Kevin Guilfoile

TMN Contributing Writer Kevin Guilfoile’s novel, Cast of Shadows (titled Wicker in the UK), is now available in paperback. He is also the co-author (with John Warner) of the best-selling book My First Presidentiary: A Scrapbook by George W. Bush. He lives in the Chicago area with his wife Mo, his sons Max and Vaughn, and a cat you wouldn’t like.

The Babysitter

The kids are asleep upstairs, and the sitter waits alone in a darkened house—and then the phone rings. If you think you know what happens next, think again. THE WRITERS finish the story. (Spoofs & Satire | October 30, 2009)

Frugal Krueger

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, THE STAFF helps a reader in need of creative, recession-friendly Halloween costume ideas. (The Non-Expert | October 23, 2009)

Beloved Children’s Books

With the imminent release of the Where the Wild Things Are movie, we’re swept up in childhood literary nostalgia. Our STAFF AND READERS tell us what filled their tiny bookshelves. (Of Recent Note | October 1, 2009)

It’s a Conspiracy

With the anniversary of the “moon landing” and the continued clamors of the birthers, conspiracy theories are in the news again. Our STAFF AND READERS reveal their favorite shadowy plots. (Of Recent Note | August 6, 2009)

Rooster Shirts, Judges, and Brackets, Oh My!

The FIFTH ANNUAL TOURNAMENT OF BOOKS is preparing to launch in a few weeks. Here are this year’s brackets for your office-gambling pleasure, as well as information about the 2009 judges and our brand new Rooster tees. (The Rooster | February 19, 2009)

The 2009 Tournament of Books

We interrupt our regular publishing schedule to bring you news of one feisty Rooster. Enjoying its fifth year, THE 2009 TOURNAMENT OF BOOKS is coming soon, and we’ve got the nominees to prove it. (The Rooster | January 13, 2009)

2008

From unearthed media to otherworldly technology to reflection on a personal and economic level, the year was filled with things of every shape, size, and significance. THE WRITERS give us the best of what they noted. (Of Recent Note | December 19, 2008)

Boats We Missed

From acclaimed television series to all-over-your-radar bands to the web site even your grandmother knows about, here are the phenomena that the TMN READERS AND WRITERS, until recently, missed out on. (Of Recent Note | October 1, 2008)

Welcome to the Palindrome

The GOP’s V.P. pick has been a doozy, though the reasons behind it are anybody’s guess—and guess they have. In search of answers, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER recon the brain of John McCain. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | September 9, 2008)

The Ace of Self-Pity

As she reaches the end of her deck, Clinton has exhausted almost all her moves—even going so far as to suggest her opponent might be assassinated. KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER search for a more peaceful ending. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | May 29, 2008)

The Bitterest Pill

Her campaign beaten and bruised, Hillary won’t concede defeat, and proves she’s willing to do anything to get elected. With a comeback unlikely, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER wonder what she’ll try next—now and after the election. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | May 13, 2008)

Running and Screaming

Give us a nominee or give us death. The Pennsylvania primary is here, and with it may come the end of our nightmarish nomination process. KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER on what’s truly making Americans bitter: politics. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | April 22, 2008)

The Hottie and the Nottie

As the battle for the Democratic nomination tightens, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER look back at the candidates that have been left behind, theorize about what constitutes plagiarism, and wonder about the Clinton political monster that wasn’t. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | February 26, 2008)

The 2008 Tournament of Books

We interrupt our normal publishing schedule to bring you news of the following sponsored event: now in its fourth installation, THE 2008 TOURNAMENT OF BOOKS is coming soon, and we’ve got the nominee list to prove it. (The Rooster | February 21, 2008)

If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be 2008

With Super Tuesday upon us, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER assess the remaining field of competitors, have the audacity to hope, and break down the candidates into the kinds of VHS-or-Beta terms we can understand. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | February 4, 2008)

The Huckaboom and the Obamawagon

In the weeks before the 2004 election, KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER opped and edded their way through the debates, issues, and differences in hair. With just 299 days left in the 2008 race, they sharpen their quills. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | January 8, 2008)

