The Non-Expert

Photograph by Steph Goralnick

Marketing the Massive Range

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we contribute copywriting ideas to help a reader sell Super Viagra Soft-Tabs.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: From: Rock Rolanda
Subject: Save on GenericDrugs_Viagra$1.15, Cialix$1.99, Levitr$2.93, Cheapest prices. 4 pills FREE. Fast worldwide shipping lzt lhoo
To: The Non-Expert

Discount drugs… Save 80% every order! We have ALL the products that our customers have asked for, including new Super Viagre Soft-tabs that work in just 15 minutes! This is the next-generation of sexual improvement wonder-drugs. Please take a look at our site, see for yourself the massive range of products that we have.

Answer: Thank you for writing to the Non-Expert. I was so excited to get your message, and I agree that soliciting feedback on a marketing plan is an effective and sensible way to move forward with a business, especially such an innovative one. Totally innovative!

First off, whether they were deliberate or not, I really liked some of the clever wordplays in your description of strategy. “Massive range of products” was very pictoral, not just a verbal double entendre, also a visual one. I can see it in my imagination. I can really see it! One piece of advice: just to punch up that line a little, why not replace the word “products” with “tools?” Do I have you? Right? You know what I mean.

Hold on a second. I need to lol ol ol olll. (Lol.)

Man, this job is good for the soul.

Here’s another thing: a shorter subject line packs a bigger punch. Phrases like “Fast growth formula” and “foot long” have been really, really effective for some of your competitors. But listen, you’re The Rock and you can do better. You’re the purveyor of ALL sexual improvement wonder-drugs. Never lose sight of just that: the wonder.

You believe in what you do. I can feel that. Congratulations on finding a way to offer the most effective variety of Viagre (European spelling = bigger play) at such a deep discount. It’s a real public service. Think of the old man hos who can keep working because of you.

I hate to say this, but now in the age of cynicism, I wonder if potential customers and their partners might think it sounds like too much of a good thing. I don’t mean that as a super funny pun. I’m really asking if they’ll believe you. How effing sad that that these are the times we live in.

Please tell Friggie G. Bizniz that I will respond tomorrow to his inquiry regarding undetectable hidden cameras in Jessica Biel’s room.As it is, my spam filter caught your message. Technology can be so stupid, and people are stupid enough to think that everything in their junk folder is junk. It’s exactly what George Orwell and that movie with the lady getting the really severe facelift warned us about. We can’t trust The Machine. But people do! They do. So they might—at least initially—disregard your ambitious, generous plan as nothing more than tinned meat. But you know what kind of meat you’re offering.

Look, sometimes to attract the right customer you have to increase the price. This worked for Hummer. You should piggyback on Hummer. Try offering your special Viagre version of Viagra at only 75 percent off instead of 80. Eighty is a discount for pseudo-nouveau riche posers who will represent your brand limply. Seventy-five, though, is the kind of discount that makes high-class people spring into action.

Also on this front, you may think about including testimonials from your customers or some video. It could go seriously viral. It could get people tweeting in a big way. You could even offer a real-life before-and-after demonstration. Think about the The Hair Club for Men with its “I’m not only the President, I’m also a client” campaign. Give it to me. I understand video might be tough considering that your product involves private parts. But it’s something to chew on. Or, in this case, it’s more like a soft tab that dissolves in your mouth and works in less than 15 minutes.

If I can service you further, come by. Also, I hope you’ll let your many business counterparts know that I sincerely appreciate their trust in my business acumen and their desire to communicate. If you would, please tell Friggie G. Bizniz that I will respond tomorrow to his inquiry regarding undetectable hidden cameras in Jessica Biel’s room. It’s a genius idea with a lot of market appeal.