Spoofs & Satire

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Humor in all forms to keep you grinning through the tedium.

I Cannot Accept This Award

Acceptance speeches are often great for moments of hubris and disaster. For anyone soon to win a prize, HUDSON HONGO offers a template not to use. (Spoofs & Satire | November 3, 2009)

The kids are asleep upstairs, and the sitter waits alone in a darkened house—and then the phone rings. If you think you know what happens next, think again. THE WRITERS finish the story. (Spoofs & Satire | October 30, 2009)

Is Rapper Kanye West Dead?

Suspicious lyrics and other clues suggest something may be amiss among the hip-hop royalty. Collecting evidence, ANDREW WOMACK uncovers a familiar case. (Spoofs & Satire | October 27, 2009)

Adventure Capital

It’s risky business, this adventuring, and best not undertaken by those bereft of bravery or collateral. MATTHEW BALDWIN reviews a loan application. (Spoofs & Satire | September 30, 2009)

Home Schooled

Home-schooling gets a bad rap from advocates of traditional education. Writer COLIN NISSAN defends his parents’ choice to create a high school at home, including a prom. (Spoofs & Satire | September 28, 2009)

Don’t Be a Statistic

While H1N1 dominates the headlines, other equally worrisome conditions get lost in the panic. RALPH GAMELLI has tips to survive spontaneous human combustion. (Spoofs & Satire | September 25, 2009)

The Fiery Furnaces Visit the Department of Motor Vehicles

The brother-sister duo’s narrative inclinations take over during a license renewal. MICHAEL ROTTMAN waits in line. (Spoofs & Satire | September 24, 2009)

Not Everyone “Got” It

In the early days of The Muppet Show, the famous bonhomie between celebrities and their Muppet co-stars wasn’t there yet. MICHAEL ROTTMAN reveals the encounters that didn’t make a rainbow connection. (Spoofs & Satire | August 21, 2009)

The Savior of Newspaperdom

Unless the newspaper honchos invent some brilliant ideas, the broadsheet is dead. LLEWELLYN HINKES contributes a last-ditch brainstorm. Front-page nudity, anyone? (Spoofs & Satire | August 5, 2009)

Interview With the Genie

For man and djinn alike, a soft economy makes for a tight job market. MICHAEL ROTTMAN wishes for a qualified candidate—and gets three. (Spoofs & Satire | July 21, 2009)

Read My Body Language

When you fold your arms or cross your legs, you unconsciously send a message that reveals your true thoughts. RALPH GAMELLI shows us how to read his physical cues. (Spoofs & Satire | June 16, 2009)

The Cougar Who Would Be Queen

Supreme Court nominee Sotomayor has been called a bigot and a racist—and that’s just week one. CLAY RISEN intercepts a memo to Republican politicians outlining the next phase of attack. (Spoofs & Satire | June 2, 2009)

Letters to a Young Lawrence Welk

Before he became famous, Lawrence Welk was just another hoofer working for tips. Then he reached out to Rainer Maria Rilke. MATT EVANS discovers where the Chicken Dance began. (Spoofs & Satire | May 19, 2009)

Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman

The U.S. and the U.K. have much in common, but not postage. ROSECRANS BALDWIN and GILES TURNBULL account for the mysteries of two very different mail systems. (Spoofs & Satire | May 5, 2009)

In the Event That You Have Accidentally Swallowed the Higgs Boson

Ingesting a wily particle is no laughing matter. MICHAEL ROTTMAN offers 10 steps of concrete advice to consider before your hands grow to the size of large cities. (Spoofs & Satire | April 8, 2009)

The Blame Game

In Part Two of his ongoing Alex Rodriguez coverage, BEN GREENMAN flips through A-Rod’s catalog of the perps who caused him to take steroids. (Spoofs & Satire | March 27, 2009)

Fallen Heroes

Every day, on street corners and in shopping centers across the nation, hungry mouths get their fill of authentic, toasted Italian cuisine. In a one-act play, ERIC FEEZELL gets behind the sub. (Spoofs & Satire | March 25, 2009)

It Is My Wish

Some hope for peace, others for environmental protection—and that’s because TED Prize wishes aren’t often granted to neoconservatives. JASON SILVERSTEIN has the ideas you’ll never hear from the dais. (Spoofs & Satire | March 12, 2009)

All the President’s Pens

It’s difficult to fix the economy when you can’t find a stapler. ZHUBIN PARANG reviews some recently declassified White House audio tapes as President Obama works through his first 100 days. (Spoofs & Satire | March 6, 2009)

Letters From Cousin Yuri

When Alex Rodriguez identified his cousin Yuri on Tuesday, the media had a new fall guy for A-Rod’s steroid problem. BEN GREENMAN, however, has uncovered a troubling history of influence. (Spoofs & Satire | February 20, 2009)

My Brief Wondrous Life

On Sunday night, Hollywood’s finest will clasp the man of their dreams to their chests. DAVID K. ISRAEL suggests they should perhaps shake hands first. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Oscar. (Spoofs & Satire | February 18, 2009)

You’re Just Not That Into You

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Maybe you should try closer to home. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, LAUREN BANS reports on the new book to help you ladies purge your self-loathing. (Spoofs & Satire | February 10, 2009)

How I Survived the Various Apocalypses

From zombies to aliens to zombie-aliens, RALPH GAMELLI recalls the times that, with civilization at its very brink, against all odds—you know the drill. (Spoofs & Satire | January 15, 2009)

The Week After

Barack Obama’s inauguration next week will be full of significant, historical events. But what about the seven days to follow? LLEWELLYN HINKES lays out a week of policy, scandal, and Kelsey Grammer-baiting. (Spoofs & Satire | January 14, 2009)

I Dream in Malcolm Gladwell

A new sport is taking hold, one that involves marshmallows, sticks, and fire. BENJAMIN R. COHEN follows the spirit of a fuzzy dome to the far reaches of human experience. (Spoofs & Satire | January 7, 2009)

Christmas Carols, Revised for the Recession

Not only reckless, “dashing through the snow” appears wasteful, certainly not a prudent act in uncertain times. JON METHVEN clarifies what was meant when what was sung was sung. (Spoofs & Satire | December 11, 2008)

The Roommate

A woman stops by her dorm room late at night. Careful not to wake her roommate, she never turns on the light. The next morning, she returns to find the police at her dorm. What happens next? Only THE WRITERS know. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2008)

Transitioning

Two candidates are vying for the White House—as are their decorators. Planning for a January move-in date, both teams have ideas for ways to ensure a smooth handover. ERIC FEEZELL writes. (Spoofs & Satire | September 30, 2008)

Of Thee I Zing

In the two weeks since she became John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin has made her mark—most notably for her aggressive joke-telling. Since the Democrats are unwilling to jibe back, ERIC FEEZELL takes off the gloves and delivers some punchlines. (Spoofs & Satire | September 12, 2008)

The Secret Journal of Levi Johnston

In just a few short weeks, vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin’s future son-in-law has traveled from the hockey rink to the political arena. What happened in between? SARAH HEPOLA writes. (Spoofs & Satire | September 10, 2008)

The Fierce Urgency of Preseason Rankings

To help you reverse the failed policies of your previous defensive lines, the presidential candidates offer last-minute fantasy football drafting advice, with ghost-writing by CRAIG BERMAN. (Spoofs & Satire | September 2, 2008)

An Arachnological Guide to the Spiders From Mars

Our planet welcomed their invasion, despite unknown dangers they may have posed. Following decades of research, MARCO KAYE offers an overview to these interstellar species. (Spoofs & Satire | August 26, 2008)

