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Spoofs & Satire

Photograph by Naheda Alkazemi

From the Annals of Motherhood

When faced with insurmountable obstacles, when all other options have been exhausted—that’s when moms say the darndest things.

Yes, is Mr. Cosby back here? Is he here? Can I talk to him? Mm-hm. Can I please talk to him for a minute? Well, I’d like to know what happened out there. During the taping. I want to ask him what went wrong, what my Vincent did wrong. I would like him to tell me why Vincent didn’t make it on the air.

Vincent, put that down. Down.

No, I want to know. Was Vincent not cute enough? He was more than cute enough. He’s my beautiful little boy. But what I really just don’t get… did he not say the absolute darndest things you’ve ever heard?

I mean, I was in tears out there. You could turn out a clip show with Vincent alone! Oh, it already is a clip show, thanks, that’s clever.

Vincent, mommy needs you to put that down so she can be happy. Make mommy happy.

You know, unless we’re all friggin’ blind, Vincent was twice as funny as that fat blonde girl. And that Chinese kid? Do you really want to play ethnic?

Whoa, what does that mean, “not very responsive?” Come on, my son told America that I wear a lot of makeup—that’s so outrageous! I even made an embarrassed face, but the camera didn’t pan to me. You want me to do the reaction shot again? Cause I will.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He wet his pants. So? He’s six, what do you want? You can edit that out.

He did not do it on purpose! His fly was already open. It was so. Well, if Bill Germophobe Cosby doesn’t want to get peed on by children with very small bladders, he shouldn’t—

I’ll put money in the swear jar when we get home—stop laughing. STOP LAUGHING. Vincent did not aim! You lying…. You just don’t want him on the show, so you make up these, these awful things. You’re as bad as his teacher. Pearls before swine. Pearls. Before. Sa-wine.

Listen, listen…. No, I am calm. I am. Bill didn’t ask the right questions, OK? I have a list here. I gave a copy to somebody before the show and they were supposed to—here, here, I’ll do it now: “So, Vincent, is your father handy around the house?” This is great, just watch. “Vincent, is your father handy around the house?” Come on, Vincent. Come on. The snacks? Tell him about the snacks. Daddy and the snacks? OK, he’s upset right now, but he has this great line: “Daddy knows how to open all the snacks.” Ha! Darn those kids anyway, right?

Oh, you don’t make those decisions, fine, great, we’re all going to pretend this doesn’t matter, nobody around here wants to take responsibility. That’s why I want to see Bill Pays-Your-Fucking-Salary Cosby now. Well, whoever signs the checks, I’ll talk to them.

Yes, Vincent, mommy swore. I’ll put money in the swear jar when we get home—stop laughing. STOP LAUGHING. Do you want your pants back or not? Hm? Maybe I’ll just give them to a little boy who really loves his mommy. A funnier little boy.

Hey cable-puller, don’t walk away from me, goddamn it…. Vincent, don’t cry, you’re very funny and I didn’t give away your pants. They’re right—they’re, uh—well, they weren’t very nice pants anyway. Stop crying. Get back here. Get back here. Oh, honey, don’t touch that—those lights are hot. Don’t…

Well, thanks very much, Vincent just burned himself and now The Cos has a lawsuit on his hands! Go tell him that! Lawyers say the darndest things, Bill! No wait, lawyers sue the darndest… uh… lawyers sue the darndest people. Ha, that’s gold.

Vincent, don’t pee on the stage light. Actually, go nuts. It’ll all be ours soon. Yes sir. You and me, sweetie, two against the world.

No, not on the wires, NOT THE WIRES….

biopic

TMN Contributing Writer Michael Rottman lives like a lord in Toronto. His miscellany has appeared in print in The Fiddlehead, Grain, and Opium, and online at Yankee Pot Roast, Cracked, News Groper, and McSweeney’s. More by Michael Rottman