Matthew Baldwin

TMN Contributing Writer Matthew Baldwin is a programmer from Seattle who lives with the Best Wife Ever and a handful of good-for-nothing cats. He runs the web site defective yeti, loves to play board games, and once convinced 30 sober adults to run the 100-meter dash with their pants around their ankles. Once the patent for his combination Bagpipes/Breathalizer is approved, Matthew Baldwin will become obscenely wealthy and move to Belize.

Re: Cephalopod

Now that Congress has approved domestic wire-tapping, no one can prevent the U.S. from becoming a surveillance state. No one, that is, except for cathym17@zipmail.com. MATTHEW BALDWIN writes. (Spoofs & Satire | July 30, 2008)

A Survivor’s Journal

America weathered Y2K, Viagra junk mails, and Web 2.0. But will it survive the next technological crisis threatening civilization? MATTHEW BALDWIN reports from inside a bunker. (Spoofs & Satire | July 10, 2008)

Things We’re Denying Ourselves

A recession looms at the door—before it arrives, we have an opportunity to improve our minds, bodies, and wallets. Though we may soon be denying ourselves more than pleasures, this is what we’re omitting right now. (Of Recent Note | April 30, 2008)

The Last Great Thing You Downloaded

From movies to music to graphic novels and Spanish lessons, here are some of our recent digital world discoveries, as downloaded by our writers and readers. (Of Recent Note | March 21, 2008)

And Great Lyrics Quiz Rock Roll The

You may rock the karaoke, you may even have impressed the judges on American Idol, but you don’t know lyrics until you’ve seen them in alphabetical order. MATTHEW BALDWIN wants you to name that song. (Diversions | March 18, 2008)

Deified and Demagogued

Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, passed away this week. Gaming enthusiast MATTHEW BALDWIN remembers how the discovery of a game opened a new world of imagination and fun. (Profiles | March 7, 2008)

The Third-Inning Blooper Reel

Contract disputes, managerial changes, players testifying on Capitol Hill about steroid use: With only a month until spring training, baseball didn’t get much of a rest this off-season. MATTHEW BALDWIN reports on the errors we didn’t catch. (Spoofs & Satire | February 7, 2008)

2007 Holiday Christmas Survival Guide for Slackers Cultural Warriors

Talented gift-givers put time and thought into selecting presents for their loved ones. MATTHEW BALDWIN has gift ideas for the ungifted. (Guides | December 21, 2007)

Hangover Cures

Robert Benchley once quipped, “The only cure for a real hangover is death.” Though ultimately true, right now there are holiday parties to attend. THE WRITERS offer solutions for the morning after. (Of Recent Note | December 13, 2007)

The 2007 Good Gift Games

As long as you’ve got two to four friends, that’s all you need for a fun afternoon of playing board games. Oh, except for a board game that’s actually fun. MATTHEW BALDWIN presents his choices for the games even a sore loser will enjoy. (Guides | November 28, 2007)

What’s the Point of Giving Thanks?

Thanksgiving is upon us, and while what we’re thankful for is up to each of us, the reasons we feel so appreciative are unclear. MATTHEW BALDWIN looks to experts in the field of gratitude for an answer. (Op-Ed | November 21, 2007)

The Backseat Killer

A maniac is chasing an innocent woman. She gets home and runs to her house, just as the pursuing car screeches in to the driveway. How will it end? Only THE WRITERS know, in our annual open-ended gore fest. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2007)

America’s Next Top Model Democracy

The winning country receives billions in government contracts and becomes the show’s next host. Who will it be? MATTHEW BALDWIN gives us a sneak preview. (Spoofs & Satire | October 10, 2007)

One-Hit Wonders

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, MATTHEW BALDWIN helps a reader who wants to know: What’s a superhero worth these days, anyway? (The Non-Expert | September 7, 2007)

Bottled Drinks

With Labor Day gaining fast, summer is almost over. Rather than mourn its demise with a sack of hooch, we should toast our memories with a bottle of something special. THE WRITERS have some suggestions. (Of Recent Note | August 28, 2007)