Save Bubekhar

The world over, do-gooders are doing it for the greater good. But when carp gods and tight blouses mingle, discord looms. JON METHVEN intercepts a series of dispatches. (Spoofs & Satire | August 7, 2008)

Man Bites Dog

As bookstores swell with narratives, instruction manuals, and other paeans to man’s best friend, publishers turn to even the most inexperienced owners for new pulp. BOB WOODIWISS offers margin notes on an upcoming memoir. (Spoofs & Satire | August 1, 2008)

Re: Cephalopod

Now that Congress has approved domestic wire-tapping, no one can prevent the U.S. from becoming a surveillance state. No one, that is, except for cathym17@zipmail.com. MATTHEW BALDWIN writes. (Spoofs & Satire | July 30, 2008)

A Survivor’s Journal

America weathered Y2K, Viagra junk mails, and Web 2.0. But will it survive the next technological crisis threatening civilization? MATTHEW BALDWIN reports from inside a bunker. (Spoofs & Satire | July 10, 2008)

M4W: Surrogate Mother

About us: A childless couple who pines for the pitter-patter of little feet around the house. About you: Fertile, with an athletic build, and maybe a tattoo. JON METHVEN writes a wanted ad. (Spoofs & Satire | June 13, 2008)

Food Network Kicks Its Programming Up a Notch

An adventurous new show proves you can’t boost your ratings without breaking a few eggs. JON METHVEN intercepts an interoffice memo. (Spoofs & Satire | May 15, 2008)

A Mnemonic Guide to Remembering New Planets

Memorizing the newly assigned 11 planets may be tough for anyone who’s already graduated fifth grade. RICHARD LEE ABRAMS offers a tutorial on devising your own mnemonic system. (Spoofs & Satire | April 29, 2008)

A World Without Me

Assume all human life within an apartment suddenly and inexplicably vanishes, said human life consisting entirely of RALPH GAMELLI. What happens next? (Spoofs & Satire | March 26, 2008)

The Third-Inning Blooper Reel

Contract disputes, managerial changes, players testifying on Capitol Hill about steroid use: With only a month until spring training, baseball didn’t get much of a rest this off-season. MATTHEW BALDWIN reports on the errors we didn’t catch. (Spoofs & Satire | February 7, 2008)

Stimulating

The government says your stimulus check will soon be in the mail, but when you finally receive it, should you invest it—or instead blow it on something the economy won’t ever forget? CLAY RISEN offers spending suggestions. (Spoofs & Satire | February 6, 2008)

A President for Hill View Neighborhood Watch Like My Father

We need a president who welcomes responsibility, who can connect with people of all walks of life, and who will work to make our neighborhood great again. ELLIE KEMPER endorses a new leader for a new era. (Spoofs & Satire | January 30, 2008)

Axis of Evil: Annual Letter to Our Members

‘Tis the time of year for annual reports, holiday cards, and family update letters. SHAP SWEENEY intercepts the yearly status report for the world’s most evil—and well organized—leaders. (Spoofs & Satire | December 14, 2007)

Three Simple Ways to Abandon Your Family

When enough is enough, when federal investigators are on your trail, or you’ve decided to marry that cocktail waitress after all—it’s time to leave. RALPH GAMELLI has a guide for deadbeats. (Spoofs & Satire | November 16, 2007)

Children’s Letters to George W. Bush

The White House is besieged by requests from all corners, even America’s classrooms. A trove of letters to the president discovered by MIKE RICHARDSON-BRYAN. (Spoofs & Satire | November 14, 2007)

Letter From Hollywood

Striking TV and film writers should be shutting down the industry, right? Not so fast. Hollywood has a plan for a new kind of synergy, and now that the writers are out of the way, it’s showtime. Screenwriter JOSH A. CAGAN channels the beast. (Spoofs & Satire | November 7, 2007)

The Backseat Killer

A maniac is chasing an innocent woman. She gets home and runs to her house, just as the pursuing car screeches in to the driveway. How will it end? Only THE WRITERS know, in our annual open-ended gore fest. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2007)

America’s Next Top Model Democracy

The winning country receives billions in government contracts and becomes the show’s next host. Who will it be? MATTHEW BALDWIN gives us a sneak preview. (Spoofs & Satire | October 10, 2007)

Television: How Novel

People who hate television love to talk about it, not realizing they could be spending their time improving their minds—with novelizations. TODD LEVIN looks at the best of the oeuvre, with and without Steve Urkel. (Spoofs & Satire | July 30, 2007)

Choose MedCalf

Americans spend more on health care than anyone in the world, yet the quality of our care doesn’t match up. We need a new system—one we can believe in. MICHAEL FOWLER introduces our new sacred cow. (Spoofs & Satire | May 23, 2007)

Random Acts of Kindness

Hilton’s latest “be hospitable” campaign has people all over reporting on the good deeds of others. With only 1,000 baht—and a little help from Jeremy Piven—MILES KAHN pays it forward. (Spoofs & Satire | May 4, 2007)

The Adventure of the Missing Stocking

The writers of the television series Lost take time out of their busy schedules to write this pastiche—the latest chapter in the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. (Spoofs & Satire | April 18, 2007)

I Slept With Osama bin Laden

A journey halfway around the world culminates in a cave with surprisingly romantic lighting. STEVE McNUTT spends the night with the world’s most wanted man. (Spoofs & Satire | March 28, 2007)

I Did It

When Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning a litany of terror crimes, he was just getting started. ERIC FEEZELL has more from the al Qaeda mastermind who can’t stop confessing. (Spoofs & Satire | March 23, 2007)

SXSW 2007: The Very First Review

The South by Southwest Music Festival is a never-ending stream of bands, booze, and laminates that barrels through Austin, Texas, each spring. SARAH HEPOLA isn’t going this year, but that won’t stop her from reviewing it. (Spoofs & Satire | March 15, 2007)

I Write Camille Paglia’s Next Column so She Doesn’t Have To, Vol. 1: The UFC

For those who still don’t grasp the subtext, reifications of Anna Nicole, Ultimate Fighting, and Eddie Murphy—with some writing help by JOHN WARNER. (Spoofs & Satire | March 13, 2007)

Is Chris Dodd White Enough?

The ‘08 Democratic nomination is turning into a hot ticket, and favorites are already being pegged. Concerned voter JAY DYCKMAN wonders if the senator from Connecticut has what it takes to be America’s next great white hope. (Spoofs & Satire | February 21, 2007)

Will You Watch My Computer for Me?

Good manners and solidarity require us to monitor each other’s things in a public library. But what happens when Iranian porn addicts get involved? JAMIE ALLEN reports. (Spoofs & Satire | February 15, 2007)

My Bloodthirsty Valentine

What says true love better than ear-shattering shrieks interspersed with low, guttural growling? If you’re in the market for a uniquely thoughtful Valentine’s Day present, ERIC FEEZELL has the perfect, possibly rabies-infected gift for you. (Spoofs & Satire | February 13, 2007)

Fragments From Horse’s Mouth! the Musical

It wasn’t long into the nation’s mourning for Barbaro that Broadway’s top producers hatched a plan to preserve his fame. But who knew purgatory was meant for horses? BEN GREENMAN reports. (Spoofs & Satire | February 5, 2007)

Barack to the Drawing Board

With Barack Obama’s presidential campaign underway, his advisors are working overtime to make sure their man appeals to the American public, and the first challenge is the name. ERIC FEEZELL snags a secret memo proposing the senator’s new monikers. (Spoofs & Satire | January 18, 2007)

Soulmakers: The Story of Holland / Dozier / Amin

Through all the highs, lows, and violent overthrows, Motown was always about the music. MICHAEL ROTTMAN excerpts a forthcoming book on the label’s heady days, when a certain Ugandan was tearing through the ranks. (Spoofs & Satire | January 5, 2007)

Being Christopher Hitchens

Living as a once-Trotskyist megaforce, now war-toting superstar can take its toll. Particularly when your personality subdivides into pro wrestlers. LLEWELLYN HINKES dissects the many Christopher Hitchenses. (Spoofs & Satire | January 3, 2007)

What’s Your Resolution?

