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The Homeland Security Annuals Budget

By Jessica Francis Kane in Spoofs & Satire —

What looks better with sandbags—marigolds or bluebonnets? A privied look at how the decisions are made on what to plant and where, and ways to beautify a bollard.

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Security Planters

All D.C.-Area Government Buildings

  • Pansies, assorted: $6,000 (in tens of thousands)
  • Petunias, assorted: $6,000
  • Marigolds, “Safari” mix: $7,000

Pentagon Special Order

  • Zinnias, “Profusion Orange” (no yellow): $4,500
  • Hosta, “La Vista” mix: $3,500

Justice Department Special Order

  • Remove gloriosa daisies: $500
  • Plant snapdragons: $5,000

White House Special Order

  • Euthanasia (Possibly “Echinacea”? But this is a perennial. Check with Laura.): $10,000

Supreme Court Special Order

  • Remove honesty: Market Price
  • Plant mock orange: $10,000

Texas and Kentucky Courthouses

  • Jack-in-the-pulpit: $200,000

Fixed Bollards (No planting around removable bollards.)

  • Skirts of fern: $5,000

Hedges

  • American boxwood: $60,000 (High cost reflects shortage since Atlanta Olympics. Possible alternative: Order English boxwood from U.K. Publicity angle: “Coalition Hedges.”)

Raised Banks

  • Periwinkle and ivy (Natural black widow habitat. Increase population as additional security measure? Ask Gonzales.): $6,000

Sandbags

  • Dune grass?
  • Bamboo?

Mulch & Compost

  • Ship from Afghanistan