Web Noir

When writing for online magazines, crime doesn’t always pay—but it can earn you a fashionable T-shirt. MATTHEW BALDWIN investigates the current era of crime fiction on the web and the magazines that are making new voices heard. (Profiles | July 19, 2007)

The Adventure of the Missing Stocking

The writers of the television series Lost take time out of their busy schedules to write this pastiche—the latest chapter in the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. (Spoofs & Satire | April 18, 2007)

The Purgegate Primer

In December eight U.S. Attorneys were dismissed; now Congress wants to find out why. There may be a scandal brewing, but the details are still murky. A primer by MATTHEW BALDWIN. (Scandal Cheat Sheet | April 2, 2007)

Every Dog Has Its Day

Around the world, human-canine relationships vary, and sometimes it’s difficult to tell which species is dominant. As a Peace Corps volunteer in Bolivia, MATTHEW BALDWIN met dogs of a different breed. (Sweeping the Dirt Floor | March 21, 2007)

2006 Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers

It’s always better to give than to receive—at least that’s what your loved ones say, just as they’re about to open another present from you. MATTHEW BALDWIN brings us another year of gifts that will gather dust in the garage. (Guides | December 22, 2006)

The Gift of the Magi

It’s Christmas morning, and a couple’s yuletide glee is under siege by the secular progressives. Provocative television personality and 19th century author O. REILLY spins their tale. (Spoofs & Satire | December 14, 2006)

Potluck Supper

The best Thanksgivings are the ones where all the guests bring their own specialties to the table. Eight CONTRIBUTING WRITERS serve up their best, potluck-style. With illustrations by ANNA FEATHERLY. (Personal Essays | November 22, 2006)

Mock the Vote

A month after we asked our readers to create and photograph political campaign signs of their own making, here are our favorites. MATTHEW BALDWIN announces the winners of our Encyclopedia Brown for District Attorney contest. (Politics | November 7, 2006)

The Vanishing Date

Halloween: time for stories of headless horsemen, escaped psychos with hooks for hands, and ghosts other than the white-sheet variety. But the same stories year after year can get a little dull. THE WRITERS retell a scary tale. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2006)

Encyclopedia Brown for District Attorney

Every October, placards touting candidates you’ve never heard of litter yards and medians across the nation. MATTHEW BALDWIN creates his own campaign signs, and invites you to do the same for our Election Day photo gallery. (Politics | October 9, 2006)

Betting Wrong

Session after session, congressional battles have us rooting for one side or the other. But it’s not easy to tell who the good (and bad) guys are. MATTHEW BALDWIN offers a theory by way of He-Man and the Masters of the United States Congress. (Op-Ed | October 2, 2006)

Seattle

The Pacific Northwest stands tall when it comes to preservation and natural beauty—so why were New Englanders called in to design the Emerald City’s parks? MATTHEW BALDWIN brings us the next installment in our series on wide urban spaces. (A Walk in the Park | August 31, 2006)

In Praise of Loopholes

There’s something to be said for working smarter, and not harder, and humans have been looking for—and finding—loopholes to enable it for centuries. MATTHEW BALDWIN looks at some of our most celebrated loophole practitioners, and their tales. (Op-Ed | April 25, 2006)

For March 2006

A new month of what THE WRITERS have been watching, reading, eating, drinking, hearing, and enjoying. (Of Recent Note | March 29, 2006)

Panning the Gold

And so another Oscar season draws to a close. Though all the outfits have been judged, all the montages wept over, and all the envelopes opened, there remains one last Academy Awards ritual to perform: grousing about who won. MATTHEW BALDWIN looks back at previous Oscar winners, and the critics who hated them. (Reviews | March 6, 2006)

New Fathers, Round III

Are you ruining your child’s chances at future employment by blogging about his poop? By becoming a father yourself, do you finally understand your own dad? Our staff fathers tackle once more the challenges of contemporary paternity. (Roundtables | January 9, 2006)