The confetti’s been tossed, the funny hats are crumpled in the corner, and at least three of us had a little too much champagne. At the start of a new year, THE WRITERS offer an answer to the question everybody’s asking. (Spoofs & Satire | January 2, 2007)

The Gift of the Magi

It’s Christmas morning, and a couple’s yuletide glee is under siege by the secular progressives. Provocative television personality and 19th century author O. REILLY spins their tale. (Spoofs & Satire | December 14, 2006)

Wii Feel Your Pain

Nintendo’s new gaming system has thrilled many players with its motion-sensing capabilities, some to the point of harm. A memo received by ERIC FEEZELL explains how not to injure your family. (Spoofs & Satire | December 12, 2006)

We’re Looking Out for You

With slo-mo commercials warning against fender benders, does your insurance company truly have your well-being in mind? RALPH GAMELLI introduces us to a firm that has you in good hands; that is, if they hadn’t just been digging through your trash. (Spoofs & Satire | November 29, 2006)

The Five Stages of Black Friday

The road from denial to Christmas is an arduous one, and begins the day after Thanksgiving. In search of gifts for loved ones, LAUREN FREY abandons all hope, and braves the throngs. (Spoofs & Satire | November 21, 2006)

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Pogue

If only Shane MacGowan had been more persuasive, his Pogues might have been recognized as the greatest of all Irish bands. MATTHEW SUMMERS-SPARKS considers what could have been. (Spoofs & Satire | November 15, 2006)

You Sexy Atheist, You

Who says non-believers can’t get frisky like the faithful? Secular countries may be suffering declining populations, but MICHAEL FOWLER explains that atheists still have all the fun. (Spoofs & Satire | November 9, 2006)

The Kennel at the End of the World

Sure, you’re going to heaven, but what about your dog—and yes, even your cat? FEDERICO GARDUÑO offers a helpful guide to caring for your pets after the rapture. (Spoofs & Satire | November 1, 2006)

The Vanishing Date

Halloween: time for stories of headless horsemen, escaped psychos with hooks for hands, and ghosts other than the white-sheet variety. But the same stories year after year can get a little dull. THE WRITERS retell a scary tale. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2006)

Googling for Trouble

The search company has asked that people tread lightly when verbing its name—but can it turn away history’s momentum? ERIC FEEZELL googles some answers. (Spoofs & Satire | October 30, 2006)

Acmegate

The White House has a secret that not even an Acme Ultimatum Dispatcher could eke out. PHILIP GRAHAM intercepts a tell-all memo from Tony Snow to Karl Rove. (Spoofs & Satire | October 17, 2006)

Tricks, and Beer, Are for Kids

Adding another log to the public-relations pyre where several corporations recently burned, reporter GREG RUEHLMANN brings us an exclusive, damning memo from Toys’R’Us. (Spoofs & Satire | October 5, 2006)

Employees Must Double-Wash Hands

The recent E. Coli scare sent many bags of spinach into the trashbin. Now that the FDA says the outbreak is over, how will restaurants assure us what they’re serving is safe to eat? ANDREW WOMACK has a solution. (Spoofs & Satire | September 29, 2006)

Covenant Schmovenant

The Ten Commandments are concise and plainly worded—because the Israelites were smart enough to lawyer-up before finalizing the contract. DAVID K. ISRAEL has excerpts from an early draft archaeologists dug up last week. (Spoofs & Satire | September 22, 2006)

Let’s Catch the Wave of Waterboarding!

In a recent White House press conference, Karen Hughes, undersecretary of public diplomacy and public affairs, unveiled an exciting new chapter in the war on terror. PHILIP GRAHAM has the scoop. (Spoofs & Satire | September 20, 2006)

The Obit Laureate

The first installment of our occasional series where KEVIN GUILFOILE transforms recent Times obituaries—a gong striker, a burger matriarch, a bagpipe virtuoso—into light verse. (Spoofs & Satire | August 16, 2006)

Golf Is a Highly Mental Game

A guide to the major techniques, strokes, and hazards you will encounter during an average day on the links. First: You should never forget that golf is a highly mental game. RALPH GAMELLI writes. (Spoofs & Satire | August 8, 2006)

Mel Gibson’s Project Redlight

Given his recent legal troubles, Mel Gibson may want to put some of the upcoming projects from Icon Pictures, his film production company, on hold. TODD LEVIN looks at some of the movies we’ll have to wait a bit longer to see. (Spoofs & Satire | August 4, 2006)

The Bright Side

In this day and age of unmet expectations and underwhelming results, writes DOUGLAS LIGHT, it’s more important than ever to follow the examples of others and look at things in the right light. Welcome to the Bright Side. (Spoofs & Satire | August 1, 2006)

Reviews of Books Written by My Ex-Girlfriends

Whether he acted as catalyst or played the well-meaning muse, one thing’s for sure: JEFF BARNOSKY’s writerly exes are a prolific bunch. But are they any good? (Spoofs & Satire | July 17, 2006)

God or No God

Is that a benevolent deity inside your briefcase or is Loki just happy to see you? KEVIN GUILFOILE introduces the game show that’s got Americans clutching their prayer books: It’s God or No God with Howie Mandel! Atheists, watch out! (Spoofs & Satire | July 10, 2006)

Letters to a Young Putin

The world was shocked when President Putin kissed a boy on the stomach because he resembled a kitten, but according to Putin’s letters to Russian schoolchildren, we shouldn’t be too surprised. ROSECRANS BALDWIN writes. (Spoofs & Satire | July 7, 2006)

Centers of Unlearning

If relics like tractors and antique toilets deserve museums, why not creationism? And why stop there? BOB WOODIWISS has a guide to upcoming halls of wisdom. (Spoofs & Satire | July 5, 2006)

The Future of Organized Labor

From economists to politicians, pundits the nation over argue organized labor is fast becoming extinct. If unions survive, it’s safe to assume not much will change when it comes to ground-level operations. People, after all, will be people. And robots, says ERIC FEEZELL, will be robots. (Spoofs & Satire | June 29, 2006)

Dante, Hero of Sinners

You already have your summer getaway planned—but what about your permanent vacation? Given your options, Hell may be less temperate, but its hidden perks make it well worth the trip, says MICHAEL ROTTMAN. (Spoofs & Satire | June 27, 2006)

Namibia’s Tourism Minister Sends a Plea to Britney Spears

Just because your career takes an awkward turn doesn’t mean your baby’s birth can’t be a cherished event. Before you cancel your reservation at the Namibian birthing palace, JAY DYCKMAN would like a moment of your time. (Spoofs & Satire | June 26, 2006)

Gastroeconomic Indicators

On special today we have a sampling of menus and social strata. But before you order, remember: Who you are depends on what you eat. BOB WOODIWISS is at your service. (Spoofs & Satire | June 19, 2006)

Barbaro Responds to Fans

The nation falls in love with an injured horse and a thousand weepy editorials and get-well cards salute his courage. Now our equine hero responds to his well-wishers via his assistant, GREG RUEHLMANN. (Spoofs & Satire | June 1, 2006)

Virginity Pledge 2.0

With more and more kids reneging on their signed virginity vows, it’s time for swift action. JAY DYCKMAN brings us an updated pledge from LifeTime Ministry that explains all you really need to know to keep your ticket to salvation intact. (Spoofs & Satire | May 26, 2006)

A Word of Advice

‘Tis the season of graduation ceremonies, when many will be told it’s the first day of the rest of their lives. THE WRITERS disagree, and offer the ultimate commencement speech. (Spoofs & Satire | May 4, 2006)

Do You Have Hipsters?

