All the Bikes We Cannot See
A record number of injuries and disqualifications in this year’s Tour de France is being blamed on addictions to contemporary fiction.
Spoofs & Satire
A collection of 226 issues
Death Means No Reversible Error
Whenever lethal injection drugs are unavailable, Utah will allow death-row prisoners to choose death by firing squad, citing it as the most “humane” option.
HBO’s Treme Corners You at a Party
When art is staring you in the face, you can’t look away.
Gods and Kings and Middle Managers
Recent astronomical discoveries have expanded our understanding of the universe—and messed up godhead performance reviews.
Kafka’s Kickstarter
The latest works from the author will be given with pleasure, and received with thanks, but we need your support.
The Pitch
Idea for a television show: a teenager has the power to turn fantasy into reality—but she doesn’t know it. It's “Amelia Bedelia” meets “Quantum Leap.”
This Will Be the Year That Was
If you can't wait to find out what 2015 will bring—from John Galliano's Cosby sweaters to Jenny McCarthy getting polio—wait no longer. (Spoilers ahead.)
Admirable Restraint
Understatement can help us cope with disaster. But in the case of Paul McCartney, a little doesn’t always go a long way.
The Great Gtzzby
The Jazz Age blasts into orbit, adding oxygen parties and mighty pincers to the rise-and-fall decadence of the intergalactic one percent.
We Are Not Beasts, We Are Gurus
Stranded on a desert island, a panel of self-help authors must rely on their wits and catchphrases to survive.
The Mall of the Wild
Even cable series must adapt to survive. Possible spinoffs of “Naked and Afraid” explore charted territory.
This Will Be the Year That Was
At the dawn of 2014, we anticipate what will happen in our new year. This is what will happen.
Greetings From Sloane-10b
As New York real estate prices skyrocket, it’s time to head where no gentrifier has gone before.
More Home Runs Are Hit With Guns Than Baseball Bats
What happens before an NRA-commissioned—or rather, university-approved—study reaches the public.
Natural Born Tourists
When a vacation rental doesn’t live up to expectations, when that “charming Montauk cabin” turns out to be a shed, one family’s solution is passive-aggressive guestbook commentary.
Put These on My Byline
In line at the grocery store, the economics of online writing.
With Great Power
There’s a new Spider-Man movie in the works, but it’s not the one you're expecting. Thanks to the magic of crowd-funding, it could be the summer blockbuster nobody sees.
It’s Complicated
Though mothers may gnash their teeth at forgotten flowers and missing brunches, the poets still sing of the worst Mother’s Day ever: that of Oedipus and his bride.
Art of the Steal
Western museums aren’t exactly known for possessing sterling records when it comes to acquiring the treasures of foreign countries. So when the Met is pressured to return its valuables, a mea culpa seems due.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Wed
To wed or not to wed? There’s the rub. Revisiting Tom Stoppard’s classic in the era of gay marriage.
Pope Francis of Carhartt
The media has labored to stress the humility of the 266th and current Pope of the Catholic Church. But somehow they missed his taste for Burt Reynolds movies, and other signs of holy humbleness.
Papal Haze
Even as the Roman Catholic world prepares to welcome its 267th leader, the papacy remains mysterious and misunderstood. It's time to explore the world of popes!
A Supposedly Fun Thing I Will Probably Do Again
Yesterday morning, a plane landed at an airport. A man who was or was not a famous actor, and a writer who was or was not in love with him, stood on the verge of finally meeting. A Valentine's Day story for the romantic and/or foolish at heart.
Mea Culpa, Oprah
Ever since Lance Armstrong told Oprah about his persistent doping, lying, and just plain being mean, celebrities are lining up for their own public confessions. Starting with “Breaking Bad’s” Walter White.
The Petition Response Strikes Back
The White House recently turned down a petition to build a Death Star. More responses from the official rejection pile.
Handicapped Children
All parents like to believe their children are special. But horse breeders know better: Progeny can be unique, but for very particular reasons. How to be more honest about your offspring and their ability to finish in the money.
This Will Be the Year That Was
Already 2013 has seen America drive off the fiscal cliff, only to freeze momentarily, then either reverse in mid-air or drop straight into the canyon—depending on how you look at it. Here's more of what to expect over the next 12 months.
Words Fail
This is the essay for your community college poetry class, the essay that encapsulates your thoughts on the assigned work in written form, the essay you started this morning, the essay that is due today.
Stop, Don’t Shoot
You witness an incident occur directly in front of you. You see every detail. There's time to help—but should you get involved? A handy guide for photographers.
