Congratulations, God’s true and faithful servants, on being selected for this weekend’s entrance into His Opulent Palace of Eternal Light! As you enjoy your last few earthly hours standing on street corners with colorful signs, warning others to prepare for utter worldwide Hell followed by eventual cosmic destruction, you might want to pause and ask yourself: Are YOU prepared to be RAPTURED?
Of course, we know you are GOING to be raptured—who hasn’t seen your fantastic billboards? The question is: Will you have at your disposal the necessary tools to ensure your transition occurs seamlessly, lest you miss your chance at the Eternal VIP Lounge for simple lack of preparedness? You wouldn’t want to be left on earth with the damned just because you didn’t dot a few I’s and cross a few T’s! Jesus has got a hand for you to shake, Sky-Train Rider. And when it comes to your salvation, we at Brimstone Barney’s Apocalypse Surplus say, “Amen to that!”
While we unlucky ones hopelessly prepare our earthquake kits ahead of our magnitude-33 fate, you can rest easy, knowing you’re ready to fly with Brimstone Barney’s 2011 line of Rapture Kits! Completely updated from our wildly popular 1994 version, these latest kits cover the full range of potential snags and dangers you may experience while being raptured and will meet your needs in even the direst last-minute (literally) situation.
RoofBuster Protective Halo™
One of the burdens of being among God’s elect is that when He wants you, He’s taking you, right then, like it or not. What are the chances you’ll be in a nice wide clearing, or even outside, when the Lord sucks all his fleshy parcels up the Pneumatic Tube to Paradise? You don’t want to sustain a debilitating or possibly lethal head injury at that final moment! You need the RoofBuster Protective Halo. Composed of titanium alloy and designed with additional reinforcement rods to protect the head, neck, spine, and shoulders, this indestructible helmet is capable of guiding you safely through any roof-like structure—provided you are being pulled upward with the force of God, which we assume to be unspeakable. RoofBuster also features a built-in headlamp for night raptures, an oxygen mask attachment in case Heaven is higher in altitude than anticipated, a mounted steering fin, and a polarized BluBlocker™ face shield to protect you from intense sun in the event God opts for a mid-afternoon ascent. Available in adult and child sizes and a variety of colors—including popular gold and opal.
High-Viz Rapture Formalwear
As a lamb of the Lord, you know life’s simple pleasures are its most rewarding. Given the choice of security versus beauty, you’d choose the former every time. But what if you could have both? Designed with “meek chic” in mind, our line of high-visibility formalwear is made of bright, glow-in-the-dark neon fabrics and features highly reflective stitching, guaranteeing midair visibility as far as the human eye can see. We offer everything from tuxedos and elegant evening gowns to undulating his-and-her robes. This way, you can look good bending knee before God, and more importantly avoid getting obliterated by any air- or spacecraft before you get there.
Pontius Pilate Power-Line Protector™ (With Built-in Tree Saw)
Our light but rugged and versatile shield should prove indispensable to many a flying flock come Judgment Day. Use it to deflect and bounce yourself off power lines or tree branches you might get tangled in at the journey’s onset. In the event you’re stuck in an unusually thick tree canopy, you can turn the shield sideways and use its saw-toothed edge to extricate yourself from the verdant morass. You’ll be back on the Glory Express in no time! Regal in design and humble in appearance—featuring Eugene Delacroix’s stunning oil on canvas, “Crucifixion 1846,” on its front surface—this is one cross you’ll definitely want to bear!
Swiss Army Bible
We teamed with renowned knife- and watchmaker Victorinox® to design this elegant and utterly utilitarian Book of God. The Swiss Army Bible (King James version) features two knife blades (large and small), scissors, can and bottle openers, a corkscrew, tweezers, a toothpick, a mounted clock, and of course the complete, authoritative word of God, all bundled neatly in a pocket-sized package for easy carrying! It also features a convenient safety chain that attaches to a belt loop for secure mid-air use. Available in red only.
All kit contents can be purchased as a bundle or separately for our more frugal salvation attainers. In addition, we offer the following specialized rapture services:
- Breakaway-glass-skylight installation for bedridden or otherwise disabled Jesus Meeters
- Our patented Rapture Grab Bars and Rapture Seats for elderly or otherwise weakened patrons for whom ascending to Heaven in an upright position for long periods of time is not a viable option
- For anyone concerned about their rising ability—don’t get any ideas, heathens!—we offer an assortment of small weather balloons
And now for the best part of all: You name your price! That’s right. Our Rapture Kit and all associated products and services are cost-negotiable, so you can slough off every last pesky cent if that’s your wish. Go ahead and dump all that unneeded dough on us Hell-bound reprobates! Free yourself of your earthly burdens! Cleanse yourself of all sin in order to appear before your maker! You’re not going to need to worry about health insurance premiums while basking in God’s Great Kingdom, are you? The end is nigh, so buy! Buy! Buy!
And as for us, well, we figure there’s no sense in trying to conceal our unabashed greed—we’re going down with all the other sinners anyway! At Brimstone Barney’s Apocalypse Surplus, you CAN put a price on salvation.
So why not make your transition to the A-list after-party as smooth, safe, and sane as possible? Come on down and speak to a sales associate today about one of our beatitude-inspiring deals!
All sales are final, but you knew that already!