The Fiery Furnaces Visit the Department of Motor Vehicles

CLERK
 Can I help the next person in line?
 
 ELEANOR FRIEDBERGER
 (approaches, hands clerk a document)
 I’m plowing through a stir fry like it’s the last one ever
 Tied to my porch with chicken wire and clever
 When Vargas dips his fingers into my sticky rice
 And up floats a letter from the DMV, very nice
 I’d better run down and get my license renewed
 Or my cargo line of plastic dolls from Beaconsville is screwed
 
 CLERK
 OK, let’s take a look. (pause) Um, is this gentleman with you?
 
 ELEANOR
 My brother Matt had my shoes in the cab of his blue truck
 He drove out to the bad side of the bluffs with Tony, just my luck
 I used the old Fiesta from the parade float to track him down
 But some pirates stole the gas so Matt drove me into town
 He wouldn’t give my shoes back til I told him my plans
 That’s why we’re both here in line getting fluorescent tans
 
 CLERK
 Oh.
 
 ELEANOR
 I’m on the ball like the trained seal from Svalbard
 I brought my ownership, though the caterpillars chewed it hard
 My benefactor’s agent paid my car insurance in doubloons
 And I signed my organ donor’s card—I’m no poltroon
 
 CLERK
 Great. I actually don’t need to see that last one. It’s your personal choice.
 
 ELEANOR
 Mm, this process is new to me, new like the sapling tree
 The one that always bends, the one struck by my friends
 
 CLERK
 Yes. Well, we’re going to require a payment, either by check or—
 
 MATT FRIEDBERGER
 Can I take an eyetest?
 Can I take an eyetest, Sadie?
 
 CLERK
 My name is Barb.
 
 MATT
 Can I take an eyetest while I’m here?
 Gotta convince the magistrate that I’m clear
 Or my leather goods concern goes into arrears
 Mine eyes have seen the apex where the beadle scrapped my fears
 
 CLERK
 We get that a lot. I could write you a note or something—
 
 ELEANOR
 Eek, my checks blew away, into the bay
 Oh no, sploosh sploosh, they blew away, whoosh whoosh,
 I’m eating baba ganouj, dans la salle de douche—
 
 CLERK
 It’s all right, it’s all right. Calm down. Do you have a credit card or debit card?
 
 ELEANOR
 (pulls out credit card)
 The plastic came from fossils, the numbers from business models
 This belonged to the laughing Turk who hoarded morphine bottles
 
 CLERK
 Well, it’s got your name on it, so that should be fine. Can you stand in the black box on the floor there? Great.
 
 ELEANOR
 A little bird told me my pictures were worthless,
 A little bird told me my pictures were smeared,
 My mother looked anxious and Callum was laughing
 A little bird told me about my beard
 
 (hands over old license)
 
 CLERK
 Yikes. Heh, the shadows in here do that sometimes. Your new picture will be better.
 
 ELEANOR
 And now I’ll never, never, never, never look like that again—
 
 CLERK
 God, it really does look like a beard, y’know? Big bushy thing. And it’s, like, textured or… rippling…
 
 ELEANOR
 But I’ll never, never, never—
 
 CLERK
 It’s almost grotesque. Why can’t I look away from—
 
 ELEANOR
 Take the bloody picture, snap snap
 
 CLERK
 Sorry.
 
 (takes picture)
 
 MATT
 My tires gonna up and kill me one fine day
 Says a pamphlet, says a pamphlet from the NHTSA
 I’m reading a jeremiad on tire pressure safety
 This trip wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be
 Can we hoof it, can we shag it, can we crackle carpetbag it?
 Can we strop yliaout aginyoh, can we ersatz Inca rag it?
 
 ELEANOR
 Matt, shut your mouth with your amphigories
 My hands would like to cut you a grave in the quarry
 I need to sign this form on the dot-dot line
 Survivor won’t be on until the owl hoots nine
 
 MATT
 Rush rush rush, my mind is like a Taiko drum
 They’re treating that screaming child behind us like some sort of panjandrum
 
 CLERK
 (whispering) I know, totally! Who brings a baby here? (louder) Soon as this prints, you’ll be on your way.
 
 ELEANOR
 A salt lick and a star fruit peel are all the kindness I ever knew
 But downy, bubbly, tremulous, I have a virgin’s love for you
 
 CLERK
 Oh, OK, thanks. S’nice to be appreciated. (pause) This orphan gets no orphery stuck in a sterile phrontistery.
 
 (Silence)
 
 CLERK
 Orphery. It’s like this gold trim kinda stuff.
 
 (Silence)