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The Mediator on Gay Marriage

Before arguments come to a head, they should come to The Mediator. Here The Mediator solves an issue rife with debate: gay marriage. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the new ground rules.

When the Mediator is summoned to resolve a dispute he will meet the parties only at a place called ‘Halfway.’ Persons seeking an ‘all-or-nothing’ resolution should not call The Mediator. They want The Arbitrator. The Mediator can give you his number.
‘At some point in our lives, some of us are lucky enough to meet the person we truly love. And we want to commit to that person in front of our family and country for the rest of our lives.’
—Andrew Sullivan, former editor of The New Republic
‘As Rome burned, Nero fiddled. The flames of hedonism, the flames of narcissism, the flames of self-centered morality are licking at the very foundations of our society, the family unit.’
—Rep. Bob Barr (GA), sponsor of the Defense of Marriage Act


Homosexuals are not to refer to each other as ‘husband,’ ‘wife,’ or ‘spouse,’ nor may they use traditionally hetero terms of endearment such as ‘honey,’ ‘sweetheart,’ or ‘babe.’ Acceptable are ‘partner,’ ‘companion,’ and ‘I think you’ve met my friend Joe.’ Heterosexual couples must always address each other in their normal speaking voices and are not to engage in ‘baby talk,’ except when speaking to an actual baby. This prohibition applies to pets, particularly cats, but not baby cats.


Wedding bands must be worn on the right hand by homosexual couples, and on the left hand by heterosexuals. No exceptions. This rule will be strictly enforced in order to avoid a repeat of the ‘right ear/left ear’ diamond-stud fiasco of the late ‘70s.


Heterosexuals shall limit their number of ‘bridal showers’ to one, unless two or more bridesmaids are not speaking, in which case a second ‘couples shower’ is permitted, at which gifts shall be limited to barware or tools. Homosexuals may register at the department store of their choice, although not for the following flatware patterns: ‘Buttercup,’ Old Atlanta,’ ‘Aegean Weave,’ or, obviously, ‘John and Priscilla.’


At the reception, gay couples may hire a DJ, but not a band (see ‘Chamber-Music/Folk-Duo Exception’). The DJ shall be instructed to avoid any song on the attached list (and please note the ‘Proud Mary’ addendum). Heterosexual couples forfeit songs by Erasure, and tunes from all post-Oklahoma, non-Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Gay and straight couples agree to share Sinatra, Streisand, Elton John, and ABBA, but gays will put in writing that straights can have ‘YMCA’ to themselves. Until the courts resolve a related custody dispute, the music of Cole Porter is off-limits to both parties.


Gay wedding cakes may not reach a height of more than four inches and should be of the ‘bundt’ variety. When cutting the cake for the photographer, homosexuals may not participate in the beloved (although latently hostile) tradition of smearing icing on each other’s faces, but instead should threaten each other comically with broken champagne flutes. Heterosexuals will no longer be required to kiss when a guest begins drumming on the stemware with her spoon. Relatives or friends who wish to make newlyweds kiss must now solve one of five quadratic equations written on a chalkboard near the bar. Show your work.


Homosexuals may adopt up to two children per couple, provided the adoptees, in precognitive testing, do not show an aptitude for team sports. Heterosexuals agree to limit their offspring to a number no greater than the couple’s combined hands and feet. Heterosexuals who find themselves with more children than limbs (due to poor family planning or tractor mishap) may retain custody under the current ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy on breeding.


If the backyard of a homosexual couple features an outdoor pool that is visible from the street, no more than six additional homosexuals of the same gender (in addition to the resident, wedded couple) may be in the pool simultaneously, except for an organized game or activity at which score is kept. Heterosexuals agree to stop defining gays strictly by their sexual orientation and judge them the same way they assess other heterosexuals: by the tidiness, texture, and hue of their lawns.


Homosexual couples will remove rainbow-patterned windsocks and all novelty flags from their porches and decks forthwith. Heterosexuals may not put curtains in their garage window to make it look like a living room from the sidewalk.


Homosexuals may not own a propane grill wider than 36 inches, nor one with more than two warming racks. Heterosexuals can keep the concrete yard geese but must stop dressing them like people.


Both homosexuals and heterosexuals will stop sending their kids to Boy Scouts, which, everyone agrees, is ‘kinda gay.’