Tobias Seamon

TMN Contributing Writer Tobias Seamon is author of the novel The Magician’s Study and The Emperor’s Toy Chest, a collection of speculative fiction forthcoming from PS Publishing. He lives in Albany, NY, and is currently working on a Northern gothic novel called A Revenger’s Tragedy. Email him here.

First Scary Movies

You can sleep with the closet light on, you can crawl into your parents’ bed, but you can never forget your first truly frightening horror movie. Our STAFF AND READERS agree. (Of Recent Note | October 29, 2009)

Beloved Children’s Books

With the imminent release of the Where the Wild Things Are movie, we’re swept up in childhood literary nostalgia. Our STAFF AND READERS tell us what filled their tiny bookshelves. (Of Recent Note | October 1, 2009)

Superpowers, Revealed

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…someone who can divide a dinner bill five ways! Sometimes the best abilities are the ones the world can’t see. Our STAFF AND READERS share their talents. (Of Recent Note | September 2, 2009)

Murderer, Thief, Whoremonger, Cheat

This summer marks the quadricentennial of Henry Hudson’s joyride to Albany—a celebration steeped in blood and greed. TOBIAS SEAMON concludes his series on the origins of New York. (Deadwood on the Hudson | June 11, 2009)

An Arm and a Leg to Be Divided

Four hundred years ago, Henry Hudson took a pleasure cruise up to Albany—and so began a bloody, murderous chapter of American history. TOBIAS SEAMON continues with part two of his series on the devils in New Netherland. (Deadwood on the Hudson | May 27, 2009)

Prodigies, Peons, and Purple People Eaters

The wide world of sports is full of fallen angels and exhausted stories. TOBIAS SEAMON condenses a season of discontent into five brief acts, with prayers for a glorious summer. (Op-Ed | May 20, 2009)

Treacherie and the Chiefe Men of the Countrey

To celebrate the quadricentennial of Henry Hudson’s cruise to Albany, TOBIAS SEAMON begins a new series about the Dutch colonies’ origins in America—no publicity cover-ups allowed. (Deadwood on the Hudson | April 28, 2009)

People I Wish I Knew

We asked: “Who are your would-be acquaintances, your potential best friends, your maybe-someday muses?” With hopeful associates living and dead, renown and unknown, the TMN READERS AND WRITERS respond. (Of Recent Note | February 24, 2009)

Ways We’re Saving Money

As the price of everything hikes higher and higher, thrift is fast becoming an essential life skill. The TMN READERS AND WRITERS tell us how they’re beating the high cost of living. (Of Recent Note | June 27, 2008)

Online Merchants

‘Tis the season of Amazon and Zappos, but what about those web merchants with more rare offerings, or services you didn’t know were available online? THE WRITERS offer a few of their current favorites. (Of Recent Note | November 27, 2007)

Nonfiction Books

You’ve stocked up on bookmarks, ordered the bookplates, and now you’re ready to fill the shelves. Next time you’re shopping, pass over the fiction and pick up something with an index. THE WRITERS offer a selection. (Of Recent Note | October 23, 2007)

The Strange Case of Harmen Meyndertsz van den Bogaert, Part Two

When he arrived in Manhattan in 1630, Harmen Meyndertsz van den Bogaert had a promising future. But cannibalism, sodomy, and a pet bear (not for sale) forever changed his life, and legacy. The second of a two-part series from TOBIAS SEAMON. (Profiles | March 27, 2007)

The Strange Case of Harmen Meyndertsz van den Bogaert

When he arrived in Manhattan in 1630, Harmen Meyndertsz van den Bogaert had a promising future. But cannibalism, sodomy, and a pet bear (not for sale) forever changed his life, and legacy. The first of a two-part series from TOBIAS SEAMON. (Profiles | March 20, 2007)

What’s Your Resolution?

The confetti’s been tossed, the funny hats are crumpled in the corner, and at least three of us had a little too much champagne. At the start of a new year, THE WRITERS offer an answer to the question everybody’s asking. (Spoofs & Satire | January 2, 2007)

Our Favorite Gifts

The most meaningful gifts are so personal they cannot simply be plucked from the shelves of a store—but sometimes we need a little help. Turning holiday inspiration into shopping salvation, THE WRITERS recall their fondest gift memories. (Guides | December 15, 2006)

Potluck Supper

The best Thanksgivings are the ones where all the guests bring their own specialties to the table. Eight CONTRIBUTING WRITERS serve up their best, potluck-style. With illustrations by ANNA FEATHERLY. (Personal Essays | November 22, 2006)

The Vanishing Date

Halloween: time for stories of headless horsemen, escaped psychos with hooks for hands, and ghosts other than the white-sheet variety. But the same stories year after year can get a little dull. THE WRITERS retell a scary tale. (Spoofs & Satire | October 31, 2006)

In the Realm of the Oak Queen

A generation ago, the death of a pet prompted heartbreak, but the burial may have been a simple backyard affair. Pet funerals these days are going upscale, and one New York pet crematorium sets a shining example, TOBIAS SEAMON reports. (Personal Essays | October 3, 2006)

