The Morning News

Watching • Do the Swiss Dream of Post-Apocalyptic Rap Battles?

You shouldn’t be disappointed that the one in 50 million chance of apocalypse didn’t happen this week; you should be pretty damn happy that nothing exciting happened to reward those watching the live web-feed at CERN, the particle accelerator in Switzerland.

Friends and I are sure that it’s not when they turn the thing on, but when it really starts stretching its legs that the world will play the ultimate lottery. It doesn’t help that benevolent Greek hackers are breaking into the system. We definitely don’t want computer geeks the Greek Security Team trying to over-clock a Black-Hole-Machine.

Exactly what is happening in Switzerland and what the Greeks have against particle physics is unclear. There is one surefire way to help all nations understand what is happening: the universal language of Rap.



Other things need explanation too—like rap battles. Here is one, translated for your enjoyment, including these very watered-down and no-fun lines: “The alleged facts you have uncovered in regards to me are unfounded and without merit. My birthplace is not only vastly inferior to yours, but my neighbors are much more resilient.”



Yet another election year demographic, No Values Voters, will be providing a lot of support for the apocalypse this year. The Onion suggests Citizens for a Bleaker America will be trying to swing the election toward hell sometime in November. And what else is bleaker than the end of the world? Post-apocalypse apocalypse, we can only assume. There’s nothing but mere chance stopping a meteor-hit world being swallowed into a black-hole—we’d probably consider ourselves lucky.



If anything is going to blow a hole through the earth, it’s CERN. When it does, here’s what will happen when you dive into the rabbit hole.

When the apocalypse does come—if you don’t go all Alice in Wonderland on us—what will you be doing? And why aren’t you doing it now? The following sort of recklessness seems like the sort of risk end-worlders will be enjoying. Fun until the sea starts to boil.



 —Mike Smith, Sep. 16, 2008
SHARE THIS • EMAIL THIS • FILE UNDER: CERN, Rap, Switzerland, The Onion

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