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The Hyperbole Towers

By Ben Mathis-Lilley in New York, New York —

New York is constantly building chic apartments for its wealthiest citizens, and what luxury highrise is complete without a fatuous selling pamphlet?

Possibly the only things in New York being produced as quickly as luxury developments are the gratuitous adjectives used to describe them. And though one might imagine that selling spacious properties in central locations to wealthy customers is not a process that requires much exaggeration, promotional modifier abuse persists nonetheless. The more essentially interchangeable, high-end apartments get put on the market, the more strenuously sales materials insist that a given version of the filling-large-spaces-with-nice-things concept is unique and groundbreaking. (Various recent developments have self-described their brand of luxury as “redefined,”[1] “reinvented,”[2] “unprecedented,”[3] and, in a formulation that may not be topped, “never realized in modern times.”[4])

Below, a look at the Hyperbole Towers, a development composed of the best overstatements, redundancies, non-sequiturs, and fetishizations of obscure Mediterranean kitchen materials that today’s real estate flacks have to offer.

(Bolded words are 100-percent real quotes from actual development sales materials—ed.)

Located on a pivotal site[5], the development is experienced as a surprise—the nature of the space as a destination gives it a heightened sense of arrival[6]. Its tower[7]—which introduces another dimension by engaging the urban fabric in its horizontality as much as it does vertically—will remain an **experiential event **by maintaining a perpetual dialogue with the ever-evolving neighborhood, a place where residents can explore and connect with vital creative experiences[8]. It is a Sculpture for Living[9] in the time-honored tradition of infinite grandeur[10], reaching uncompromising[11] levels of luxury never realized in modern times[12], or at least not since slavery was outlawed[13].

The lobby, sculpted from rich-toned woods[14] and textural stones[15], leads to a museum-sized[16] elevator that rises to a classically proportioned[17] foyer and residential unit that emanates utter sophistication…as much a sanctuary as it is a home[18]. The living room is its own light-filled universe, well removed from the foyer and its comings and goings[19]. Welcome to living room impact [sic][20]! The space is replete with the warmth of textured concrete and the understated elegance of a zinc light sculpture[21]. Shaming our competitors’ wide-plank[22] and select-grade white oak[23] flooring, we deploy only quarter-sawn, hand laid white oak in an intricate herringbone pattern[24] throughout cool, crisp hallways[25]. The hallways lead to a glorious library[26] and a bathroom that is an oasis of indulgence[27], a source of daily renewal and restoration[28], a harmonious environment to luxuriate in solitude[29], a boundless utopian wonder-savannah of release and enlightenment. Welcome to bath beautiful[sic][30]!

Speaking of which, welcome to kitchen joy[sic][31]! All kitchen units come outfitted with ebonized oak Rifra cabinetry[32], Pietra Cordoza countertops[33], Crema Marfil insert floors[34], Tortora glass backsplashes[35], Thassos marble[36], Travertine marble[37], Calcatta marble[38], and Carrara marble[39].

Overall, this development is marked by suffused opulence of unsurpassed style, where sensual lines, smart color palette [sic] and bespoke finishes create an emotional ambiance that leaves a lasting impression[40].

Did we forget to mention custom nickel sconces[41]? Whoops.

Welcome to custom nickel sconces!

  1. The Fillmore ↩︎

  2. 528 East 80th St. ↩︎

  3. One Carnegie Hill ↩︎

  4. 50 Gramercy Park ↩︎

  5. One Beacon Court ↩︎

  6. One Beacon Court ↩︎

  7. Harlem Park is the source of everything up to “ever-evolving neighborhood” ↩︎

  8. Time Warner Center ↩︎

  9. 445 Lafayette St. ↩︎

  10. 528 East 80th St. ↩︎

  11. The Capri ↩︎

  12. 50 Gramercy Park ↩︎

  13. Kidding. Not a real quote. ↩︎

  14. 505 Court Street Lofts ↩︎

  15. 505 Court Street Lofts ↩︎

  16. 145 Hudson. According to a search of Google and news databases, the 145 Hudson promotional materials contain the first and only mention of a “museum-sized” elevator in human history. ↩︎

  17. 47 East 91st St. ↩︎

  18. 823 Park Ave. ↩︎

  19. 160 Wooster St. ↩︎

  20. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎

  21. 255 Hudson. The idea that concrete and zinc will exude “warmth” and “elegance” suggests that 255 Hudson’s developers actually are redefining luxury—downward. ↩︎

  22. High Line 519 ↩︎

  23. 160 Wooster St. ↩︎

  24. 47 East 91st St. ↩︎

  25. 71 Nassau St. ↩︎

  26. 823 Park Ave. ↩︎

  27. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎

  28. 505 Court Street Lofts ↩︎

  29. 160 Wooster St. ↩︎

  30. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎

  31. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎

  32. 50 Pine St. ↩︎

  33. 176 Mulberry St. ↩︎

  34. 528 East 80th St. ↩︎

  35. High Line 519 ↩︎

  36. 528 East 80th St. ↩︎

  37. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎

  38. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎

  39. 176 Mulberry St. ↩︎

  40. High Line 519 ↩︎

  41. 260 Park Ave. ↩︎