MarketStrong
After resigning in disgrace from the charity he helped found and losing his sponsorship with Nike, Lance Armstrong now must cope with the leak of his new memoir—excerpted here.
Dear Literary Magazine
Every day, rejections from lit mags flood the inboxes of thousands of writers the world over. Today, one writer changes all that.
Fifty States of Grey
A trilogy of erotic novels are sweeping America, scheduled to sell 20 million copies this week. Here, a state-by-state guide on how the books are being adapted for local markets.
Coming to a Theater Near You
With blockbusters like “Snow White and the Huntsman,” “Zombie Overkill,” and “Yahtzee: Alien Invasion,” it’s already a smash hit for summer movies. But film buffs know Summer 2013 will be even better—and we’re not just talking about Jerry Bruckheimer’s live-action “Hungry Hungry Hippo Apocalypse.”
Doomsday Slackers
We open the bunker on doomsayers preparing for the end of civilization—but not all them will survive the first hour of armageddon.
From the Files of the Dream Police
They’re waiting for you. They’re looking for you. Every single night they’re on duty, ready to drive you insane. Stories from the blotter of the men inside your brain.
Our Future National Pastime
Predictions for the baseball season ahead from someone who hasn’t paid attention to sports statistics since the 1992 Orioles.
Life After Long-Term Unemployment
You wanted it. You were willing to give up BBC dramas for it. Now it’s time to readjust to the working life. Welcome back.
This Will Be the Year That Was
As 2012 hatches, many face the new year with trepidation and excitement. Whose political fortunes will shine brightest? Were the Mayans right? Here are startlingly accurate predictions for the year ahead.
The Luxe Love Life of Veronica van der Vöorhies
When hard times hit a notable—and note-taking—member of Manhattan's 1%, she seeks out comfort in warm arms, big and strong, at New York's Zuccotti Park.
The Atari Orgablet 2600
From the Kindle Fire to the iPad 2, the market is flooded with tablets. But only one can deliver a constant orgasm directly to its user.
Remembering Anwar Al-Awlaki, a Mellow Cat
When al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki was killed in a drone attack late last month, friends and colleagues were left to mourn a man of generosity, humility, and an amazing porno collection.
What's On?
With more than 70 TV show premieres this fall, who has time to watch them all? Or even know what any of them are about? With no prior knowledge of the shows' premises, here are some guesses.
Calypso Now
With the U.S. military engaged in multiple battles around the world, it’s time to revisit that haunting classic of war and steel-drum cinema, “Apocalypso Now.”
Define the Ratio of People to Cake
After the world's oddest job-interview questions, from companies like Citigroup and Facebook, were revealed, our writer decided to take all of them to prove he's hirable anywhere.
Incentivize Your Exciting New Death
You’ve died and gone to heaven. Well, unemployment is bad there, too. Sensitivity training, immigration snags, and the smell of bishops in paradise.
Everyone Must Go
You've seen the billboards and the banner ads: Judgment Day is coming on May 21. But just because you're saved doesn't mean you're home-free. Brimstone Barney's Apocalypse Surplus has just the deal for you.
The Pale Serfs
Accountants aren’t the only ones inspired by “Joint Strike Fighter Property Costs.” Five openings for novels inspired by California’s rather unique state tax adjustments.
The Punk Dad Manifesto
Living in the fascist stronghold of Marigold Gardens will challenge the roots of even the most hardcore. One parent’s struggle against the machine.
Being Eddie Is Fun and Other Facts
The internet is flooded with lists of “fun facts,” but none of them are about fun itself.
What Is a Career Move
Following his triumphant appearance on Jeopardy, IBM's Watson supercomputer strikes a deal to replace Charlie Sheen on CBS's hit comedy Two and a Half Men.
The Languid Dirge of the Hippo Father
While “Tiger Moms” may pour their energies into rearing successful children, Long Island offspring are learning to beat the tiger cubs at Halo.
I Love You in Europe
Romance is in the air during February, especially when the air smells vaguely European.
America’s Most Frozen
Rapists, murderers, human traffickers—this winter, sedentary criminals are rife in the nation’s parks. Photos of the 11 worst suspects.
How to Make Celebrities Fall in Love With You
If you tell Johnny Depp he’s hideous looking, he’ll think you’re the first person he’s met who sees past his physical appearance—and other lessons.
Diminish Your Reality
The technology horizon is brighter than ever—or maybe it’s just set that way in your preferences. A look at the new devices and trends expected to take the tech world by storm in 2011.
JuniorHighLeaks
Everyone's doing it: Broadcasting private communications for all the world to see. The latest messages could usurp the power elite of the eighth grade.