2005 Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers

You made your list, checked it twice, and still haven’t bought a single gift. With just over 48 hours to go, it’s gift cards or IOUs—or MATTHEW BALDWIN’s suggestions for the presents nobody will forget, no matter how much holiday cheer they down. (Guides | December 22, 2005)

The 2005 Good Gift Games

Being with friends and loved ones is what makes the holidays special—and once you’re fed up with that, it’s time to humiliate them over a board game. Here are this year’s best tabletop entertainments. (Guides | December 6, 2005)

Lone Star Statements

Recently, Time magazine published a list of the 100 best novels. But the praise of professional critics hardly matters to the book-reviewing readers at Amazon.com. A compilation of the best of the worst… about the best. (Reviews | October 21, 2005)

Endgame

Thirty-two hours in a van, scavenging for clues and solving puzzles—that’s “the Game,” a battle of smarts and endurance, and the competition is beyond fierce. Part three: Plowing through the final competitions and racing to the finish. (Playing the Game | September 8, 2005)

The Game Is Afoot

Thirty-two hours in a van, scavenging for clues and solving puzzles—that’s “the Game,” a battle of smarts and endurance, and the competition is beyond fierce. Part two: Cracking codes and scaring the locals. (Playing the Game | September 1, 2005)

The Pre-Game Show

Thirty-two hours in a van, scavenging for clues and solving puzzles—that’s “the Game,” a battle of smarts and endurance, and the competition is beyond fierce. Part one: Wooing the judges and preparing to be crushed. (Playing the Game | August 25, 2005)

Darth Vader Made Me Cry

From the first moment you see Darth Vader choke that rebel fighter, you know he’s evil. The helmet, the cape, the breathing? Evil, evil, evil. Matthew Baldwin remembers when he met Vader at a shopping center and learned that evil really is as evil does. (Stories | May 26, 2005)

Hero of the Year

Reality television has been popular for a lot longer than you might think, and it’s only going to get bigger. Once we get rid of the news networks and install an awards show, that is. Matthew Baldwin broadcasts a signal from the Wellys. (Personalities | April 26, 2005)

Of Recent Note: For Spring 2005

THE WRITERS spring on you the stuff they’re into right now—including what they’re reading, hearing, watching, finding, eating, using, installing, applying, and, yes, even scratching this season. (Opinions | March 22, 2005)

Pledge of Allegiance

It’s pledge drive season again! And this time everybody’s getting in on the action. Matthew Baldwin sneaks into the studio and watches as those Social Security reforms take on an entirely different medium. (Stories | March 17, 2005)

Trials and Tribulations

How do you tell a judicial buff that the real-life courtroom is more Night Court than Perry Mason? Send him to jury duty twice in two years, that’s how. Matthew Baldwin gets his civic duty on. (Stories | February 14, 2005)

2004 Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers

Every year you show up with a stack of giftcards from Rite-Aid. And every year your family roasts your chestnuts for waiting until the last minute to do your shopping. This year will be different. Matthew Baldwin has gift ideas for the lazy. (Opinions | December 22, 2004)

The 2004 Good Gift Games Guide

The last time you played a board game you got the Adam’s apple caught in the funny-bone slot and then you couldn’t pass GO or collect $200. These days, however, board games are a lot more enticing and fun, and Matthew Baldwin is here with the best of this year’s crop. (Opinions | December 7, 2004)

Roundtable: New Fathers, Round II

Twelve months ago a number of TMN contributors were becoming first-time dads—now it’s time to check in and see how they’re doing. Matthew Baldwin, Frederic Bonn, Kevin Fanning, and KEVIN GUILFOILE get into the poop from a year of highs, lows, and Diaper Genies. (How To | November 22, 2004)

