Spoofs & Satire

America’s Most Frozen

Rapists, murderers, human traffickers—this winter, sedentary criminals are rife in the nation’s parks. Photos of the 11 worst suspects.

Suspect: Serial mugger known to leap from tree limbs onto victims, getting snow down the back of their collars. Do not attempt to resist or pursue—extremely nimble.


Credit: Walt Jabsco

Suspect: Wanted for assault and battery. Known to keep packing snow on his frame long after it’s ceased looking good; probably pours water on himself at night. Totally ignores personal hygiene and is often covered with patches of dirt.


Suspect: Known to approach hikers and ask for directions to Christmas Town, Happiest Place on Earth, before beating them with a heavy stick. No apparent motive for crimes. Thought to be an escaped mental patient. Christmas Town, Happiest Place on Earth, may not exist.


Suspect: Wanted frequently for drunk and disorderly conduct, and involuntarily yellowing his own snow.


Credit: Val Buzeta

Suspects: The Slush Balls, a street gang. New members are made to wear tin-pail hats until they pass initiation.


Credit: BenjaminIsAlreadyTaken

Suspect: Never seen standing. Likes to trick women into thinking he is inanimate. When naive females sit nearby, waiting for a friend to snap a picture, the suspect cops a feel. Note: do not attempt to smash suspect into pieces, he just gets off on this.


Suspect: Another park bench pervert. For God’s sake, just keep moving. Don’t sit. The bench is covered with snow anyway. Distinguishing physical characteristic: Unusually small carrot.


Suspect: Pretends to have trouble understanding what you’re saying (English is not his first language). Then he bites you on the calf. No teeth, though. Perfectly harmless. Just step on him.


Credit: Peter Berger

Suspect: Wanted for rape, murder, armed robbery, and human trafficking.


Credit: Eric Conner

Suspect: Annual grifter. Returns each winter to beg, claiming a terminable disease, then lives comfortably in the Arctic during the warmer months, sipping cold drinks. And laughing.


Suspect: Snow giant—possibly from another dimension—capable of destroying us all. Appears to be gentle. Kill on sight: flame-throwers, Molotov cocktails, blow dryers, anything at your disposal.

Ralph Gamelli has been published in The Big Jewel, McSweeney’s, Monkeybicycle, and Yankee Pot Roast. This is the part where he’s supposed to put down some little joke, but as always he refuses to bow to societal expectations. More by Ralph Gamelli