Chicago Tribune, Sept. 26, 2006

First Courses

Fresh spinach salad, with non-Californian baby greens, dressed with Fuji apple slices, Japanese walnuts, extra-virgin olive oil, then autoclaved
 
 Caesar salad, eggless and prepared gloved (powder-free) tableside
 
 Wasabi-crusted crab cake, topped with grilled aioli
 
 Potato chowder, with moist towelette
 
 Cheese plate, an assortment of quadruple-pasteurized artisan cheeses, selected daily and served with toast points

Main Courses

Roasted biosphere-range chicken, served with boiled seasonal vegetables, triple-boiled pan juices
 
 Pork shoulder, braised for six weeks and served with raspberry-chili coulis and imitation sweetbreads
 
 Lab-raised salmon, poached and served with grilled frozen asparagus and un-germinated couscous
 
 Fresh-hatched halibut, steamed in ozone-shocked white wine. Served with fennel
 
 Antibiotic-fed rack of lamb in an unfermented brandy reduction, with hydroponic potato puree
 
 Novartis Ranch ground sirloin burger, with or without American cheese (your choice). Served with fries or denuded green salad
 
 Certified GMO grain-fed filet mignon, cooked to well-done perfection. Served with NaCl-crusted baked potato
 
 Irradiated duck confit, served with parsley-infused vitamin mash

Beverages

Ketel Three Percent hydrogen peroxide, shaken with freshly extracted pomegranate juice
 
 San Pellegrino, boiled then chilled to room temperature
 
 Wines: Eli Lilly Non-Organic Chardonnay, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot
 
 Beers: Michelob Ultra

Desserts

Freeze-dried gelato, lavender or country-fresh
 
 Flourless chocolate cake, with Z-pack
 
 Purell, original or sensitive skin