Responding to the recent announcement of our plagiarism contest, 54 people assembled stories that were not entirely theirs and sent them in for review. We read them all. Most were creative, some wonderfully so; some were so good we hope their authors will try to sneak them into credible magazines. But it was Bonnie Furlong’s “The Parlourmaid’s Tale, or, MS in a Dustbin” that won us over with its wit, variety and use of citations, and obvious delight with the form.

Our congratulations to Ms. Furlong, and our great thanks to all contributors—someday may each of you find a ridiculously large advance under your pillow.

 

The Parlourmaid’s Tale, or, MS in a Dustbin

by Bonnie Furlong
 

Sorry for the plagiarism, but there seemed no other way.¹

Dear Macmillan:²

What I want is³ a suave and worldly editor⁴ who can puff away dusty speculation to reveal stark, cold, obsidian and alabaster truth.⁵ The story between these covers is the second I have resuscitated from the bottom of a tin trunk that I received anonymously some years ago.⁶ These literally are manuscripts, handwritten on⁷ flyleaves of books, match folders, old letters⁸—rather hastily written and much damaged.⁹ The validity of this very ancient account is almost totally dubious,¹⁰ but it’s absolute dynamite.¹¹ A careful reading, I beg of you, a careful reading in private, careful editing, and then find a typist.¹²

 

* * *

A Portent of Circumlocution¹³
If, in the course of writing my notes, I have made here and there a wrong turn, misunderstood or badly described something I saw or thought I saw, well,¹⁴ I am a little hazy about the chronology.¹⁵ My most vivid memory of that night…¹⁶ But I must not anticipate the orderly development of my narrative.¹⁷

The Inauguration of My Career¹⁸
People were desperate for work.¹⁹ I decided to go to town and look for a job.²⁰ I had seen one advertised in a local paper:²¹ “Young Lady between the Age of Eighteen and Twenty-three, of a middling Stature; brown Hair, regular Features and a Lively Brisk Eye.”²²

“There is something in that,” I soliloquised (mentally, be it understood; I did not talk aloud).²³

The Violent Arrival²⁴
I received an invitation to go to an address at the bitter end of²⁵ a four and one-half dollar taxi ride²⁶ and found myself in²⁷ the fearsome atmosphere of Blackshaw Towers.²⁸ The dark beams were hand-hewn—hand-bitten, one almost felt—from California redwood.²⁹ I, with heavy doomed steps, dragged myself³⁰ along a passage and up some stairs and down some stairs and got to a little room.³¹ A rat-like boy darted out³² and gave a miniature version of a scream, a sort of screamlet.³³

I bravely pushed open the big black door, and³⁴ found a man dressed as Napoleon.³⁵ He was withered, wrinkled, and loathsome of visage,³⁶ and I felt a premonitory chill of eeriness.³⁷ He fixed me with a dubious eye.³⁸ He was happy to make my acquaintance, he said, and what could he do for me?³⁹

I said earnestly⁴⁰ how I could dust, and brush, and clean, and cook.⁴¹

Cigarettes were lit, and we settled down to a cosy discussion.⁴²

When he offered me thirty shillings a week I jumped at it.⁴³

A rude shock was in store for me, however.⁴⁴ Sometimes, even now, I awake in the night screaming as I relive in dreams the misery of that wretched⁴⁵ chapter of my life.⁴⁶

Lust and Loins and Things⁴⁷
I found myself walking as though in my sleep into a dim and airless haunt of gaiety.⁴⁸ A horrid, bald old woman⁴⁹ was in the bath, toying languorously with an ersatz sponge.⁵⁰ Guests lay three to a couch.⁵¹ At one period there were half a dozen sailors⁵² instilling in me, I knew not why, a strange feeling of disquiet, of foreboding.⁵³ I felt uncomfortable, a little shy.⁵⁴

“Oh, please,” I begged, “please be nice.”⁵⁵

Being perfect gentlemen they smiled politely and said,⁵⁶ “We are all in the mood for love.”⁵⁷

An unknown man⁵⁸ knocked me around, finally forcing me into clean pajamas.⁵⁹

I heard myself saying,⁶⁰ “Don’t trifle with me.”⁶¹

He leant towards me, and I was just going to slap his face in the best manner when⁶² a very small, raddled and parchment-faced photographer who called himself Vladimir⁶³ ran his magnificent pink tongue around his lips and up over his moustache and said,⁶⁴ “Quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget.”⁶⁵

I cried, half desperate⁶⁶—[There arises a regrettable lacuna in the diaries at this point.⁶⁷]—the scalding, scorching hole? What were my thoughts and what were his?⁶⁸ Especially when performed in the company of fifty other girls in rather indecent black tights.⁶⁹

