John Warner

TMN Contributing Writer John Warner is author of Fondling Your Muse: Infallible Advice From a Published Author to the Writerly Aspirant. He teaches at Clemson University.

Welcome to the Palindrome

The GOP’s V.P. pick has been a doozy, though the reasons behind it are anybody’s guess—and guess they have. In search of answers, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER recon the brain of John McCain. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | September 9, 2008)

The Ace of Self-Pity

As she reaches the end of her deck, Clinton has exhausted almost all her moves—even going so far as to suggest her opponent might be assassinated. KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER search for a more peaceful ending. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | May 29, 2008)

The Bitterest Pill

Her campaign beaten and bruised, Hillary won’t concede defeat, and proves she’s willing to do anything to get elected. With a comeback unlikely, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER wonder what she’ll try next—now and after the election. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | May 13, 2008)

Running and Screaming

Give us a nominee or give us death. The Pennsylvania primary is here, and with it may come the end of our nightmarish nomination process. KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER on what’s truly making Americans bitter: politics. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | April 22, 2008)

The Hottie and the Nottie

As the battle for the Democratic nomination tightens, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER look back at the candidates that have been left behind, theorize about what constitutes plagiarism, and wonder about the Clinton political monster that wasn’t. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | February 26, 2008)

If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be 2008

With Super Tuesday upon us, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER assess the remaining field of competitors, have the audacity to hope, and break down the candidates into the kinds of VHS-or-Beta terms we can understand. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | February 4, 2008)

The Huckaboom and the Obamawagon

In the weeks before the 2004 election, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER opped and edded their way through the debates, issues, and differences in hair. With just 299 days left in the 2008 race, they sharpen their quills. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | January 8, 2008)

I Write Camille Paglia’s Next Column so She Doesn’t Have To, Vol. 1: The UFC

For those who still don’t grasp the subtext, reifications of Anna Nicole, Ultimate Fighting, and Eddie Murphy—with some writing help by JOHN WARNER. (Spoofs & Satire | March 13, 2007)

Gender-Bending Grade-Schooler Attracts Notice

One local boy’s locks sends shockwaves throughout his community, and a clear message to the world of fashion: The younger generation plays by a new set of rules. Our continuing coverage on the life of JOHN WARNER. (My Life in the Times | September 25, 2006)

John Warner’s Datsun B210 Is Underpowered, Ugly

Power, speed, performance: You won’t find them here. Our reviewer is forced to put this once-sporty 1978 model through its paces. Part of a series of reports on the life of JOHN WARNER. (My Life in the Times | September 15, 2006)

Boy’s Pain Is Orthodontist’s Pleasure

The X-rays and photos show beyond any doubt that one orthodontist’s recently found treasure spells financial tragedy for a local family. Our continuing coverage of the events that shaped JOHN WARNER’s life. (My Life in the Times | September 6, 2006)

Breaking Bad Habits & Busting Balls

Another set of excerpts delivered to JOHN WARNER from a book whose author cannot be named for reasons apparent to anyone who has seen a Scorsese movie. This week: life lessons for children and meeting the don of the teacher’s lounge. (The Indispensable 56 | August 30, 2006)

How I Became a Teacher

Ron Clark may have cornered the market on strategies for classroom control, but it takes a different brand of strong-arming to really get results. As delivered to JOHN WARNER, the first installment of excerpts from a book whose author cannot be named for obvious reasons. (The Indispensable 56 | August 18, 2006)

Domestic Surveillance: Invasion of Privacy, or Necessary Evil?

The debate over privacy rages on: Can authorities be trusted, and are civil liberties at risk? Either way, in at least one Illinois household snooping may be the new law of the land. A new segment in the moments that shaped JOHN WARNER’s life. (My Life in the Times | July 11, 2006)

Spinning Into an Early Grave?

The higher you go, the further you have to fall. Kids at Greenbrook Elementary find a dangerous new way to kill time, while a concerned community worries that might not be all that’s in jeopardy. Another in our continuing coverage of the events that shaped JOHN WARNER’s life. (My Life in the Times | January 25, 2006)

Time to Floss

He told everyone what it stood for before, but this week nobody’s buying a single detail about James Frey’s life—or his tattoo. JOHN WARNER has the true story behind contemporary literature’s most in-your-face symbol. (Spoofs & Satire | January 11, 2006)

Sex Education Gets a Makeover

In our ongoing coverage of the moments that defined JOHN WARNER’s life, kids are talking about sex—and what they’re saying may shock you. (My Life in the Times | January 4, 2006)

Sour Eggnog: Allegations of Child Abuse

Local authorities scramble to investigate allegations of abuse on Christmas morning. Our continuing coverage on the moments that defined JOHN WARNER’s life. (My Life in the Times | December 13, 2005)

I, a Discerning Food Critic, Have Discovered a Genius

A culinary legend is immortalized in the hearts of critics and parents alike. Part of a series of reports on the moments that defined JOHN WARNER’s life. (My Life in the Times | November 30, 2005)

On the Occasion of My Retirement From Baseball

Today a short but glorious career on the base-paths drew to a close. And with it, the future of instructional league baseball appears hazy. Our series of reports on the moments that defined JOHN WARNER’s life. (My Life in the Times | November 16, 2005)

