Dark Waters
Some of the world’s largest, oldest fish live in Oregon. Why anyone would want to vandalize them, even abduct them, takes explaining.
Stories
A collection of 170 issues
Hunting the Hound
A lifelong phobia is the result of a terrifying childhood incident. But the real culprit may be Arthur Conan Doyle.
The Riflemaker Dreams of Africa
The American West is a myth. One Wyoming gunmaker looks anywhere else—abroad, in the past, in himself—for new wilderness.
Tsujita LA Artisan Noodle
Sometimes a bowl of noodles is big enough to absorb conversation, literature, and the love lives of those nearby.
The Limousine
Prom is a big night for many teenagers, full of firsts. First corsage. First big dance. Never mind first time in a limo—with disastrous results.
The Great Gtzzby
The Jazz Age blasts into orbit, adding oxygen parties and mighty pincers to the rise-and-fall decadence of the intergalactic one percent.
Lean Into a Croissant Doughnut
Brief updates to news stories that have slipped off the front page. This week: schoolgirls in Nigeria, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, Josh Hartnett's career, and more.
Essaying Through Life
A youthful pledge to become an essayist gets lost.
Chrissy Smoked
Twice a year, a group of friends gathered in a coal-mining pocket of Pennsylvania—friends in their twenties with fragile identities, who didn’t know yet what would happen.
A Man Enough
Eventually a man who’s always in motion, always fixing something, will stop. Decline of the patriarch reveals an entire family’s vulnerability.
Our Hallow’s Eve
When dementia gets its grip on a father who always loved slasher movies, a daughter struggles to hold on—if only to the ghost of recognition.
Cicadian Rhythms
Should the cicadas arrive just in time for your wedding—biblical, unexpected, and yet, routine as clockwork—there’s nothing to do but carry on with the ceremony. Come hell or, in fact, high water.
Odd People Here
The United States is a huge country, much too big for the nightly news. Our series continues where one of our editors randomly calls people in small towns around America to find out what’s really going on.
Tony Horwitz
Our man in Boston sits down for a frank accounting with Tony Horwitz, author of beloved works like Confederates in the Attic: Dispatches From the Unfinished Civil War. Here they chat about his new book on John Brown—still a divisive figure in America, particularly in these days of terrorism—and the
Joan Wickersham
Our man in Boston sits down for an extended chat with author Joan Wickersham about her new story collection, lurking near architects, the wisdom of good editors, how to profit from artist colonies, and the benefits of avoiding the MFA trap.
Announcing the 2013 Tournament of Books
The ides of March may be four months away, but a certain rooster is sick of waiting. Introducing the finalists and judges for TMN's ninth annual Tournament of Books, presented by NOOK® by Barnes & Noble.
Irina Bogatyreva
The latest salvo from our Reading Roulette series of contemporary Russian literature—stories you'll rarely find elsewhere in translation, unfortunately. This month we bring you a contender for the Debut Prize, Russia’s preeminent award for young writers.
Olga Slavnikova
We’ve emptied half the cylinder in our Reading Roulette series of contemporary Russian literature—stories you won’t find anywhere else in translation, unfortunately. This month we usher to the table a 2013 Russian Booker Prize contender for a shot at blowing your mind.
Igor Sakhnovsky
We continue our series of publishing contemporary Russian literature in translation—stories you won't find anywhere else, unfortunately—with a novelist who turns Mr. and Mrs. Nabokov into objects of captivation. Don't miss out on your chance to win a gift card from Powells.com.
Jess Walter
Our man in Boston sits down with the author of The Financial Lives of the Poets to talk about his latest novel, how to survive in Hollywood, the ins and outs of contemporary publishing, and that unheralded Paris of the Northwest, Spokane.
Anna Starobinets
Today we're launching a new series of contemporary Russian literature, with six stories in six months, including interviews with their authors, sponsored by Powells.com. Will one of them blow your mind? We begin with the "Queen of Russian Horror."
