Personal Essays

When writers look in the mirror, what do they see? Reflections on lives in progress: mothers at rock concerts, celebrity fan mail, the dark side of family legends, book touring, mediocre religions, the lives of professional carnivores, and other crucial aspects of modern life.

The Game of Love

Anyone who says video games shouldn’t appeal to adults, let alone women, has never flirted with General Carth Onassi. MARIE MUTSUKI MOCKETT explores a virtual courtship. (Personal Essays | November 19, 2009)

Making the Bird

To entertain themselves and their friends ERIC FEEZELL and his brother formed a band, Birdhead. Now he traces the history of “the critically acclaimed power duo from Rancho Cucamonga.” (Personal Essays | November 12, 2009)

My First Sonogram

A television news report begets a routine doctor’s appointment begets a personal health scare. MICHAEL D. AYERS has a near-death experience, nearly. (Personal Essays | November 11, 2009)

Annie Dillard and the Writing Life

Writers aren’t born, they’re made—from practice, reading, and a lot of caffeine. And sometimes tutelage. Novelist ALEXANDER CHEE recounts studying with Annie Dillard, learning lessons from a master. (Personal Essays | October 16, 2009)

Jack & Ginger

Moving back to your hometown offers opportunities to rekindle old friendships—and start new ones. An 80-proof love story by NELL BOESCHENSTEIN. (Personal Essays | September 16, 2009)

When the Sun Is Constantly Setting

Eight years later, we continue to struggle with September 11, the day our city was attacked. Writer MOLLY LANGMUIR reports from a more remote position: aboard a military vessel in the Arctic Circle. (Personal Essays | September 9, 2009)

A Taste for Flesh

America has a problem with death; zombies have a problem with life. After seeing more than 60 zombie films, JOHNATHON WILLIAMS explains the difference. (Personal Essays | August 25, 2009)

The Surrogate Life

Being unemployed, and bearing colossal amounts of debt, can drive you to rash measures. TMN intern LEAH FINNEGAN discovers the difficulty of renting out her womb. (Personal Essays | August 12, 2009)

Gimme Shelter

Everyone knows a relative who dabbles in conspiracy theories. For ASHLEY WOMBLE, seeing her brother be targeted by a global cabal—and develop schizophrenia—was all too real. (Personal Essays | August 3, 2009)

Lacoste of Living

After three-quarters of a century, a quintessential shirt picks up a lot of baggage—some good, some ironically so, all obsession-worthy. FRANCIS RAVEN chases the crocodile across France and Morocco. (Personal Essays | July 31, 2009)

This Loop of Light and Life

The supernatural is all sheets and spooks—Hamlet, Casper, and Field of Dreams—until it’s sitting in your bedroom. LAUREN FREY DAISLEY recounts seeing two ghosts. (Personal Essays | July 29, 2009)

Breakfast With the Beeb

Sounds can take us home—even when that home belongs to someone else, and the sounds are of obscure gardening comedy. REBECCA DALZELL wakes up each morning with Radio 4. (Personal Essays | June 24, 2009)

Breakfast, Lunch, and Winners

Lt. Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal has been picked to lead the war in Afghanistan, and on only one meal a day. MIKE SMITH spends a week in the general’s reduced-calorie footsteps. (Personal Essays | June 3, 2009)

Reading With Scissors

If not for a tragic car accident in 2001, W.G. Sebald would be celebrating his senior citizenship next week. ELIZABETH KIEM recalls her obsessive introduction to the author’s unclassifiable genre. (Personal Essays | May 13, 2009)

La Vache Qui Rit and Another Cow Altogether

A passion for French cinema turns into an offscreen romance. Never mind the language barrier, writes KARI KIERNAN, because the cultural barriers are so much funnier. (Personal Essays | May 8, 2009)

The Transient, Digital Fetish

As the world goes Kindle and iPhone-mad, paperbacks and mixtapes become worthy of devotion. LLEWELLYN HINKES sees his entire music collection disappear and wonders what it meant. (Personal Essays | May 7, 2009)

Pink Suede Shoes

Sometimes it takes the right pair of shoes to kick you over the edge into adulthood. For writer CAROLYN SLUTSKY, it’s other people’s shoes that do the kicking. (Personal Essays | March 31, 2009)

Stereoblind

After a lifetime of visual miscues, TIMOTHY LEDWITH finally decided to do something about his optical condition. Now comes the hard part: seeing the world through both eyes. (Personal Essays | March 17, 2009)

How to Survive a Crush

Two decades after high school days spent yearning to be a part of the “in” crowd, MICHELLE EPHRAIM confronts her former dream date, now a best-selling author, and her former self. (Personal Essays | March 11, 2009)

Replacing Things Lost

A diagnosis of breast cancer is mind-blowing, and a mastectomy can be devastating. But for some women, reconstructive surgery offers a chance for a silver lining. AMY DEPAUL reports on a troubling question of size. (Personal Essays | February 26, 2009)

One for You, Nineteen for Me

The president in his speech last night urged for greater federal and personal responsibility to stimulate our economy. But will Americans heed the call on their tax forms? EMILY BADGER explains what it’s like to get audited. (Personal Essays | February 25, 2009)

Ballad of a Thin Man

In a country so proud of its apple pie, there is an element of distrust for thin men. Looking back over a lifetime spent trying to bulk up, JED LIPINSKI sings a song of skinniness. (Personal Essays | January 23, 2009)

Civil Plights

Is there room for civility in Civil Rights? On the day of Obama’s inauguration, NICOLE PASULKA faces down the moment she nearly brought President George W. Bush to task. (Personal Essays | January 20, 2009)

Jewish Like Me

To be Jewish in America can be a gefilte fish served with wasabi and a dollop of paranoia. And things get even more complicated when you don’t look the part, as ANDREA HIGBIE explains. (Personal Essays | January 8, 2009)

