Sign up for our Headlines morning newsletter.

The most interesting things on the web, handpicked each day. Sign up for our Headlines morning newsletter.

Op-Ed

iPod vs. Sliced Bread

Is the iPod better than sliced bread. No, is it really better than sliced bread?

Many publications declared Apple Computer’s portable mp3 player—the iPod—the greatest thing since sliced bread. In the interests of journalistic integrity, we put this claim through a strenuous battery of tests using a 10-gigabyte iPod and a slice of pumpernickel bread. The results:
 

iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 1

Which one makes for a better sandwich?

It’s no fault of the iPod, but jam tastes better with bread.

WINNER: SLICED BREAD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 2

Which one burns up faster?

Neither one will burn up. Burned bread gets you toast which smells good. Burned iPod gets you an awful smell which might get you high.

WINNER: iPOD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 3

Which one makes a better coaster?

The iPod, being sleek and smooth, is more stable and thus better for protecting all your fave antiquing finds from wine spills. But it’s also very small—too small to support a jug or stein. A stale slice of pumpernickel, however, will not only keep your brand off the stand, but soak up the spillage, thus doubling as a recipe for some excellent fondue!!!

WINNER: SLICED BREAD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 4

Which one is better if you’re lost in the woods?

Good luck finding true north with the iPod, which has bells and whistles but no compass. Leaving breadcrumbs behind can at least help you mark where you’ve been—if the woodland fauna don’t snatch it up first. In which case you’re screwed either way ‘cause you’re just going to wind up in some witch’s oven.

WINNER: TIE



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 5

Which one makes a better flotation device?

The iPod doesn’t float and the bread does. But fish and ducks eat bread (especially pumpernickel), so they would find you because they can smell the food. And then their predators, WHICH MAY INCLUDE SHARKS(!!!), might come seeking a quick snack. Being eaten by a shark is a painful death that you should not wish on anyone not even Bubba the bully who spit tobacco in your hair on the school bus. At least with the iPod you sink and drown and that’s the end of it.

WINNER: iPOD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 6

Which one makes a better date?

Well neither one needs much grub, so you’re already saving some pennies for your Saturday afternoons at the arcade. Sliced bread’s a better kisser (tastes good and it’s flexible) but the iPod’s got a more toned body. Plus you’ll never get into any good clubs with sliced bread.

WINNER: iPOD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 7

Which one would you rather bring home to mom?

No matter the culture or creed, moms don’t like headphones. Who knows what kind of filth could be going into your brain without them knowing not to mention THAT THEY’LL MAKE YOUR EARS NOT WORK! Moms don’t realize that you’d rather be deaf and three sheets to the wind than listen to them babble about Auntie Sue and the glee club another time which is why Mr. Headphone Inventor is so rich and deaf because his mom tells THE WORST stories.

WINNER: iPOD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 8

Which one makes a better contraceptive?

WINNER: SLICED BREAD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 9

Which one makes a better tourniquet?

‘Spose your leg meets the prongs of a copperhead and the venom’s slithering through your veins—which do you pick so as not to get poisoned? In a pinch (ha!) the headphone wires of the iPod will keep that slink’s drink right where it is. Your toes and even your foot might be goners but in this age and day being an amputee’s nothing to be ashamed of you freak.

WINNER: iPOD



iPod vs. Sliced Bread ROUND 10

Which one makes a better driving instructor?

Dumb question there, Billie Joe. Neither one has arms or legs, which are required for being a driving instructor in many countries, including these United States.

WINNER: TIE



CONGRATULATIONS SLICED BREAD YOU ARE THE WINNER!