Oscar Hijuelos
Our man in Boston talks to the Pulitzer-winning novelist about his new memoir, Thoughts Without Cigarettes, as well as nights in New York, parks in Berlin, how publishing currently compares to Indian restaurants, what life would be like if Mambo Kings hadn't hit it big, and the difficulties of writ
Ben Katchor
Our man in Boston talks to author and artist Ben Katchor about the history of picture-stories—from the days when literature included drawings to our current world of (sadly) more purified genres.
The Monkey's Paw
A foreign talisman holds great power, but those who use it do so at their peril. In the grand TMN tradition of celebrating Halloween, our editors and writers create new endings to a well-known scary story.
Aleph-Mem-Tet
Having fulfilled his duty once again and with the most imminent dangers receding into the distance, it’s time to depart. The Golem posts his final entry.
The Two Shmuels
The day-to-day returns, but the sense of danger is still palpable to the Golem and Ruth. Reluctantly, he returns to his blog, this time with a prompt.
True Story
A pause in the action, as the Golem recounts important moments in the brothels and strip clubs from his past, both recent and not-so-recent.
Torpedo
On the run from the kidnappers, the Golem remembers the child he first met when he too was new.
What Mad Pursuit
After his odd job draws to a close, the Golem, still on protection duty, realizes a new task lies ahead.
On Surrender
The day after being roped into his latest protection duties, The Golem faces new threats—and a history of unstoppable devotion.
On Protection
“From the day Samuel Halevi pointed at the little boy lecturing to a passel of scholars and said, ‘He carries a bright flame. No one must put it out,’ I was a protector.” The Golem falls into an old role.
Bad Trips
We asked our staff and readers to rewrite the end of Lost. Spoiler alert! But not really, when you consider you'd have to flash-sideways to experience the alternative realities ahead.
I’m Your Man
Ruth catches up on the blog, and a reader entreats The Golem to explain the intricacies of his relationship.
Travel Tips We Learned the Hard Way
As we carve out weekends for summer vacations and welcome loved ones home from across the volcanic ash-strewn pond, our staff and readers share their hard-earned trip advice.
Here Lies the Elephant Bird
Running across a story about a shrimp-like creature that survived where few thought anything could live, the Golem recalls the time he hunted the Aepyornis.
No Blog Is an Island
After a friend comments on the antisocial nature of this blog, The Golem ruminates on the true purpose of blogging, and whether “first” is more meaningful than previously thought.
Serving Someone
Even a being formed out of clay a thousand years ago has to make a living in today’s world. The Golem returns, and reveals an array of especially odd jobs.
Moving Ground
When there are heavy tolls on human life, there are questions of faith. Some turn to it; others blame it. The Golem has seen this happen before.
Marked Man
The tricky part about blogging is knowing where to draw the line about what’s revealed. After his last post raised some eyebrows, the Golem addresses the whole eating thing.
New Year's Realizations
Before tackling our shortcomings in January, we thought it would be good to celebrate the year in personal bests. Our staff and readers share their proudest moments.
I Meme Mine
One post in, and it’s time to assess what went right and what went wrong; or it would be, if a questionnaire didn’t take precedence. The Golem gets tagged by the internet.
When the Lights Went Out
At 4:15 p.m. on Aug. 14, 2003, tens of millions of people across the Northeast and Midwest U.S. and Ontario were suddenly without power. Our staff and readers tell us what happened next.
Things We're Denying Ourselves
A recession looms at the door--before it arrives, we have an opportunity to improve our minds, bodies, and wallets. Though we may soon be denying ourselves more than pleasures, this is what we're omitting right now.
How Everything Turned Out
When refugees from another planet make contact and ask for help, Earth's web geeks should help them, right? A tale of Non-Earthers, online social networks, and memorable sunsets.
Home: An NPR Radio Expedition
Visits home can wear down even the best of us, but when heard in excruciating detail can become absolutely…excruciating. Jessica Francis Kane presents an audio adventure at her parents’ house.