Hail Ira

Rosemary’s Baby author Ira Levin died this week—and it wasn’t a lousy book review that killed him. KEVIN GUILFOILE addresses the writer’s posthumous criticism. (Profiles | November 15, 2007)

The Backseat Killer

A maniac is chasing an innocent woman. She gets home and runs to her house, just as the pursuing car screeches in to the driveway. How will it end? Only THE WRITERS know, in our annual open-ended gore fest. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2007)

Forgive the Drummer Some

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, KEVIN GUILFOILE solves the greatest mystery known to rock-and-rollers of every generation: how to find a decent drummer. (The Non-Expert | September 28, 2007)

Announcing TMN’s 2007 Tournament of Books

Ladies and gentlemen, book nerds and illiterates, here are this year’s candidates for the Rooster Award in the 2007 Tournament of Books, sponsored by Powells.com—and we need your help in setting up the brackets. A message from KEVIN GUILFOILE. (The Rooster | February 20, 2007)

This Is Not a Eulogy

This is an appreciation. Our friend, writer, editor, and teacher LESLIE HARPOLD recently died. A memorial for a woman who was difficult to describe—and who couldn’t stand sentimental bullshit. (Profiles | December 18, 2006)

The Vanishing Date

Halloween: time for stories of headless horsemen, escaped psychos with hooks for hands, and ghosts other than the white-sheet variety. But the same stories year after year can get a little dull. THE WRITERS retell a scary tale. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2006)

The Obit Laureate

The first installment of our occasional series where KEVIN GUILFOILE transforms recent Times obituaries—a gong striker, a burger matriarch, a bagpipe virtuoso—into light verse. (Spoofs & Satire | August 16, 2006)

God or No God

Is that a benevolent deity inside your briefcase or is Loki just happy to see you? KEVIN GUILFOILE introduces the game show that’s got Americans clutching their prayer books: It’s God or No God with Howie Mandel! Atheists, watch out! (Spoofs & Satire | July 10, 2006)

A Word of Advice

‘Tis the season of graduation ceremonies, when many will be told it’s the first day of the rest of their lives. THE WRITERS disagree, and offer the ultimate commencement speech. (Spoofs & Satire | May 4, 2006)

The Seven Veils of Self-Importance

The bets are in, the brackets are filled out, and the judges have sharpened their knives. Welcome to the 2006 Tournament of Books, sponsored by Powells.com. (The Rooster | March 20, 2006)

For February 2006

What THE WRITERS have been enjoying, watching, reading, hearing, eating, viewing, and digesting for the past 28 days. (Of Recent Note | February 28, 2006)

New Fathers, Round III

Are you ruining your child’s chances at future employment by blogging about his poop? By becoming a father yourself, do you finally understand your own dad? Our staff fathers tackle once more the challenges of contemporary paternity. (Roundtables | January 9, 2006)

Birnbaum v. Kevin Guilfoile

Do genre writers have more fun than plain old novelists? Is it possible to embed philosophical thought in a thriller? For an all-around TMN smorgasbord, our brain in Boston ROBERT BIRNBAUM chats with Contributing Writer Kevin Guilfoile about his new novel. (Personalities | May 24, 2005)

The Tour, Chapter 3

A national book tour means many cars, planes, handlers and book-signings. It also means a table of elderly Southern women with specific questions about fertility clinics. TMN Contributing Writer KEVIN GUILFOILE wraps up his journal of cross-country promotions. (Opinions | April 28, 2005)

The Tour, Chapter Two

If you make an ass of yourself on the Dennis Miller show, will anyone notice? If you don’t acknowledge that Beyoncé is Beyoncé, will she care? KEVIN GUILFOILE continues his saga of touring the country for the sake of literature. (Opinions | April 21, 2005)

The Tour, Chapter One

Ever imagine reading to a cheering stadium of millions? How about a single, disinterested Barnes & Noble customer? It’s one thing to write a book; it’s another to publicize it. Contributing writer KEVIN GUILFOILE reports from the field of his recent book tour. (Opinions | April 14, 2005)