Drink Your Meds

The impulse to weigh decisions with coffee spoons can seem charmingly eccentric on TV. But real-life obsessive compulsive disorder, writes LAUREN FREY, is no fun, what with the imminent death and all. (Personal Essays | January 6, 2009)

Our 2008 Holiday Letter

No matter how factual the accomplishments gained or the tragedies sustained, holiday letters, like the season itself, are often sugarcoated. But not this time. Their names withheld, THE WRITERS relate 100-percent true tales from the past year. (Personal Essays | December 9, 2008)

Pilgrimage

Many people hope to be authors, even some in the publishing business. JESSICA FRANCIS KANE goes back to a monastery to see both sides of the story. (Personal Essays | November 21, 2008)

Hard Times Dog

From the financial crisis to the election and even the weather, unhappiness abounds. COLETTE LaBOUFF ATKINSON finds changes in the dog economy, and sees them reflected in her own life. (Personal Essays | November 11, 2008)

Plan B

Determining that precise instant when life starts is a big subject in American politics, but it’s rarely discussed with much nuance. SARAH KESSLER investigates a fateful moment when she made a choice. (Personal Essays | October 14, 2008)

My Life in Jest

When floating through post-collegiate limbo, you can use an anchor. JESSANNE COLLINS recalls when a very large book played a very large role in her life. (Personal Essays | September 17, 2008)

A View Across the Bay

The Sept. 11 attacks bonded Staten Island, the city’s most ambivalent borough, more closely than ever before to the rest of New York. TIMOTHY LEDWITH looks at the ripple effects of 9/11. (Personal Essays | September 11, 2008)

It’ll End in Tears

Everyone has a talent, something they do better than most anyone else. For some, that may be solving complex problems. For others, it may be performing an athletic feat. For SARAH HEPOLA, it’s crying. (Personal Essays | September 3, 2008)

What Is It, Boy?

When a beloved companion dies, existential crises loom. MICHAEL SOLOW traces the history of Neptune, his mixed Australian Shepherd, all the way back to the dawn of mammals. (Personal Essays | August 5, 2008)

The Dream Vacation

When appointments and schedules get in the way of travel plans, it’s easy to think of the summer as a lost cause. But it doesn’t have to be that way. ELISHA COOPER on his days at home and the adventures that ensued. (Personal Essays | July 1, 2008)

Mr. Can’t Fix It

To the unhandy, a broken appliance offers an opportunity to prove one’s mettle—and finally break the plastic wrap on that toolbox. Stay-at-home dad CHRISTOPHER MONKS calls in reinforcements. (Personal Essays | June 25, 2008)

Regular Guys

University communities are often divided by townie and out-of-towner, and never the twain shall date. EMILY FREEMAN gives us a story of town and gown, and lawn mower mania. (Personal Essays | June 12, 2008)

Memorare

While AIDS is still a major killer around the world, it has become a manageable condition for most HIV-positive Americans. TIMOTHY LEDWITH bears witness to a time when the mortal threat was closer to home. (Personal Essays | June 10, 2008)

Unexplained Phenomena Associated With Suede

The universe has odd ways of tying fates to fabrics, destinies to a swatch. Just when he and his girlfriend were moving north, RICHARD LEE ABRAMS recalls an odd series of events all relating to a single material. (Personal Essays | June 5, 2008)

Meir Comes Clean

Sixty years after the founding of Israel, the pomp-and-circumstance of the anniversary—celebrated last week on the Jewish calendar and today on the secular one—prompts a different sort of recollection for MICHAEL ROTTMAN. (Personal Essays | May 14, 2008)

Girl Lessons

Mothers and daughters don’t always have the easiest relationships, especially when the daughters try to recycle the mothers with the trash. A story of aspirations, generations, and pop-culture quizzes by JESSICA FRANCIS KANE. (Personal Essays | May 9, 2008)

The Year of the Grey Rabbit

In 1979, as the U.S. became embroiled in the events that would develop into the current political climate, TIMOTHY LEDWITH set out in search of America. Today, he remembers who he—and the country—were. (Personal Essays | March 6, 2008)

Sins of Admission

Growing up with strict Muslim rules can be tough in mainstream America. Throw in prank calls to sexually excitable old men and the going suddenly gets harder. GIGI DOUBAN recollects her early transgressions. (Personal Essays | February 26, 2008)

A Writer by Any Other Name

Describing a character over 300 pages is one thing—reducing yourself to three lines is another. GILES TURNBULL struggles with a writer’s greatest challenge: the byline. (Personal Essays | February 13, 2008)

The Bear

Being a new father of two girls takes love, patience, and the wisdom not to attack other children in their defense. Children’s book author ELISHA COOPER learns the hard way. (Personal Essays | January 22, 2008)

Please Spool to End of Tape Before Playing Other Side

For music listeners of every era, our audio formats define us—until we grow up and upgrade. GILES TURNBULL remembers the sweet squeak of cassettes. (Personal Essays | January 17, 2008)

How to Make Friends and Poke People

Facebook is old news for the sub-30 set, but plenty of their elders are tuning in, logging on, and tossing cows. ELIZABETH KIEM finds out what happens when she overcomes her inner Andy Rooney and feeds her address book to the monster. (Personal Essays | December 11, 2007)

Keeping Up With the Corpses

When her friend moves into a house whose Halloween block party draws swarms of trick-or-treaters from all over LA, COURTNEY LICHTERMAN visits, entering a dimension where the candy corn is organic and the ghosts have SAG cards. (Personal Essays | October 25, 2007)

Like Pulling Teeth

Whether it’s experimental injections, sleep deprivation studies, or freelance writing, sometimes the best way to look after your health is to risk it. COURTNEY LICHTERMAN offers her teeth to a dental student in need. (Personal Essays | August 22, 2007)