A Message From Your University President
Americans prefer "doing" to "knowing." When will our universities wake up to reality? English majors everywhere: More budget cuts are coming, but prepare to smell great.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting New Neighbors
Across the U.S., neighbors of foreclosed homes are eagerly awaiting the new homeowners—soon-to-be acquaintances, friends, lenders of spices, spouse swappers.
You Don’t Want to Do This
You walk in to your bedroom and find your girlfriend in bed with another man. Blood boils. Violence is imminent. Wait, what's that he's saying?
Sexy Singing Vampires of the 1960s
Pop culture is fizzy. Mainstream TV is where the fizz goes flat. A preview of the networks' forthcoming dramas based on trendy Twitter feeds.
Oh, the Games Adults Play Now
Children play games for fun. Adults play games to crush and humiliate. An analysis of behavior on the grown-ups’ playground.
No Stone Unturned
The most colorful parts of Keith Richards’s long-awaited memoir have made headlines. But the guitarist’s deepest insights were left on his editor’s desk.
The Green Ribbon
A dying woman asks her husband for a final favor. What will happen when he loosens the ribbon around her neck?
Eat Yr Veggiez
There’s nothing better than kicking back with your friends and tearing open a bag of Doritos Late Night: Cheeseburger Carrot Sticks—or so some farmers hope.
The Biggest Spinoff Product Failures of 2010
Every year, brands leverage themselves to monetize potential revenue streams—and this year was no different.
Being Nominated Is the Award
The allure of an awards show is not the thrill of victory, but rather the anticipation--and of course the potential for a handjob.
We Three Kings of HGH Are
For many sports fans, steroids ruined professional baseball. Luckily, Roger Clemens is pitching a cream-and-clear sitcom to cure their blues.
Privacy Settings for Bigamists
If anyone feels the pain of Facebook’s constant privacy updates, it’s marital philanderers. But take the time to calibrate your profile, and you can put all that worry behind you.
The Constant Gardener
A spate of arrests reveals Russian spies have been living undetected in the U.S., posting on Facebook—and tending to their gardens.
I Blew the Call
Whether ruining a perfect game or mistaking your mother-in-law for a man, you can’t be expected to get every call right.
The Silent Epidemic
The first diagnosis can shatter your life—until the condition that follows glues it back together.
From the Annals of Motherhood
When faced with insurmountable obstacles, when all other options have been exhausted--that's when moms say the darndest things.
The Edge of Sustainable Living
U2's guitarist has recently been slammed by environmentalists for his California real-estate development. An FAQ for concerned neighbors.
Glorious Emergency Status Report
By now, the financial crisis has touched nearly every corner of the population. But only recently has the Order of the Blood of Thoth felt the pinch.
Paul Is Death
While the most popular Beatles rumor turned out to be false, making the case for an even more dramatic revelation.
Go Climb a Tree
When all you want is get away from it all, just grab a branch, hoist yourself up, and leave your troubles below.
Judicial Sensibilities
When the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court and the president get into a tiff, could the nation’s highest court fall to pieces?
Melancholy Whores’ Memories of Gabriel García Márquez
All the magical realism in the world won't make you good in bed, or so recall the Nobel Prize winner's escorts.
She Ordered Sausage
After his job is jeopardized by unwanted advances toward a co-worker, a writer revises a porn script while undergoing harassment-prevention training.
A Pledge to My Readers
As a reader, you have a choice of which books, magazines, and newspapers to consume. I’m committed to bringing you the finest in the written word.
A Nature Documentary: The Post-Screening Q&A
The film lays bare all the raw intensity of the subject matter, holding back nothing. But some may wonder: What’s the lion’s motivation?
And Now a Few Minutes With Andy Rooney’s Homo Erectus Ancestor
What the kids call “Acheulean,” others call pretentious nonsense. And what’s up with fire?
The Treatloaf® FAQ
The only thing better than meatloaf is meatloaf with a surprise tucked inside. Common questions about the original mystery meat.
Bringing Home the Bacon
In order to survive in today's world, you need to make a lot of dough--but a family cannot live by bread alone.
Pushing Your Buttons
Introducing iBox 2G, the fastest, most powerful way to satisfy your greed and simultaneously kill a complete stranger.
This Is Going to Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
For the good of their children, parents must be able to properly—sometimes even excruciatingly—discipline them when necessary.
I Cannot Accept This Award
Acceptance speeches are often great for moments of hubris and disaster. For anyone soon to win a prize, here's a template best avoided.
The Babysitter
The kids are asleep upstairs, and the sitter waits alone in a darkened house--and then the phone rings. If you think you know what happens next, think again.
