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Spoofs & Satire

Photograph by Sharyn Morrow

She Ordered Sausage

After his job is jeopardized by unwanted advances toward a co-worker, a writer revises a porn script while undergoing harassment-prevention training.

MOMMY BANGERS, EPISODE 105:
SHE ORDERED SAUSAGE


PIZZA DELIVERY BOY ENTERS MANSION

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: How much do I owe you for this large sausage pizza?

DELIVERY BOY: Uh, $10.50.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Oh no! My husband’s on a business trip, and I forget where he keeps the money. How can I pay you for this?

DELIVERY BOY: Uh, I could make a sexual quid-pro-quo invitation and you could welcome it.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Ooh… or… (PULLING TUBE TOP OVER HEAD) you could respond to my sexually interested cues in a respectful and non-threatening manner.

DELIVERY BOY: Aw, yeah…and let me clarify that I’m expressing sexual attraction to you not because of your race, which goes unrecognized to my eyes, but because you have big fun boobs that I’m in a hurry to squeeze.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: I understand that distinction, and I’m comfortable with it.

DELIVERY BOY: Now, are there any people around here who we might offend by doing this?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: No, there is no one here.

DELIVERY BOY: So you’re telling me that we’re two consenting adults who are alone and want to have sex outside of the workplace?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Uh-huh.

DELIVERY BOY: I’m getting hard. Say that again.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: We’re two consenting adults who are alone and want to have sex outside of the workplace.

DELIVERY BOY: Are you trying to make me come right now?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: No, I’m not!

DELIVERY BOY DROPS PANTS AND WAGS ERECT PENIS AT HORNY HOUSEWIFE

DELIVERY BOY: You look like a good little girl who likes to post the official sexual harassment policy and preventative measures brochure in your department, huh?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Uh-huh….

DELIVERY BOY: I’ll bet you monitor the working environment to make sure behavior that may be perceived as sexual harassment stops.

WAGGING CONT.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Oh, God, you know that’s right….

DELIVERY BOY: I’ll bet you raise the subject in staff meetings and express strong disapproval.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: …I’m so wet.

DELIVERY BOY: Would you care to have sex at this time?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Oh, yeah….

DELIVERY BOY: I’m going to begin having sex with you. And by the way, your race has nothing to do with my attraction to you, or my impression of you.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: That is also true on my part: your race, which I haven’t recognized, plays no role in my interest in you or my appraisal of your character.

THEY GO TO A LEATHER COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM

DELIVERY BOY: Tell me how you like it.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Give it to me like you want to recruit and retain the best employees by providing a harassment-free workplace.

REVERSE COWGIRL

DELIVERY BOY: That’s how you like it?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Oh, hell yeah—give it to me like the kind of man who would contact the E.E.O.C. Compliance Officer for advice in the event of a complaint regarding sexual harassment!

ROTARY BASSET HOUND

DELIVERY BOY: Ooh, you’re a dirty girl.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Oh yes…I’m a dirty little girl who knows exactly what I want.

DELIVERY BOY: What do you want?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: I reallllly want to make the workplace safe by discouraging offensive graffiti, unwanted touching, and uninvited visits to a co-worker’s hotel room during conferences!

DELIVERY BOY: (GROANS)

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: At least once a year, I want to conduct training sessions for supervisors and managers that are separate from the employee sessions!

DELIVERY BOY: Aw, shit…hold up.

DELIVERY BOY APPLIES PRESSURE TO PERINEUM TO STOP HIMSELF FROM COMING

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: And although the Supreme Court has never addressed the issue and the lower federal courts are all over the map with their decisions, I want the sexual harassment of gays and lesbians to be included under the umbrella of Title VII!

DELIVERY BOY: You’re a nasty freak whose race is unimportant to me…

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Despite the lack of judicial guidance in this area, prudent employers should assume that this type of sexual harassment is illegal as well!

DELIVERY BOY: (HE COMES) Oh, shit. I’m sorry.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: (DISAPPOINTED) It’s OK.

DELIVERY BOY: I tried to hold off—

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Uh-huh.

DELIVERY BOY: I kept trying to think about an office manager being made uncomfortable by supervisors who regularly told sexually explicit jokes…

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Mm—hmm.

DELIVERY BOY: …or several employees posting sexually explicit jokes on an office intranet bulletin board…but then you started talking about appellate court rulings on sexual harassment of gays and lesbians in the workplace and your conviction that despite the debate over this issue, they should enjoy the same protection as heterosexual employees…I’m a red-blooded boy…

HORNY HOUSEWIFE; Yeah…well…(SHE LEANS IN TO HIS EAR AND WHISPERS SEDUCTIVELY) how about a little role-play?

DELIVERY BOY: Uh, OK.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: (EXAGGERATED, WIDE-EYED) Excuse me, sir? You have some cartoons hanging in your office that make me uncomfortable.

DELIVERY BOY: (SMILING) Oh, do I?

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: Yes, you do. They depict sexually explicit material that makes me feel self-conscious.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE, MOANING, SUCKS DELIVERY’S BOYS FINGERS

DELIVERY BOY: Oh, well, I’m sorry—I didn’t realize that they might offend anyone. I’ll take them down right away. No problem.

HORNY HOUSEWIFE: (SQUEEZING DELIVERY BOY’S RAGING ERECTION) Thanks.

Jen Spyra is a writer/comedian who lives, writes, and performs in Chicago. Some people think that she is a genius; others believe she has average abilities. Jen doesn’t know if she’s a genius or a normal person, but she does know that she likes money. If want to give her some, contact her to set up a discrete meeting at a bustling public locale. More by Jen Spyra