Sacrifice

From choosing a mousetrap to moving across the country, parenting requires tough decisions. ANDREW WOMACK on the hardest thing he and his wife have ever done. (Personal Essays | June 12, 2007)

Northern Belle

New York is supposedly the home of the willful and headstrong, the forthright and brassy—but when a cousin from Nashville rolls into town, writes SARAH NORRIS, everyone else seems meek. (Personal Essays | June 5, 2007)

Misery Loves Comedy

Grief takes on many forms, though it’s rare to hear about a sudden addiction to comedy clubs and Seth Meyers’s political impersonations. LAUREN FREY recounts an unhealthy obsession. (Personal Essays | May 17, 2007)

My Hairy Boy

Maybe you don’t have a problem with really hairy arms, but then again, you’re not the father of a Wookie. CHRISTOPHER MONKS vows to right a particularly bristly wrong. (Personal Essays | May 1, 2007)

Blacksburg and Biography

It stunned the nation that the Virginia Tech murders took place; it shocked Virginians that they occurred in Blacksburg. A former longtime resident, BENJAMIN R. COHEN traces his connections to the tragedy. (Personal Essays | April 24, 2007)

Run for the Hills

The world MTV depicts is anything but real. But we don’t watch to escape, writes SARAH HEPOLA, we watch because we can’t look away. (Personal Essays | February 1, 2007)

High-Fives So Hard They Hurt

January in Minnesota can be harsh, though rarely more than in 1999, when a Vikings playoff victory slipped away. From his vantage point next to a stack of commemorative newspapers, SAM KEAN almost saw what could have been. (Personal Essays | January 9, 2007)

Chicken

Don’t know art but know what you like? How would you like to buy some art and never receive it? MICHAEL ERARD falls for a painting, then gets something unexpected in return. (Personal Essays | December 5, 2006)

Potluck Supper

The best Thanksgivings are the ones where all the guests bring their own specialties to the table. Eight CONTRIBUTING WRITERS serve up their best, potluck-style. With illustrations by ANNA FEATHERLY. (Personal Essays | November 22, 2006)

All Hallows

Ghost masks, trampy nurses, and razor-stuffed apples—yes. But Halloween’s true character, as a day to remember the dead, can still sneak up on you, reports JIM COUDAL. (Personal Essays | October 30, 2006)

Amuse Bouche

To butter or not to butter: That is the question, and gluttons with high cholesterol should know the correct answer. But when friends organize a gastronomic tour of Paris, who is ROSECRANS BALDWIN to say no? (Personal Essays | October 19, 2006)

Bonding in the Battlemaze

The family that plays together, stays together—unless they’re playing laser tag. CHRISTOPHER MONKS spends the afternoon at his mother’s unlikely birthday activity. (Personal Essays | October 10, 2006)

In the Realm of the Oak Queen

A generation ago, the death of a pet prompted heartbreak, but the burial may have been a simple backyard affair. Pet funerals these days are going upscale, and one New York pet crematorium sets a shining example, TOBIAS SEAMON reports. (Personal Essays | October 3, 2006)

But I Play One on TV

Saving lives is hard enough—what medical professional has time for significant romantic moments in the supplies closet? Anticipating tonight’s Grey’s Anatomy premiere, JEFF DRAYER looks back on a lifetime of TV role models. (Personal Essays | September 21, 2006)

American Samaritan

In the past five years the U.S. has had no closer partner than the U.K., and though it’s not always a perfect marriage, Yanks and Brits can still come together to solve a problem—even on the steps of the British Library. JESSICA FRANCIS KANE writes. (Personal Essays | September 12, 2006)

I Would Die 4 U

Hazing makes for hot courtship, and how better to love your woman than by hitting her in the face? Realizing her childhood was empty of important life lessons, LAUREN FREY falls under a certain Prince’s spell. (Personal Essays | August 29, 2006)

New Order

Rebuilding New Orleans isn’t just a job for locals—the Gulf is full of post-Katrina immigrants who see a chance amidst the crisis to restart their lives, and possibly remake the face of the Big Easy. NEILLE ILEL writes. (Letters From New Orleans | August 15, 2006)

My First Time With Toots and the Maytals

When you’re young and in love, it’s not so easy to tell the difference between songs of love and songs of protest. VIVIAN DAVIS has a tale of passion and seriously critical misreadings. (Personal Essays | August 14, 2006)

Songs of Herself

Hearing old songs is a great way to get in touch with your past, but what happens when every song points to a different ex-boyfriend? LAUREN FREY pledges to listen to every song she owns—even if it means crying in major retail stores. (Personal Essays | July 18, 2006)

Dawn’s Early Fright

This weekend, numerous Americans will celebrate independence by detonating explosives near their loved ones. MICHAEL FOWLER declares this is the year his family is raising the white flag of surrender. (Personal Essays | June 30, 2006)

The Peril of Ceiling Fans

In South Carolina’s beach country, not having air conditioning, nevermind fans, is these days downright strange. A personal memoir of worried grandmothers and infant decapitation by LOCKIE HUNTER. (Personal Essays | June 28, 2006)

Do-Re-Moo

A report from the world of cow singing in England, where BRIAN KIMBERLING was chased by a stampede of excited cattle, eager to hear him imitate Johnny Rotten one more time. (Personal Essays | June 13, 2006)

Shirtless Summer

Come summer, a line is drawn between guys who doff their tops and those dressed in jacket, tie, and sneer. MICHAEL FOWLER considers undoing the top button. (Personal Essays | June 8, 2006)

To Live and Love in Beautiful Alabama

Erik Estrada wants us to buy land, Ron Popeil wants us to shoot our salad. Promising a better life—free of ills financial and otherwise—when infomercials air on a Sunday morning, the effect can be downright spiritual, says JENNIFER PINKOWSKI. (Personal Essays | May 16, 2006)