The First Annual TMN Tournament of Books

Too often are literary awards arbitrary, dull, or meaningless. Too rarely are they determined by an NCAA-style Battle Royale of bloodthirsty competition. It’s time for a change. ROSECRANS BALDWIN and KEVIN GUILFOILE announce The First Annual TMN Tournament of Books—complete with downloadable brackets poster!—sponsored by Powells.com. (Opinions | January 20, 2005)

Roundtable: New Fathers, Round II

Twelve months ago a number of TMN contributors were becoming first-time dads—now it’s time to check in and see how they’re doing. Matthew Baldwin, Frederic Bonn, Kevin Fanning, and KEVIN GUILFOILE get into the poop from a year of highs, lows, and Diaper Genies. (How To | November 22, 2004)

Obit.

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the election behind us, they discuss Bush’s victory, what the Democrats have to do between now and 2008, and what we’re supposed to do with all this time on our hands. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | November 9, 2004)

A Week Away

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: the possible effects of such last-minute topics as lesbians, pejoratives, and conservatives vs. conservatives. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | October 26, 2004)

Master Debating

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: debating the debates of the debates. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | October 12, 2004)

Improving Kerry

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: how to fix Kerry’s image. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | September 27, 2004)

Flip-Flops & Conventions

In 2001 KEVIN GUILFOILE and JOHN WARNER lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: what we meant when we said what we meant, and going completely rhetorical. (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers | September 14, 2004)

Roundtable: New Fathers

For some reason not involving pods or alien harvests, a number of our writers are about to be fathers, or have recently become dads, and it seemed appropriate to convene a meeting of minds. Three Contributing Writers and friend-of-TMN Frederic Bonn discuss fears, frustrations, and why the name you’ve picked out for your kid will inevitably be mocked. (How To | December 10, 2003)

The Man Who Was Hook

Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story. (Stories | October 31, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Not Fade Away

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week KEVIN GUILFOILE goes back through his priest’s record collection to find out when the music died. (How To | October 24, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair In Hell: The Mad Minister From Circle Six, Part I

In the fourth chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a controversial film has Hell up in arms! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth. (Stories | September 17, 2003)

The Pop-Off King

Though dancers occasionally kick one another, writers are alone among artists in using their craft to attack each other. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on Stephen King’s new decision to join the vipers. (Opinions | August 13, 2003)

The Indignant Correspondence of Folksy Ken Oakley

Liz Phair is not the first artist to fight bad reviews with worse allegories—folk artist Ken Oakley invented the genre. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the only musician to have 184 albums panned in Rolling Stone. (Stories | July 3, 2003)

The Columbia Letters

In 2001, the book My First Presidentiary came out, authored by KEVIN GUILFOILE and John Warner, and quickly became a best seller. A college student contacted the authors with a simple question. They responded with glee. (Stories | June 23, 2003)

The Non-Expert: The Wedding Party

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week KEVIN GUILFOILE tells you what to do when hundreds of people RSVP for your wedding and then don’t show up. (How To | June 13, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Poetry for Your Girlfriend

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week KEVIN GUILFOILE plays the eloquent Cyrano to an anonymous Christian, and scripts poesy for the tongue-tied. (How To | April 18, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair in Hell: The Secret of the Burning Canvas

In the third chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, the lost plays of Sophocles are discovered in an art fair, possibly to be lost again! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth. (Stories | April 4, 2003)

MetaFilter in the Ruins

When the apocalypse comes, when the world ends as we know it, you can bet someone will be updating Metafilter. KEVIN GUILFOILE points out there’s nothing worse than a doublepost after your hair has fallen out. (Stories | March 4, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair in Hell: The Mystery of the Antenoran Chant

In the second chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a mystery is uncovered on the way to Walt Whitman’s Super Bowl party. KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth. (Stories | February 5, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair in Hell

Hell is full of mystery and chain hardware stores. Who would’ve known? Kevin Guilfoile, that’s who, as he follows Madalyn, amateur detective, in the first chapter of her adventures in the underworld. (Stories | January 15, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Santa Claus