Never Say Neverland Again
A contest was recently held to find someone to write the official “Peter Pan” sequel. Though author Geraldine McCaughrean was chosen from hundreds of candidates, here are openings from a number of rejected applications.
Greetings From the Mercer Mobile Home Community Zoo
Political battles! Injured children! Mange! You’ve wondered what goes on inside the bureaucracy that is your local mobile-home community’s zoo—now we let you in.
Orientalism: Yes or No?
It’s one thing to be a Westerner with a healthy respect and admiration for Eastern cultures; it’s another to make your son wear a hijab to soccer practice in order to intimidate opponents. Pasha Malla helps us sort through a few case studies in Orientalism.
Pledge of Allegiance
It’s pledge drive season again! And this time everybody’s getting in on the action. Matthew Baldwin sneaks into the studio and watches as those Social Security reforms take on an entirely different medium.
How Many Names Hath God?
No matter when we say the word God, whether in church or in vain, couldn’t we all use a couple synonyms for the all-mighty one? MICHAEL ROTTMAN examines the many possibilities, e.g., Abraham, or Clapton.
Trials and Tribulations
How do you tell a judicial buff that the real-life courtroom is more Night Court than Perry Mason? Send him to jury duty twice in two years, that’s how. Matthew Baldwin gets his civic duty on.
Diaries of Andy Warhol, Terrorism Czar
The White House has found trouble in recent weeks with its security appointments, so the president boldly takes a new approach. Our writer reports on Andy Warhol's installation as the ultimate (and silvery) homeland defense.
The Six Wives of Henry LaGrange
Henry LaGrange has a very big problem. And when he isn’t struggling with his dissertation, bribing his thesis advisor, or marrying multiple women, his problem only gets bigger and bigger. Fiction by Tobias Seamon.
Testimonial From a Moderately Satisfied Customer of Singles Canoes
Dating is impossible: Your friends have only so many friends to set you up with, co-workers are off-limits, and online services are icky and cold. Luckily singles can now turn to Singles Canoes, a new service we hadn’t heard of.
The Plotlines Against America
Philip Roth’s bestselling new novel, The Plot Against America, depicts a U.S. that elects Charles Lindbergh over F.D.R. in the 1940 presidential election. Lindbergh’s documented anti-Semitic stance is put into action, and the book goes great distances to retain believability. How? As always—with top
A Few Bad Apples
Following the public outrage and scandal, after the hospitalizations and quarantines, the Unified Fruit Crop Corporation offers a helpful list of questions and answers to address your many concerns about the problem with its fruit.
The Silence of the Muse
After a lifetime of rejection slips, publishing can be a trying, if not life-threatening, business. A history of correspondence between a desperate poet and his unfortunate editor.
Give Me a Sign
Political conventions exist for the cameras, and the cameras like to see audiences with a sea of signs. But where do all those banners come from?
So You’ve Been Taken Prisoner by a Billionaire Colombian Drug Lord
“We’re going to get you out of this alive and make Mendoza pay. But you’ve got to follow my directions to the letter—because Mendoza’s got Jenny, your wife.” A field guide by Delta Force Col. Tom Smits.
Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials
You’ve heard the spots, where the helpful voice of the OnStar satellite representative rushes to the aid of the panicked motorist. But have you heard them all? JOHN WARNER digs through the transcripts that didn’t make the final cut.
Rick James Meets Fay Wray in Heaven (A Very Short Play)
America lost two great artists this week, musician Rick James and actress Fay Wray. Let’s sit in on their introduction at the pearly gates.
Since She Died
When a friend dies, your memories can absorb your every waking moment. And also your dreams. SARAH HEPOLA lives through the pain, the joy of remembrance, and the responsibility of both. Here is her story of love and loss.
Natural Selection
With no prospects for a girlfriend and his level of physical fitness plummeting, Matt Evans reads Darwin in hope of personal evolution, and then embarks upon a journey of cardiovascular and self-improvement. With unexpected results.
