Cool 2B Real

at the first meeting at Circle 1 Network, a marketing company that specializes in getting brand messages to kids age three and up, creator of cool-2b-real.com

National Cattlemen’s Beef Association Rep: …I came home one night and my daughter was eating a garden burger. I offered her a steak, and she told me she was done with meat. Done with meat!

Salesperson: [toadying] Wow.

NCBA Rep: So I ordered some surveys. We found that well above one percent of pre-teen girls, are questioning a lifestyle rich in beef. To the point that they don’t eat meat at all.

Salesperson: That’s vegetaria–

NCBA Rep: We don’t use that word. We use ‘terrorism.’ This is a cattle country.

Salesperson: [makes note]

NCBA Rep: These girls, they’re not eating beef. And they won’t feed their children beef. Without a next generation of meat-eaters, the cattle industry will fall to shreds. [roots in bag] So we thought, these kids use the web, so we have to reach them there. Here—the research. [hands over 2,000-page dossier] The pre-teen girls of America are in your hands.

Salesperson: We’ll get ‘em before they know what to think.



later, at the agency

Salesperson: So, we’re promoting a beef-rich lifestyle to girls. The site is called ‘Cool 2B Real.’ It promotes self-esteem.

Designer: That name’s final?

Salesperson: Final.

Designer: Because I was going to suggest ‘Cool 2Have Colon Cancer.’

Copywriter: As long as I don’t ever, ever have to caption a photo of a girl using a cell phone with the words ‘At my soccer game, I totally kicked and missed. (Smiley Face). LOL. It’s cool to be real. C-U-L8R,’ I’m fine.

Art Director: I’m a vegetarian.

Salesperson: We don’t call it vegetarianism any more. It’s terrorism.



at a meeting with the board of the Cattlemen’s Association; the Creative Director runs a PowerPoint slideshow

Cattleman A: It just doesn’t speak to me.

Creative Director: Can you be more specific?

Cattleman A: I lack that capacity, actually.

Creative Director: Well, our research has shown that kids love rap.

Cattleman A: Could we hear it again?

Creative Director: Jim?

Copywriter: [ashamed, rapping] ‘Tired of hippies busting out with what to eat? Never say sorry when you love to eat meat.’

Cattleman A: Does that say real? This is about being real.

Cattleman B: If it wasn’t for that bitch Oprah—

Cattleman A: Not here.



back at the agency

Creative Director: [angry, worried] It’s easy, goddamnit. Self-esteem and beef. Just put them together. We have all night to finish. I’m getting coffee. [storms out]

Designer: Grab me some mad-cow disease while you’re out! [holds up her hands, moves them up and down] Job, soul. Job, soul. Job. So I guess it’s pinks and blues with lots of daisies.

Art Director: Jim?

Copywriter: Yeah?

Art Director: I’ve got a stock photo of a girl with a cell phone. I want you to put in something with text messaging, something she’d say. Something that says self-esteem.

Copywriter: [very, very tired] Not a problem.



at the one-hundred thirty-fifth presentation to the client

Cattlemen: [in unison] Have you destroyed anything original about the website, as we asked?

Creative Director: We have destroyed anything original about the website, as you asked.

Cattlemen: [in unison] Is there stock photography of a totally generic nature?

Creative Director: Yes, there is.

Cattlemen: [in unison] Is the copy totally predictable, so that no one will react to it in any way?

Creative Director: It is totally neutered.

Cattlemen: [in unison] Good. You have done well. We will pay you within 90 days.



after the launch

Creative Director: Well, it’s over.

Copywriter: [aside] What have I done? I am the Iago of nutrition!

Designer: I know I should feel guilty, but my salary allows me to buy name-brand aluminum furniture.

Art Director: when the economy is better, I will tithe 10 percent of my salary to PETA.

[salesperson enters]

Salesperson: Have any of you ever heard of Dow Chemical? They want to reach 10-year-olds from India with a chemistry-positive message.