What Your Christmas Tree Says About You
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we address the great American class divider: Are your tree lights white or colored, or even (gasp) blinking?
Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
Question: My wife’s family decorates the Christmas tree with colored lights. My family uses white lights. It’s our first Christmas together. Seriously, I’m afraid of one side or the other disowning us if we misstep here. —Anonymous
Answer: When I spoke with my aunt the other day, I told her what I’d used to decorate my Christmas tree this year: cigarettes. No, I told her that we used white lights and silver tinsel, but from the way she erupted you’d think I said “ placentas on silver hooks” or “menorahs.”
“Tinsel?” she shouted.“TINSEL?”
My family does not use colored lights. That’s for people who are warm-blooded. At most a sprig of ivy may grace our Labradors’ collars. In the town where I grew up people decorate the grills of their Jeep Wagoneers with wreaths—better for ramming home the Christmas cheer.
“MY GOD YOU MEAN—”
My aunt calmed down when I explained I meant those silver ropes of tinsel you dangle around the tree, not the silver tinsel “icicles” people drape one by one on the branches. She sighed and started laughing. I hung up the phone. Our family’s stock hadn’t been sullied by cheap decorations available at stores with enormous parking lots; her heart attack could be avoided for a few more years.
Next year I’m braiding a wreath of placentas and wearing it on my face. Until then, a few thoughts on what your Christmas tree says about you, as in:
| IF YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE IS | THEN YOU |
|---|---|
| A metal pole | need to watch less television |
| A menorah | are confused |
| From your neighbor's yard | should refit it to the stump in January |
| A 20-foot Fraser fir | have too much money |
| A four-inch fungus | have too little money |
| Singing | should call the cops |
| A great kisser | shouldn't drink at the next office party |
| The smallest in the lot | are a blockhead |
| One in a million | are in a forest |
| Already tossed | are impatient |
| Homicidal | agree that SNL occasionally gets it right |
| On fire | should run |
| Upside-down | do too much yoga |
| Negging your mel | should wait for the color wheel to switch |
| Held in place by a dead elf | change the carcass once a week—it'll keep the reindeer from hanging around |
| Needle-less | deserve it |
| Pre-decorated | need more spirit |
| The fourth you've bought | need less spirit |
| Stolen | need therapy |
| A couch, upended, with a star on top | will need extra seating |
| Brown | should water it |
| Made of gold | win |
| Fake | should know that everyone can tell, big boobs |
| Pulsing | should check the calendar—yep, it's April |
| Surrounded by fake presents | work at Crate & Barrel |