Binge Listening: the Art of Consumption

Find a new band, listen to the single, expand to a few more songs, then a whole album, then all the albums, and finally, months later, you’ve exhausted their entire catalog—and listened to nothing else in between. Now: Repeat. OLIVER BROUDY instructs us. (Personal Essays | May 15, 2006)

Dating on Demand

Before you know it, married life can become routine. One way to keep things interesting is by trolling video dating services. The consequences, says CHRISTOPHER MONKS, may be greater than you think. (Personal Essays | May 3, 2006)

Raisin Hell

Fitting in is hard to do. Left to your own imagination, is it better to be yourself—or be a California Raisin? ERIC FEEZELL has a tale of fourth-grade woe. (Personal Essays | May 2, 2006)

Townie or Country?

City or country? Weekends of restoration or weeks of relaxation? With one renovated country house behind him, can DAVID LEITE take the plunge and finally open a preserves shop in the woods? (Personal Essays | April 24, 2006)

Some of This Is Made Up

Sharing your name with a celebrity can be frustrating, especially when the two of you pursue the same occupation. A (maybe) conversation with LAUREN FREY’s (perhaps) cousin, James. (Personal Essays | April 17, 2006)

How to Hang a Cabinet

Nothing satisifies quite like home improvement, especially after you’ve ripped the wall out of your bathroom. A short guide to avoiding complete catastrophe by TODD LEVIN. (Personal Essays | April 11, 2006)

My SXSW Diary

South by Southwest is really about the music, so forget about all the parties and cab rides and breakfast tacos. That’s exactly what SARAH HEPOLA told us when she handed in her expense report. Here’s what (she said) happened between the bars. (Personal Essays | March 24, 2006)

Brushes With the Law

Who knew what evil once lurked in the hearts of THE WRITERS? Arsonists, accomplices, troublemakers all, here are nine lives of crime, cut short. (Personal Essays | March 22, 2006)

Foolish Chances With Words

Laptops making writing easy to produce, and easy to erase. At least with typewriters you’re creating something that, however terrible, lives in the world. MICHAEL ERARD’s remembrance for the dented Olympia of his youth. (Personal Essays | March 15, 2006)

In the Arms of Il Divo

Taking your mom to see male opera singers belt out contemporary pop may not sound all that appealing. But did we mention that they’re totally hot? GILES CASSELS spends an evening watching the boy band for baby boomers. (Personal Essays | March 13, 2006)

I’m Your Biggest Fan

There are many reasons to pepper a celebrity with fan mail: admiration, a sense of kinship, obsession, even boredom. Any are acceptable and all are believable—until you try to explain your motives to others, learns CHRISTOPHER MONKS. (Personal Essays | February 17, 2006)

I Am Not Your Average Family

When cleaning out your refrigerator, you may encounter a number of unexpected items at the back. But please note: It would be wise to leave unopened the jar labeled “catharsis.” JONATHAN AMES writes. (Personal Essays | January 23, 2006)

Bra Mitzvah: Becoming a Man Through Lingerie

Those afraid of flying get on a plane to somewhere, while acrophobes take elevators to the tops of skyscrapers. JOSHUA DAVID STEIN confronted his deepest fear with a journey through a Parisian lingerie shop. (Personal Essays | January 18, 2006)

Weighing in About the Holidays

The holidays pose awful temptations for people watching their weight—especially if they’re gourmet cooks with families to entertain. Will DAVID LEITE survive December? (The Gutless Gourmet | December 15, 2005)

Holiday Travel Hell

It’s a toss-up for what’s worse about Thanksgiving: visiting the family homestead, or simply getting there. Travel stories by THE WRITERS, collected by intern Nicole Pasulka. (Personal Essays | November 22, 2005)

Sharing Smokes With the Holy Spirit

Bumping into an acquaintance can change your day in profound ways. This is especially true when your friend has recently died, ascended to heaven, and been reborn as a vagrant. (Personal Essays | November 10, 2005)

The Green Ghost of Sleepy Hollow

The Kinderhook area of New York is famously haunted. Though is it only by our own thoughts, or from something altogether different? Memories of home turn up the family spirits. (Personal Essays | October 25, 2005)

Do Right Man

When you find someone who can cut your hair right, get engaged. Otherwise they’ll eventually leave, and you’ll have to find someone new. Someone who, in our author’s case, would love to see you with a high-top fade. (Personal Essays | September 21, 2005)

Notes From the Storm

After a week of decisions, heartbreak, and travel, the lives of many exiled New Orleans families have been altered forever. DAVID OLIVIER’s firsthand account of one family’s seven days of evacuation. (Personal Essays | September 9, 2005)

Our Faded Summers

It may be something in the sunscreen, but funny things happen during summer—dehydration, Lyme disease, brief romantic flings. Collected writings of love lost and won (but mostly lost), presented by TMN Summer Intern HEATHER RASLEY. (Personal Essays | August 17, 2005)

Types of Stories My Mother Tells

As it begins, you’re pretty sure you’ve heard this one before. Wait, no, maybe this time it’s different. Maybe this time it’ll have an extra nugget of sage advice. Maybe? A catalog of favorite themes from IAN BAKKE. (Personal Essays | July 21, 2005)

Accidental Cairns, Mount Savage

Natural disasters have a senseless mode of destruction—earthquakes and floods don’t care about what they wreck. But what if nature seems to be deliberately trying to erase your history? (Personal Essays | June 23, 2005)

A View From the Crow’s Wood

You would’ve paid more attention in history class if they taught you what early Dutch settlements were really like. An opportunity to sift through the artifacts at an 18th century Hudson Valley home reveals a way of life that is as odd as it is oddly familiar. (Personal Essays | June 21, 2005)