May 2006

It’s the last Wednesday of the month, so it’s time for another episode of what THE WRITERS have recently been loving: restaurants in California, television in Japan, vitamin-laced candy, and more. (Of Recent Note | May 31, 2006)

For March 2006

A new month of what THE WRITERS have been watching, reading, eating, drinking, hearing, and enjoying. (Of Recent Note | March 29, 2006)

Brushes With the Law

Who knew what evil once lurked in the hearts of THE WRITERS? Arsonists, accomplices, troublemakers all, here are nine lives of crime, cut short. (Personal Essays | March 22, 2006)

While He Flatters He Bites

The New World was filled with many threats, dangers, and unseen evil—all of which sailed over in the form of one man: Cornelis Van Tienhoven, the bad sheriff of New Amsterdam. TOBIAS SEAMON writes. (Profiles | March 14, 2006)

The Green Ghost of Sleepy Hollow

The Kinderhook area of New York is famously haunted. Though is it only by our own thoughts, or from something altogether different? Memories of home turn up the family spirits. (Personal Essays | October 25, 2005)

Life Goes On?

The Gulf Coast is in ruins, but that won’t stop the political machine from running—in fact, it means it’s only getting revved up. Our writer watches the waves of disaster that just won’t stop. (Politics | September 7, 2005)

A View From the Crow’s Wood

You would’ve paid more attention in history class if they taught you what early Dutch settlements were really like. An opportunity to sift through the artifacts at an 18th century Hudson Valley home reveals a way of life that is as odd as it is oddly familiar. (Personal Essays | June 21, 2005)

Of Recent Note: For Spring 2005

THE WRITERS spring on you the stuff they’re into right now—including what they’re reading, hearing, watching, finding, eating, using, installing, applying, and, yes, even scratching this season. (Opinions | March 22, 2005)

Juiced

Can Congress get baseball to go cold turkey off steroids? And how many passionate pleas will it take? Rep. Tobias Seamon speaks, passionately and otherwise, rooting out those who seek enhancements of every kind. (Opinions | March 21, 2005)

Memento Mori

Who was Hunter S. Thompson? To everyone who followed him, he was somebody different. Tobias Seamon remembers his reading life with the Good Doctor. (Personalities | February 23, 2005)

The Non-Expert: What We Are When We Are at Home

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON fields a tough question about why Americans are so obsessed with smell, and demonstrates how Americans’ odor concerns know no borders. (How To | February 11, 2005)

The Six Wives of Henry LaGrange

Henry LaGrange has a very big problem. And when he isn’t struggling with his dissertation, bribing his thesis advisor, or marrying multiple women, his problem only gets bigger and bigger. Fiction by Tobias Seamon. (Stories | November 16, 2004)

Of Recent Note: For Fall 2004

Books, movies, shows, albums, artists, clothing, writing instruments, online “services,” ways to cook, things to eat, and more things to digest. What’s that? It’s what THE WRITERS have been very into lately, and think you might be too. Here are their Fall recommendations. (Opinions | October 13, 2004)

Any Given Election

What’s a devout gambler supposed to do when the sports landscape looks so bleak? Why, turn to the current presidential race, naturally. Tobias Seamon gives a state-by-state rundown on your best bets. (Opinions | September 20, 2004)

If on a summer’s vacation…

Now past the halfway-mark for summer, we’ve all either taken our summer vacations or we’re still planning where to go. For those of us who fall into the latter camp, beware your choices. THE WRITERS remember ways summer vacations have gone so horribly wrong. (Stories | July 28, 2004)

Sentences of Discontent

Someone has to write the next Da Vinci Code, why shouldn’t it be you? To kick-start the writing process, Tobias Seamon brings us a batch of great first lines guaranteed to get your blockbuster off to a best-selling start. (Stories | June 28, 2004)

Of Recent Note: For Summer 2004

Of interest lately are special books, catchy songs, lovely clothes, and a slew of other wonderful items we’ve collectively enjoyed the last few weeks, and now wish to pass along for your very own summer pleasure. THE WRITERS recall and review. (Opinions | June 10, 2004)

Following My First Mind

If pop music can change lives, then the process must begin someplace in the mind, and more likely in images than words. Tobias Seamon sends us a postcard from the backyard of his brain, where Sinead O’Connor shares time with the Talking Heads. (Opinions | June 1, 2004)

Pinstriped Portraits

We know our bombers like the backs of our hands—Jeter, Matsui, now the almighty A-Rod—but who exactly are the Yankees’ fans? And is there more to life than hating the Red Sox? Our man in Albany TOBIAS SEAMON finds out what ticks for a few diehard New York fans. (Personalities | April 1, 2004)

A Reasonable Guide to Scum Rock

Let the strippers go unpaid, let the motel rooms burn—rock’s only as good as its most depraved leaders are terrible. Reporting from his headphones, Tobias Seamon has a catalog of true low-life hedonism. (Opinions | February 10, 2004)

