Based on the U.S.’s pack of cards depicting Iraq’s most-wanted individuals

Card: Four of Clubs

Name: Jimmy (last name unknown)
Overall rank: 45
Date of offense: July 7, 1977
Nature of offense: Harmed self-esteem
Description of offense: On day-camp bus trip pointed at my mop of unruly blond hair said I ‘looked like a girl.’ He then nudged his seatmate, insisting, ‘Doesn’t he look like a girl?’ Seatmate nodded. Jimmy continued to point at me, chanting ‘girl, girl, girl,’ over and over. Entire bus began chanting, ‘girl, girl, girl.’ My nickname for remainder of summer camp: ‘girl.’ I was seven years old.

Card: King of Diamonds

Name: Steve Garvey
Overall rank: 2
Date of offense: October 6, 1984
Nature of offense: Lucky SOB
Description of offense: San Diego Padres first-baseman, facing Chicago Cubs reliever Lee Smith, hit ninth-inning, two-out, game-winning two-run homerun in game four of the 1984 National League Championship Series, paving the way for a game-five Padres victory, and ending the season short of the World Series for the best Cubs team since 1906.

Card: Jack of Ass

Name: Professor Jack Wealthington
Overall rank: 32
Date of offense: Fall semester, 1990
Nature of offense: Killed (temporarily) enjoyment of literature/offended fashion
Description of offense: While sleeping off hangover during class, required each student to ‘count’ the number of references to eyes in The Great Gatsby. Also, actually wore sports coat with elbow patches.

Card: 10 of Miserable Excuse for a Human Being

Name: Ratface Blockbuster Clerk
Overall rank: 27
Date of offense: Yesterday
Nature of offense: Being born
Description of offense: Insisted on, and even relished, ringing up late fees on movies returned 10 minutes after noon deadline.

Card: Queen of Hearts

Name: Mindy Kohlberg
Overall rank: 4
Date of offense: March 23, 1987, 3:23 p.m.
Nature of offense: Careless with feelings
Description of offense: When asked within my earshot by an intermediary as to the possibility of going to the prom with me, Ms. Kohlberg replied, ‘Who?’

Intermediary: ‘John, from History class.’
Kohlberg: ‘I thought his name was Ron.’
Intermediary: ‘No, it’s John, he sits right behind you.’
Kohlberg: ‘Really?’
Intermediary: ‘Yeah.’
Kohlberg: ‘Whatever, no. I don’t think so, ugh.’

Card: Eight of Stuffed Suits

Name: ABC television network
Overall rank: 17
Date of offense: May 15, 1995; March 28, 2001
Nature of offense: Criminal neglect
Description of offense: Poor promotion and time-slot yo-yo-ing, led to cancellation of sensitive, Herskovitz-Zwick-produced dramas My So-Called Life, and Once and Again.

Card: 10 of Vague Regrets

Name: Rob Latrobe
Overall rank: 23
Date of offense: January 24, 1983
Nature of offense: Threatening words
Description of offense: Once vowed to ‘get me’ after I butted him in the stomach with the floor-hockey stick during gym class. Been looking over my shoulder ever since. Frankly, I’d like to end the anxiety.