If on a summer's vacation...
Now past the halfway-mark for summer, we’ve all either taken our summer vacations or we’re still planning where to go. For those of us who fall into the latter camp, beware your choices. THE WRITERS remember ways summer vacations have gone so horribly wrong.
Weddingchanneled
Planning a wedding is a detailed job: narrowing down the wedding party, choosing flowers, and deciding between the white food processor and the chrome one. Our writer discovers the business of wedding registries, and learns how to make it work for her.
My Sister Moses
Family BBQs can be great summer fun, until someone finds a dead body under the back porch. Then it’s time to bust out the cedar chips. A story of lawn maintenance, abusive parenting, and hot Marines.
The Last Queen Fan in America
The names Freddie, Roger, Brian, and John may not mean much to many ’80s music fans, but to one writer they were the best of the decade: Queen, ever the champions.
Sentences of Discontent
Someone has to write the next Da Vinci Code, why shouldn’t it be you? To kick-start the writing process, Tobias Seamon brings us a batch of great first lines guaranteed to get your blockbuster off to a best-selling start.
The LiveJournal of Zachary Marsh
An awfully different young man graduates from high school and quickly learns more than he bargained about snack foods, ducks, and a secret family history.
What's the Frequency, Musad?
When ruling parties win with 99.8 percent of the vote, Middle East-style elections can be confusing for Westerners.
Waiting for George
Zipping to Monte Carlo, dropping by diamond shows on yachts, gazing at the languid models: All in a day’s work during Grand Prix weekend. But please, asks Preston Johns, where are the real celebrities?
Ego Trip
There are many adventures to be found off the beaten path, and some may involve minstrels. Former Peace Corps volunteer and sometime hero Matthew Baldwin recalls a day-long hike in Bolivia.
A Course Guide to Literary Readings
These days, literary readings aren’t as boring as they should be. But what for the budding author or poet, still in school, who doesn’t know how to smash a guitar or bake a cobbler onstage?
A Love Affair With Maps
Maps represent our locations, they can serve as a reminder of where we’ve been, and they sometimes show us the best route to the mall. Our writer charts a personal history across the changing lines of his home state.
Australia’s Mightiest Heroes
Wherever there is trouble, from marketing to marsupials, they will protect. Super-genius and superhero Dick Smith hatches a new era of costumes and secret identities.
My Brush with Terrorism
Being paged at the airport can sometimes be a lucky break, until it’s a federal investigation. A bag search, substance analysis, and interrogation later, you can forget being upgraded to first class.
Donald Rumsfeld Is Wrong
Predicting the future is a touchy business, especially if you’re banking on the outcome. Our writer reports on a personal history of predictions gone right, wrong, and somewhere in between.
Coming This November
The presidential race is heating up. And at this point, it's anybody's game. So, who will be ready to take the oath, and who will be sent home in disgrace? Here's preview of what we can expect this fall.
That's All I’m Going to Say for Now
An ill-planned duck hunting trip sours under the media scrutiny. Justice Scalia makes a firm statement, and our writer tails him through a day of saying not much else.
I Was a 10-Year-Old Political Consultant
Leading a political campaign can be a thankless job, as ex-Dean-campaign manager Joe Trippi well knows. But what if your candidate isn’t a Democrat from Vermont, but a woodland creature? Our writer recalls his electioneering days.
Bright Nights, Big Mountains
The Sundance Film Festival may have a hard time maintaining its indie credibility, but as a magnet for celebrities there is little doubt about its powers. After a few days of film in Park City,our writer looks back.
Happy Endings
With today’s final taping of Friends, fans across the country wonder what’s in store for TV’s six pals. Will Rachel and Ross finally find romance? Will Joey’s career take off? Our writer is ready with spoilers for the final episode in May.
The Way of Nigella
What Jamie Oliver does for young ladies with his pestle, Nigella Lawson does for men who love a summer’s plump tomatoes. But, as Pitchaya Sudbanthad explains, what Lawson does with monkeys is a whole different story.