The Non-Expert: All The President’s Martians

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON looks into the recent hoopla over Mars, with an explanation for Dub-Dub’s motives in space. (How To | January 16, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Bacon

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON enumerates many new ways you can prepare your favorite breakfast meat. Look out, because we’re makin’ bacon. (How To | November 14, 2003)

Sunlit Pictures: A War Album

Conflict is an unchanging part of our society, and only seems in remission when it’s not at our own doorstep. Tobias Seamon offers a collection of vignettes about war and its constant presence in our lives. (Stories | November 5, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Krazy Kittens

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON ruffles some whiskers when he investigates the truth behind feline insanity. He may also get scratched pretty bad. (How To | October 17, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Historical Re-Enactors

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON shows how to live in the past, bedecked in ancient garb, profound in dead languages. Yes, how to become a historical re-enactor. (How To | September 19, 2003)

Gene Mirabelli

The author of five novels – including some very sexy covers – as well as numerous short stories, book reviews, and journalistic pieces, Gene Mirabelli is ‘over 70 and probably the least known man of letters since Hawthorne.’ (People | September 18, 2003)

Crowning the Action

Mel Gibson’s forthcoming movie, The Passion, has come under a great deal of fire, especially for something that nobody’s even seen yet. Tobias Seamon addresses the controversy and questions where Gibson’s responsibilities lie. (Opinions | August 27, 2003)

Stuck in Craw City

Baseball’s history is thick with stories of bad luck, but no one’s unluckier than Louisiana’s minor-league Gizzards. Tobias Seamon writes in with a bit of baseball fiction. (Stories | August 6, 2003)

Forever and a Day: Songs for Summertime

After a weekend of heavy research, summer expert TOBIAS SEAMON gives us his survey of music for surviving the heat, and your drunk friends. (Opinions | July 7, 2003)

The Witch of Dove Street

Amidst gutters draining the wrong way, strange happenings in nature, and loneliness, Tobias Seamon lived in a witch’s house. Better pet the cat for good luck. (Personalities | June 4, 2003)

Walking the Rx Red Carpet

Where do you get the scoop on the drug industry’s hot new products? Why, at the Rx spring show, that’s where! Tobias Seamon makes nice with the celebrated followers of pharmaceuticals. (Personalities | May 7, 2003)

How to Survive a Deathbed

It’s not SARS, and you’re sure it’s something worse. Even though they say it’s just a cold, you’ve already resigned yourself to death’s icy grip. Tobias Seamon serves up ways to make the wait a little more worthwhile. (Stories | April 14, 2003)

The New-Old Albany

Every great city is filled with a thousand untold stories. Albany, New York, however, has none. In a bout of civic service, Tobias Seamon decides to concoct a few. (Stories | March 26, 2003)

Albany, Counting the Ways

The heart of New York may be in the five boroughs, but its gear box is buried under snow in Albany. Upstater Tobias Seamon reports on the many reasons to love a seedy town of secrets, bosses, and smoke-filled rooms. (Personalities | March 11, 2003)

This Old Human

No country cabin is complete without a proper old man. Tobias Seamon reports from the set of This Old Human and gives us the scoop on how to craft the perfect curmudgeon. (Stories | January 22, 2003)

Happy New Year from Sam Nougat

The bringing of a new year suggests reconciliation, a time for us to forgive our relatives any faults from last year. Or, ask them to forgive us. Either way, Tobias Seamon points out that a massive group email probably isn’t the best method. (Stories | January 13, 2003)

Rivalry Day

Harvard-ers and Yalies may not mix well, but ask a Buckeye what he thinks of someone from Michigan, and he’ll start building the effigy. TOBIAS SEAMON spends a long day on the couch watching the seismic clashes of college football. (Opinions | November 25, 2002)

Windows to Byzantium

There are not many stories that combine the Yankees, Babies Hospital, gardens, Yeats, Hello Kitty, and death. Tobias Seamon has one, and names the names. (Personalities | October 8, 2002)

This Week Beyond Baseball

A dim light in the booth. A buzzing, and the microphone fizzles back on. Welcome back the ghost of Mel Allen, the departed host of This Week in Baseball! With Biff Loman in tow, his soul walks again to give us the rundown on who to watch in the 2002 pennant race. (Personalities | August 13, 2002)

The All-Bastard Athletic Club

Meet the Bastards: a collection of the meanest baseball players who ever lived. TOBIAS SEAMON reports from the bench and ducks whenever a stray bat is flung at his head. (Personalities | June 10, 2002)

The Cursed, the Blessed, and the Inept

There are a variety of reasons why our beloved New York/New Jersey sports teams lose: lack of ability, poor management, or long-standing hexes or curses. TOBIAS SEAMON gives the lowdown on which teams are under the watchful gaze of a cloven-hooved beast. (New York, New York | May 3, 2002)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

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