Is Rapper Kanye West Dead?
Suspicious lyrics and other clues suggest something may be amiss among the hip-hop royalty.
Adventure Capital
It's risky business, this adventuring, and best not undertaken by those bereft of bravery or collateral.
Home Schooled
Home-schooling gets a bad rap from advocates of traditional education. Our writer defends his parents’ choice to create a high school at home, including a prom.
Don’t Be a Statistic
While H1N1 dominates the headlines, other equally worrisome conditions get lost in the panic. Tips to survive spontaneous human combustion.
The Fiery Furnaces Visit the Department of Motor Vehicles
The brother-sister duo's narrative inclinations take over during a license renewal.
Not Everyone "Got" It
In the early days of The Muppet Show, the famous bonhomie between celebrities and their Muppet co-stars wasn't there yet. Here are the encounters that didn't make a rainbow connection.
The Savior of Newspaperdom
Unless the newspaper honchos invent some brilliant ideas, the broadsheet is dead. A last-ditch brainstorm.
Interview With the Genie
For man and djinn alike, a soft economy makes for a tight job market.
Read My Body Language
When you fold your arms or cross your legs, you unconsciously send a message that reveals your true thoughts. How to read my physical cues.
The Cougar Who Would Be Queen
Supreme Court nominee Sotomayor has been called a bigot and a racist--and that's just week one. A memo to Republican politicians outlining the next phase of attack.
Letters to a Young Lawrence Welk
Before he became famous, Lawrence Welk was just another hoofer working for tips. Then he reached out to Rainer Maria Rilke.
Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman
The U.S. and the U.K. have much in common, but not postage. A duo account for the mysteries of two very different mail systems.
The Blame Game
Flipping through A-Rod’s catalog of the perps who caused him to take steroids.
Fallen Heroes
Every day, on street corners and in shopping centers across the nation, hungry mouths get their fill of authentic, toasted Italian cuisine. A one-act play.
It Is My Wish
Some hope for peace, others for environmental protection—and that’s because TED Prize wishes aren’t often granted to neoconservatives.
All the President’s Pens
It's difficult to fix the economy when you can’t find a stapler. Reviewing some recently declassified White House audio tapes as President Obama works through his first 100 days.
Letters From Cousin Yuri
When Alex Rodriguez identified his cousin Yuri on Tuesday, the media had a new fall guy for A-Rod’s steroid problem.
My Brief Wondrous Life
On Sunday night, Hollywood’s finest will clasp the man of their dreams to their chests. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Oscar.
You’re Just Not That Into You
Looking for love in all the wrong places? Maybe you should try closer to home. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a new book helps you ladies purge your self-loathing.
How I Survived the Various Apocalypses
From zombies to aliens to zombie-aliens, the times that, with civilization at its very brink, against all odds—you know the drill.
The Week After
Barack Obama's inauguration next week will be full of significant, historical events. But what about the seven days to follow?
I Dream in Malcolm Gladwell
A new sport is taking hold, one that involves marshmallows, sticks, and fire.
Christmas Carols, Revised for the Recession
Not only reckless, “dashing through the snow” appears wasteful, certainly not a prudent act in uncertain times.
The Roommate
A woman stops by her dorm room late at night. Careful not to wake her roommate, she never turns on the light. The next morning, she returns to find the police at her dorm. What happens next?
Transitioning
Two candidates are vying for the White House--as are their decorators. Planning for a January move-in date, both teams have ideas for ways to ensure a smooth handover.
Of Thee I Zing
In the two weeks since she became John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin has made her mark--most notably for her aggressive joke-telling. Since the Democrats are unwilling to jibe back, here are some punchlines.
The Secret Journal of Levi Johnston
In just a few short weeks, vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin's future son-in-law has traveled from the hockey rink to the political arena. What happened in between?
The Fierce Urgency of Preseason Rankings
To help you reverse the failed policies of your previous defensive lines, the presidential candidates offer last-minute fantasy football drafting advice.
An Arachnological Guide to the Spiders From Mars
Our planet welcomed their invasion, despite unknown dangers they may have posed.
Save Bubekhar
The world over, do-gooders are doing it for the greater good. But when carp gods and tight blouses mingle, discord looms.
Man Bites Dog
As bookstores swell with narratives, instruction manuals, and other paeans to man’s best friend, publishers turn to even the most inexperienced owners for new pulp.
Re: Cephalopod
Now that Congress has approved domestic wire-tapping, no one can prevent the U.S. from becoming a surveillance state. No one, that is, except for cathym17@zipmail.com.
Baby’s First Internet
Not sure how to explain the internet to your young ones? Presenting a series of nursery rhymes to teach children how to comport themselves on the online.