You’ve seen the warning signs, you can tell something’s not quite right—so now’s the time to do something about it. ERIC FEEZELL’s step-by-step guide on how to rid yourself of a hipster infestation. (Spoofs & Satire | April 21, 2006)

BetweenTheLines.com

Tired of having your work rejected by editors left and right? The Frustrated Amateur Writers Network may be just what you need to jump-start your writing career. They won’t be able to get you published—but they can help you feel better about it. JESSICA FRANCIS KANE writes. (Spoofs & Satire | April 20, 2006)

Some of This Is Made Up

Sharing your name with a celebrity can be frustrating, especially when the two of you pursue the same occupation. A (maybe) conversation with LAUREN FREY’s (perhaps) cousin, James. (Personal Essays | April 17, 2006)

How to Hang a Cabinet

Nothing satisifies quite like home improvement, especially after you’ve ripped the wall out of your bathroom. A short guide to avoiding complete catastrophe by TODD LEVIN. (Personal Essays | April 11, 2006)

Hoping for a Safe Return

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: Your child goes missing only days before you try and claim him as a dependent on your tax return. BENJAMIN R. COHEN’s tale of loss and capital gains. (Spoofs & Satire | April 10, 2006)

The Cast of Blossom vs. Wu-Tang Clan

It’s true that this year’s South by Southwest music festival brought a number of unlikely musical pairings to the stage. Few, says PASHA MALLA, were as unlikely as Joey Lawrence and Raekwon. (Whoa!) (Spoofs & Satire | March 21, 2006)

The Closest Jay Comes to a Love Song

At the rager the chicks come and go, talking about art or something. In time for a hundred hip-hop-hoorays, LAUREN FREY’s frat-boy adapation of T.S. Eliot’s “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” (Spoofs & Satire | March 7, 2006)

Barnosky and I

You’ve received the credit card statements, the cancelled checks, the postcards from Aruba. But only at the end of a case of identity theft, writes JEFF BARNOSKY, will you discover how much was really taken from you. (Spoofs & Satire | February 27, 2006)

Be Not Afraid

Between rescuing Joaquin Phoenix from a car wreck and dodging bullets during an interview, German director Werner Herzog seems to lead a dramatic life. According to his private diaries, says ROSECRANS BALDWIN, we shouldn’t be surprised. (Spoofs & Satire | February 10, 2006)

We Didn’t Start the Fire

The winter 2006 tour journal of the Piano Men, North America’s only five-member Billy Joel tribute band (as written by TODD LEVIN, Cold Spring Harbor-era Billy Joel). (Spoofs & Satire | February 7, 2006)

One Possible Outcome of Super Bowl XL

The predictions have been made, the spreads have been laid. So who will reign supreme on Sunday? MICHAEL ROTTMAN says anything is possible. (Spoofs & Satire | February 2, 2006)

I, Servant

Admitting you have a problem is a big hurdle to face, but confessing you need help can be even more difficult, especially when you’re forced to choose your own path. CLAY RISEN asks: Will it be robot or monkey? (Spoofs & Satire | January 26, 2006)

Alito: A Love Story

When a forbidden love is requited, its consequences will touch us all. GILES CASSELS goes further than he ever imagined, further than anyone believed he would in this shocking, tender tale of romance, obsession… and murder. (Spoofs & Satire | January 12, 2006)

Time to Floss

He told everyone what it stood for before, but this week nobody’s buying a single detail about James Frey’s life—or his tattoo. JOHN WARNER has the true story behind contemporary literature’s most in-your-face symbol. (Spoofs & Satire | January 11, 2006)

A Message From the Executive Officer of Artistic License

When two literary giants fall in one week, would-be writers may be concerned that their own publishing fortunes may be in danger. Though they may have lots to hide, they’ll have little to fear with these ever-popular products and services at their disposal, writes PHILIP GRAHAM. (Spoofs & Satire | January 10, 2006)

How James Yeh Is Celebrating Christmas in San Francisco

Sometimes you can’t make it home for the holidays: Just ask JAMES YEH, who recently moved away from his hometown in rural South Carolina. We asked people from his high school what they thought he was up to; here’s what we learned. (Spoofs & Satire | December 16, 2005)

The Southwestern Canon

Harold Bloom is perhaps our finest Shakespeare critic and certainly one of literature’s most passionate lovers. Who knew he’s a big chili fan too? (Spoofs & Satire | December 5, 2005)

How The World Scores

Though people around the world may measure success in slightly different ways, there is a single scale that is universally accepted. Because, in the end, it’s all about how you made out. (Spoofs & Satire | October 13, 2005)

The Last Hurrah of the Mash-Ups

All of these unlikely musical pairings are bound to get unlikable soon. But rest assured somebody out there will still appreciate the effort. Reviews of the very last of the famous international long-playing records. (Spoofs & Satire | October 11, 2005)

If on a Winter’s Night, Dave Coulier

For those who knew the wacky shirts were actually a comedian’s armor. For those with an answering machine message that said “Hi dee ho!” For those who’ve ever been lost out there and all alone. Excerpts from the forthcoming Dave Coulier fan fiction anthology. (Spoofs & Satire | September 29, 2005)

Changed Equations That Changed the World

As it turns out, the rules of science are more flexible than you’d think. When you tinker with the mechanics of the universe, however, you’d better be prepared for drastic repercussions. (Spoofs & Satire | September 27, 2005)

The New Confederacy

Whether or not the new head of FEMA knows what’s best for New Orleans is a matter of concern—at least for the one person who knows he knows what’s best for the city. Presenting a manifesto, a proposal, a parvum opus from one Mr. Ignatius J. Reilly. (Spoofs & Satire | September 20, 2005)

Kafka in the Green Zone

It’s difficult to make friends in the middle of warfare, but the least you can do is try. Join the existentialist as he rapidly descends through his tour of duty. (Spoofs & Satire | July 27, 2005)

Farewell, Tour

The tickets cost too much, the band didn’t play long enough, somebody keeps stealing my seat, and the drunk guy is annoying me and my girlfriend. A letter to whoever is in charge. (Spoofs & Satire | July 8, 2005)

The Homeland Security Annuals Budget

What looks better with sandbags—marigolds or bluebonnets? A privied look at how the decisions are made on what to plant and where, and ways to beautify a bollard. (Spoofs & Satire | July 7, 2005)

You Only Act Once: The Lesser Bonds

Many actors have attempted to wear the mantle of 007—and many have had their licenses to kill revoked, and not just because of suspicious accents. Here are the reasons why they lost the coveted role, with grievances aired by cast and crew. (Spoofs & Satire | June 22, 2005)

The GTA Crunk: Props from a Self-Skooled Rapologist

You should not hate the player; however, you should hate the game. Pasha Malla infiltrates the centre of underground hip-hop culture that is Toronto, ON, and returns with stories of being skooled and seeing bling. Def! (Personalities | June 7, 2005)

