The Thousand
An excerpt of Kevin Guilfoile's new novel, The Thousand, about a group of mavericks safeguarding and exploiting the secret teachings of Pythagoras.
Kevin Guilfoile
November 4-3
Did you notice Palin's blatant dressing down for the cameras when she went to the polls this morning? I know she's still stinging from the $150,000 wardrobe, but come on. Wear your nice jeans, at least. It's election day, not a bass tournament.
November 4
Before I weigh in with my predictions for tonight, I want to point to your contest once again, for anyone who hasn't entered yet. We've been getting some informed entries as well as some excellent emails this morning from people excited about the election today. Energy
Election Day
It's down to simple probability now. John McCain's last chance at winning this thing relies on a bunch of "and" statements. McCain needs to win Indiana AND Missouri AND Ohio AND Virginia AND Pennsylvania, etc. Obama's path consists of "or"
November 1
When I said we were sending Obama to "vanquish the bully" I meant that I hoped we can replace a thuggish and bullying administration with something far more intelligent and pragmatic, leadership that is more inclusive and that has a much better sense of history. As you say,
October 29
I voted yesterday. On the surface early voting seemed very Eastern Bloc. There were forms to fill out followed by a long wait in an uncomfortable chair. Most of the other people in the room were elderly and female and frequently babushka'd. It just felt like I was
October 26
Friday morning I ran to the store with my boys. It was just before noon when I rolled up to the checkout, my cart loaded with groceries and toddlers. A man with a blue jumpsuit and gold chain got in line behind me with a chilled six pack of High
October 23
That list of celebrities who "lean right" is hilarious in its pointlessness. The premise, of course, is that Hollywood is notoriously liberal and so any actor who would buck the trend as a vocal conservative must be a maverick of some sort. So why is it loaded with
October 21
I've received a lot of email about last Friday's letter in which I noted that Obama was planning an outdoor rally in downtown Chicago on election night and warned Republican operatives that, if it looked like there were polling shenanigans on election night, Obama supporters would
October 17
Joe the Plumber turned out to be the James Frey of this election, in that he's not named Joe, he's not a licensed plumber, he probably couldn't afford to buy the business he said he wants to buy, even if he did buy it,
October 16
To answer your question, I ran a very McCainsian campaign for student council president. I was the sitting student council vice president and yet somehow ran on a platform of change. The responsibilities of student council at my school were pretty much limited to putting on dances so the three
October 14
Virtually everything I know about the subject I learned from my high school economics teacher Ron Head. Mr. Head also taught social studies and, as illustrated quirkily in this New York Times article he was also Justice of the Peace, which means that, although he wasn't a lawyer,
October 10
Am I worried? I'm a novelist, which is the opposite of a "secure, steady job." My wife works in the financial industry. The last few weeks I've pretty much walked around with my face twisted into a silent, Munchian scream. I look like Cameron
October 9
I think John McCain's biggest problem at this point is that he doesn't like Barack Obama enough. Last week you and I talked about polls showing that middle-class and independent voters were identifying with Barack Obama. That they liked him. Analysis of those numbers over at
October 7
According to a new CNN poll, 60% of us think an economic depression is "likely." This is one of those classic news polls where they ask a bunch of random people a question they couldn't possibly know the answer to so they can breathlessly announce the
October 4
I think Sarah Palin might have a point with this Bill Ayers business. I'm not talking about her desperate attempt to frame Barack Obama as being "pals" with "terrorists who would target their own country." Even McCain's own advisors have confessed this
October 3
Well, the Republicans finally got their pit bull back on a leash last night and this morning I suspect she'll be shoved back into her travel cage. After a week in which Sarah Palin was allowed to run rabid across CBS News, brutally savaging McCain's credibility
October 1
Before I tell you how it could get worse for Sarah Palin, I have to confess, just for the record, that I have a little pastor problem of my own. My freshman year of college, I signed up for a class because it fit into my schedule. I don'
Sept 30
Somebody missed a real leadership moment yesterday. After the bailout bill failed, John Boehner and Roy Blunt, the top two Republican lawmakers in the House, held a press conference in which they blamed the defeat on a mean speech Nancy Pelosi gave right before the vote. There were about a
Volley 1
It was McCain's bad luck that the Bush Administration chose the week of the foreign policy debate for its final (maybe?) stroke of incompetence--blowing up the financial industry. I mean what was Bush thinking? You can send poor people to die in an ill-conceived war, or fuel the
Welcome to the Palindrome
The GOP's V.P. pick has been a doozy, though the reasons behind it are anybody's guess--and guess they have. In search of answers, Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner recon the brain of John McCain.