A Survivor's Journal
America weathered Y2K, Viagra junk mails, and Web 2.0. But will it survive the next technological crisis threatening civilization?
M4W: Surrogate Mother
About us: A childless couple who pines for the pitter-patter of little feet around the house. About you: Fertile, with an athletic build, and maybe a tattoo.
Food Network Kicks Its Programming Up a Notch
An adventurous new show proves you can’t boost your ratings without breaking a few eggs.
A Mnemonic Guide to Remembering New Planets
Memorizing the newly assigned 11 planets may be tough for anyone who’s already graduated fifth grade.
A World Without Me
Assume all human life within an apartment suddenly and inexplicably vanishes, said human life consisting entirely of me. What happens next?
The Third-Inning Blooper Reel
Contract disputes, managerial changes, players testifying on Capitol Hill about steroid use: With only a month until spring training, baseball didn’t get much of a rest this off-season.
Stimulating
The government says your stimulus check will soon be in the mail, but when you finally receive it, should you invest it--or instead blow it on something the economy won't ever forget?
A President for Hill View Neighborhood Watch Like My Father
We need a president who welcomes responsibility, who can connect with people of all walks of life, and who will work to make our neighborhood great again.
Axis of Evil: Annual Letter to Our Members
’Tis the time of year for annual reports, holiday cards, and family update letters.
Three Simple Ways to Abandon Your Family
When enough is enough, when federal investigators are on your trail, or you’ve decided to marry that cocktail waitress after all—it’s time to leave.
Children’s Letters to George W. Bush
The White House is besieged by requests from all corners, even America’s classrooms. A trove of letters to the president, discovered.
Letter From Hollywood
Striking TV and film writers should be shutting down the industry, right? Not so fast. Hollywood has a plan for a new kind of synergy, and now that the writers are out of the way, it’s showtime.
The Backseat Killer
A maniac is chasing an innocent woman. She gets home and runs to her house, just as the pursuing car screeches in to the driveway. How will it end?
America’s Next Top Model Democracy
The winning country receives billions in government contracts and becomes the show's next host. Who will it be?
Television: How Novel
People who hate television love to talk about it, not realizing they could be spending their time improving their minds--with novelizations. The best of the oeuvre, with and without Steve Urkel.
Choose MedCalf
Americans spend more on health care than anyone in the world, yet the quality of our care doesn’t match up. We need a new system—one we can believe in.
Random Acts of Kindness
Hilton’s latest “be hospitable” campaign has people all over reporting on the good deeds of others. With only 1,000 baht—and a little help from Jeremy Piven—a chance to pay it forward.
The Adventure of the Missing Stocking
The writers of the television series “Lost” take time out of their busy schedules to write this pastiche—the latest chapter in the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.
I Slept With Osama bin Laden
A journey halfway around the world culminates in a cave with surprisingly romantic lighting. Spending a night with the world’s most wanted man.
I Did It
When Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning a litany of terror crimes, he was just getting started. More from the al Qaeda mastermind who can't stop confessing.
SXSW 2007: The Very First Review
The South by Southwest Music Festival is a never-ending stream of bands, booze, and laminates that barrels through Austin, Texas, each spring. Just because you're not going doesn't mean you can't review it.
I Write Camille Paglia's Next Column so She Doesn’t Have To, Vol. 1: The UFC
For those who still don't grasp the subtext, reifications of Anna Nicole, Ultimate Fighting, and Eddie Murphy.
Is Chris Dodd White Enough?
The ’08 Democratic nomination is turning into a hot ticket, and favorites are already being pegged. A concerned voter wonders if the senator from Connecticut has what it takes to be America’s next great white hope.
Will You Watch My Computer for Me?
Good manners and solidarity require us to monitor each other’s things in a public library. But what happens when Iranian porn addicts get involved?
My Bloodthirsty Valentine
What says true love better than ear-shattering shrieks interspersed with low, guttural growling? If you're in the market for a uniquely thoughtful Valentine's Day present, we have the perfect, possibly rabies-infected gift for you.
Fragments From Horse’s Mouth! the Musical
It wasn’t long into the nation’s mourning for Barbaro that Broadway’s top producers hatched a plan to preserve his fame. But who knew purgatory was meant for horses?
Barack to the Drawing Board
With Barack Obama's presidential campaign underway, his advisors are working overtime to make sure their man appeals to the American public, and the first challenge is the name.
Soulmakers: The Story of Holland / Dozier / Amin
Through all the highs, lows, and violent overthrows, Motown was always about the music. Excerpts from a forthcoming book on the label's heady days, when a certain Ugandan was tearing through the ranks.
