Two Minutes and 42 Seconds in Heaven
How many horn solos does it take to kill a perfect pop song? Applying science and taste to determine the exact best length—down to the second—for the platonic song.
Joshua Allen
Haircuts
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we give you the skinny on some of the best tress-work we've sported in the past, all relevant details included.
TiVo'd
Technology can be a scary thing, in the wrong hands. Luckily, there's help. A visit with an analyst about a personal video problem.
Plan 63
With its credibility in the weeds, the White House must find a way to restore its public image before the next election. A privileged glimpse into what's being planned.
I Live in a Motel
Travelers know what to expect from a motel: not much, besides pornography. When our writer is forced to live in one for a month, he finds a bit more to appreciate.
Josh's Creepily Prescient Oscar Picks
It's Oscar time again. But before you drop your paycheck in the office pool on who will snag Best Supporting Whatever, peruse these dead-on predictions for the winners.
Jeremy Bitz Can't Get a Break
In the second installment of our Jeremy Bitz: Unlucky Man series, JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN detail a list of extremely unfortunate events in the life of one man.
Jeremy Bitz Has an Afternoon of Gross Misfortune
Some people are born lucky, others attract misfortune. Unfortunately for Jeremy Bitz, he’s the prince of the latter camp. JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN report on how a few hours can ruin a young man’s day.
Mix Tape for Dead Girl
Writing a eulogy once involved hours of revising and a good thesaurus.
Customer Serviced
The holidays are approaching, and mail-order is king. Gifts, however, are no good unless there’s someone to take your order. Our writer reports from a call center at one of America’s largest retailers.
Friends' Bands I Have Known
For two years, you thought your college roommate's band was going to hit the big time. Then you were sober again.
The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000
The hottest new toy is the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000, a vibrating broom proving popular with lots of little girls. An inside look at its insidious development.
The Alaina Rautio Interview
A controlled rainstorm, dolls that come to life, an accidental fire. Joshua Allen talks with architect Alaina Rautio about a house she built in a bottle in Portland, Maine.
Operation Fish From Hell
The U.S. has many problems right now, but its deadliest threat can grow to three feet long: the Chinese Snakehead. Our reporter goes deep undercover to get the government's reaction to a meat-eating snake.
Brenda Stahler Gets Married
Falling in love is no joking matter; falling in love with your best friend’s girl is ass-whuppin’ time. Our writers recall the woman that came between them.
The Minority Report Trailer
Big-budget movies require big-budget marketing, and you can bet every second of the trailer is accounted for, in impact. We get the inside scoop on Spielberg's new flop.
Pirates and the Navy
Once the scourge of the seven seas, now fuel for ARGHHH... jokes and the parrot industry, pirates seem better suited for Disney World than the Atlantic. However, the Navy was attacked last month by a band of unwashed scurvyites.
Songs From the Big Chair
Music can inspire nostalgia, assigning memories to songs we relish, or would prefer to forget. Elephant-minded JOSHUA ALLEN remembers each track from Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears and sifts the music for a little personal history.
Oprah Cancels Book Club
The fate of literature has always been uncertain. In recent times the path seemed secure, guarded by Updike and Barnes & Noble totes. Then, disaster struck. Publishers crashed their Mercedes, agents sold their leather blazers. Inside the tragedy from within Oprah's private chambers.
President Bush Merges Agencies
Shadow governments, merging powers, churches and children: It's no secret that power breeds concealment. Yet behind the veils of rhetoric, simple men and women are simply doing business, PowerPoint and all.
The Ten Days of Christmas
I’m fingering bath balls like Captain Queeg. Mom’d prefer the, the what, the Serenity, maybe? Or the Sandalwood Rejuvenation? Or better yet just go for the pre-wrapped basket with the goat’s milk soap and lavender sachet? Joshua Allen decks the halls.