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Spoofs & Satire

Axis of Evil: Annual Letter to Our Members

‘Tis the time of year for annual reports, holiday cards, and family update letters.

Dear Members States,

As The Axis of Evil nears the end of its fifth year, our prospects have never seemed more full of promise. By all indications, our outlook suggests unprecedented opportunity for us, and impending misfortune for our enemies. Even as we look to the future, we can take great pride in the steps our organization has already made towards destabilizing world peace and security.

Charter members North Korea and Iran continue to set the standard in international fear mongering and W.M.D. development. Both face the next five years with challenging issues to tackle, but even more exciting accomplishments to boast of!

In North Korea, the nuclear program continues as strong as ever. As most of you are no doubt aware, the nuclear test of October 9, 2006 detonated at over 10 times the force of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki blasts. It was a happy harbinger of things to come. In more recent inspiring news, our great benefactor Kim Jong-Il has entered into renewed talks with the West. These talks will no doubt secure millions in emergency food and aid money, thereby funding the completion of the highly anticipated squadron of giant battle robots.

Though the construction of our Death Star continues to progress significantly, there have also been some serious delays. There will be no more delays.Meanwhile, as most of you are no doubt aware, executive chairman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is fast becoming one of the West’s biggest celebrities. Even as Iran’s weapons arsenal grows to a size that would have had the Allied Powers quivering, Mahmoud distracts and bedazzles the media with his charming antics. In his latest coup, he has duped the world into believing his nuclear program has long been at a standstill. Meanwhile, our Iranian representatives report that at the current rate of progress, Iran will likely have functional nuclear warheads by seven a.m. tomorrow. And a nuclear missile-equipped spaceship by this weekend.

Within the organization, the past five years have been marked by a variety of structural and organizational improvements. Though there are too many to cover here, we have outlined a few of the highlights below:

  • The creation of a separate A. of E. Human Rights Abuse Council at the Axis Assembly in 2004 was a vital step in cementing our mission. Since then, each year the High Commissioner for the Abuse of Human Rights has presented a report with guidelines for exacerbating current conditions. This has proved essential for improving upon the methods of devilry and torture for all minions.

  • The Chemical Weapons Training Program, with campuses in Tehran and Pyongyang, has now granted over 300 Masters of Science degrees in Biological Warfare and 18 Ph.D.’s in Chemical Genocide. We should all be proud of the A. of E. educational programs, and we hope to double the endowment by the end of the decade. This goal is of particular note, as the alumni are threatening chemical repercussions should we fall short of this.

  • The induction in late 2002 of diabolical partners Libya and Syria was a great success. Unfortunately, the loss of charter member Iraq in early 2003 temporarily put further expansion on hold. However, as Iraq safely stabilizes into a state of perpetual violence, we have put the expansion process in motion once again.

  • On January 1, 2008, we will be pleased to welcome Belarus, Myanmar, and Turkmenistan into the organization. After pledging to forever uphold our values of enslaving children, causing famine, and spreading malaria, they will become full members with all the rights and duties associated thereof.

  • In addition, the membership review process continues for applicants Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, and Zimbabwe. As their human rights abuses improve and progress persists on their group project, “Operation: Expedite Global Warming,” eventual membership seems inevitable.

  • Finally, Saudi Arabia has elected to continue its silent membership in the A. of E. for the fifth year running. Were it not for the invaluable support of Saudi Arabia, we would not be so far along towards reaching our Centennial Goals.

The Centennial Goals, a flagship initiative of the A. of E., is truly shaping up to be a dream within our grasp. As we seek to raise $100 trillion, which would enable us to permanently destroy freedom and to kill every free person and dog alive by 2100, we will need to count on your steadfast support. It will take all of us working together to make our dream of ravaging the world come true. But when the Axis of Evil was founded in 2002, there was one simple goal in mind: to provide an axis where evil countries could pursue evil deeds. So as we look ahead to the coming year, we must remember we are in this together. We cannot do it alone.

Which brings us to this year’s final order of business: the Death Star. Though the construction of our Death Star continues to progress significantly, there have also been some serious delays. There will be no more delays. Masters Jong-Il and Ahmadinejad proclaim that the responsible parties have failed them for the last time. They are to die slowly, painfully, and alone.

Thank You For Your Continued Support,
The Axis of Evil Secretariat
 

Writer Shap Sweeney works in development for television, and writes for it, but they only pay him for the former… yet. His work not created in Final Draft has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Yankee Pot Roast, and elsewhere. He lives in the East Village of Manhattan, the inspiration for Sesame Street, according to his first landlord. More by Shap Sweeney