Pope Fabulous
Pope Francis's recent remark that he would not judge gay priests was a revolutionary moment for the church—a moment, in fact, worth twerking into verse.
Eric Feezell
Everyone Popes
Former Pope Benedict XVI has left the Vatican, returning to his former life. But even with the church's retirement package, how can private citizenship compare? A poem for Mr. Ratzinger.
The Pleading of President Forty-Four
The White House has been lauded for its grassroots internet campaigns to raise money. But what happens when a man takes the president's messages too personally?
What's On?
With more than 70 TV show premieres this fall, who has time to watch them all? Or even know what any of them are about? With no prior knowledge of the shows' premises, here are some guesses.
Man-barrass Your Way to Love
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we show you how a well-chosen nickname can bend your mate’s will.
Everyone Must Go
You've seen the billboards and the banner ads: Judgment Day is coming on May 21. But just because you're saved doesn't mean you're home-free. Brimstone Barney's Apocalypse Surplus has just the deal for you.
Zodiac Gemstone Food Pairings
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, we offer dream analysis with multiple charts to a reader whose rice turned to rocks.
The Answer, My Friend
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. To help a reader determine which Dylan album is best, we arrive at every possible solution. Introducing "Your Best Bob Dylan Album Calculator."
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we advise a reader on what he should buy his girlfriend for their anniversary.
'Tussin
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we assist a college student who's swimming in dirty laundry and drowning in cough syrup.
Making the Bird
To entertain themselves and their friends, two brothers formed a band, Birdhead. Now one traces the history of "the critically acclaimed power duo from Rancho Cucamonga."
How to Buy a Car
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we demonstrate to a wary customer how best to maneuver the purchase of a new car, while keeping accidental singes to a minimum.
Fallen Heroes
Every day, on street corners and in shopping centers across the nation, hungry mouths get their fill of authentic, toasted Italian cuisine. A one-act play.
Cocktail Flu
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. We offer tried-and-true excuses for calling in sick to work, including examples of the maladies we can claim to hide the malady we have.
Transitioning
Two candidates are vying for the White House--as are their decorators. Planning for a January move-in date, both teams have ideas for ways to ensure a smooth handover.
Of Thee I Zing
In the two weeks since she became John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin has made her mark--most notably for her aggressive joke-telling. Since the Democrats are unwilling to jibe back, here are some punchlines.
Smoke and Mirrors
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. In this week's installment we explain why the objects in passenger-side mirrors are closer than they appear: It could be something you ate.
Ladies First
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we solve the origins of "Mrs.," and present a new nomenclature to fill the gender gap, once and for all.
Identity Crisis
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we (or someone claiming to be us) detail many popular methods for stealing identities.
Begging the Question
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we explain the phrase nobody understands in terms everyone can understand. For the most part.
You Say You Want a Resolution
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we conjure a New Year's vow for a quitter who needs something new to quit.
Life After Masturbation
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we advise a mother who's walked in on her son during a private moment.
Strictly Business
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we instruct a future MBA in the art of networking. That sound? The last gasp of your ethics.
Unfortunate
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader assess the accuracy of the fortune cookie he just opened.
Happily Heifer After
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we point out the differences between non-organic and organic cows--in words only an organic cow would comprehend.
Hooking It Up
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we apply cold logic to a hot topic: How can pre-adolescent hockey players become sexually active?
Cat Heathens
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a reader decide whether she should send her antisocial, over-meowing feline to the big litter box in the sky.
That Boy
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a family travel safely to Chicago, and urge them to protect their daughter from the boyfriend from hell.
American Capitalism
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a poor man figure out how to make the system work—by any means necessary.
Gleesome Threesome
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we help a confused young woman make the best of a beast with three backs.
Second Lust
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we offer moral guidance to a reader who just realized their Second Life avatar bears a striking resemblance to their best friend's wife.
I Did It
When Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning a litany of terror crimes, he was just getting started. More from the al Qaeda mastermind who can't stop confessing.
My Bloodthirsty Valentine
What says true love better than ear-shattering shrieks interspersed with low, guttural growling? If you're in the market for a uniquely thoughtful Valentine's Day present, we have the perfect, possibly rabies-infected gift for you.
Barack to the Drawing Board
With Barack Obama's presidential campaign underway, his advisors are working overtime to make sure their man appeals to the American public, and the first challenge is the name.
Wii Feel Your Pain
Nintendo's gaming system has thrilled many players with its motion-sensing capabilities, some to the point of harm.
Googling for Trouble
The search company has asked that people tread lightly when verbing its name--but can it turn away history's momentum?
The Future of Organized Labor
From economists to politicians, pundits the nation over argue organized labor is fast becoming extinct. If unions survive, it's safe to assume not much will change when it comes to ground-level operations. People, after all, will be people. And robots will be robots.
Raisin Hell
Fitting in is hard to do. Left to your own imagination, is it better to be yourself--or be a California Raisin? A tale of fourth-grade woe.
Do You Have Hipsters?
You've seen the warning signs—now's the time to do something about it. A step-by-step guide on how to rid yourself of a hipster infestation.