Frequently Asked Questions About the Toyota Prius

Tired of that gas-guzzler you’ve got parked in the driveway? Perhaps it’s time you drank the antifreeze and experienced the future of the universe, and your reality too. JOHN WARNER doesn’t trust anyone who can drive over 30. (Opinions | June 2, 2005)

Tempting but Ill-Advised Email Auto-Responses

Email can be a time-saving, productive tool; that is, except when your friends and family are the ones behind it. Jessica Francis Kane finds new ways to let technology filter out the noise of life. (Opinions | May 17, 2005)

Wish You Were Here

Corporate wilderness retreats and fat camps have a few things in common: mediocre food, sleeping in tents, and lustful bloodthirsty competition. Todd Levin and Bob Powers report from their summer destinations. (Stories | May 10, 2005)

Hero of the Year

Reality television has been popular for a lot longer than you might think, and it’s only going to get bigger. Once we get rid of the news networks and install an awards show, that is. Matthew Baldwin broadcasts a signal from the Wellys. (Personalities | April 26, 2005)

Never Say Neverland Again

A contest was recently held to find someone to write the official “Peter Pan” sequel. Though author Geraldine McCaughrean was chosen from hundreds of candidates, James Finn Garner shares with us the openings from a number of rejected applications. (Stories | April 20, 2005)

Greetings From the Mercer Mobile Home Community Zoo

Political battles! Injured children! Mange! You’ve wondered what goes on inside the bureaucracy that is your local mobile-home community’s zoo—now Rob Eccles lets you in. (Stories | April 1, 2005)

Orientalism: Yes or No?

It’s one thing to be a Westerner with a healthy respect and admiration for Eastern cultures; it’s another to make your son wear a hijab to soccer practice in order to intimidate opponents. Pasha Malla helps us sort through a few case studies in Orientalism. (Stories | March 29, 2005)

Juiced

Can Congress get baseball to go cold turkey off steroids? And how many passionate pleas will it take? Rep. Tobias Seamon speaks, passionately and otherwise, rooting out those who seek enhancements of every kind. (Opinions | March 21, 2005)

Pledge of Allegiance

It’s pledge drive season again! And this time everybody’s getting in on the action. Matthew Baldwin sneaks into the studio and watches as those Social Security reforms take on an entirely different medium. (Stories | March 17, 2005)

That’s My Vader…

Some days you’ve got it, other days you don’t. And some days, you’re the dark lord of the Sith. Rob Eccles knows what it would be like if Darth Vader spent a day in his shoes, speaking only in memorable quotes from the original Star Wars. (Personalities | March 14, 2005)

How Many Names Hath God?

No matter when we say the word God, whether in church or in vain, couldn’t we all use a couple synonyms for the all-mighty one? MICHAEL ROTTMAN examines the many possibilities, e.g., Abraham, or Clapton. (Stories | March 8, 2005)

Craigslist in Baghdad: Missed Connections

Some people are there to sell a cheap computer. Others to divulge a personal rant, but let’s face it: Most people go to Craigslist for the missed connections. Jamie Allen reports from the boards of love in the Baghdad branch. (Personalities | March 4, 2005)

A Different World

You’ve always known it deep down, but season one of the Cosby Show would have been a bit different had Cliff Huxtable habitually drugged and subsequently fondled select bit players. Rob Eccles writes. (Stories | March 3, 2005)

I’m Not Gay, but My Boyfriend Sure Is

It’s hard to be an average American male when all the guys around you are extremely hot. Joshua Sonnier reports from inside the chambers of the Men in Love with Gay Men support group. (Opinions | February 25, 2005)

Questions Frequently Asked About TiVo, Answered by Someone Who Loves TiVo Too Much

What’s that? You still don’t have a TiVo? Ahh, you must have some questions about the technology before you take the plunge. Lucky for you, JOHN WARNER is here with a stack of answers and a filled baptismal pool. (Opinions | February 9, 2005)

Here’s the Pitch

Space: the final frontier…of delicious cooking! Mike Baker and Pasha Malla have an exciting new idea for a cookbook that has “out of this world” recipes that are “universally appealing.” Get ready, because it’s T-minus 10 to tasty! (Personalities | February 8, 2005)

Richard Wagner’s The Breakfast Club

While the influence of Wagner’s oeuvre is heard today even in such folksy phrases as “It ain’t over ’til the prom queen sings,” what endures most from Wagner’s one true masterpiece is its totally bitchin use of character motifs. JAIME J. WEINMAN explains. (Stories | January 26, 2005)

Diaries of Andy Warhol, Terrorism Czar

The White House has found trouble in recent weeks with its security appointments, so the President boldly takes a new approach. Pitchaya Sudbanthad reports on Andy Warhol’s installation as the ultimate (and silvery) homeland defense. (Stories | January 3, 2005)

Using Product Placement In Your Serial Killer Script

As product placement in movies becomes accepted by audiences—and even appreciated—isn’t it about time screenwriters retooled their work into something the people at Burger King can really get behind? Rick Paulas has tips for turning your art-house script into big money. (How To | December 8, 2004)

The Six Wives of Henry LaGrange

Henry LaGrange has a very big problem. And when he isn’t struggling with his dissertation, bribing his thesis advisor, or marrying multiple women, his problem only gets bigger and bigger. Fiction by Tobias Seamon. (Stories | November 16, 2004)

Testimonial From a Moderately Satisfied Customer of Singles Canoes

Dating is impossible: Your friends have only so many friends to set you up with, co-workers are off-limits, and online services are icky and cold. Luckily singles can now turn to Singles Canoes, a new service we hadn’t heard of until BOB POWERS clued us in. (Stories | November 10, 2004)

The Plotlines Against America

Philip Roth’s bestselling new novel, The Plot Against America, depicts a U.S. that elects Charles Lindbergh over F.D.R. in the 1940 presidential election. Lindbergh’s documented anti-Semitic stance is put into action, and the book goes great distances to retain believability. How? As always—with top-notch editing. ANDREW WOMACK reports on a series of writer-editor correspondence. (Stories | November 2, 2004)

A Few Bad Apples

Following the public outrage and scandal, after the hospitalizations and quarantines, the Unified Fruit Crop Corporation offers a helpful list of questions and answers to address your many concerns about the problem with its fruit. Jeremy Richards reports. (Stories | October 28, 2004)

The Silence of the Muse

After a lifetime of rejection slips, publishing can be a trying, if not life-threatening, business. GRADY MILLER exposes a history of correspondence between a desperate poet and his unfortunate editor. (Stories | September 21, 2004)

Trailers for Everyday Life

Ever wonder why your life’s not more like Mel Gibson’s? Ever think maybe it’s because he gets better narration? Pasha Malla and Mike Baker bring us a batch of movie trailers scripted for real-life scenarios. (Stories | September 13, 2004)

Things They Don’t Tell You When You Check Yourself Into a Mental Hospital

Don’t believe what the other patients say: the doctors probably won’t try to sleep with you. Chicago’s Chris Sprow brings us a guide for anyone who’s been tempted to check themselves in. (Stories | September 9, 2004)

Answers to Some of the Tough Questions Posed in the Song “Why” by Jadakiss

The popular and controversial hip-hop song asks a lot of questions, though it doesn’t get many answers. CODY WIEWANDT sifts through the lyrics and finally tells us why Jadakiss is as hard as it gets. (Opinions | September 2, 2004)

