As Tony Soprano said of football, “You know this is my busy season!” Well, for obsessive unemployables like myself, the upcoming election is also a hectic time. With little to do besides sulk on the meaninglessness of existence and how much my football Giants are going to suck this year, I turn desperately to the presidential election for gambling thrills.
So, for anyone else whose football season already looks scuttled (say, all you folks down in Miami), here are some state-by-state electoral prognostications to hand over to your bookie. Leave the odds-making up to the professionals, though—the Supreme Court is expected to hand down the lines any day now.
Alabama
W’s tide rolls, and the university mascot is an elephant, after all.
Pick: Definite Bush
Alaska
One of the last four wildernesses on earth (Alaska, Antarctica, Amazon basin, Karl Rove’s morals) and the grizzlies like it that way. But why oh why do they always go the other way? I’m betting the bears claw down a polling station or two and defend the homeland.
Pick: Probable Kerry
Arizona
Senior citizens concerned about prescription medication, national health insurance, and Social Security are smacked into the Grand Canyon by cactus-wielding bastards: AZ goes to W by one vote.
Pick: Probable Bush
Arkansas
Alas, Bubba, we knew you well.
Pick: Probable Bush
California
Arnold can’t terminate California dreamin.’
Pick: Definite Kerry
Colorado
Ghost of John Denver sings “Rocky Mountain Low,” then Neil Bush steals the copyright.
Pick: Probable Bush
Connecticut
Prosperous enough to comprehend the Bush Administration’s doomsday economic policies. Also, given three tries to spell the state where his alma mater Yale is located, W doesn’t even come close. “Connekt-, no, Conneti-, no…”
Pick: Probable Kerry
District of Columbia
Can they vote?
Pick: Nader
Delaware
Who do you think a bunch of Baptist chicken farmers are going to vote for, RuPaul? Maybe their sons will, but the credit hustlers want to protect their Mercs in the garage.
Pick: Definite Bush
Florida
Battleground State: The motherfucking Jeb Effect, all over again.
Edge: Bush
Georgia
Despite some righteous noise out of Atlanta and Athens, by the time votes are counted, we’ll all wish Georgia off our minds.
Pick: Probable Bush
Hawaii
I’ve always suspected that Hawaii is like a secretly evil place. Hence, W.
Pick: Probable Bush
Idaho
Spuds love W. Say it again, it’s fun: Spuds love W! Spuds love W!
Pick: Definite Bush
Illinois
Alan Keyes and the GOP can kiss Obama’s skinny ass.
Pick: Definite Kerry
Indiana
Actually, this might be close, but them Hoosiers stick to their own Quayle-esque kind.
Pick: Probable Bush
Iowa
Battleground State: Not once in my life have I actually found Iowa on the map. Happily, neither can W.
Edge: Kerry
Kansas
Carry on, my wayward son, there’ll be war when you are done.
Pick: Definite Bush
Kentucky
The Colonel finally reveals his secret recipe: a bunch of bullshit.
Pick: Probable Bush
Louisiana
‘Tis a pity she’s a whore. (I needed to quote that line somewhere and this seemed perfect.)
Pick: Definite Bush
Maine
A hard-assed logger wearing L.L. Bean clothing is a hard-assed logger.
Pick: Probable Bush
Maryland
Dude, have you ever been there? Native Bal’morean John Waters is the exception, not the rule. W wins at final re-count by a plate of crabcakes.
Pick: Probable Bush
Massachusetts
Bay Staters want pork barrels to go with their beans, and who blames ‘em?
Pick: Definite Kerry
Michigan
Battleground State: The NBA champion Pistons, Kid Rock and Eminem all bring out their posses to make sure no slim shadies steal the vote.
Edge: Kerry
Minnesota
If it bleeds we can kill it: Jessie “The Body” Ventura dons his pink feather boa and slays W’s predators. Rowdy Roddy cleans up the remains.
Pick: Probable Kerry
Mississippi
*Sigh*
Pick: Definite Bush
Missouri
A shitstorm of duplicity and backroom machinations on Election Day in St. Louis, but by the end the Arch smiles on W.
Pick: Probable Bush
Montana
I’m totally guessing here.
Pick: Definite Bush
Nebraska
Can’t see the Boston Beaneater for the cornfield.
Pick: Definite Bush
Nevada
Battleground State: What happens in Vegas should die in Vegas.
Pick: Definite Bush
New Hampshire
Saying archconservative NH goes to Kerry because it neighbors Massachusetts is like saying the Hatfields will turn out the vote for Sheriff McCoy.
Pick: Probable Bush
New Jersey
The Garden State almost withers on the vine until Kerry takes James Gandolfini on a whistle-stop tour of NJ’s finest butcher shops.
Pick: Probable Kerry
New Mexico
When Kerry touches down in Roswell, everyone thinks he’s an alien and shouts “Hooray!”
Pick: Probable Kerry
New York
Because Gotham City wishes to rid itself of supervillains.
Pick: Absolute Kerry
North Carolina
If the choice is between John Edwards or cigarettes, which would you choose? Thought so—smoke up, Johnny.
Edge: Bush
North Dakota
Umm, this seemed like a good spot to type “North Dakota.”
Pick: Probable Bush
Ohio
Battleground State: Despite tin soldiers and Karl Rove coming, Cleveland will rock the vote JFK’s way.
Edge: Kerry
Oklahoma
Liberals piss the grapes of wrath off.
Pick: Definite Bush
Oregon
Battleground State: A hard-assed logger smoking quality weed is a hard-assed logger.
Edge: Bush
Pennsylvania
Battleground State: Was ever woman in this humour woo’d? Was ever woman in this humour won? In the state that once booed Santa Claus, pick-em.
Edge: Pick-em
Rhode Island
Farrelly Brothers release new blockbuster There’s Something about Kerry.
Pick: Probable Kerry
South Carolina
Myrtle Beach, Smyrtle Beach.
Pick: Definite Bush
South Dakota
Tom Daschle tries too late to prove he isn’t a complete suckwad, fails, and the state is moved to the other column.
Pick: Probable Kerry
Tennessee
C’mon Knoxville and Beale Street, raise up and prove me wrong! Send the Chattanooga Choo-Choo Kerry’s way!
Pick: Probable Bush
Texas
You gotta be shitting me?
Pick: Definite Bush
Utah
Tom Ridge leads the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in a rousing rendition of “He’s Got the Whole World In His Guns.”
Pick: Definite Bush
Vermont
Flinty Vermonters are keen enough to choose lesser of two evils.
Pick: Definite Kerry
Virginia
Home of Stonewall Jackson stonewalls hope.
Pick: Definite Bush
Washington
Battleground State: Seattle slew Boeing, and Kerry wins by a nose.
Edge: Kerry
West Virginia
Battleground State: Strip mining doesn’t mean naked girls with little lights on their helmets. Or does it? Another pick-em.
Edge: Pick-em
Wisconsin
Battleground State: Madison dope fiends and Milwaukee freaks ease Kerry down the yellow cheese road.
Edge: Kerry
Wyoming
There, burning malevolently above the open range, the Red Eye of Cheney!
Pick: Definite Bush
The Winner
Good God, I don’t know. Go Kerry, beat W, and give us some hope! Rooting is allowed.