My Sporting Life

From the very first moment we suit up for gym, our physical abilities can influence who we become or reveal who we were meant to be: blooming star athlete or total band nerd. Giles Cassels recalls the agony of defeat. (Stories | June 1, 2005)

Darth Vader Made Me Cry

From the first moment you see Darth Vader choke that rebel fighter, you know he’s evil. The helmet, the cape, the breathing? Evil, evil, evil. Matthew Baldwin remembers when he met Vader at a shopping center and learned that evil really is as evil does. (Stories | May 26, 2005)

Home: An NPR Radio Expedition

Visits home can wear down even the best of us, but when heard in excruciating detail can become absolutely…excruciating. Jessica Francis Kane presents an audio adventure at her parents’ house. (Stories | May 6, 2005)

The Tour, Chapter 3

A national book tour means many cars, planes, handlers and book-signings. It also means a table of elderly Southern women with specific questions about fertility clinics. TMN Contributing Writer KEVIN GUILFOILE wraps up his journal of cross-country promotions. (Opinions | April 28, 2005)

The Tour, Chapter Two

If you make an ass of yourself on the Dennis Miller show, will anyone notice? If you don’t acknowledge that Beyoncé is Beyoncé, will she care? KEVIN GUILFOILE continues his saga of touring the country for the sake of literature. (Opinions | April 21, 2005)

The Tour, Chapter One

Ever imagine reading to a cheering stadium of millions? How about a single, disinterested Barnes & Noble customer? It’s one thing to write a book; it’s another to publicize it. Contributing writer KEVIN GUILFOILE reports from the field of his recent book tour. (Opinions | April 14, 2005)

Memento Mori

Who was Hunter S. Thompson? To everyone who followed him, he was somebody different. Tobias Seamon remembers his reading life with the Good Doctor. (Personalities | February 23, 2005)

The Fairly Mediocre Satan

You have a ouija board buried in the closet and you’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby, like, a hundred times. But do you really believe in the power of a ritual? Jay Allen didn’t either, as he remembers from a night of dabbling in the dark arts with a friend. (Personalities | February 17, 2005)

Trials and Tribulations

How do you tell a judicial buff that the real-life courtroom is more Night Court than Perry Mason? Send him to jury duty twice in two years, that’s how. Matthew Baldwin gets his civic duty on. (Stories | February 14, 2005)

New Ways to Lose Your Lunch

Everybody barfs. But it’s an altogether different product depending on if you’re an infant or the last one standing at tequila happy hour. Armchair linguist Jenell Williams Paris ponders our culture’s lack of adequate description for reverse-digestion. (Opinions | January 31, 2005)

A New, Old House

It’s true: You can never go home again. ANDREW WOMACK remembers watching a construction team renovate the house he grew up in, and understands why his parents wanted a new place to live. (Stories | January 13, 2005)

A Chosen Christmas

Gentiles avoid guilt all year round—that is, until Christmas, when familial anxiety is at its peak. So don’t drown your sorrows in another mug of eggnog; CLAUDIA BROWN has tips for how she and her Jewish brethren might help those who are freaking out this holiday season. (How To | December 21, 2004)

40 Watts Later

Men buy cars, boats, and watches to make up for their shortcomings; some even purchase stoves. Food writer David Leite looks back on the path that led him to 15,000 BTUs, and consults the Queer Eye staff for advice: what kind of boy goes nuts over an Easy-Bake Oven? (Opinions | December 9, 2004)

The Intramural Sports of Kings

The signup sheet in the break room wants you and your co-workers to meet at the park on Saturday for a game of softball. For some it may just be fun, but for others it’ll be pure competition. Spectator Llewellyn Hinkes watches the games employees play. (Opinions | October 7, 2004)

Since She Died

When a friend dies, your memories can absorb your every waking moment. And also your dreams. SARAH HEPOLA lives through the pain, the joy of remembrance, and the responsibility of both. Here is her story of love and loss. (Stories | August 4, 2004)

If on a summer’s vacation…

Now past the halfway-mark for summer, we’ve all either taken our summer vacations or we’re still planning where to go. For those of us who fall into the latter camp, beware your choices. THE WRITERS remember ways summer vacations have gone so horribly wrong. (Stories | July 28, 2004)

Weddingchanneled

Planning a wedding is a detailed job: narrowing down the wedding party, choosing flowers, and deciding between the white food processor and the chrome one. MACKENZIE DAWSON PARKS discovers the business of wedding registries, and learns how to make it work for her. (Stories | July 14, 2004)

My Sister Moses

Family BBQs can be great summer fun, until someone finds a dead body under the back porch. Then it’s time to bust out the cedar chips. James McLaughlin brings us a story of lawn maintenance, abusive parenting, and hot Marines. (Stories | July 12, 2004)

Cloaks and Daggers

When half of the world’s Hasidim live within a subway ride of each other, the disappearance of two teenage girls is big news, especially when they’ve run away to escape. Pitchaya Sudbanthad looks into the case in light of his years in Saudi Arabia. (New York, New York | July 6, 2004)

The Last Queen Fan in America

The names Freddie, Roger, Brian, and John may not mean much to many ’80s music fans, but to DANIEL NESTER they were the best of the decade: Queen, ever the champions. (Stories | June 30, 2004)

Confessions of a Hired Belly

Roaming Italy for a perfect risotto, or sampling the new Bordeaux while staying in four-star resorts—the life of a food and travel writer rarely evokes pity. But is that only because its hardships haven’t been explained? Correspondent David Leite details the difficulties of his nine-to-five. (Opinions | June 14, 2004)