A Tour of the George W. Bush Presidential Library

His father is known as a cheerful correspondent, while his predecessor just released a thousand-page memoir. How will Dub-Dub be remembered when his papers are collected? Contributor Paul Ford takes us for a walk down the Corridor of Freedom. (Stories | August 30, 2004)

So You’ve Been Taken Prisoner by a Billionaire Colombian Drug Lord

“We’re going to get you out of this alive and make Mendoza pay. But you’ve got to follow my directions to the letter—because Mendoza’s got Jenny, your wife.” DAN WEAVER presents a field guide by Delta Force Col. Tom Smits. (Stories | August 25, 2004)

Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials

You’ve heard the spots, where the helpful voice of the OnStar satellite representative rushes to the aid of the panicked motorist. But have you heard them all? JOHN WARNER digs through the transcripts that didn’t make the final cut. (Stories | August 18, 2004)

Rick James Meets Fay Wray in Heaven (A Very Short Play)

America lost two great artists this week, musician Rick James and actress Fay Wray. Writer and playwright JOHN MOE sits in on their introduction at the pearly gates. (Stories | August 12, 2004)

Natural Selection

With no prospects for a girlfriend and his level of physical fitness plummeting, Matt Evans reads Darwin in hope of personal evolution, and then embarks upon a journey of cardiovascular and self-improvement. With unexpected results. (Stories | August 2, 2004)

Sentences of Discontent

Someone has to write the next Da Vinci Code, why shouldn’t it be you? To kick-start the writing process, Tobias Seamon brings us a batch of great first lines guaranteed to get your blockbuster off to a best-selling start. (Stories | June 28, 2004)

The LiveJournal of Zachary Marsh

An awfully different young man graduates from high school and quickly learns more than he bargained about snack foods, ducks, and a secret family history. MATTHEW BALDWIN discovers an online record of some mysterious goings-on. (Stories | June 21, 2004)

What’s the Frequency, Musad?

When ruling parties win with 99.8 percent of the vote, Middle East-style elections can be confusing for Westerners. Luckily we’ve had the Dan Rather of Arab news, Musad Abir, all these years to guide us on election night. SHAWN O’NEAL looks back on some of the highlights. (Stories | June 15, 2004)

Waiting for George

Zipping to Monte Carlo, dropping by diamond shows on yachts, gazing at the languid models: All in a day’s work during Grand Prix weekend. But please, asks Preston Johns, where are the real celebrities? (Stories | June 9, 2004)

Tanks for the Memories

America hasn’t been the same since Bob Hope died, and now, when we need him most, at war around the world, who will challenge the pompous and self-righteous? GRADY MILLER imagines what the great one-liner might say to our troops. (Stories | June 3, 2004)

Behind the Scenes: Untitled Fall Project

What to do when you and your sister are worth billions, on the brink of adulthood, and then your brand new movie flops? Go to college? Our Los Angeles reporter Kevin Fanning goes undercover to discover the starlets’ new plans. (Stories | May 24, 2004)

A Course Guide to Literary Readings

These days, literary readings aren’t as boring as they should be. But what for the budding author or poet, still in school, who doesn’t know how to smash a guitar or bake a cobbler onstage? Philip Graham has suggestions for expanding the curriculum. (Stories | May 13, 2004)

Australia’s Mightiest Heroes

Wherever there is trouble, from marketing to marsupials, they will protect. Super-genius and superhero Dick Smith hatches a new era of costumes and secret identities. Ever the true believer, MATT RODEN reports. (Stories | April 30, 2004)

Coming This November

The presidential race is heating up. And at this point, it’s anybody’s game. So, who will be ready to take the oath, and who will be sent home in disgrace? Matthew Baldwin gives us a preview of what we can expect this fall. (Stories | April 16, 2004)

Huff Your Way to a Healthier You

Turpentine, propane, Marks-a-Lot: Huffers of the world know their poison, and well. Some gourmands, however, see in their hardware store a cellar of fine wines. With little circles around his nostrils, Colin J. Murphy sniffs out some favorite markers. (How To | April 14, 2004)

That’s All I’m Going to Say for Now

An ill-planned duck hunting trip sours under the media scrutiny. Justice Scalia makes a firm statement, and Matthew Summers-Sparks tails him through a day of saying not much else. (Stories | March 17, 2004)

The Passion of the Christ: Blooper Reel

No film set exists without its share of gags and accidents, even the filming of Mel Gibson’s crucifixion epic. Interloper Paul Ford got a transcript of scenes that may never make it onto the DVD edition. (Stories | March 2, 2004)

Great Oscar Gaffes

Every year we watch the nominations unfold, the awards change hands, and the speeches drag on. But we miss all the inappropriate jokes, drunk punches, and other such un-televisables. Mike Baker and Pasha Malla bring us the moments Oscar wished he’d never seen. (Stories | February 25, 2004)

Die Softly

Action movies may seem old hat these days, but they had to start somewhere. BENJAMIN R. COHEN takes us back to the pre-Schwarzenegger years, when a movie audience thirsty for speed and thrills could only turn to My Dinner with André. (Opinions | February 24, 2004)

Happy Endings

With today’s final taping of Friends, fans across the country wonder what’s in store for TV’s six pals. Will Rachel and Ross finally find romance? Will Joey’s career take off? Ready with spoilers for the final episode in May is Andrew Womack. (Stories | January 22, 2004)

The Way of Nigella

What Jamie Oliver does for young ladies with his pestle, Nigella Lawson does for men who love a summer’s plump tomatoes. But, as Pitchaya Sudbanthad explains, what Lawson does with monkeys is a whole different story. (Stories | January 20, 2004)

Progress Reports: Fourth Quarter 2003

The Institute of Improbable Research has the means to make the impossible happen. From losing a loser’s viriginity to building the best coach in the world, JOHN WARNER has their year-end results. (Stories | January 14, 2004)

Talking Dirty with the Gray Lady

We all knew she was smart and provocative, but can she be sexy? Matthew Summers-Sparks learns a thing or two about vernacular and innuendo on a steamy night out with the paper of record. (New York, New York | January 8, 2004)

The Auctioneer Retires

Real estate agents may cash in their posts for a gold watch when they retire, but what’s given to the auctioneer when young blood threatens his position? A gold Matisse? ROSECRANS BALDWIN looks at the last man of a dying breed. (Stories | December 9, 2003)

Welcome Back From Baghdad, Mr. President

After taking off on a top-secret Thanksgiving Day jaunt to Baghdad, President Bush appears to be on a mission to be the Badass-in-Chief. Or are there other motives at work? Philip Graham chases the paper trail. (Stories | December 2, 2003)

The Matrwich

The Bush administration’s decisions and policies have often confounded even its closest allies—are they living in a different world than the rest of us? MATTHEW BALDWIN suspects a trip down a certain rabbit hole may turn up some answers. (Stories | November 17, 2003)

The Man Who Was Hook

Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story. (Stories | October 31, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: The Vermonster

Once the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, Howard Dean has lost a lot of ground to Clark and his free candy bars. Can the campaign recover? Cheshire Dave hitches a ride on the Dean bus and reports on the new political strategy. (Stories | October 28, 2003)

The NPR Blooper Reel

Hearing about Howard Stern and a bevy of strippers is no big surprise for the radio-savvy, but David Brancaccio and a goat getting clinical? OLIVER GRISWOLD reports on clips not included in your regular broadcast. (Stories | October 21, 2003)

The Bellow/Parcells Letters

Forget worrying over book contracts, alcoholism, or unwanted kids—where do Nobel laureate authors turn for advice on their hair? KEN KRIMSTEIN discovers the lost correspondence between two great authors. (Stories | October 6, 2003)

Yes I Did, Now I Do

There are many good reasons to get married (booze, Dennis Rodman, true love) but as a recovery method for the victims of severe trauma? ROSECRANS BALDWIN reports from the Neuropsychiatric Institute at U.C.L.A. Medical Center. (Stories | September 29, 2003)

TiVo’d

Technology can be a scary thing, in the wrong hands. Luckily, there’s help. Joshua Allen sees an analyst about a problem with his personal video recorder. (Stories | September 15, 2003)

The Lonely Days

Many people have their own holidays—grandparents, secretaries, certain dead Presidents—but what about the ordinary man, lost in this modern world? BOB POWERS has researched a global brochure of holidays for men who are alone. (Stories | September 11, 2003)

Makeover Madness!