Progress Reports: Fourth Quarter 2003
The Institute of Improbable Research has the means to make the impossible happen. From losing a loser’s viriginity to building the best coach in the world, JOHN WARNER has their year-end results.
Free Red Wine and Other Humiliations
Your parents and friends enjoy Christmas for similar reasons: your personal embarrassment, shame, and discomfort, assuming you’ve behaved badly enough to warrant their bowls full of jelly.
Rules for the Holidays
Surviving relatives, co-workers, and lovers drugged by cheer is easier when there are guidelines for action. THE EDITORS share some tips to help keep your step-dad’s paws off your Christmas sweater.
Life in the Fishbowl
It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an American to teach him how to armpit-fart. Former Peace Corps Volunteer and temporary Bolivian celebrity Matthew Baldwin remembers his days in-country.
Welcome Back From Baghdad, Mr. President
After taking off on a top-secret Thanksgiving Day jaunt to Baghdad, President Bush appears to be on a mission to be the Badass-in-Chief. Or are there other motives at work? Our writer chases the paper trail.
Thriller
The allegations have set a fire in the media and a guilty verdict in the public’s mind. But the reason anyone cares at all in the first place is the music. Writer and once-Michael SARAH HEPOLA recalls what his landmark album means to her.
The Headhunter’s Trophy Case
The headhunter is up for tenure, and is more than ready to settle a few misconceptions with a stroll through his most prized pieces. A story by Tobias Seamon, with art by Joshua Allen.
The Matrwich
The Bush administration’s decisions and policies have often confounded even its closest allies—are they living in a different world than the rest of us? MATTHEW BALDWIN suspects a trip down a certain rabbit hole may turn up some answers.
Sunlit Pictures: A War Album
Conflict is an unchanging part of our society, and only seems in remission when it’s not at our own doorstep. Tobias Seamon offers a collection of vignettes about war and its constant presence in our lives.
The Man Who Was Hook
Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story.
The Bellow/Parcells Letters
Forget worrying over book contracts, alcoholism, or unwanted kids—where do Nobel laureate authors turn for advice on their hair? Discovering the lost correspondence between two great authors.
Fuego! Fuego!
The Peace Corps has ambitious goals for its programs and participants, though setting a pueblo on fire isn’t one of them. Former Corps member Matthew Baldwin recounts the early days in San Pedro, Bolivia, before his infamy.
Certifiable
Sure, teaching isn’t for everyone. Finding that out may be difficult, but the awful truth that drives many out of the classroom, screaming, is even harder to lern learn. Our writer was a teacher.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair In Hell: The Mad Minister From Circle Six, Part I
In the fourth chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a controversial film has Hell up in arms! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth.
TiVo'd
Technology can be a scary thing, in the wrong hands. Luckily, there's help. A visit with an analyst about a personal video problem.
The Lonely Days
Many people have their own holidays—grandparents, secretaries, certain dead presidents—but what about the ordinary man, lost in this modern world? A global brochure of holidays for men who are alone.
Neocons, Midwives, and Me
After Ozzfest and Gigli, Howard Dean was the show to see this summer. Ace reporter Matthew ‘Punch’ Baldwin attended a rally with two friends who, for very different reasons, want Dean to win the primary.
Makeover Madness!
Never fear: Television can change your life when there’s a makeover show specially designed to do just that. ANDREW WOMACK follows two guests and learns.
Second Careers
When it’s time to change careers or face hardship in the workplace, many Americans ask, what would Jesus do? According to John Warner, most hockey players would prefer not to know.
What I Did on My Summer Vacation
Not stuck in the back of a station wagon, but stuck in a doldrums with cheap hot dogs, hidden popsicles, and a soulmate lost. Kevin Fanning brings the words, Reuben Stanton brings the pictures.
Stuck in Craw City
Baseball’s history is thick with stories of bad luck, but no one’s unluckier than Louisiana’s minor-league Gizzards. Tobias Seamon writes in with a bit of baseball fiction.
