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Spoofs & Satire

Here’s the Pitch

Space: the final frontier…of delicious cooking! Our writers have an exciting new idea for a cookbook that has “out of this world” recipes that are “universally appealing.” Get ready, because it’s T-minus 10 to tasty!

Dear Book Publisher:

Star Wars. Cooking. Star Wars? Cooking. Star Wars: cooking!

(Segue…)

If you are alive on this planet (Earth), even barely, chances are that you have been somehow touched by the blockbuster motion picture, action-figure, role-playing, video-game, clothing, and coloring-book franchise known commonly as STAR WARS. Too old to remember? Sit back in that recliner, pull up the lever-thing that works the foot-rest, and let Malla and Baker walk you through it.

In 1977, Sir George Lucas* gave birth to this cultural behemoth with the release of A New Hope, the first but yet fourth installment in what would become the greatest hexology in the HISTORY OF CINEMA. And with one more episode coming out later in 2005—and possibly three more episodes out sometime very soon in a galaxy very, very near!—it boggles one’s Gamorrean Guard-like brain to try to comprehend the awesomeness of an unprecedented neufology of explosive inter-galactic firepower. More Jedis! More CGI-enhanced battle scenes! More new Darths than you can shake a light-saber at!

But something has always been missing. No, it wasn’t BONERS—Princess Leia in her gold-plated bikini held captive by Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi took care of those. But something equally primal. And when we tell you what it is, you are going to flip your wig, old-timer.

FOOD.

That’s right, you heard us. Take out those hearing aids and change your power converters, because you probably can’t hear us!

With a range of CHARACTERS as delectable and delicious as any all-you-can-eat buffet you could ever get at the retirement home, Star Wars offers to the discerning chef a realm of possibilities as infinite as the universe, which is actually shrinking. From the succulent, vaguely nutty flesh of a “Leg of Tauntaun,” to the equally tasty “Crown of Ewok,” the characters of Star Wars have long been ignored for their CULINARY POSSIBILITIES (i.e., limitless).

That is why our book, Use the Force… of Cooking? (Delicious!): Star Wars Character Cookery for the Culinary-Inclined Humanoid Life Form, should be added to your catalog faster than a Rebel Speeder destroying the reactor shield base on Endor. But perhaps you are too out of touch to recognize the potential for something TOTALLY LIFE-ALTERING when you see it. Oh well… looks like your publishing company is going to go the way of the first Death Star. How sad. Better clean up your drool and polish that walker (hardly Imperial)! It’s going to be a quick trip to the POORHOUSE. (Cue “Imperial Death March:” dum dump-da-dum, dump-da-dum, dump-da-dum.)

But seriously. Here are a sample of some of the RECIPES we offer in the book:

  • Chewbaklava
  • Spice-Rubbed Grilled Swordfish With a Mango-Apricot Salsa, and Yoda
  • Bib Fortuna Cookies
  • Admiral Ackbar-B-Q
  • Natalie Portman
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi Gobi
  • Steamed Softshell Stormtrooper Helmet With Stormtrooper Head Steamed Therein
  • Salacious Crumble
  • C-3POs

Of course, there are many, many (62) more. The above examples are fairly “mainstream”—rest assured that the more exotic, lesser-known characters will satiate the PALATE and ATTITUDE of even the most die-hard Star Wars aficionado. We would go into detail here, but the references would probably be too esoteric and leave you baffled and, later, depressed. We have grandparents ourselves (one Grandma left each!) and understand that old people should not be toyed with. Respect.

Moving on, the book contains not only RECIPES, but also several exquisite PENCIL CRAYON DRAWINGS of the dishes as they are meant to look when prepared. These artistic renderings offer a visual accompaniment to the text, which in itself is probably a 9 OUT OF 10 on a scale of poetic-ness. Also, there is the possibility of adding SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF technology, so each recipe will be brought to life through that olfactory avenue. To borrow a line from Han (Solo) in The Empire Strikes Back: “And I thought these things smelled [good] on the outside!”

Is your appetite whet yet? Strap on the Depends, because it’s going to be a feast and you’re not going to want to quit eating until you’ve SOILED YOURSELF THOROUGHLY. Of course, you might be thinking, through a meds-induced haze, “But Star Wars characters aren’t real! How could anyone cook these dishes?” I suppose there were doubters as to the “realness” of spaghetti before it was discovered by MARCO POLO in CHINA. (Little-known fact.) So.

We trust that we have your interest piqued and your feeble old heart racing. Consider the chance for your company to be the first to unleash Use the Force… of Cooking? (Delicious!): Star Wars Character Cookery for the Culinary-Inclined Humanoid Life Form on the unsuspecting cookbook-buying public. Imagine a comely bachelor with a dinner date, browsing the tables at Barnes & Noble, bored by the same old recipes, sick of the lack of sci-fi representation. And then: “Howzah! What’s this? The Lando Calrissian Romantic Dinner for Two? I think I recognize that taste. And I believe it might just be GLORY.” (Also, getting laid.)

The MANUSCRIPT is ready, the envelope stamped, our fingers crossed. We trust this pitch will be received with the awe it deserves and look forward to your ASAP reply.

May the Force be with you,
Pasha Malla and Mike Baker (Authors, Use the Force… of Cooking? (Delicious!): Star Wars Character Cookery for the Culinary-Inclined Humanoid Life Form)

*knighthood pending

Mike Baker is a postdoctoral fellow in the Centre for Cinema Studies at the University of British Columbia. His daughter is cuter than your daughter. Pasha Malla is a film school dropout who has worked as a camp counselor, elementary school teacher, and group home coordinator. His first novel, People Park, has just been published. More by Mike Baker & Pasha Malla