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Spoofs & Satire

Choose MedCalf

Americans spend more on health care than anyone in the world, yet the quality of our care doesn’t match up. We need a new system—one we can believe in.

I, MedCalf, am the new deity. Hear ye: Disregard any previous deity, effective now. MedCalf, myself, is the One.

Fear not. MedCalf is, first and foremost, a calf. Full of docile love and sweet providence is MedCalf for thee. Like the golden calf of old, MedCalf is of the purest gold and hath the softest, sweetest, widest eyes—for thee. Oh, you will see that the eyes of MedCalf melt hearts and sway minds. Now peruse the sleek calf body of MedCalf, so young and supple, and yet so strong. Though I am male, my luscious udder, still so dainty and undeveloped, is full of pasteurized suck for thee. Suckle of my udder. My friendly low—moooooo!—smacks of reassurance.

Most significant are my quadruple tiny hooves. These bear in their cloven grasp the symbols of MedCalf’s goodnesses for thee. MedCalf’s hooves quicken thy admiration and hasten thy heartbeats. Look up here atop the pedestal where I recline in dignity, and behold my hooves. Look, look.

See that the right forehoof bears a surgical mask, signifying full medical coverage at little or no cost to thee. The left forehoof bears a quart of pasteurized, already mentioned as the finest nutriment for thee. The hinder left bears the symbol of the atom, denoting ongoing nuclear enrichment for thy peaceful purposes. The hinder right bears a pickax symbolizing the development of natural resources going forward under the greenest of environmental safeguards. The central forehoof—MedCalf is pulling thy leg. He has no fifth or central leg to hang another hoof on. This bull calf does, however, possess a nine-inch pizzle, whoa.

To speak now of MedCalf’s unchallengeable powers. He demands your worship on pain of eternal agony, and don’t think for a minute he won’t deliver. Do you think that, like Moses, thou can burn me in fire, grind me into powder, scatter me on the water, and drink me down? Thou cannot, period. Thanks to the medical component I possess in addition to my golden calf qualities, I can always cure myself of any injury. MedCalf equals prevention plus healing plus a complete range of pharmaceuticals. Make that thy true understanding.

Those who profess belief in MedCalf shall be of three kinds. First among them shall be the hardliners, who doubt not that MedCalf is the Supreme Being. These shall be called Calfists, and I thank them.

Second only to the hardliners come the moderates. The moderates shall be Medists in name, and they too earn the gratitude, if somewhat grudging, of MedCalf. Medists believe in the divinity of MedCalf, but unlike the Calfist hardliners do not dwell on MedCalf’s holiness with every swell of lung and beat of heart, as they should. In life, both Calfists and Medists shall have comprehensive healthcare, and the Calfists shall claim this coverage without cost. Medists must pay a $20 monthly premium so long as they shall live. Nor is skilled nursing home care available to these beautiful kine, who will lie down and die palsied in the field.

Lest you fear that MedCalf understands not the quality of human life, be comforted. Frequently MedCalf takes on human form. After death, both Calfists and Medists shall savor green pastures beside babbling brooks and lick salt without end, although for the Medists the grass will be not quite as luxuriant nor the salt so absolutely pure as that reserved for the Calfists. The barn door shall swing open for both groups. Bulls and cows may frolic at their pleasure, all seasons, night or day, in barns of purest gold for Calfists, and of silver for Medists.

In the third place come secular nonbelievers, who follow the laws of MedCalf without knowledge of the Calf’s divinity. These nonbelievers shall, after death, suffer as all other nonbelievers. GERD and colic will pursue them unto eternity, and even their earthly lives will be beset with hoof-and-mouth sickness and the mad cow ailment. Abominable cattle feed processed in Canada with wheat gluten additives from China shall degrade their bodies, and such flies as no tail may swish away shall infest their tender hind parts. The secular nonbelievers and nonbelievers alike shall have no medical coverage and must pay out-of-pocket for even preventive health care such as dental checkups.

Lest you fear that MedCalf, being a calf, understands not the quality of human life, be comforted. Frequently MedCalf takes on human form as he goes amongst the people. Lately MedCalf took on the form of a 14-year-old girl, and with it that odor of bubblegum and cigarette smoke that 14-year-old girls give off. Then MedCalf put on a pair of tight jeans over the lower limbs of the girl-form, pulled his shirt up so his fat belly hung over the snaps, and locked lips with a 15-year-old boy on the pedestrian bridge near a strip mall in New Jersey. You could still tell the girl was MedCalf by her flaring nostrils and twitching tail.

Then MedCalf, by magical transformation, became separate from the girl, who went on kissing the huffing, mustachioed boy, though without MedCalf’s participation. He saw too that he must kill the girl, to whom he had given a separate life, to punish her for her lascivious behavior, and that too did MedCalf accomplish. Let that be a lesson to thee of the new rules around here.

I desire thy worship of me, and will work with thee to become the deity you want. MedCalf has already appointed 2,000 part-time priests to poll your devotional needs. By their forked beards and premature wavy white hair and their scribbling upon clipboards do you recognize the polling priests of MedCalf. By this, too, shall you know them: They teach thee, their flock, that the eating of calves’ liver and jellied calves’ feet is an abomination. Nor is that the totality of their services, for unto all they administer circumcisions and clitorectomies with alacrity. These benefits are all highly rated in our polls, and increase the joy and happiness of believing in MedCalf. When the priests are done with thee, MedCalf’s bovine philosophy shall be one with thy nature. MedCalf offers the only life that makes any sense, and a pleasant afterlife is a slam dunk.

It has been an honor to appear here today along with the other candidates, such as Ba the Ram and Phoenix the Bird. But really, I am not asking for thy votes. MedCalf already is God.