The Indignant Correspondence of Folksy Ken Oakley
Liz Phair is not the first artist to fight bad reviews with worse allegories—folk artist Ken Oakley invented the genre. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the only musician to have 184 albums panned in Rolling Stone.
Night-Blooming
Somewhere in Connecticut, two brothers speed down a darkened nighttime highway on a personal mission. A story by Kevin Fanning.
The Columbia Letters
In 2001, the book My First Presidentiary came out, authored by KEVIN GUILFOILE and John Warner, and quickly became a best seller. A college student contacted the authors with a simple question. They responded with glee.
The Fudgy-Wudgy Guy
Epistemology may seem pleasantly bewildering, but wait until it begins to mess with your childhood memories.
What They Weren’t Worth
The Guidry and Lunton families bear children, live their lives, and die in a world bubbling over with misunderstood words and cliché.
The Miracle of Dust
Marjorie had a perfectly functional, model family in the suburbs, until the Blessed Face of Holy Mother Mary appeared on her television. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney.
Bear Attack in Western Montana
Childhood education can come from paths less traveled, when a Boy Scout trip takes an unforeseen direction.
Gone Missing
With so many people gone missing these days, what do you do when your loved one’s gone too? Hire a private detective, that’s what you do! Our writer is hot on a trail of stunning clues.
How to Survive a Deathbed
It’s not SARS, and you’re sure it’s something worse. Even though they say it’s just a cold, you’ve already resigned yourself to death’s icy grip. Ways to make the wait a little more worthwhile.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair in Hell: The Secret of the Burning Canvas
In the third chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, the lost plays of Sophocles are discovered in an art fair, possibly to be lost again! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth.
Rising Bodies
Spring has arrived, and on its tails we spot daisies, rain showers, and dead bodies floating to the surface. That is, if you’re a rather unlucky girl with an eye for corpses. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney.
A Good Day To Be Alive
A conversation about life as a wino, the effects of war, heroin, Shiner, marriage and pornography, horseplay and jail, and the amount of muscles it takes to frown, between William and Sarah Hepola.
The New-Old Albany
Every great city is filled with a thousand untold stories. Albany, New York, however, has none. In a bout of civic service, Tobias Seamon decides to concoct a few.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
There's a lot of land in the U.S., and it's covered with roads. Our writer takes a cross-country tour with one hand on the wheel and the other on the camera.
Schrödinger's Iraq
Philosophy, Iraq, mice? President Bush made some very strange comments in a press conference.
Post-Traumatic Postcards
Apologizing for the mistakes you’ve made isn't easy, unless you limit yourself to a paragraph. LESLIE HARPOLD keeps the sorries short and sweet, even when the regrets are long-lasting.
Life Lessons in Literature
Where were you when the family car broke down, when you first heard about oral sex, when you chose a political party? More importantly, what were you reading? Margaret Berry shares the books that made the woman.
Why Won't You Leave Me Alone?
Some people hear voices inside their head, others simply hear voices, and it tortures them to death. A sufferer begs you to leave him alone, you and your constant demands.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair in Hell: The Mystery of the Antenoran Chant
In the second chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a mystery is uncovered on the way to Walt Whitman’s Super Bowl party. KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth.
The Summing Up
We may spend more time with our co-workers than our families, but that doesn’t mean we have to like them. Our D.C. correspondent Clay Risen starts a new job and barely gets past the front desk.
This Old Human
No country cabin is complete without a proper old man. Tobias Seamon reports from the set of “This Old Human” and gives us the scoop on how to craft the perfect curmudgeon.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair in Hell
Hell is full of mystery and chain hardware stores. Who would’ve known? Kevin Guilfoile, that’s who, as he follows Madalyn, amateur detective, in the first chapter of her adventures in the underworld.
Happy New Year From Sam Nougat
The bringing of a new year suggests reconciliation, a time for us to forgive our relatives any faults from last year. Or, ask them to forgive us.