McClellan at Home

Battered and bullied in the press room, morning, noon, and night. What’s a normal, average press secretary to do when he just wants to spend some quality time with his wife? As it turns out, things aren’t much better there. (Behind the Scenes | September 13, 2005)

Frequently Asked Questions About the Toyota Prius

Tired of that gas-guzzler you’ve got parked in the driveway? Perhaps it’s time you drank the antifreeze and experienced the future of the universe, and your reality too. JOHN WARNER doesn’t trust anyone who can drive over 30. (Opinions | June 2, 2005)

Questions Frequently Asked About TiVo, Answered by Someone Who Loves TiVo Too Much

What’s that? You still don’t have a TiVo? Ahh, you must have some questions about the technology before you take the plunge. Lucky for you, JOHN WARNER is here with a stack of answers and a filled baptismal pool. (Opinions | February 9, 2005)

Obit.

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the election behind us, they discuss Bush’s victory, what the Democrats have to do between now and 2008, and what we’re supposed to do with all this time on our hands. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | November 9, 2004)

A Week Away

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: the possible effects of such last-minute topics as lesbians, pejoratives, and conservatives vs. conservatives. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | October 26, 2004)

Master Debating

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: debating the debates of the debates. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | October 12, 2004)

Improving Kerry

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: how to fix Kerry’s image. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | September 27, 2004)

Flip-Flops & Conventions

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: what we meant when we said what we meant, and going completely rhetorical. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | September 14, 2004)

Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials

You’ve heard the spots, where the helpful voice of the OnStar satellite representative rushes to the aid of the panicked motorist. But have you heard them all? JOHN WARNER digs through the transcripts that didn’t make the final cut. (Stories | August 18, 2004)

If on a summer’s vacation…

Now past the halfway-mark for summer, we’ve all either taken our summer vacations or we’re still planning where to go. For those of us who fall into the latter camp, beware your choices. THE WRITERS remember ways summer vacations have gone so horribly wrong. (Stories | July 28, 2004)

Donald Rumsfeld Is Wrong

Predicting the future is a touchy business, especially if you’re banking on the outcome. JOHN WARNER reports on a personal history of predictions gone right, wrong, and somewhere in between. (Stories | April 21, 2004)

I Was a 10-Year-Old Political Consultant

Leading a political campaign can be a thankless job, as ex-Dean-campaign manager Joe Trippi well knows. But what if your candidate isn’t a Democrat from Vermont, but a woodland creature? JOHN WARNER recalls his electioneering days. (Stories | February 2, 2004)

Progress Reports: Fourth Quarter 2003

The Institute of Improbable Research has the means to make the impossible happen. From losing a loser’s viriginity to building the best coach in the world, JOHN WARNER has their year-end results. (Stories | January 14, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Raises & Terror

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week JOHN WARNER explains how to get the raise you deserve using the only appropriate method for today’s terror-ific world. (How To | October 3, 2003)

Clueless in Academe: An Interview with Gerald Graff

Professors complain that each year’s batch of students are more clueless than the last, but could they be the ones in the dark? JOHN WARNER interviews author and academic Gerald Graff on who’s to blame for the failures in our classrooms. (Personalities | September 16, 2003)

Second Careers

When it’s time to change careers or face hardship in the workplace, many Americans ask, what would Jesus do? According to John Warner, most hockey players would prefer not to know. (Stories | September 3, 2003)

Troubling New Events

Maybe it’s something to do with the harmonies, maybe it’s the way it just makes you feel good. You might not want to admit it, but your toes are definitely tapping. JOHN WARNER has some upsetting news. (Personalities | July 22, 2003)

The Columbia Letters

In 2001, the book My First Presidentiary came out, authored by KEVIN GUILFOILE and John Warner, and quickly became a best seller. A college student contacted the authors with a simple question. They responded with glee. (Stories | June 23, 2003)

Branded for Life

Teenagers: They’ve got cell phones, credit cards, and brand identities. JOHN WARNER reviews Alissa Quart’s Branded: The Buying and Selling of Teenagers to find a shared past not too dissimilar, and a terrifying prospect that may lie ahead of us all. (Opinions | June 11, 2003)

Mess with the Bull, You’ll Get the Horns

The recent hazing at Glenbrook North High School and that other story about disregard for journalistic propriety can find judgment in the college classroom. Glenbrook North alum and college instructor JOHN WARNER teaches some difficult lessons. (Opinions | May 15, 2003)

Selections From My Most Wanted

The U.S. printed the 55 most-wanted Iraqis on a deck of cards to enable both easy apprehension and quick games of rummy. But its villains aren’t the only ones on the loose. JOHN WARNER deals a more personal hand. (Personalities | May 9, 2003)

Among the ‘Unsavvy’

Being published in the New Yorker has long been a fantasy for many writers, and the magazine’s recent change in the fiction chair appeared to offer more hope for the underpublished. Appearances, however, can be deceitful; JOHN WARNER cracks the masque. (Opinions | January 29, 2003)

Man and the Lad Mag

Today’s man has some very real problems, and the magazines he’s reading may be a big reason why. JOHN WARNER studies the marketing designed to engender the fall of modern man. (Opinions | June 6, 2002)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

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