Following My First Mind

If pop music can change lives, then the process must begin someplace in the mind, and more likely in images than words. Tobias Seamon sends us a postcard from the backyard of his brain, where Sinead O’Connor shares time with the Talking Heads. (Opinions | June 1, 2004)

A Love Affair With Maps

Maps represent our locations, they can serve as a reminder of where we’ve been, and they sometimes show us the best route to the mall. Brian Allnutt charts a personal history across the changing lines of his home state. (Stories | May 12, 2004)

My Brush with Terrorism

Being paged at the airport can sometimes be a lucky break, until it’s a federal investigation. A bag search, substance analysis, and interrogation later, you can forget being upgraded to first class. Jerry Mahoney recalls a misunderstanding at check-in. (Stories | April 27, 2004)

Donald Rumsfeld Is Wrong

Predicting the future is a touchy business, especially if you’re banking on the outcome. JOHN WARNER reports on a personal history of predictions gone right, wrong, and somewhere in between. (Stories | April 21, 2004)

Hobbledehoydom

Being shy or bad at dancing is common for teenage boys, but some men carry on long into adulthood – men who are also called hobbledehoys. Juan Martinez, a self-confessed hobbledehoy, finds company in Trollope while updating the profile for contemporary times. (Personalities | April 19, 2004)

Unexplained Snacks of America

“Grits” only sound edible if you know what they are; and even then you could argue otherwise. Australian MATT RODEN guesses what’s in the boxes of our popular foods. (Opinions | March 23, 2004)

It’s Not Phair

The early ’90s were a great time to be a female singer-songwriter; that is, if your name was Liz P-something. Ex-Zuzu’s Petals lead singer LAURIE LINDEEN listens to a long-avoided album, and lays her axe to rest. (Personalities | March 1, 2004)

I Was a 10-Year-Old Political Consultant

Leading a political campaign can be a thankless job, as ex-Dean-campaign manager Joe Trippi well knows. But what if your candidate isn’t a Democrat from Vermont, but a woodland creature? JOHN WARNER recalls his electioneering days. (Stories | February 2, 2004)

Bright Nights, Big Mountains

The Sundance Film Festival may have a hard time maintaining its indie credibility, but as a magnet for celebrities there is little doubt about its powers. After a few days of film in Park City, writer SARAH HEPOLA looks back. (Personalities | January 26, 2004)

This Year, It’s Gonna Be Different

Perhaps the only joy in making new year’s resolutions is the variety of ice cream flavors it takes to break them. Or maybe this year will be different, wonders Sarah Hepola, writer with resolve. (Opinions | January 15, 2004)

Free Red Wine and Other Humiliations

Your parents and friends enjoy Christmas for similar reasons: your personal embarrassment, shame, and discomfort, assuming you’ve behaved badly enough to warrant their bowls full of jelly. SARAH HEPOLA looks back on a life of seasonal depression. (Stories | December 19, 2003)

Where I’m Coming From

Southerners routinely get trashed up north, where they’re either derided as racists or hayseeds, or the offspring of siblings. Going home to Nashville for Thanksgiving, somewhat-southerner Clay Risen gets fed up with all the mouthin’ off. (Opinions | December 1, 2003)

French Film, French Film

A New York filled with memories. A New York filled with Mallomars. Mallomars filled with, er, you get the picture. Mapping a personal history, Choire Sicha remembers a city. (New York, New York | November 12, 2003)

Sunlit Pictures: A War Album

Conflict is an unchanging part of our society, and only seems in remission when it’s not at our own doorstep. Tobias Seamon offers a collection of vignettes about war and its constant presence in our lives. (Stories | November 5, 2003)

Early Broadcasting

What happens when a ten-year-old enters the ranks of ham-radio enthusiasts and Dirty Old Men? Jason Feifer remembers his friends, his call letters, and his place in broadcast history. No ham or ham-product punnery included. (Personalities | October 20, 2003)

In The Rear With Broken Gear

We depend on our troops to protect our shores—shouldn’t our troops be able to depend on their weapons? Novelist and former soldier Christian Bauman weighs in on 11 deaths attributed to bad equipment. (Opinions | October 9, 2003)

Certifiable

Sure, teaching isn’t for everyone. Finding that out may be difficult, but the awful truth that drives many out of the classroom, screaming, is even harder to ~~lern~~ learn. SARAH HEPOLA was a teacher. (Personalities | September 25, 2003)

The Key to a Successful Freelance Career: A Diary

As more people work at home and telecommute, you can bet that the The View is expanding its influence. SARAH HEPOLA reports on the freelance life. (Opinions | July 23, 2003)

Troubling New Events

Maybe it’s something to do with the harmonies, maybe it’s the way it just makes you feel good. You might not want to admit it, but your toes are definitely tapping. JOHN WARNER has some upsetting news. (Personalities | July 22, 2003)

Night-Blooming

Somewhere in Connecticut, two brothers speed down a darkened nighttime highway on a personal mission. A story by Kevin Fanning. (Stories | June 30, 2003)

Pervert

Apple Computer is well-known for its excellent customer service, but what happens when they’re liable for your perversions? MICHAEL BARRISH inspects the details of the case. (Personalities | June 12, 2003)

The Witch of Dove Street

Amidst gutters draining the wrong way, strange happenings in nature, and loneliness, Tobias Seamon lived in a witch’s house. Better pet the cat for good luck. (Personalities | June 4, 2003)

I Live in a Motel

Travelers know what to expect from a motel: not much, besides pornography. When writer Joshua Allen is forced to live in one for a month, he finds a bit more to appreciate. (Opinions | June 2, 2003)

The Miracle of Dust

Marjorie had a perfectly functional, model family in the suburbs, until the Blessed Face of Holy Mother Mary appeared on her television. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney. (Stories | May 30, 2003)

