The Übersinner

Wrath

A few months ago, I got rear-ended by this guy.[[1]] This old lady came up to me. She pointed right in my face and screamed and diarrhea started just gushing out of her onto the floor.[[2]]

It was a heavy moment, marred by awkward silence.[[3]] I find a naturalistic understanding of human nature to be indispensable to leading a wise and mature life, and it is often exhilarating.[[4]]

He took off, and I chased him.[[5]]

I was a complete asshole. I would have robbed your medicine cabinet had I been invited to your house.[[6]] I would scream at the ground, clench my fists, and scrape the ground, and cut all my knuckles and rip my nails... I would scream, and scrape, and scratch, and then I would stand and go “GO.”[[7]]

It’s a dark, crazy ride to the final episode but it is a fun one. Yeah, bitch.[[8]]

Greed

Millions of dollars is a good start.[[9]]

I have the sword from Hamlet, I kept a lot of working scripts, I have the jersey from The Replacements, I’ve got Constantine’s lighter and watch, I have Bill & Ted’s shorts (Ted’s shorts), I used to have the leather jacket from My Own Private Idaho but I gave that to a friend.[[10]]

Anybody who has ever built a complex new technological system from scratch knows what I’m talking about.[[11]]

We have a huge soft spot for the young ones and we don’t want them to be raised by meth heads.[[12]]

Lust

I like farting through hotel sheets.[[13]] I ask some actual men to take a peek and tell me if I got anything wrong.[[14]] Age of 80 and a girl’s cock around my mouth![[15]] I’m going to kidnap her and sell her in Venezuela.[[16]]

I was eating at a sushi bar. I would go to sushi bars with a book I had, called Making out in Japanese. It was a small paperback book, with questions like “Can we get into the back seat? Do your parents know about me? Do you have a curfew?” I would say to the sushi chef: “Do you have a curfew? Do your parents know about us? And can we get in the back seat?”[[17]]

I reached into my waistband and pulled out a dildo.[[18]] My wife and I feed ourselves to the dog.[[19]] Making my wife scream with a desperate, ragged orgasm that tore her vocal chords and we had to go to the hospital.[[20]]

I do feel very strongly in stopping the second I feel like I’m not excited anymore, whatever I’m doing.[[21]]

Sloth

You may have noticed that I I tend to quit things soon after doing them, like TV series, animated movies, book writing, Broadway plays.[[22]]

A lot of times when it looks like I’m pondering an answer or a wager, I’m just peeing. So I have Alzheimer’s at 38, basically.[[23]]

I am burned out.[[24]]

Gluttony

I have dined with kings, I have been offered wings, but I have never been too impressed.[[25]]

Schnitzel, Kaiserschmarrn, ice cream. You really can’t go wrong with Austrian food when you want to indulge.[[26]] Tuna, chick peas, pork, kangaroo, rabbit and some others I can’t remember right now.[[27]] I was googling donkeys at donkeyrescue.com, a donkey rescue site, and I realized a donkey would be more work, and that goats would be more low maintenance, so I was led to goats.[[28]]

I got these giant fruit baskets in the mail from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. One had a letter with an apology.[[29]] It was written like it had been done with a butcher knife in red ink. Also, it wasn’t very good.[[30]]

We are transitioning from venison to ostrich. It’s only a matter of time before—like some characters in a Twilight Zone episode—the only meat that’s left is human flesh.[[31]]

Envy

I drink the blood of Kristen Stewart.[[32]] Every day, without fail.[[33]]

The women in my family look young. I think some of it is luck.[[34]]

I’ve got a lion ring that’s pretty cool. And my scar.[[35]]

Pride

You can’t imagine fame. You can only ever see it from an outsider and comment on it with the rueful wisdom of a non-participant.[[36]] I especially love getting Japanese fan letters because they tend to put a lot of stickers all over and draw smiley faces.[[37]]

While I was on the air once, Sam Gyson went into a studio next to me completely nude, eating a banana and scratching himself like a monkey.[[38]]

I would just walk around all day yelling “Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherfucker!” Easy.[[39]] I just need to work on my French pronunciation and my transparently false sympathy at wrong answers.[[40]]

We triggered a seismic event with our show.[[41]] Even extremely intoxicated my strength and knowledge is still in my bones.[[42]] The last punch I threw was in 4th grade and I ruptured a kid’s spleen. Lucky shot. My hands have been in my pockets ever since.[[43]]

[[1]]: Arnold Schwarzenegger

[[2]]: Louis CK

[[3]]: Tony Hawk

[[4]]: Steve Pinker

[[5]]: Arnold Ama

[[6]]: Anthony Bourdain

[[7]]: Gerard Butler

[[8]]: Aaron Paul

[[9]]: Neil Degrasse Tyson

[[10]]: Keanu Reeves

[[11]]: James Cameron

[[12]]: Aaron Paul

[[13]]: Anthony Bourdain

[[14]]: Margaret Atwood

[[15]]: Peter Dinklage

[[16]]: Rainn Wilson

[[17]]: Bill Murray

[[18]]: Bryan Cranston

[[19]]: Ira Glass

[[20]]: Nick Offerman

[[21]]: Jerry Seinfeld

[[22]]: Jerry Seinfeld

[[23]]: Ken Jennings

[[24]]: Jerry Seinfeld

[[25]]: Jón Gnarr

[[26]]: Arnold Ama

[[27]]: Ira Glass

[[28]]: Mary Louise Parker

[[29]]: Matt Damon

[[30]]: John Malkovich

[[31]]: Ira Glass

[[32]]: Molly Ringwald

[[33]]: Ken Jennings

[[34]]: Mary Louise Parker

[[35]]: Peter Dinklage

[[36]]: Benedict Cumberbatch

[[37]]: Mary Louise Parker

[[38]]: Larry King

[[39]]: Mary Louise Parker

[[40]]: Ken Jennings

[[41]]: Dave Grohl

[[42]]: Magnus Carlsen

[[43]]: Jason Bateman