Never fear: Television can change your life when there’s a makeover show specially designed to do just that. ANDREW WOMACK follows two guests and learns. (Stories | September 5, 2003)

Second Careers

When it’s time to change careers or face hardship in the workplace, many Americans ask, what would Jesus do? According to John Warner, most hockey players would prefer not to know. (Stories | September 3, 2003)

The Mnemonics of Mnailguns

‘Tis the season for home renovation, but unless you have a degree (or years experience) in carpentry, a cheat-sheet is required for survival. Home-repair expert LLEWELLYN HINKES writes in with aids for the amateurs. (How To | August 26, 2003)

Stuck in Craw City

Baseball’s history is thick with stories of bad luck, but no one’s unluckier than Louisiana’s minor-league Gizzards. Tobias Seamon writes in with a bit of baseball fiction. (Stories | August 6, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: Plan 63

With its credibility in the weeds, the White House must find a way to restore its public image before the next election. Veteran reporter Joshua Allen gives us a priviliged glimpse into what’s being planned. (Stories | July 25, 2003)

The Indignant Correspondence of Folksy Ken Oakley

Liz Phair is not the first artist to fight bad reviews with worse allegories—folk artist Ken Oakley invented the genre. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the only musician to have 184 albums panned in Rolling Stone. (Stories | July 3, 2003)

The Columbia Letters

In 2001, the book My First Presidentiary came out, authored by KEVIN GUILFOILE and John Warner, and quickly became a best seller. A college student contacted the authors with a simple question. They responded with glee. (Stories | June 23, 2003)

The Fudgy-Wudgy Guy

Epistemology may seem pleasantly bewildering, but wait until it begins to mess with your childhood memories. MICHAEL BARRISH reports from under the beach. (Stories | June 5, 2003)

What They Weren’t Worth

The Guidry and Lunton families bear children, live their lives, and die in a world bubbling over with misunderstood words and cliché. A story by JON FASMAN. (Stories | June 3, 2003)

Selections From My Most Wanted

The U.S. printed the 55 most-wanted Iraqis on a deck of cards to enable both easy apprehension and quick games of rummy. But its villains aren’t the only ones on the loose. JOHN WARNER deals a more personal hand. (Personalities | May 9, 2003)

Walking the Rx Red Carpet

Where do you get the scoop on the drug industry’s hot new products? Why, at the Rx spring show, that’s where! Tobias Seamon makes nice with the celebrated followers of pharmaceuticals. (Personalities | May 7, 2003)

Gone Missing

With so many people gone missing these days, what do you do when your loved one’s gone too? Hire a private detective, that’s what you do! John Blades is hot on a trail of stunning clues. (Stories | April 15, 2003)

How to Survive a Deathbed

It’s not SARS, and you’re sure it’s something worse. Even though they say it’s just a cold, you’ve already resigned yourself to death’s icy grip. Tobias Seamon serves up ways to make the wait a little more worthwhile. (Stories | April 14, 2003)

An Interview With the Dolphin

Many were surprised when the U.S. Navy announced it was using dolphins for mine-sweeping in the war with Iraq. Even more were stunned when one of the dolphins went AWOL. Submerged reporter PAUL FORD gets the interview. (Personalities | April 8, 2003)

New York Inventions

Life in Gotham becomes so insular occasionally, we wonder why scientists aren’t working on special inventions to make our lives easier. Luckily, the TMN engineers are on the case; THE EDITORS explore their findings. (New York, New York | April 1, 2003)

MetaFilter in the Ruins

When the apocalypse comes, when the world ends as we know it, you can bet someone will be updating Metafilter. KEVIN GUILFOILE points out there’s nothing worse than a doublepost after your hair has fallen out. (Stories | March 4, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: Cool 2B Real

The initiative: The cattle industry wants to promote beef to teenage girls online. The result: ‘Cool 2B Real.’ Paul Ford sneaks into the boardroom and tells us how it really happened. (Stories | February 24, 2003)

Schrödinger’s Iraq

Philosophy, Iraq, mice? President Bush made some very strange comments in a press conference. Matthew Baldwin blends in with the press corps to give us the scoop. (Stories | February 20, 2003)

Love in the Time of Smallpox

Terror warnings be damned! This Valentine’s Day you can hug with your honey without fear of attack – with these handy tips. Dennis Mahoney keeps the romance alive. (Opinions | February 14, 2003)

Why Won’t You Leave Me Alone?

Some people hear voices inside their head, others simply hear voices, and it tortures them to death. Sufferer Dennis Mahoney begs you to leave him alone, you and your constant demands. (Stories | February 6, 2003)

Jeremy Bitz Can’t Get a Break

In the second installment of our Jeremy Bitz: Unlucky Man series, JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN detail a list of extremely unfortunate events in the life of one man. (Stories | January 28, 2003)

This Old Human

No country cabin is complete without a proper old man. Tobias Seamon reports from the set of This Old Human and gives us the scoop on how to craft the perfect curmudgeon. (Stories | January 22, 2003)

Jeremy Bitz Has an Afternoon of Gross Misfortune

Some people are born lucky, others attract misfortune. Unfortunately for Jeremy Bitz, he’s the prince of the latter camp. JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN report on how a few hours can ruin a young man’s day. (Stories | January 16, 2003)

Happy New Year from Sam Nougat

The bringing of a new year suggests reconciliation, a time for us to forgive our relatives any faults from last year. Or, ask them to forgive us. Either way, Tobias Seamon points out that a massive group email probably isn’t the best method. (Stories | January 13, 2003)

After the Twelve Days of Christmas

Yearly these twelve days of Christmas bring us many gifts: partridges, pear trees, and many maids equipped with pails. Dennis Mahoney recounts the bevy of presents, and responds. (Stories | January 6, 2003)

Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, Revisited

In the first installment of a new series of re-readings, YANCEY STRICKLER dusts off his dog-eared copy of Metamorphosis and sees it in a decidedly different light. (Spoofs & Satire | December 17, 2002)

Transcending Spaces

A television show rolls into town, interior designers and carpenter in tow. Two sets of neighbors trade houses in a decorating scheme to surprise each other. Sound familiar? Well, it did. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports. (Stories | November 21, 2002)

Requiem for Boddy

A somber moment, remembering a departed friend. Reflecting on a life of wartime heroics, stateside baronism, and missed opportunities, Matthew Baldwin takes the podium and says a few words. (Personalities | November 11, 2002)

11 Stories About Cross-Dressing

J. Edgar Hoover made cross-dressing big in the States, and now everybody’s doing it. Eleven stories by Kevin Fanning on the ordinary lives of people in different clothing. (Stories | November 7, 2002)

Scary Stories

In celebration of Halloween, we’ve asked all the Contributing Writers to share a scary story. Here then, seven ways to get freaked out. (Stories | October 31, 2002)

The Opposite of Sex and the City

There is a city that belongs to Sarah Jessica Parker, and it is slowly creeping into PAUL FORD’s head. That is why it’s sometimes nicer to imagine HBO’s hit series as a Beckett play. (New York, New York | October 21, 2002)

Bienvenue au Musée Renteria

Like many modern painters, the extremely famous Renteria had issues with women. KEVIN GUILFOILE shares a guide he picked up at Renteria’s museum. (Stories | October 16, 2002)

The Half-Assed Handyman

Are your screws loose? Is the house falling apart? Call the Half-Assed Handyman! KEVIN GUILFOILE walks us through proper fence gate repair and the best way to fix a lawnmower handle. (How To | September 27, 2002)

This…Is SNN!