* * *

This is a bare outline.⁷⁰ The names have been changed;⁷¹ littera scripta manet.*⁷² I am taking the liberty of sending to you⁷³ advance praise⁷⁴ of the finished work:⁷⁵

“It’s original.”—Mimi Sheraton, The New York Times⁷⁶
“Steady and unafraid.”—The Times⁷⁷
“A fragile yet tense narrative.”—Richard McKee”⁷⁸

*The written word remains.⁷⁹



Works Cited
¹Davies, Robertson. High Spirits: A Collection of Ghost Stories. New York: Penguin Books, 1982. Page 33. ↩
²Nowell-Smith, Simon. Letters to Macmillan. Ed. New York: Macmillan, 1967. Page 40. ↩
³Thurber, James. The Years With Ross. Boston, Toronto: Little, Brown and Company, 1959. Page 5. ↩
⁴Thurber, James. The Years With Ross. Boston, Toronto: Little, Brown and Company, 1959. Page 123. ↩
⁵Phillips, Arthur. The Egyptologist. New York: Random House, 2004. Page 5. ↩
⁶King, Laurie R. A Monstrous Regiment of Women. New York: Bantam Books, 1997. Page: Editor's preface. ↩
⁷King, Laurie R. A Monstrous Regiment of Women. New York: Bantam Books, 1997. Page: Editor's preface. ↩
⁸Rogers, Ann. The New Cookbook for Poor Poets and Others. New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1979. Page 7. ↩
⁹Tolkien, J.R.R. The Fellowship of the Ring. New York: Ballantine Books, 1965. Page 418. ↩
¹⁰McKee, Richard. The Clan of the Flapdragon and Other Adventures in Etymology by B.M.W. Schrapnel, Ph.D. Tuscaloosa and London: The University of Alabama Press, 1997. Page 14. ↩
¹¹Nowell-Smith, Simon. Letters to Macmillan. Ed. New York: Macmillan, 1967. Page 349. ↩
¹²Phillips, Arthur. The Egyptologist. New York: Random House, 2004. Page 6. ↩
¹³Lucas, F.L. Style. New York: Collier Books, 1962. Page 97. ↩
¹⁴Phillips, Arthur. The Egyptologist. New York: Random House, 2004. Page 5. ↩
¹⁵Ames, Delano. Corpse Diplomatique. New York: Perennial Library, 1983. Page 31. ↩
¹⁶Ames, Delano. Corpse Diplomatique. New York: Perennial Library, 1983. Page 17. ↩
¹⁷Caudwell, Sarah. Thus Was Adonis Murdered. New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1981. Page 31. ↩
¹⁸Gibbons, Stella. Cold Comfort Farm: The Comic Classic of Rural Life. Great Britain: Penguin Books, 1982. Page 17. ↩
¹⁹MacDonald, Betty. Anybody Can Do Anything. Pleasantville, New York: The Akadine Press, 1998. Page 229. ↩
²⁰MacDonald, Betty. Anybody Can Do Anything. Pleasantville, New York: The Akadine Press, 1998. Page 255. ↩
²¹Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 8. ↩
²²Fielding, William J. Strange Customs of Courtship and Marriage. New York: The New Home Library, 1944. Page 278. ↩
²³Bronte, Charlotte. Jane Eyre. New York: Nelson Doubleday, Inc. (no date). Page 83. ↩
²⁴Erskine, Rosalind. The Passion-Flower Hotel. New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1963. Page 78. ↩
²⁵Crisp, Quentin. The Naked Civil Servant, How to Become a Virgin, Resident Alien. New York: Quality Paperback Book Club, 2000. Page 570. ↩
²⁶O’Hehir, Diana. I Wish This War Were Over. New York: First Washington Square Press, 1989. Page 49. ↩
²⁷Crisp, Quentin. The Naked Civil Servant, How to Become a Virgin, Resident Alien. New York: Quality Paperback Book Club, 2000. Page 571. ↩
²⁸Coe, Jonathan. The Winshaw Legacy, or What a Carve Up! New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1995. Page 42. ↩
²⁹Jarrell, Randall. Pictures From an Institution: A Comedy. Chicago & London: The University of Chicago Press, 1986. Page 124. ↩
³⁰Davies, Robertson. High Spirits: A Collection of Ghost Stories. New York: Penguin Books, 1982. Page 85. ↩
³¹Erskine, Rosalind. The Passion-Flower Hotel. New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1963. Page 31. ↩
³²Fisher, M.F.K. The Art of Eating. New York: Vintage Books, 1976. Page 64. ↩
³³Willis, Connie. To Say Nothing of the Dog. New York: Bantam Books, 1998. Page 108. ↩
³⁴Crisp, Quentin. The Naked Civil Servant, How to Become a Virgin, Resident Alien. New York: Quality Paperback Book Club, 2000. Page 571. ↩
³⁵Jarrell, Randall. Pictures From an Institution: A Comedy. Chicago & London: The University of Chicago Press, 1986. Page 87. ↩
³⁶Wilde, Oscar. The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings. Toronto, New York: Bantam Books, 1982. Page 193. ↩
