As the Vatican responds to its American crisis with the speed of a carrier fleet practicing K-turns in a Venice canal, we can expect rival faiths to take advantage of the turmoil with direct appeals to disenchanted Catholics. Some will rely on old-fashioned, door-to-door evangelism, but others may prefer a more modern approach, notching conversions by the thousands with celebrity endorsements. Catholics are hurting, however, and other faiths must approach them with care and understanding. With that in mind, I offer suggestions to three savvy religions that might market themselves to the Catholic laity.
The Church of England
The Anglicans need to employ a respected British celebrity who is also well known in America, like Michael Caine or Madonna. In a series of TV and radio commercials, as well as full-color, direct-mail brochures, the spokesperson, Caine, let’s say, will list all the ways Anglicans are like Episcopalians who, in turn, are a little bit like Catholics. He will enumerate the many beliefs, rituals, and traditions the two faiths share. Then, smiling at the camera, he’ll sum up the main point: ‘The Church of England is a lot like the Catholic Church. Only without all the Irish.’ Caine will then tilt his head back and make the ‘drinky-drinky’ motion with his hand.
The Church of Scientology
Scientology, the youngest and most litigious of our religions, has actively recruited Hollywood types for years and might be in the best position to roll out celebrity testimonials for the faith. Given the sensitivity Catholics feel toward the perceived disingenuousness of their own leaders in the recent scandal, I recommend that Scientologists address them with complete candor. Eschewing slick production values, they should tape a series of half-hour infomercials with Jenna Elfman sitting behind a desk Ross-Perot style. Using plain language and referring to simple charts and graphs, Jenna can explain that human beings were created as host organisms for billions of tiny aliens from another galaxy. Scientology, Jenna will tell us, is primarily concerned with breeding a special male child who, unlike the rest of us, is not the flesh puppet of miniature spacemen. Following a ritual birth, the little boy will be possessed by the spirit of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, who, in this untainted incarnation, will at last free the human race from the clutches of the evil space prince Xenu. While waiting for that to happen, less-famous church members can occupy themselves by dry-walling John Travolta’s pool house. Experts claim that Catholics may quibble with some of the theological details, but Scientology apologists counter that L. Ron Hubbard is not as ridiculous a god as one might think, and that ‘bad science fiction writer’ is no more or less humble an occupation than ‘carpenter.’ According to USA Today, however, when people are asked whom they would choose as their Messiah, Frederick Pohl loses out to Ty from Trading Spaces by a margin of nearly seven-to-one.
The Lutheran Church
For over 400 years, troubled times for Catholics have proven to be wonderful ‘I told you so’ opportunities for the Lutherans. To put a hip spin on the debate, I suggest refashioning the Carole King-penned dance hit ‘Locomotion,’ for a music video in which Kylie Minogue* posts an updated version of the ‘95 Theses’ on a discotheque door, thus attracting a new generation of youthful reformers:
‘Reformation 2002’
Everybody’s joining
The Lutheran Church now,
(Come on baby
Do the Reformation)
There are many Protestants
But we were the first now,
(Come on baby
Do the Reformation)
Male and female ministers
Can marry and date,
But the only path to heaven’s
With the gift of God’s grace,
So come on, come on
Do the Reformation with me.
So don’t
Recant your terms now,
Come on Marty
Stand up, stand firm
There’s gonna be an
Inquisition at the Diet of Worms,
Woah woah
Luther nailed his grievances
To the church door now,
(Come on baby
Do the Reformation)
The rich could buy forgiveness
And leave hell to the poor now,
(Come on baby
Do the Reformation)
Rome was getting angry
So Mart went on the run,
And then the Pope went postal
When he married a nun
So come on, come on
Do the Reformation with me
Oh yeah
Do the Reformation
Do the Reformation
Yay, yay, yay, yeah…
Come along with me
And the Reformation
(Come on baby
Do the Reformation)
Burn the papal bull of Ex-
Communication,
(Come on baby
Do the Reformation)
Baptism and Communion
Are important to us
But all the other sacraments
We gave the bum’s rush
So come on, come on
Do the Reformation
Come on, come on
Do the Reformation
Come on, come on
Do the Reformation with me
The Reformation come on, come on (repeat seven times)
Do the Reformation with me
*The author has no idea if Kylie Minogue is a Lutheran. It is, at best, an educated guess.
