Dennis Mahoney

Dennis Mahoney lives in upstate New York. His work has appeared in The Absinthe Literary Review, McSweeney’s, Paste, and Literal Latte. He’s working on two novels and his web site is Giganticide.com.

Handel Reborn

Beethoven said Handel was the greatest who ever composed—so why do we only seek him out at holidays? DENNIS MAHONEY marks the 250th anniversary of Handel’s death with a guide to all the life in his music. (Profiles | April 14, 2009)

The Man Who Was Hook

Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story. (Stories | October 31, 2003)

The Miracle of Dust

Marjorie had a perfectly functional, model family in the suburbs, until the Blessed Face of Holy Mother Mary appeared on her television. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney. (Stories | May 30, 2003)

Rising Bodies

Spring has arrived, and on its tails we spot daisies, rain showers, and dead bodies floating to the surface. That is, if you’re a rather unlucky girl with an eye for corpses. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney. (Stories | April 2, 2003)

Love in the Time of Smallpox

Terror warnings be damned! This Valentine’s Day you can hug with your honey without fear of attack – with these handy tips. Dennis Mahoney keeps the romance alive. (Opinions | February 14, 2003)

Why Won’t You Leave Me Alone?

Some people hear voices inside their head, others simply hear voices, and it tortures them to death. Sufferer Dennis Mahoney begs you to leave him alone, you and your constant demands. (Stories | February 6, 2003)

Super Bowl Ads: A Postmortem

It’s been popular for years to say Super Bowl ads are more entertaining than the game, and the ad industry started the rumor. Unfortunately, Dennis Mahoney points out that the ad industry is prone to lying. (Opinions | January 27, 2003)

After the Twelve Days of Christmas

Yearly these twelve days of Christmas bring us many gifts: partridges, pear trees, and many maids equipped with pails. Dennis Mahoney recounts the bevy of presents, and responds. (Stories | January 6, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Santa Claus

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week THE WRITERS determine once and for all the existence of Santa Claus. (How To | December 20, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Thanksgiving

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY answers four questions about Thanksgiving, which is apparently a holiday, or something. (How To | November 27, 2002)

Ads Are Stupid

A purple thing with eyes will make you buy cheeseburgers. Shaking rumps will make you buy beer. Bears are supposed to do something too. Dennis Mahoney reviews the material and concludes that ads are stupid. (Opinions | November 5, 2002)

Scary Stories

In celebration of Halloween, we’ve asked all the Contributing Writers to share a scary story. Here then, seven ways to get freaked out. (Stories | October 31, 2002)

The Non-Expert: ‘Broadway: The Movie’

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY works over the inner workings of the movie industry, where art always prevails over profit. (How To | September 20, 2002)

The Non-Expert: How to Get Promoted

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY leads a primer on how to get promoted. With a rocket-cycle and everything. (How To | September 13, 2002)

The Non-Expert: The Best Man’s Speech

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY tackles and violates that most fearsome of wedding-day responsibilities: the Best Man’s speech. (How To | September 6, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Lift

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY takes a look at some people’s pretty-darned-weird behavior. And why they keep pressing the elevator ‘call’ button. (How To | August 30, 2002)

The Non-Expert: The Joy of Internet Dating

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY discusses online dating: the hubbub, the hoopla, and the sexy stuff too. (How To | August 16, 2002)

The Non-Expert: ConEd and Hobbes

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY gets into paying your ConEd bill, war-focused philosophy, and stabbing asses. (How To | August 9, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Electric Slide & Body Hair

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY explores the history of the Electric Slide and the mysteries behind Hypertrichosis. (How To | August 2, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Lose 15 Lbs. in 20 Minutes a Day!

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY gives advice on nutrition and exercise, topics he knows everything about. (How To | July 26, 2002)

The Non-Expert: The Mystery of Girls

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY negotiates why girls are the way they are. And he’s got proof. (How To | July 19, 2002)

Accounting for Taste: Exo, Say Hello to the Master Siege Control

Four TMN writers get their paws on something and give their reviews. This time it’s an album from Chicago band Exo, selected by Kevin Guilfoile. (Opinions | July 16, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Jehoshaphat, Alex, and Alex

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY explores the history of Johosafat, and how to go through life when you share the same name as your lover. (How To | July 12, 2002)

The Non-Expert: Bow Ties and Dog Years

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week DENNIS MAHONEY kicks off the first installment of our new Friday feature, The Non-Expert’s Desk, with questions about wedding fashion and canines. (How To | June 28, 2002)

Nothing’s Shocking

Once upon a time, music idols were evil enough for your parents to hate them. So what do we have left, now that our demons are as safe as pie? Dennis Mahoney gives us the (hopefully) grim details. (Opinions | June 20, 2002)

Zan: Summertime Superhero

You don’t have a house in the Hamptons, you don’t have a pool; hell, you don’t even have central air conditioning. Face it: the only thing that will save you this summer is a miracle, or a superhero. Dennis Mahoney explains. (Opinions | May 10, 2002)

A Chat with Penny, Chatterbot

Computers are taking over the world, and, recently, they’ve started talking back. Celebrity reporter Dennis Mahoney gets the inside scoop on Penny, infamous chatterbot and supreme know-it-all. (Personalities | May 2, 2002)

Meet the Nielsens

They’re like any other demographically-correct American family, except that everyone’s watching them. Dennis Mahoney visits with the Nielsens to chat about The Company, TV statistics, and what, exactly, doesn’t make them so darn different. (Stories | April 19, 2002)

The Ins and Outs of My Gated Community

Being city-dwellers ourselves, we’ve always wondered what it’s like to live in a private community, separated from the world by cameras and fences. Dennis Mahoney happens to live behind such fences, and gives us the insider’s take on modern elite living. (Stories | April 5, 2002)

Happy Birthday, Embryo

For good or ill, the first genetic engineering of a human embryo is one more mental adjustment in a year of Herculean mental adjustments. And 2001 started off so boring. Dennis Mahoney dons the lab coat and explains. (Opinions | November 26, 2001)

A Fig for Thee, O Terror

The reason Mayor Giuliani sounded more effective than GW Bush was a simple matter of doing vs. planning. You trust a man who’s talking about lifting that brick right now and don’t ask about tomorrow yet. When work needs to be done, there isn’t time for fretting and conjecture. Dennis Mahoney gets down to brass tacks. (Opinions | November 10, 2001)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

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