³⁷Van Dine, S.S. The Greene Murder Case. Greenwich, Conn.: Fawcett Gold Medal Book, 1956. Page 25. ↩
³⁸King, Laurie R. A Monstrous Regiment of Women. New York: Bantam Books, 1997. Page 10. ↩
³⁹Kimbrough, Emily. Through Charley’s Door. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, 1952. Page 62. ↩
⁴⁰Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 149. ↩
⁴¹Bronte, Charlotte. Jane Eyre. New York: Nelson Doubleday, Inc. (no date). Page 402. ↩
⁴²Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 13. ↩
⁴³Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 139. ↩
⁴⁴Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 143. ↩
⁴⁵Bowman, W. E. The Ascent of Rum Doodle. Great Britain: Pimlico, 2001. Page 99. ↩
⁴⁶Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 213. ↩
⁴⁷Erskine, Rosalind. The Passion-Flower Hotel. New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1963. Page 94. ↩
⁴⁸Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 206. ↩
⁴⁹Erskine, Rosalind. The Passion-Flower Hotel. New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1963. Page 78. ↩
⁵⁰Erskine, Rosalind. The Passion-Flower Hotel. New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1963. Page 97. ↩
⁵¹Martin, Judith. Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. New York: Warner Books, Inc., 1982. Page 710. ↩
⁵²Ames, Delano. Corpse Diplomatique. New York: Perennial Library, 1983. Page 31. ↩
⁵³DuMaurier, Daphne. Rebecca. New York: Avon Books, 1971. Page 72. ↩
⁵⁴DuMaurier, Daphne. Rebecca. New York: Avon Books, 1971. Page 74. ↩
⁵⁵Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 153. ↩
⁵⁶Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 167. ↩
⁵⁷Erskine, Rosalind. The Passion-Flower Hotel. New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1963. Page 20. ↩
⁵⁸Crisp, Quentin. The Naked Civil Servant, How to Become a Virgin, Resident Alien. New York: Quality Paperback Book Club, 2000. Page 566. ↩
⁵⁹MacDonald, Betty. The Plague and I. Philadelphia & New York: J.B. Lippincott Company, 1948. Page 136. ↩
⁶⁰DuMaurier, Daphne. Rebecca. New York: Avon Books, 1971. Page 73. ↩
⁶¹Davies, Robertson. High Spirits: A Collection of Ghost Stories. New York: Penguin Books, 1982. Page 15. ↩
⁶²Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 130. ↩
⁶³Spark, Muriel. A Far Cry From Kensington. New York: Avon Books, 1988. Page 76. ↩
⁶⁴Toole, John Kennedy. A Confederacy of Dunces. New York: Grove Press, Inc., 1981. Page 174. ↩
⁶⁵Poe, Edgar Allan. “The Raven.” ↩
⁶⁶Bronte, Charlotte. Jane Eyre. New York: Nelson Doubleday, Inc. (no date). Page 83. ↩
⁶⁷Coe, Jonathan. The Winshaw Legacy, or What a Carve Up! New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1995. Page 124. ↩
⁶⁸Drayson, Nicholas. Confessing a Murder. New York, London: W. W. Norton & Company, 2002. Page 278. ↩
⁶⁹Dickens, Monica. One Pair of Hands. Chicago: Academy Chicago Publishers, 1988. Page 6. ↩
⁷⁰Nowell-Smith, Simon. Letters to Macmillan. Ed. New York: Macmillan, 1967. Page 224. ↩
⁷¹Martin, Judith. Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. New York: Warner Books, Inc., 1982. Page 386. ↩
⁷²Chappell, Warren. A Short History of the Printed Word. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1970. Pages 242-3. ↩
⁷³Phillips, Arthur. The Egyptologist. New York: Random House, 2004. Page 4. ↩
⁷⁴Haymon, S.T. Opposite the Cross Keys: A Memory of Childhood. New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1988. Page: Dust cover. ↩
⁷⁵Phillips, Arthur. The Egyptologist. New York: Random House, 2004. Page 4. ↩
⁷⁶Rogers, Ann. The New Cookbook for Poor Poets and Others. New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1979. Page: Dust cover. ↩
⁷⁷Bradbury, Malcolm. Who Do You Think You Are? London: Vintage, 1976. Page: Back cover. ↩
⁷⁸McKee, Richard. The Clan of the Flapdragon and Other Adventures in Etymology by B.M.W. Schrapnel, Ph.D. Tuscaloosa and London: The University of Alabama Press, 1997. Page xiii. ↩
⁷⁹Chappell, Warren. A Short History of the Printed Word. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1970. Page 243. ↩