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Spoofs & Satire

Credit: The White House

All the President’s Pens

It’s difficult to fix the economy when you can’t find a stapler. Reviewing some recently declassified White House audio tapes as President Obama works through his first 100 days.

Jan. 21, 2009, 9:08 AM

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Does this chair seem high to you?

SENIOR ADVISOR DAVID AXELROD: High?

OBAMA: Yeah, do I look like I’m sitting too high at the desk?

AXELROD: A little. Can you—can you lower it?

OBAMA: No, it’s one of those old ones. Do you think I can get a new one? Or did Teddy Roosevelt use this or something?

AXELROD: No idea. It’s probably best just to get used to it.

OBAMA: I’m afraid to touch anything in here.

 

Jan. 25, 2009, 11:50 a.m.

SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER (on speakerphone): Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President, but with the stimulus bill the way it is now I simply can’t give you my support.

OBAMA: Well, you’re going to regret this, Arlen. I’ve already got enough Republicans on board, so I don’t need you. So you think long and hard about whether you want to piss me off for a vote that won’t make any difference!

(button being pushed)

OBAMA: I tell you what, Rahm, I hope he doesn’t see through that bluff. I really need him on this.

SPECTER: Uh, I’m still on.

OBAMA: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

(button being pushed)

OBAMA: Hello?

SPECTER: Still here.

OBAMA: How does this stupid phone hang up?!

(multiple buttons being pushed)

SPECTER: Still on.

VICE-PRESIDENT BIDEN (on speakerphone): Hello? Did someone conference me in?

 

Jan. 31, 2009, 7:55 a.m.

(door opening)

PRESS SECRETARY ROBERT GIBBS: Mr. President? Sir?

OBAMA: (snoring) …wha? What?

GIBBS: Mr. President, did you sleep here overnight?

OBAMA: I…I forgot how to get upstairs. I’ve been too embarrassed to ask for directions.

GIBBS: Something smells bad.

OBAMA: I haven’t seen my family in three days.

 

Feb. 5, 2009, 2:40 p.m.

CHIEF OF STAFF RAHM EMANUEL: Did the President say when he’s coming back?

ATTORNEY GENERAL ERIC HOLDER: He should be here by now. I guess he’s running late.

EMANUEL: Is this the switch for the lights? It’s dark as hell in—

ELECTRONIC VOICE: GREETINGS, MR. PRESIDENT. ENTER AUTHORIZATION CODES FOR NUCLEAR FORCES MOBILIZATION.

EMANUEL: Oh, shit!

HOLDER: Let’s get out of here!

(doors opening and slamming)

 

Feb. 8, 2009, 3:30 p.m.

OBAMA: How about here?

FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA: Next to Washington? It makes it look cheap.

OBAMA: OK, how about over here, next to the door?

FIRST LADY: Barack, you have a bust of Thomas Jefferson right below it. It’ll look cluttered.

OBAMA: OK. How about right on the door itself?

FIRST LADY: That’s just tacky.

OBAMA: Look, if I can’t keep the Mad Men poster, just tell me, OK?

 

Feb. 12, 2009, 6:43 p.m.

GENERAL GEORGE W. CASEY, JR: What we’re looking at here is a scaling-up of forces in Afghanistan, and I don’t think we—

(porcelain breaking)

BIDEN: Is that coffee? Please tell me that’s not coffee!

CASEY: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t even see the table!

OBAMA: Just—just someone find some paper towels! It’s spreading, it’s spreading!

ADMIRAL GARY ROUGHEAD: We need baking soda!

DEFENSE SECRETARY ROBERT GATES: Everyone fan out! Find the kitchen!

(doors opening and closing)

(long pause)

BIDEN: Jesus, it’s right on the eagle, too.

OBAMA: Man. (sighs) The Republicans are gonna have a field day with this.

 

Feb. 18, 2009, 1:15 p.m.

IRANIAN PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: We want to take the opportunity of your historic election to re-establish a mutually beneficial relationship.

OBAMA: That’s good to hear, Mr. President. And we’re equally—

(door opening)

CABLE REPAIR MAN: Hey, this the room?

OBAMA: Yeah, right over there on the far wall.

AHMADINEJAD: What the hell?

OBAMA: Sorry, this was the only window I could get for this week. Let’s just ignore it.

CABLE REPAIR MAN: I gotta put a line through here.

OBAMA: That’s fine. What were we saying, Mr. President?

AHMADINEJAD: Well, the importance of—(masonry drill whirring)

OBAMA: I’m sorry, what?

AHMADINEJAD: I said, you cannot underestimate the danger of—(masonry drill whirring)

OBAMA: I’m sorry, the drill, just a little louder?

AHMADINEJAD: I SAID, MUTUAL RESPECT IS THE—(masonry drill whirring)

OBAMA: One more time.

AHMADINEJAD: You know what, we’re just going to keep funding Hezbollah.

OBAMA: You gotta be kid—(masonry drill whirring)

 

Feb. 20, 2009, 10:25 p.m.

FIRST LADY: Oh, Barack… (giggling) …no, not here! Are you crazy?

OBAMA: Come on, baby…right here…it’ll be so hot…

FIRST LADY: Oh, you’re so naughty…

OBAMA: Mmmm…let’s get you on the desk…

FIRST LADY: Oh, yes…yes…OW! I hit something—

ELECTRONIC VOICE: GREETINGS, MR. PRESIDENT. ENTER AUTHORIZATION CODES FOR NUCLEAR FORCES MOBILIZATION.

FIRST LADY: Oh, shit!

OBAMA: Let’s get out of here!

(doors opening and slamming)