To Tell You the Truth

As the journalism world feeds on its own frenzy, SARAH HEPOLA confronts an intimate past with exposed Times fabricator Jayson Blair, and her own history of exaggeration. (Personalities | May 16, 2003)

Page Daze

Low-rung employees at Saturday Night Live may not make Lorne’s salary, but they do get to hobnob with the weird and wonderful. Former page ALAN BAIRD looks back on the Belushi days. (Personalities | May 6, 2003)

My Father Speaks Another Language

It’s been said that parents just don’t understand. But what about when it’s the other way around? SARAH HEPOLA hears what her father is saying, but still can’t decipher a word of it. (Personalities | April 22, 2003)

Bear Attack in Western Montana

Childhood education can come from paths less traveled, when a Boy Scout trip takes an unforeseen direction. Brian Allnutt recounts a tale of fear. (Stories | April 21, 2003)

The Secret Gardener

Your parents’ hobbies seem odd and quaint until you discover you can’t sleep late on the weekends anymore. Clay Risen finds early middle age in the flower boxes of his backyard. (Opinions | April 10, 2003)

Rising Bodies

Spring has arrived, and on its tails we spot daisies, rain showers, and dead bodies floating to the surface. That is, if you’re a rather unlucky girl with an eye for corpses. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney. (Stories | April 2, 2003)

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

There’s a lot of land in the U.S., and it’s covered with roads. SARAH HEPOLA takes a cross-country tour, one hand on the wheel, the other on the camera. (Stories | March 14, 2003)

Accidental Strength

Princeton graduate Ung Lee wins prestige, cash, and a number of prizes for his fiction thesis. The hitch is, one of the stories was stolen. Seth Shafer, the author whose work was robbed, responds. (Personalities | March 3, 2003)

Post-Traumatic Postcards

Apologizing for the mistakes you’ve made isn’t easy, unless you limit yourself to a paragraph. LESLIE HARPOLD keeps the sorries short and sweet, even when the regrets are long-lasting. (Stories | February 13, 2003)

Life Lessons in Literature

Where were you when the family car broke down, when you first heard about oral sex, when you chose a political party? More importantly, what were you reading? Margaret Berry shares the books that made the woman. (Stories | February 11, 2003)

Starfucker

Meeting and interviewing (and yes, dating) the stars proves tiresome for even well-seasoned celebrity-worshipper Sarah Hepola. The life of lies and junkets, however, makes for the best party conversation. (Personalities | February 10, 2003)

The Summing Up

We may spend more time with our co-workers than our families, but that doesn’t mean we have to like them. Our D.C. correspondent Clay Risen starts a new job and barely gets past the front desk. (Stories | February 4, 2003)

Obsessions: Dinner Is Served!

Continuing our obsessions series, MAGDALEN POWERS reveals her never-quenched need for aged, obscure cookery manuals, preferably the kind with recipes for Tunnel of Fudge. (Opinions | January 30, 2003)

A Game of Skill, Strategy, Chance

Since dating is already a game, it may be unwise to found a relationship on a shared passion for Sorry. SARAH HEPOLA ignores the meta-implications and tries to play by the rules. (Stories | January 9, 2003)

Defending My Wall

In a world controlled by fear and terror, unemployment, and 24-hour news channels, it is not entirely unlikely that Brooklyn resident Dave Prager could be attacked by al Qaeda. (New York, New York | January 8, 2003)

Joe Mitchell’s Secret

Considered the best profile writer New York’s ever seen, Joseph Mitchell’s influence is unfortunately on the wane. Clay Risen on why today’s prose-makers have lost their way. (Personalities | January 7, 2003)

Sympathy for the Deviled Eggs

Christmas has its fans and foes, but the tanenbaum-crazed, decked in holiday sweaters, are a different story. LESLIE HARPOLD comes to terms with her love for the Yule. (Personalities | December 19, 2002)

Sexual Mechanics

Librarians are asked all types of questions, but few must be experts on the clap. Jessa Crispin reports from a sex library, where pustules and excitable virgins are just another part of the job. (Stories | December 16, 2002)

The Army Wives Club

There is life as a civilian, life as a soldier, and then something in-between: a soldier’s spouse. Army wife Nicole Hunter reports on the glamour, stress, and rewards of life on the base. (Personalities | December 12, 2002)

Mix Tape for Dead Girl

Writing a eulogy used to involve hours of revising and a good thesaurus. JOSHUA ALLEN opts for a cassette of field recordings and madrigals instead. (Stories | December 11, 2002)

Obsessions: Looking It Up

Continuing our series on personal obsessions, Paul Ford tells us about his passion for reference works, the more obscure the subject matter the better. (Stories | November 26, 2002)

Customer Serviced

The holidays are approaching, and mail-order is king. Gifts, however, are no good unless there’s someone to take your order. Joshua Allen reports from a call center at one of America’s largest retailers. (Stories | November 20, 2002)

Friends’ Bands I Have Known

For two years, you thought your college roommate’s band was going to hit the big time. Then you were sober again. Joshua Allen remembers the bands that didn’t even come close. (Stories | November 4, 2002)

Where Are You Now?