Being Christopher Hitchens
Living as a once-Trotskyist megaforce, now war-toting superstar can take its toll. Particularly when your personality subdivides into pro wrestlers.
What's Your Resolution?
The confetti's been tossed, the funny hats are crumpled in the corner, and at least three of us had a little too much champagne.
The Gift of the Magi
It’s Christmas morning, and a couple’s yuletide glee is under siege by the secular progressives. A provocative television personality and 19th century author spins their tale.
Wii Feel Your Pain
Nintendo's gaming system has thrilled many players with its motion-sensing capabilities, some to the point of harm.
We’re Looking Out for You
With slo-mo commercials warning against fender benders, does your insurance company truly have your well-being in mind?
The Five Stages of Black Friday
The road from denial to Christmas is an arduous one, and begins the day after Thanksgiving. Abandon all hope, and brave the throngs.
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Pogue
If only Shane MacGowan had been more persuasive, his Pogues might have been recognized as the greatest of all Irish bands.
You Sexy Atheist, You
Who says non-believers can’t get frisky like the faithful? Secular countries may be suffering declining populations, but atheists still have all the fun.
The Kennel at the End of the World
Sure, you’re going to heaven, but what about your dog—and yes, even your cat? A helpful guide to caring for your pets after the rapture.
The Vanishing Date
Halloween: time for stories of headless horsemen, escaped psychos with hooks for hands, and ghosts other than the white-sheet variety. But the same stories year after year can get a little dull.
Googling for Trouble
The search company has asked that people tread lightly when verbing its name--but can it turn away history's momentum?
Acmegate
The White House has a secret that not even an Acme Ultimatum Dispatcher could eke out.
Tricks, and Beer, Are for Kids
Adding another log to the public-relations pyre where several corporations recently burned, an exclusive, damning memo from Toys’R’Us.
Employees Must Double-Wash Hands
The recent E. Coli scare sent many bags of spinach into the trashbin. Now that the FDA says the outbreak is over, how will restaurants assure us what they're serving is safe to eat?
Let’s Catch the Wave of Waterboarding!
In a recent White House press conference, Karen Hughes, undersecretary of public diplomacy and public affairs, unveiled an exciting new chapter in the war on terror.
The Obit Laureate
The first installment of our occasional series in which we transform recent Times obituaries--a gong striker, a burger matriarch, a bagpipe virtuoso--into light verse.
Golf Is a Highly Mental Game
A guide to the major techniques, strokes, and hazards you will encounter during an average day on the links.
Mel Gibson's Project Redlight
Given his recent legal troubles, Mel Gibson may want to put some of the upcoming projects from Icon Pictures, his film production company, on hold. Some of the movies we'll have to wait a bit longer to see.
The Bright Side
In this day and age of unmet expectations and underwhelming results, it’s more important than ever to follow the examples of others and look at things in the right light. Welcome to the Bright Side.
Reviews of Books Written by My Ex-Girlfriends
Whether I acted as catalyst or played the well-meaning muse, one thing’s for sure: My writerly exes are a prolific bunch. But are they any good?
God or No God
Is that a benevolent deity inside your briefcase or is Loki just happy to see you? Introducing the game show that's got Americans clutching their prayer books: It's God or No God with Howie Mandel! Atheists, watch out!
Centers of Unlearning
If relics like tractors and antique toilets deserve museums, why not creationism? And why stop there? A guide to upcoming halls of wisdom.
The Future of Organized Labor
From economists to politicians, pundits the nation over argue organized labor is fast becoming extinct. If unions survive, it's safe to assume not much will change when it comes to ground-level operations. People, after all, will be people. And robots will be robots.
Dante, Hero of Sinners
You already have your summer getaway planned--but what about your permanent vacation? Given your options, Hell may be less temperate, but its hidden perks make it well worth the trip.
Namibia’s Tourism Minister Sends a Plea to Britney Spears
Just because your career takes an awkward turn doesn’t mean your baby’s birth can’t be a cherished event. Before you cancel your reservation at the Namibian birthing palace, we’d like a moment of your time.
Files Are Not for Sharing
Preschoolers today know that hands are not for hitting and words are not for hurting. But learning about ethics doesn’t stop there. An illustrated primer for everyone still unclear on the rights and wrongs of intellectual property.
Gastroeconomic Indicators
On special today we have a sampling of menus and social strata. But before you order, remember: Who you are depends on what you eat.
Barbaro Responds to Fans
The nation falls in love with an injured horse and a thousand weepy editorials and get-well cards salute his courage. Now our equine hero responds to his well-wishers via his assistant.