The Ace of Self-Pity
As she reaches the end of her deck, Clinton has exhausted almost all her moves--even going so far as to suggest her opponent might be assassinated. Our commentators search for a more peaceful ending.
The Bitterest Pill
Her campaign beaten and bruised, Hillary won't concede defeat, and proves she's willing to do anything to get elected. With a comeback unlikely, our commentators wonder what she'll try next--now and after the election.
Running and Screaming
Give us a nominee or give us death. The Pennsylvania primary is here, and with it may come the end of our nightmarish nomination process. Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner on what's truly making Americans bitter: politics.
The Hottie and the Nottie
As the battle for the Democratic nomination tightens, Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner look back at the candidates that have been left behind, theorize about what constitutes plagiarism, and wonder about the Clinton political monster that wasn't.
If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be 2008
With Super Tuesday upon us, Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner assess the remaining field of competitors, have the audacity to hope, and break down the candidates into the kinds of VHS-or-Beta terms we can understand.
The Huckaboom and the Obamawagon
In the weeks before the 2004 election, Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner opped and edded their way through the debates, issues, and differences in hair. With just 299 days left in the 2008 race, they sharpen their quills.
Hail Ira
Rosemary's Baby author Ira Levin died this week--and it wasn't a lousy book review that killed him.
Forgive the Drummer Some
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we solve the greatest mystery known to rock-and-rollers of every generation: how to find a decent drummer.
The Obit Laureate
The first installment of our occasional series in which we transform recent Times obituaries--a gong striker, a burger matriarch, a bagpipe virtuoso--into light verse.
God or No God
Is that a benevolent deity inside your briefcase or is Loki just happy to see you? Introducing the game show that's got Americans clutching their prayer books: It's God or No God with Howie Mandel! Atheists, watch out!
Umbra Malta
While in Napa for our 10th anniversary, my wife and I marveled at the simplicity of the Umbra Malta toilet-paper holder in our hotel bathroom. It led to a lengthy and unromantic discussion over Shiraz that evening about how it was possible that this simple and obvious design could have
Epitafios
The 13-part series Epitafios was originally produced for HBO Latin America and currently is running on HBO's farm channel, HBO Signature, apparently because Cathouse fans can't handle the subtitles. Intense, gruesome, sophisticated, smart; it's a poor choice for children or for those who like
The Week
Full disclosure: I started reading The Week, a weekly recap of news and opinion, after I contributed a short piece last year and they signed me up for a complimentary subscription. I quickly became addicted. My wife and I subscribe to four newspapers, but I still find the concise collection
PocketMod
PocketMod is a free internet app that turns any piece of paper into a customizable, completely portable (and totally disposable) personal organizer, with note pages, grids, calendars, conversion tables, and even a SuDoku if you're so inclined. Perfect for days when even your Moleskine is inconveniently bulky. Recommended
NPR Podcasts
Here's the maddening thing about toddlers. They prefer Murray Wiggle to Nina Totenberg. Being a stay-at-home dad has seriously cut into my radio time, but NPR podcasts have become my time-shifting heroes. Subscribe by category or just download the most popular stories of each day. Will do for
The Saturday Financial Times
If you want to know how European capitalists spend their copious amounts of disposable income and leisure time there is no more entertaining source than the Saturday Financial Times. The FT Weekend section has excellent coverage of books, music, film, art, theater, fashion, architecture, wine, food, and travel, all from
The Staircase
The Staircase is a French documentary mini-series about the murder trial of American novelist Michael Peterson, accused in 2001 of murdering his wife in their home. The defense gave the filmmakers incredible access to strategy sessions, and every episode has a thrilling twist or revelation that would be considered improbable
Mantle
Narrated by Bob Costas, Mantle, HBO's documentary on Yankee great Mickey Mantle, has terrific old footage and interviews everybody--teammates, celebrities, the wife, AND the mistress. It's appropriately reverent of Mickey's abilities but doesn't flinch when discussing his faults. The scene in which
The Tour, Chapter Three
A national book tour means many cars, planes, handlers and book-signings. It also means a table of elderly Southern women with specific questions about fertility clinics.
The Tour, Chapter Two
If you make an ass of yourself on the Dennis Miller show, will anyone notice? If you don't acknowledge that Beyoncé is Beyoncé, will she care?
The Tour, Chapter One
Ever imagine reading to a cheering stadium of millions? How about a single, disinterested Barnes & Noble customer? It's one thing to write a book; it's another to publicize it.
Obit.
In 2001 Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the election behind us, they discuss Bush’s victory, what the Democrats have to do between now and 2008, and what we’re supposed to do with all this time on our hands.