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week THE WRITERS determine once and for all the existence of Santa Claus. (How To | December 20, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Buttons

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week KEVIN GUILFOILE settles the question of why men’s and women’s buttons are on different sides of the split. And history takes a back seat. (How To | December 6, 2002)

Transcending Spaces

A television show rolls into town, interior designers and carpenter in tow. Two sets of neighbors trade houses in a decorating scheme to surprise each other. Sound familiar? Well, it did. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports. (Stories | November 21, 2002)

The Non-Expert: When in Rome

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week KEVIN GUILFOILE travels to Italy to settle the age-old question of doing or not-doing as Romans. (How To | October 25, 2002)

Bienvenue au Musée Renteria

Like many modern painters, the extremely famous Renteria had issues with women. KEVIN GUILFOILE shares a guide he picked up at Renteria’s museum. (Stories | October 16, 2002)

The Half-Assed Handyman

Are your screws loose? Is the house falling apart? Call the Half-Assed Handyman! KEVIN GUILFOILE walks us through proper fence gate repair and the best way to fix a lawnmower handle. (How To | September 27, 2002)

John Ashcroft’s 2002 College Football Preview

Thanks to the 2001 PATRIOT Act we can learn the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men. The time is upon us to take this information and put it to good use: predicting the 2002 college-football champions. KEVIN GUILFOILE taps the phones. (Stories | August 29, 2002)

I Know You’re Lonely For Words That I Ain’t Spoken

Most people know that Bruce Springsteen has a new album out. But everyone knows that a man, shouting at Springsteen, partly inspired the new songs. KEVIN GUILFOILE on a small story ruined by exposure. (Opinions | August 5, 2002)

Accounting for Taste: Exo, Say Hello to the Master Siege Control

Four TMN writers get their paws on something and give their reviews. This time it’s an album from Chicago band Exo, selected by Kevin Guilfoile. (Opinions | July 16, 2002)

Spam Poet

Do you see that detritus in your inbox as fodder for verse? No? Then meet the Spam Poet, who takes everyday junk mail and turns stink into stanza. KEVIN GUILFOILE waxes poetically. (Stories | July 8, 2002)

Surrey with the Syringe on Top

In the cutthroat world of playwriting, where a good line means the difference between fame and famine, many authors fall victim to the lure of performance-enhancing drugs. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports with an exposé on steroids in the stage scene. (Stories | June 14, 2002)

What Are You, Drunk?

A new study on binge drinking from the Harvard School of Public Health slides off the stool, falls down, and admits that it really didn’t know what it was talking about earlier, with all that ‘research’ business. KEVIN GUILFOILE drives it home and gives it a good talking-to. (Opinions | May 29, 2002)

Casual Fan Fiction

Fan fiction: that writing frontier attempted by only the most diehard of followers. Kevin Guilfoile, hardly a West Wing devotee, throws his hat into the fan-fic ring with a view from that guy from Apocalypse Now’s Oval Office. (Stories | May 15, 2002)

The Mediator on Gay Marriage

Before arguments come to a head, they should come to The Mediator. Here The Mediator solves an issue rife with debate: gay marriage. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the new ground rules. (Stories | May 1, 2002)

Catch A Falling Catholic

Will the recent rash of pedophilia charges against the Catholic Church cause a drop in membership? If so, might those disenchanted Catholics be interested in joining the competition? KEVIN GUILFOILE has a few marketing concepts for those faiths looking to sign up some new recruits. (Opinions | April 17, 2002)

Pascal’s Wagering

Even great philosophers must eat, go to the bathroom, iron their shirts, get dumped. Like all of us, some live great lives, most suffer. But none can avoid the troubles of being human. KEVIN GUILFOILE recalls a past-life with Pascal, and a few unlucky bets. (Stories | April 10, 2002)

The First Rule of Book Club

Chicago versus New York: sure, we know whose pizza is better, but what about their city-wide book reading programs? KEVIN GUILFOILE sits us down and gives us a stern lecture about our relative civic hopes, fears, and lazy habits. (Opinions | April 2, 2002)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

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