Possible humiliation, almost-certain ridicule, and excused overindulgence: Never one to flee from a challenge, SARAH HEPOLA goes to her high-school reunion. (Stories | October 17, 2002)

Windows to Byzantium

There are not many stories that combine the Yankees, Babies Hospital, gardens, Yeats, Hello Kitty, and death. Tobias Seamon has one, and names the names. (Personalities | October 8, 2002)

Running From High Blood Pressure

Death knocks. Your doctor tells you it’s time to start exercising or, well, it’s all over. Taking the hint, Jeffrey Yamaguchi strings up his running shoes. (New York, New York | September 16, 2002)

Local Not-Spots

You have to exit the highway to see the sights. Sometimes you have to venture down even less-traveled roads to find the real stories. Oliver Griswold tells the tales of Yachats, Oregon, and Woody Creek, Colorado. (Stories | September 3, 2002)

The Personal Injury Files

Damages incurred may never be rewarded, but at least they can be remembered. Forever. JASON GURLEY has the files on anyone who ever wronged him. (Personalities | August 7, 2002)

A Few of a Million Postcards

You’re traveling and your laptop’s at home; how the hell do you share how much fun you’re having? Thankfully, SARAH HEPOLA has laid out a few, simple postcard-templates for the rest of us to follow. (Stories | August 6, 2002)

My Move to Brooklyn

In case you haven’t heard, everyone is moving to Brooklyn. Not everyone, though, has an SUV. Woodwyn Koons leaves the Lower East Side for quiet living, with the aid of Russian warlords. (New York, New York | July 29, 2002)

I Remember Patty

Good friends bring out the best in us. Bad friends bring out the instincts that can lead to years in prison. MENA G. TROTT remembers the girl she almost stabbed. (Personalities | July 23, 2002)

Glimpses of a Redneck Childhood

Boredom, adventure, and mischief. JASON GURLEY remembers a past knee-deep in cockroaches, waist-high in foiled plans, and up to its neck in it and more. (Stories | July 17, 2002)

Life of Crime

Americans love a criminal, with style. Just look at the press’s recent fawning over dead mob-boss John Gotti. Unfortunately, Sarah Brown’s life of crime has been completely lame. (Stories | July 15, 2002)

News of a Ratproofing

New Yorkers, like everyone else, are constantly under attack by illness, anxiety, bad air, and cell phones. But only PAUL FORD is haunted by a giant rat. Tales of transformation, staple gun included. (Stories | June 26, 2002)

Chagrin and Men I Have Loved

Shark attacks, public gaffes, ruining a prom dress: as topics for nightmares, any may cause a bad night’s sleep. But only Margaret Berry has survived them all in full daylight, with the help of a few good men. (Personalities | June 17, 2002)

My Guys

Life in New York is easier with money: someone’s ready to do your bidding, for the right price. But finding the right someone is difficult. LESLIE HARPOLD weighs in on the currency required in hiring a good mover, painter, or manicurist. (New York, New York | June 11, 2002)

10 Ways My Dog Is Capable of Advanced Logic

Everyone has a friend or relative that’s smarter, more witty, or in Mensa. Few can claim that for their dog. HEATHER B. HAMILTON was surprised to learn her dog’s a genius. (Stories | June 7, 2002)

Dude, You’re Getting a Dell and Other Success Stories

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an actor not in possession of a private fortune must be in want of a commercial. Actor Woodwyn Koons takes us through the lessons she’s learned on how to win the audition. (Stories | May 31, 2002)

Songs From the Big Chair

Music can inspire nostalgia, assigning memories to songs we relish, or would prefer to forget. Elephant-minded JOSHUA ALLEN remembers each track from Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears and sifts the music for a little personal history. (Stories | May 7, 2002)

Plants I Have Killed

Not all destruction is intentional. TMN editor ANDREW WOMACK has laid waste to some of this planet’s finest vegetation. Don’t let him visit the rainforest. (Stories | April 25, 2002)

Since Your Father Tried to Kill You

You were disappointed when your father tried to kill you. All these years, you thought you had a good relationship, a Bob Saget-Candance Cameron bond. Then, disaster struck. Kevin Fanning sifts through the after-effects and offers consolation. (Stories | April 23, 2002)

A Few Hours in Havana

Havana is a beautiful city: loud, old, rotting in some parts, opulent in others. And, for Americans, completely off-limits unless you’re a student, Ry Cooder, or willing to risk your government’s wrath. Traveling correspondent TIM WEED describes a recent visit, with memories of ghosts, women, and stylish refrigerators. (Personalities | April 11, 2002)

Inside Looking Out

A new graduate knows everything. What could the real world teach that hasn’t already been learned in those four long, grueling years? Out of college, ANDREW WOMACK goes to Dallas, tries not to get a job, gets one anyway, and learns something new. And then quits his job. (Stories | April 8, 2002)

The Ins and Outs of My Gated Community

Being city-dwellers ourselves, we’ve always wondered what it’s like to live in a private community, separated from the world by cameras and fences. Dennis Mahoney happens to live behind such fences, and gives us the insider’s take on modern elite living. (Stories | April 5, 2002)

Personal Hygiene on a Shoestring Budget

It’s a cold, menacing world out there, and it doesn’t care whether or not you’ve brushed your teeth this morning. But you care and you’re broke. So what’s going to come between you and your hygiene needs? The law? MICHAEL BARRISH spits—but so minty, so fresh—in the face of conformity. (Opinions | April 4, 2002)

Catalogue of Bicycle Rides

Every kid wants a bike. We remember our first and anticipate the next. For those that never learned how to ride, may their God be merciful and blind. Paul Ford has ridden many bikes and still keeps one in Brooklyn. A history of cycling in one man’s life. (Stories | April 2, 2002)

Easy Like Drinking Water

‘He adjusted the speed on the cruise control to an even sixty and stared out the window at the rows of cattails growing on the side of the turnpike. Through their tawny, rowed communities he could see New York approach from the east, a tangle of concrete and steel. He drove past the city, further north, until he couldn’t wait any longer, which turned out to be Massachusetts.’ A story by John Bishop. (Stories | November 18, 2001)

The Day After The World Trade Center Was Attacked

There is a palpable sadness in Brooklyn today, seen in how people walk, then stop, as if they’ve just forgotten something, how they gather on street corners to talk, in those who cry on the sidewalk and the faces of the old people in my neighborhood who look up when the roar of jet planes starts again. THE EDITORS remember. (New York, New York | September 12, 2001)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

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