A Game of Skill, Strategy, Chance
Since dating is already a game, it may be unwise to found a relationship on a shared passion for Sorry. Our writer ignores the meta-implications and tries to play by the rules.
After the 12 Days of Christmas
Yearly these 12 days of Christmas bring us many gifts: partridges, pear trees, and many maids equipped with pails. Our writer recounts the bevy of presents, and responds.
Sexual Mechanics
Librarians are asked all types of questions, but few must be experts on the clap. Jessa Crispin reports from a sex library, where pustules and excitable virgins are just another part of the job.
Mix Tape for Dead Girl
Writing a eulogy once involved hours of revising and a good thesaurus.
Obsessions: Looking It Up
Continuing our series on personal obsessions, Paul Ford tells us about his passion for reference works, the more obscure the subject matter the better.
Transcending Spaces
A television show rolls into town, interior designers and carpenter in tow. Two sets of neighbors trade houses in a decorating scheme to surprise each other. Sound familiar? Well, it did. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports.
Customer Serviced
The holidays are approaching, and mail-order is king. Gifts, however, are no good unless there’s someone to take your order. Our writer reports from a call center at one of America’s largest retailers.
11 Stories About Cross-Dressing
J. Edgar Hoover made cross-dressing big in the States, and now everybody's doing it. Eleven stories on the ordinary lives of people in different clothing.
Friends' Bands I Have Known
For two years, you thought your college roommate's band was going to hit the big time. Then you were sober again.
Scary Stories
In celebration of Halloween, we've asked all the Contributing Writers to share a scary story. Here then, seven ways to get freaked out.
Where Are You Now?
Possible humiliation, almost-certain ridicule, and excused overindulgence: Never one to flee from a challenge, our writer goes to her high-school reunion.
Bienvenue au Musée Renteria
Like many modern painters, the extremely famous Renteria had issues with women. Our writer shares a guide he picked up at Renteria’s museum.
Windows to Byzantium
There are not many stories that combine the Yankees, Babies Hospital, gardens, Yeats, Hello Kitty, and death. Tobias Seamon has one, and names the names.
Kayley’s Super Power
Kayley has a super power. The thing is, she's not exactly sure what it is, and she doesn't even know how to use it. A story by Kevin Fanning, illustrated by Sam Brown.
This…Is SNN!
Welcome to a special broadcast of SNN, the Simplified News Network, where you get the news after you already understood it. Understand? Matthew Baldwin reports from the set.
Where Are They Now?
Remember Jack and Diane? Well, they're not doing so hot these days. Tracking down the stars of yesterday's songs to get the update.
Monkee Wives
Record companies build bands on trends, hoping their musicians will rise to the top of the newest! hottest! sound. Not every band, though, can have an exclamation mark. THE EDITORS inspect the rejects.
A Few of a Million Postcards
You're traveling and your laptop's at home; how the hell do you share how much fun you're having? Our writer lays out a few simple postcard templates for the rest of us to follow.
I Remember Patty
Good friends bring out the best in us. Bad friends bring out the instincts that can lead to years in prison. Our writer remembers the girl she almost stabbed.
Glimpses of a Redneck Childhood
Boredom, adventure, and mischief. Our writer remembers a past knee-deep in cockroaches, waist-high in foiled plans, and up to its neck in it and more.
Life of Crime
Americans love a criminal, with style. Just look at the press’s recent fawning over dead mob-boss John Gotti. Unfortunately, Sarah Brown’s life of crime has been completely lame.
The Arthur Andersen Trial: Not as Boring as It Seems
We know about the shredded documents, the shadow holding companies, the financial improprieties—but that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
Spam Poet
Do you see that detritus in your inbox as fodder for verse? No? Then meet the Spam Poet, who takes everyday junk mail and turns stink into stanza. KEVIN GUILFOILE waxes poetically.
Chagrin and Men I Have Loved
Shark attacks, public gaffes, ruining a prom dress: as topics for nightmares, any may cause a bad night’s sleep. But only our writer has survived them all in full daylight, with the help of a few good men.