Tricks of the Trade

For every occupation, there is a catalog of secrets only its employees are aware of—such as how waiters with heavy platters know to look straight ahead, and never down. Armed with a bag of reader mail, Matthew Baldwin unfurls a whole lot more true insider knowledge. (How To | August 24, 2004)

If on a summer’s vacation…

Now past the halfway-mark for summer, we’ve all either taken our summer vacations or we’re still planning where to go. For those of us who fall into the latter camp, beware your choices. THE WRITERS remember ways summer vacations have gone so horribly wrong. (Stories | July 28, 2004)

The LiveJournal of Zachary Marsh

An awfully different young man graduates from high school and quickly learns more than he bargained about snack foods, ducks, and a secret family history. MATTHEW BALDWIN discovers an online record of some mysterious goings-on. (Stories | June 21, 2004)

Of Recent Note: For Summer 2004

Of interest lately are special books, catchy songs, lovely clothes, and a slew of other wonderful items we’ve collectively enjoyed the last few weeks, and now wish to pass along for your very own summer pleasure. THE WRITERS recall and review. (Opinions | June 10, 2004)

Sweeping the Dirt Floor: Ego Trip

There are many adventures to be found off the beaten path, and some may involve minstrels. Former Peace Corps volunteer and sometime hero Matthew Baldwin recalls a day-long hike in Bolivia. (Stories | May 20, 2004)

Coming This November

The presidential race is heating up. And at this point, it’s anybody’s game. So, who will be ready to take the oath, and who will be sent home in disgrace? Matthew Baldwin gives us a preview of what we can expect this fall. (Stories | April 16, 2004)

Pizza Party U.S.A.

Every four years at the end of February, we’ve got that extra day. Is it special? Well maybe it should be. Julius Caesar may have invented Leap Day, but MATTHEW BALDWIN invented Pizza Party U.S.A, and he has a petition for you to sign. (Opinions | February 4, 2004)

The Non-Expert: IKEA

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week MATTHEW BALDWIN shows you how to survive the five treacherous worlds of IKEA. Don’t forget your REKYL! (How To | January 23, 2004)

2003 Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers

Last year you did all your shopping on the drive to grandmother’s house, but this year you’ve got a chance to make good. Matthew Baldwin reports with 2003’s last-minute gift ideas for the lazy. (Opinions | December 22, 2003)

Sweeping the Dirt Floor: Life in the Fishbowl

It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an American to teach him how to armpit-fart. Former Peace Corps Volunteer and temporary Bolivian celebrity Matthew Baldwin remembers his days in-country. (Stories | December 11, 2003)

Roundtable: New Fathers

For some reason not involving pods or alien harvests, a number of our writers are about to be fathers, or have recently become dads, and it seemed appropriate to convene a meeting of minds. Three Contributing Writers and friend-of-TMN Frederic Bonn discuss fears, frustrations, and why the name you’ve picked out for your kid will inevitably be mocked. (How To | December 10, 2003)

The Matrwich

The Bush administration’s decisions and policies have often confounded even its closest allies—are they living in a different world than the rest of us? MATTHEW BALDWIN suspects a trip down a certain rabbit hole may turn up some answers. (Stories | November 17, 2003)

The Man Who Was Hook

Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story. (Stories | October 31, 2003)

Rob Cockerham

The bastard child of Mr. Wizard and Amy Sedaris, online provacateur Rob Cockerham talks about busting Herbalife, Bounty towels, and spending $25,000 at Safeway. (People | October 30, 2003)

Strangers in the Night

Since the great Columbia University scandal of 1984, paranormal investigations have had a bad rap in the United States, at least on the East coast. Seattle writer Matthew Baldwin joins up with A.G.H.O.S.T. for a night of spirit seeking. (Personalities | October 30, 2003)

Sweeping the Dirt Floor: Fuego! Fuego!

The Peace Corps has ambitious goals for its programs and participants, though setting a pueblo on fire isn’t one of them. Former Corps member Matthew Baldwin recounts the early days in San Pedro, Bolivia, before his infamy. (Stories | October 2, 2003)

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