A Week Away
In 2001 Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: the possible effects of such last-minute topics as lesbians, pejoratives, and c
Master Debating
In 2001 Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: debating the debates of the debates.
Improving Kerry
In 2001 Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: how to fix Kerry’s image.
Flip-Flops & Conventions
In 2001, our commentators lampooned the new president in their book, My First Presidentiary. Now, with the real possibility of four more Bush years, they discuss the issues facing today’s voters. This week: what we meant when we said what we meant, and going completely rhetorical.
Not Fade Away
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we go back through our priest's record collection to find out when the music died.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair In Hell: The Mad Minister From Circle Six, Part I
In the fourth chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a controversial film has Hell up in arms! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth.
The Pop-Off King
Though dancers occasionally kick one another, writers are alone among artists in using their craft to attack each other. A report on Stephen King's new decision to join the vipers.
The Indignant Correspondence of Folksy Ken Oakley
Liz Phair is not the first artist to fight bad reviews with worse allegories—folk artist Ken Oakley invented the genre. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the only musician to have 184 albums panned in Rolling Stone.
The Columbia Letters
In 2001, the book My First Presidentiary came out, authored by KEVIN GUILFOILE and John Warner, and quickly became a best seller. A college student contacted the authors with a simple question. They responded with glee.
The Wedding Party
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we tell you what to do when hundreds of people RSVP for your wedding and then don't show up.
Poetry for Your Girlfriend
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we play the eloquent Cyrano to an anonymous Christian, and script poesy for the tongue-tied.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair in Hell: The Secret of the Burning Canvas
In the third chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, the lost plays of Sophocles are discovered in an art fair, possibly to be lost again! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth.
MetaFilter in the Ruins
When the apocalypse comes, when the world ends as we know it, you can bet someone will be updating the Blue.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair in Hell: The Mystery of the Antenoran Chant
In the second chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a mystery is uncovered on the way to Walt Whitman’s Super Bowl party. KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair in Hell
Hell is full of mystery and chain hardware stores. Who would’ve known? Kevin Guilfoile, that’s who, as he follows Madalyn, amateur detective, in the first chapter of her adventures in the underworld.
Buttons
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we settle the question of why men's and women's buttons are on different sides of the split. And history takes a back seat.
Transcending Spaces
A television show rolls into town, interior designers and carpenter in tow. Two sets of neighbors trade houses in a decorating scheme to surprise each other. Sound familiar? Well, it did. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports.
When in Rome
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we travel to Italy to settle the age-old question of doing or not-doing as Romans.
Bienvenue au Musée Renteria
Like many modern painters, the extremely famous Renteria had issues with women. Our writer shares a guide he picked up at Renteria’s museum.
The Half-Assed Handyman
Are your screws loose? Is the house falling apart? Call the Half-Assed Handyman! KEVIN GUILFOILE walks us through proper fence gate repair and the best way to fix a lawnmower handle.
John Ashcroft's 2002 College Football Preview
Thanks to the 2001 PATRIOT Act, we can learn the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men. The time is upon us to take this information and put it to good use: predicting the 2002 college-football champions.
I Know You're Lonely for Words That I Ain't Spoken
Most people know that Bruce Springsteen has a new album out. But everyone knows that a man, shouting at Springsteen, partly inspired the new songs.
Spam Poet
Do you see that detritus in your inbox as fodder for verse? No? Then meet the Spam Poet, who takes everyday junk mail and turns stink into stanza. KEVIN GUILFOILE waxes poetically.
Surrey With the Syringe on Top
In the cutthroat world of playwriting, where a good line means the difference between fame and famine, many authors fall victim to the lure of performance-enhancing drugs.
What Are You, Drunk?
A new study on binge drinking from the Harvard School of Public Health slides off the stool, falls down, and admits that it really didn't know what it was talking about earlier, with all that "research" business.
Casual Fan Fiction
A story based on characters in the popular NBC drama The West Wing written by a guy who usually runs the vacuum between Ed and Law & Order.
The Mediator on Gay Marriage
Before arguments come to a head, they should come to The Mediator. Here The Mediator solves an issue rife with debate: gay marriage. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the new ground rules.
Catch a Falling Catholic
Will the recent rash of pedophilia charges against the Catholic Church cause a drop in membership? If so, might those disenchanted Catholics be interested in joining the competition?
Pascal's Wagering
Even great philosophers must eat, go to the bathroom, iron their shirts, get dumped. Like all of us, some live great lives, most suffer. But none can avoid the troubles of being human.
The First Rule of Book Club
Chicago versus New York: sure, we know whose pizza is better, but what about their city-wide book reading programs? A stern lecture about our relative civic hopes, fears, and lazy habits.