10 Ways My Dog Is Capable of Advanced Logic
Everyone has a friend or relative that's smarter, more witty, or in Mensa. Few can claim that for their dog.
Doolittle
Rarely should you regret albums you loved in high school. Luckily, you had the good sense to love the Pixies, even if they were the devil’s music.
Dude, You’re Getting a Dell and Other Success Stories
It is a truth universally acknowledged that an actor not in possession of a private fortune must be in want of a commercial. Lessons learned on how to win the audition.
Read the Fucking Manual
An anthology of new work from seventeen writers with websites, including many writers published here and in better places. Available for free as a downloadable PDF—it’s the book to be seen with this season.
Casual Fan Fiction
A story based on characters in the popular NBC drama The West Wing written by a guy who usually runs the vacuum between Ed and Law & Order.
Songs From the Big Chair
Music can inspire nostalgia, assigning memories to songs we relish, or would prefer to forget. Elephant-minded JOSHUA ALLEN remembers each track from Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears and sifts the music for a little personal history.
The Mediator on Gay Marriage
Before arguments come to a head, they should come to The Mediator. Here The Mediator solves an issue rife with debate: gay marriage. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the new ground rules.
Ladies Night Transcript
Every Wednesday, a group of San Francisco women meet to chat over a few glasses of wine. Our correspondent is among them. This week they discuss the mechanics of sticking it to the man.
Plants I Have Killed
Not all destruction is intentional. TMN editor ANDREW WOMACK has laid waste to some of this planet’s finest vegetation. Don’t let him visit the rainforest.
Since Your Father Tried to Kill You
You were disappointed when your father tried to kill you. All these years, you thought you had a good relationship, a Bob Saget-Candance Cameron bond. Then, disaster struck. Kevin Fanning sifts through the after-effects and offers consolation.
Meet the Nielsens
They’re like any other demographically-correct American family, except that everyone’s watching them. Dennis Mahoney visits with the Nielsens to chat about The Company, TV statistics, and what, exactly, doesn’t make them so darn different.
Pascal's Wagering
Even great philosophers must eat, go to the bathroom, iron their shirts, get dumped. Like all of us, some live great lives, most suffer. But none can avoid the troubles of being human.
Inside Looking Out
A new graduate knows everything. What could the real world teach that hasn't already been learned in those four long, grueling years? Out of college, ANDREW WOMACK goes to Dallas, tries not to get a job, gets one anyway, and learns something new. And then quits his job.
The Ins and Outs of My Gated Community
Being city-dwellers ourselves, we’ve always wondered what it’s like to live in a private community, separated from the world by cameras and fences. Dennis Mahoney happens to live behind such fences, and gives us the insider’s take on modern elite living.
President Bush Merges Agencies
Shadow governments, merging powers, churches and children: It's no secret that power breeds concealment. Yet behind the veils of rhetoric, simple men and women are simply doing business, PowerPoint and all.
Catalogue of Bicycle Rides
Every kid wants a bike. We remember our first and anticipate the next. For those that never learned how to ride, may their God be merciful and blind. Our writer has ridden many bikes and still keeps one in Brooklyn. A history of cycling in one man’s life.
The Ten Days of Christmas
I’m fingering bath balls like Captain Queeg. Mom’d prefer the, the what, the Serenity, maybe? Or the Sandalwood Rejuvenation? Or better yet just go for the pre-wrapped basket with the goat’s milk soap and lavender sachet? Joshua Allen decks the halls.
Easy Like Drinking Water
Wallace was clean and freshly showered. He adjusted the speed on the cruise control to an even sixty and stared out the window at the rows of cattails growing on the side of the turnpike. Through their tawny, rowed communities he could see New York approach from the east, a
Beyond Black Dogs and Mice
A survey of creatures which foreshadow depression, and their literary origins. Our writer gives the lowdown on the beasts that portend misery.