Virginity Pledge 2.0
With more and more kids reneging on their signed virginity vows, it’s time for swift action. An updated pledge from LifeTime Ministry that explains all you really need to know to keep your ticket to salvation intact.
Do You Have Hipsters?
You've seen the warning signs—now's the time to do something about it. A step-by-step guide on how to rid yourself of a hipster infestation.
BetweenTheLines.com
Tired of having your work rejected by editors left and right? The Frustrated Amateur Writers Network may be just what you need to jump-start your writing career. They won't be able to get you published--but they can help you feel better about it.
Hoping for a Safe Return
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: Your child goes missing only days before you try and claim him as a dependent on your tax return. A tale of loss and capital gains.
The Cast of Blossom vs. Wu-Tang Clan
It's true that this year's South by Southwest music festival brought a number of unlikely musical pairings to the stage. Few were as unlikely as Joey Lawrence and Raekwon. (Whoa!)
The Closest Jay Comes to a Love Song
At the rager the chicks come and go, talking about art or something. In time for a hundred hip-hop-hoorays, a frat-boy adapation of T.S. Eliot's "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock."
Barnosky and I
You’ve received the credit card statements, the cancelled checks, the postcards from Aruba. But only at the end of a case of identity theft will you discover how much was really taken from you.
Be Not Afraid
Between rescuing Joaquin Phoenix from a car wreck and dodging bullets during an interview, German director Werner Herzog leads a dramatic life. According to his private diaries, we shouldn't be surprised.
We Didn't Start the Fire
The winter 2006 tour journal of the Piano Men, North America's only five-member Billy Joel tribute band.
One Possible Outcome of Super Bowl XL
The predictions have been made, the spreads have been laid. So who will reign supreme on Sunday? Anything is possible.
I, Servant
Admitting you have a problem is a big hurdle to face, but confessing you need help can be even more difficult, especially when you're forced to choose your own path. So: Will it be robot or monkey?
Alito: A Love Story
When a forbidden love is requited, its consequences will touch us all. A shocking, tender tale of romance, obsession... and murder.
Time to Floss
He told everyone what it stood for before, but this week nobody's buying a single detail about James Frey's life--or his tattoo. The true story behind contemporary literature's most in-your-face symbol.
A Message From the Executive Officer of Artistic License
When two literary giants fall in one week, would-be writers may be concerned that their own publishing fortunes may be in danger. Though they may have lots to hide, they'll have little to fear with these ever-popular products and services at their disposal.
How James Yeh Is Celebrating Christmas in San Francisco
Sometimes you can't make it home for the holidays: Just ask our writer, who recently moved away from his hometown in rural South Carolina. We asked people from his high school what they thought he was up to; here's what we learned.
The Southwestern Canon
Harold Bloom is perhaps our finest Shakespeare critic and certainly one of literature's most passionate lovers. Who knew he's a big chili fan too?
How the World Scores
Though people around the world may measure success in slightly different ways, there is a single scale that is universally accepted. Because, in the end, it’s all about how you made out.
The Last Hurrah of the Mash-Ups
All of these unlikely musical pairings are bound to get unlikable soon. But rest assured somebody out there will still appreciate the effort. Reviews of the very last of the famous international long-playing records.
If on a Winter's Night, Dave Coulier
For those who knew the wacky shirts were actually a comedian's armor. For those with an answering machine message that said "Hi dee ho!" For those who've ever been lost out there and all alone. Excerpts from the forthcoming Dave Coulier fan fiction anthology.
Changed Equations That Changed the World
As it turns out, the rules of science are more flexible than you'd think. When you tinker with the mechanics of the universe, however, you'd better be prepared for drastic repercussions.
The New Confederacy
Whether or not the new head of FEMA knows what’s best for New Orleans is a matter of concern—at least for the one person who knows he knows what’s best for the city. Presenting a manifesto, a proposal, a parvum opus from one Mr. Ignatius J. Reilly.
Kafka in the Green Zone
It’s difficult to make friends in the middle of warfare, but the least you can do is try. Join the existentialist as he rapidly descends through his tour of duty.
Farewell, Tour
The tickets cost too much, the band didn’t play long enough, somebody keeps stealing my seat, and the drunk guy is annoying me and my girlfriend. A letter to whoever is in charge.
The Homeland Security Annuals Budget
What looks better with sandbags--marigolds or bluebonnets? A privied look at how the decisions are made on what to plant and where, and ways to beautify a bollard.
You Only Act Once: The Lesser Bonds
Many actors have attempted to wear the mantle of 007—and many have had their licenses to kill revoked, and not just because of suspicious accents. Here are the reasons why they lost the coveted role, with grievances aired by cast and crew.
