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The Non-Expert

Age of Consent

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we instruct a starry-eyed reader in the ways of bagging young Hollywood tail.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.

 

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Question: So I went to go see Superbad, and I thought it was awesome. I also thought the girls in it were REALLY hot. And even though they’re all over 18 (I checked), I’m 37, and they were playing high-schoolers, and I thought they were hot even before I knew they were 18. Am I a perv?—Conrad

Answer: In a word: sorta. But you’re not alone!

Men have always been fascinated by the blossoming of womanhood. When a girl turns 18, something magical happens: The apple-cheeked child disappears, the bedazzled padlock is taken off her immaculate vagina, and any sweaty bastard with a Heineken and a sideways cap can tap that ass. But make a move before that blessed day and district attorneys in eight states are going to mandate your balls be put in a sling. (Eight states might not seem like a lot, except one is California—where all that screen bait you love so much lives.)

To prevent that from happening, we have devised a foolproof system for several of Tinseltown’s leading ladies-to-be. Below you’ll find a personalized instruction manual, along with the time left until they reach the age of consent. Gentlemen, the countdown begins here. And as a great man once said, “I keep getting older, but they stay the saaame age.”

(Note: Those of you looking for information regarding Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen can now find their personalized instructional manual under our sister department, “Countdown to Pornography.”)



Hayden Panettiere

Act now!!! Hayden Panettiere has just turned 18!!!

Who she is: A petite beauty with a bright and playful smile, Hayden Panettiere starred in the surprise hit of last season, Heroes, as a perky blonde cheerleader. You know what that means, right? Flexible.

How you will pick her up: Starlets are immune to compliments. Sometimes the best way to get an 18-year-old starlet’s attention will be by offering slight, backhanded compliments meant to ensnare her interest. We call this the “neg.” Like, “You’re a talentless whore. Wanna screw?” Past students have said that line worked particularly well on Ashlee Simpson.

Caution: Sometimes “negging” a girl will get a drink thrown in your face. This happened to one student who tried to pick up an Olsen twin—though to be fair, that drink had a lot of calories.

Getting busy: A man’s first night with a starlet who just turned 18 is a wondrous event. Do something special to mark the occasion. Take a shower. Remove the crumbs from beneath the folds of your flesh. Toss the crusty socks lingering by your bedside into the hamper. And, buddy, try to make this night last, if you know what I mean. Hey, it happens to every guy. But it doesn’t happen the night Hayden Panettiere turns 18.



Emma Watson

TIME LEFT: 33 weeks, 3 days

Who she is: As the brainy and brave Hermione in the wildly successful Harry Potter series, Emma Watson has literally grown up in front of the camera. But that doesn’t mean that you and your buddies didn’t want to stick it in her somewhere around, oh, midway through part three. Daaaamn, girl is foyyn.

How you will pick her up: With brainy, cerebral types, it is best to assert your quality value as a male. She may be a rich and famous doe, but you are the fox on the prowl. Talk about your high points. Maybe by this time, you will have a job or will have moved out of your grandparents’ basement.

Getting busy: We have received many queries regarding the role of costumes in this momentous night. “Can I ask her to dress up like Hermione?” Or, “Can I ask her to dress up like Harry Potter or the ginger kid?” The answer to this question is a cautious “no.” You don’t want her to think you only like her because she’s Hermione, even though you have to look her name up on IMDB every time you talk about her. Her feelings are important. She’s special. She’s Emily Watts.



Jamie-Lynn Spears

TIME LEFT: 1 year, 32 weeks, 1 day

Who she is: Adorable teen sis of pop tartlet Britney, possessing her famous sibling’s cute button nose and sparkly personality. In other words: slut!

Pickup technique: 12-pack of Molson

Getting busy: We would strongly suggest consulting a lawyer prior to any carnal negotiations between you and Miss Spears.



Suri Cruise

TIME LEFT: 16 years, 7 months, 6 days

Who she is: Beguiling blue-eyed daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Sure, she’s young now—but she won’t always be. Remember Katie Holmes in Dawson’s Creek? After she got tits, but before she turned 18? That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

How you will pick her up: It’s a crisp spring evening in 2024. For you, it would not be untoward to incorporate a Rascal scooter into your pick-up technique. This can be a great conversation starter. Other ways to spark a conversation: “Hey Suri, it must be nice to have all your teeth.”

Getting busy: Remember the lawyer you consulted prior to your negotiations with Miss Spears? Keep him on your speed-dial. When the big night arrives, we suggest choosing a location far, far away from Tom Cruise, especially since lasers now shoot from his fingers. Take our word for it: Those lasers burn. First, however, you will have to sneak Suri out of the Scientology compound where she is kept. The best way is to drop from your wheelchair in the foyer during a personality test and fake like you are having a heart attack. While everyone tries to revive you with the e-meter and reads passages from Dianetics, Suri can sneak out of the padded cell and shimmy down the fire escape, careful not to rip the burlap sack she now wears. When enough time has passed, leap up and tell the Scientologists your engrams are gone, tip them $100 (which is actually $1,000 in 2007 dollars—turns out there really was a real-estate bubble), and meet Suri in the driveway, where you will scramble into your handicap-friendly SUV and race to the airport, hopping the next flight to your secluded coastal villa outside Las Vegas. Be sure you keep watch out the window, however. Remember: Tom Cruise can fly.



Tinkerbell

TIME LEFT: 8 years, 2 weeks, 3 days (in dog years: 1 year, 24 days)

Who she is: Bangin’ toy chihuahua owned by Paris Hilton.

How you will pick her up: Scruff of the neck

Getting busy: We suggest another dog to distract Tinkerbell. Also, bring a plastic bag. On this special night, the last thing you want is a fine.