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The Morning News and Powells Present
2006 Tournament of Books
MARCH 22, 2006
First of all, let me say that “rereaders” such as Kate are killing the book publishing industry. People who reread novels are buying only half as many books as their monoreading counterparts. At a time when the overall consumption of literary fiction is bottoming out like Paul Prudhomme’s Mardi Gras float, we simply must have zero tolerance for people who reread books they’ve already digested. Rereading Midnight’s Children, for instance, is no different from breaking into Salman Rushdie’s luxurious Manhattan apartment and stealing a wheel of imported cheese. Teenagers who go see Dodgeball seven times might be saving the movie business, but rereaders are destroying book publishing and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. It’s simple: Read a book. While reading, pay very close attention. Mount the book like a 12-point trophy buck on a shelf in your living room. Go read another book.

Nevertheless, the public finally gets what it’s been clamoring for: Competent and morally accountable political leadership. Ha! I’m kidding. Obviously nobody anywhere in the world gives two short hairs about that. Of course what I’m talking about is the cage match between Brooklynite lovers Nicole Krauss and Jonathan Safran Foer. As frustrating as it must be to lose the Rooster, ladies and gentlemen, think how maddening it would be to have a constant reminder of your bitter defeat doodling about the house in the form of a free-range cock.