A Different World
Season one of “The Cosby Show” if Cliff Huxtable habitually drugged and subsequently fondled select bit players.
Here’s the Pitch
Space: the final frontier…of delicious cooking! Our writers have an exciting new idea for a cookbook that has “out of this world” recipes that are “universally appealing.” Get ready, because it’s T-minus 10 to tasty!
Richard Wagner’s The Breakfast Club
While the influence of Wagner’s oeuvre is heard today even in such folksy phrases as “It ain’t over ’til the prom queen sings,” what endures most from Wagner’s one true masterpiece is its totally bitchin use of character motifs.
Diaries of Andy Warhol, Terrorism Czar
The White House has found trouble in recent weeks with its security appointments, so the president boldly takes a new approach. Our writer reports on Andy Warhol's installation as the ultimate (and silvery) homeland defense.
Trailers for Everyday Life
Ever wonder why your life’s not more like Mel Gibson’s? Ever think maybe it’s because he gets better narration? Pasha Malla and Mike Baker bring us a batch of movie trailers scripted for real-life scenarios.
A Tour of the George W. Bush Presidential Library
His father is known as a cheerful correspondent, while his predecessor just released a thousand-page memoir. How will Dub-Dub be remembered when his papers are collected?
Tanks for the Memories
America hasn't been the same since Bob Hope died. Now—at war around the world—when we need him most, who will challenge the pompous and self-righteous?
A Course Guide to Literary Readings
These days, literary readings aren’t as boring as they should be. But what for the budding author or poet, still in school, who doesn’t know how to smash a guitar or bake a cobbler onstage?
Australia’s Mightiest Heroes
Wherever there is trouble, from marketing to marsupials, they will protect. Super-genius and superhero Dick Smith hatches a new era of costumes and secret identities.
The Passion of the Christ: Blooper Reel
No film set exists without its share of gags and accidents, even the filming of Mel Gibson's crucifixion epic. A transcript of scenes that may never make it onto the DVD edition.
Great Oscar Gaffes
Every year we watch the nominations unfold, the awards change hands, and the speeches drag on. But we miss all the inappropriate jokes, drunk punches, and other such un-televisables. Here’s the moments Oscar wished he’d never seen.
Welcome Back From Baghdad, Mr. President
After taking off on a top-secret Thanksgiving Day jaunt to Baghdad, President Bush appears to be on a mission to be the Badass-in-Chief. Or are there other motives at work? Our writer chases the paper trail.
The NPR Blooper Reel
Hearing about Howard Stern and a bevy of strippers is no big surprise for the radio-savvy, but David Brancaccio and a goat getting clinical? Here are the clips not included in your regular broadcast.
MetaFilter in the Ruins
When the apocalypse comes, when the world ends as we know it, you can bet someone will be updating the Blue.
The Mormons: Our Secret Weapon in the War on Terror
Is war the only option? Surely, there’s something else we can do? Something, perhaps, involving ghosts and baptism? A proposition you might not slam your door on.
Jeremy Bitz Can't Get a Break
In the second installment of our Jeremy Bitz: Unlucky Man series, JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN detail a list of extremely unfortunate events in the life of one man.
Jeremy Bitz Has an Afternoon of Gross Misfortune
Some people are born lucky, others attract misfortune. Unfortunately for Jeremy Bitz, he’s the prince of the latter camp. JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN report on how a few hours can ruin a young man’s day.
Franz Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis,” Revisited
In the first installment of a new series of re-readings, we dust off our dog-eared copy of Metamorphosis and see it in a decidedly different light.
John Ashcroft's 2002 College Football Preview
Thanks to the 2001 PATRIOT Act, we can learn the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men. The time is upon us to take this information and put it to good use: predicting the 2002 college-football champions.
iPod vs. Sliced Bread
Is the iPod better than sliced bread. No, is it really better than sliced bread?
Brenda Stahler Gets Married
Falling in love is no joking matter; falling in love with your best friend’s girl is ass-whuppin’ time. Our writers recall the woman that came between them.
Surrey With the Syringe on Top
In the cutthroat world of playwriting, where a good line means the difference between fame and famine, many authors fall victim to the lure of performance-enhancing drugs.
Casual Fan Fiction
A story based on characters in the popular NBC drama The West Wing written by a guy who usually runs the vacuum between Ed and Law & Order.
Happy Birthday, Embryo
For good or ill, the first genetic engineering of a human embryo is one more mental adjustment in a year of Herculean mental adjustments. And 2001 started off so boring.