The Non-Expert

You Say You Want a Resolution

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we conjure a New Year’s vow for a quitter who needs something new to quit.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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Question: Last year I resolved to quit smoking. The year before I resolved to quit smoking. Since I’m not quitting smoking, what should I quit instead? —Sam

Answer: Quit being so hard on yourself.

Quit being such a baby.

Just quit it.

Or better yet: Quit NOT teaching yourself how to move objects using telekinesis.

Think about it: How fucking cool would that be? You’re just chillaxing on the couch and—dammit!—you suddenly realize the remote is all the way across the room. You’re comfortable. You don’t really want to get up and grab it. But if you just concentrate really, really, really hard… you don’t have to move a muscle! Next thing you know it’s hovering above the coffee table, ready to be received by the welcoming embrace of your favored hand. Or, even better, screw the remote. Just use your mind-boggling abilities to change the controls manually on the set. Booyah!

And that is just the beginning, my friend.

Contrary to what you might think, telekinesis is really not that difficult to perform, although I’ve never been able to do it sober. It simply requires a little more concentration and discipline than today’s average ADD-inflicted person is willing to give. Allow me to get you started with some tips to hone your skills and put mind over matter once and for all.

Be the Spoon Watcher

That is, don’t try to bend the spoon. Feel the force between your being and that of the spoon. Don’t think; instead, meditate, visualize, concentrate. The minute you start thinking, “I need to bend this goddamned spoon already,” you’ve muddled the natural magnetic forces necessary to do so.

Rather, let the spoon bend itself. Just look at the spoon and wait. While this may take a while, it is bound to happen. Eventually. Leave the spoon sitting over an operational Bunsen burner. This may help, as the colorful flame will provide an effective visual diversion at which to aim your concentration.

Words Speak Louder Than Action

As mentioned above, you shouldn’t really try to do anything—physically, that is—to perform telekinesis. Remember: You’re not a Jedi Knight. Star Wars probably isn’t even real. Waving your hand around while being all “vwoooosh, vwoooosh” isn’t going to make matters any better.

Instead, simply yell at the object you are trying to move. Say things like “Move, you son of a bitch!” or “Get going, asshole!” Don’t let it break your concentration, of course, but keep in mind that intimidation and fear can be highly motivational weapons. Scare movement into whatever it is you are trying to move.

This works particularly well when you are trying to move house cats.

Be Aware of Your Surroundings

Successfully executing telekinetic movement relies not only on your ability to harness the natural energy from your own mind and spirit, but also on finding an environment conducive to the free flow of said natural energy.

Stand in a wind tunnel or generally windy place. This will nearly always increase your chances of success, especially when trying to move leaves, garbage, or a random pedestrian’s hair. If an object happens to be already moving, you can make it move faster or slower, depending on whether it speeds up or slows down.

If you don’t have wind where you live (where do you live?), or are agoraphobic, you could try hiring a feng shui expert to revamp your home or apartment. Translated literally, feng shui means “wind and water.” Rather than trying to achieve a balance between these elements for the purpose of sustaining wellbeing, instead instruct your feng shui expert to go heavy on the feng, light on the shui. While your chi might become totally fucked, rendering you vulnerable to general lethargy, headaches, and perhaps malaria, such a maneuver could very well create some helpful wind inside your abode.

Also: fans. Get a shitload.

Find Friends and Allies

A strong support network is vital when trying to learn a new skill or trade. Organizations like the Astral Society, the Psychic Guild, and welcome and encourage the exploration of telekinetic powers. Sign up to receive newsletters, cryptic emails, and invitations to ineffectual rallies and events.

Also, when attempting to understand how something is able to move inexplicably from one place to another, there is no better example than electrons. Acquaint yourself with as many of these as you can. Just don’t let their negativity discourage you in your quest.

Quit Physics

In order to succeed at telekinesis you’re going to have to completely disassociate yourself from the laws of the natural universe. This means, among other things, that you must also learn to fly, be able to induce earthquakes out of your ass, and earnestly begin believing that Roger Clemens will pass any and all administered polygraph tests.

If that all seems too daunting, I’m sorry. But telekinesis takes practice, discipline, and quite a bit of money to buy the products that will ultimately enable you to perform it. I never said it would be easy. I only implied it.

And one more thing: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Vwoooosh.