Welcome to a special broadcast of SNN, the Simplified News Network, where you get the news after you already understood it. Understand? Matthew Baldwin reports from the set. (Stories | September 23, 2002)

Where Are They Now?

Remember Jack and Diane? Well, they’re not doing so hot these days. Musical historian PAUL FORD tracks down the stars of yesterday’s songs and gets the update. (Stories | September 18, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000

The hottest new toy is the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000, a vibrating broom proving popular with lots of little girls. Industrial investigator Joshua Allen reports on its insidious development. (Stories | September 11, 2002)

John Ashcroft’s 2002 College Football Preview

Thanks to the 2001 PATRIOT Act we can learn the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men. The time is upon us to take this information and put it to good use: predicting the 2002 college-football champions. KEVIN GUILFOILE taps the phones. (Stories | August 29, 2002)

The Alaina Rautio Interview

A controlled rainstorm, dolls that come to life, an accidental fire. Joshua Allen talks with architect Alaina Rautio about a house she built in a bottle in Portland, Maine. (Personalities | August 27, 2002)

Monkee Wives

Record companies build bands on trends, hoping their musicians will rise to the top of the newest! hottest! sound. Not every band, though, can have an exclamation mark. THE EDITORS inspect the rejects. (Stories | August 15, 2002)

This Week Beyond Baseball

A dim light in the booth. A buzzing, and the microphone fizzles back on. Welcome back the ghost of Mel Allen, the departed host of This Week in Baseball! With Biff Loman in tow, his soul walks again to give us the rundown on who to watch in the 2002 pennant race. (Personalities | August 13, 2002)

iPod vs. Sliced Bread

Is the iPod better than sliced bread. No, is it really better than sliced bread? Yancey Strickler and Lavina Lee put on the goggles and find out for sure. (Op-Ed | August 1, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Operation Fish from Hell

The U.S. has many problems right now, but its deadliest threat can grow to three feet long: The Chinese Snakehead. Investigative reporter Joshua Allen goes deep undercover to get the government’s reaction to a meat-eating snake. (Stories | July 31, 2002)

Brenda Stahler Gets Married

Falling in love is no joking matter; falling in love with your best friend’s girl is ass-whuppin’ time. ROSECRANS BALDWIN and JOSHUA ALLEN recall the woman that came between them. (Stories | July 18, 2002)

Spam Poet

Do you see that detritus in your inbox as fodder for verse? No? Then meet the Spam Poet, who takes everyday junk mail and turns stink into stanza. KEVIN GUILFOILE waxes poetically. (Stories | July 8, 2002)

Kevin Fanning’s Home Security Basics

Dangerous times call for drastic measures. From mental combat to homemade weaponry, Kevin Fanning knows a few good tricks to keep the bad guys away. (Opinions | June 27, 2002)

Surrey with the Syringe on Top

In the cutthroat world of playwriting, where a good line means the difference between fame and famine, many authors fall victim to the lure of performance-enhancing drugs. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports with an exposé on steroids in the stage scene. (Stories | June 14, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Minority Report Trailer

Big-budget movies require big-budget marketing, and you can bet every second of the trailer is accounted for, in impact. Investigative reporter Joshua Allen gets the inside scoop on Steven Spielberg’s new flop. (Stories | June 13, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Pirates & The Navy

Once the scourge of the seven seas, now fuel for ARGHHH… jokes and the parrot industry, pirates seem better suited for Disney World than the Atlantic. However, the Navy was attacked last month by a band of unwashed scurvyites. Landlubber JOSHUA ALLEN reports. (Stories | May 28, 2002)

Rules of the New Restroom

We’ve all seen the ‘Employees Must Wash Hands’ and ‘No Smoking’ signs in bathrooms. But what about other common sense rules? How are we to know what’s permissable, and what’s just plain wrong? THE EDITORS offer some suggestions. (Opinions | May 23, 2002)

Casual Fan Fiction

Fan fiction: that writing frontier attempted by only the most diehard of followers. Kevin Guilfoile, hardly a West Wing devotee, throws his hat into the fan-fic ring with a view from that guy from Apocalypse Now’s Oval Office. (Stories | May 15, 2002)

Zan: Summertime Superhero

You don’t have a house in the Hamptons, you don’t have a pool; hell, you don’t even have central air conditioning. Face it: the only thing that will save you this summer is a miracle, or a superhero. Dennis Mahoney explains. (Opinions | May 10, 2002)

A Chat with Penny, Chatterbot

Computers are taking over the world, and, recently, they’ve started talking back. Celebrity reporter Dennis Mahoney gets the inside scoop on Penny, infamous chatterbot and supreme know-it-all. (Personalities | May 2, 2002)

The Mediator on Gay Marriage

Before arguments come to a head, they should come to The Mediator. Here The Mediator solves an issue rife with debate: gay marriage. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the new ground rules. (Stories | May 1, 2002)

Meet the Nielsens

They’re like any other demographically-correct American family, except that everyone’s watching them. Dennis Mahoney visits with the Nielsens to chat about The Company, TV statistics, and what, exactly, doesn’t make them so darn different. (Stories | April 19, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Oprah Cancels Book Club

The fate of literature has always been uncertain. In recent times the path seemed secure, guarded by Updike and Barnes & Noble tote bags. Then, disaster struck. Publishers crashed their Mercedes, agents sold their leather blazers. Veteran investigator Joshua Allen reports on the tragedy from within Oprah’s private chambers. (Stories | April 12, 2002)

Pascal’s Wagering

Even great philosophers must eat, go to the bathroom, iron their shirts, get dumped. Like all of us, some live great lives, most suffer. But none can avoid the troubles of being human. KEVIN GUILFOILE recalls a past-life with Pascal, and a few unlucky bets. (Stories | April 10, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: President Bush Merges Agencies

Shadow governments, merging powers, churches and children: It’s no secret that power breeds concealment. Yet behind the veils of rhetoric, simple men and women are simply doing business, PowerPoint and all. Ace reporter JOSHUA ALLEN was the only correspondent to hide behind a large curtain during a recent press conference and discover that even the mighty have their foibles. (Stories | April 3, 2002)

The Ten Days of Christmas

I’m fingering bath balls like Captain Queeg. Mom’d prefer the, the what, the Serenity, maybe? Or the Sandalwood Rejuvenation? Or better yet just go for the pre-wrapped basket with the goat’s milk soap and lavender sachet? Joshua Allen decks the halls. (Stories | December 16, 2001)

Beyond Black Dogs and Mice

A survey of creatures which foreshadow depression, and their literary origins. Paul Ford gives the lowdown on the beasts that portend misery. (Stories | March 30, 2001)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

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