Johnny Depp
Walk up to him and say, “Ew! You’re fucking gross-looking. I want to kill myself being so close to your face right now.”
Johnny Depp hates that people think he’s so beautiful. He wishes his outward appearance reflected the ugliness he feels on the inside, and he’s constantly calling his friends late at night and telling them he wants to cut scars into his own face. That’s why Tim Burton casts Johnny Depp in movies where he gets to wear white pancake makeup and bad wigs. Tim Burton doesn’t really want to make those movies anymore, he just wants to give his friend an alternative to hurting himself. So if you tell Johnny Depp you think he’s hideous, he’ll think he’s finally met the one person who sees past his physical appearance and he’ll break up with some supermodels so that he can go out of his way to win your heart.
Kristen Stewart
Walk up to her and say, “Who the fuck are you? I have no idea who the fuck you are!” When Kristen Stewart says she was in Twilight, say to her, “What the fuck’s that? I never heard of it!”
Kristen Stewart despises being a celebrity. She hates people knowing who she is, and she especially hates people who know what Twilight is. If you pretend to have no clue who she could be or what work she might have done, she’ll decide you’re the one person in the world who doesn’t care if she’s a movie star and she’ll throw herself at you and go out of her way to fulfill your emotional and erotic needs. Keep the love alive by continuing to express absolutely no interest whatsoever in her work or celebrity. When she tells you she just agreed to do another Hollywood movie and she’s very excited about it, say, “Who gives a shit? What are movies?” Also, every once in a while, pretend not to know who she is again. Like, when you first wake up in the morning and she’s on the other pillow staring at you, you should shout, “Who the fuck are you? Police!”
Danny Glover
Walk up to him and say, “I know we don’t know each other, but since you’re a celebrity, I was wondering whether you know anything about Zooey Deschanel. Like, if she’s a good person? She says she’s in love with me and wants us to be together forever, and I’m just not sure.”
Danny Glover will do everything in his power to convince you that you should reject Zooey Deschanel and love him instead. “I’m who you should be with,” he’ll say. Then he’ll put your hand on his heart. “Can you feel it?” He’ll promise his love to you because for several years now Danny Glover and Zooey Deschanel have been engaged in a sick game of emotional terrorism, wherein they devote all of their energies to destroying each other’s relationships and stealing each other’s lovers. It’s gotten to the point where Danny Glover can’t feel any affection for another human being unless he knows it will hurt Zooey Deschanel, and vice versa. Telling Danny Glover that Zooey Deschanel is in love with you is all you need to say to win his heart.
Tilda Swinton, Leslie Mann, Amy Adams, Judd Hirsch, and Queen Latifah
Gather them all together in a room and say, “I’ll let you fuckwads share me. I catch any of you forming alliances or making backroom deals, and you’re gone. I don’t have any fucking room in my heart for deviousness.”
Tilda Swinton, Leslie Mann, Amy Adams, Judd Hirsch, and Queen Latifah have a couple of things in common. All five of them dig confidence and brusque language, and all five of them are frightened by intimacy. Each of them is terrified to accept the entirety of a person’s love, and they feel much more comfortable having others on hand to help carry the load. Sharing one person’s heart amongst five people is the relationship of their dreams. Once they all agree to your terms, introduce them to each other and tell them all to shake hands.
Mark Ruffalo
Walk up to him and say, “Why didn’t you fucking save him? You just let him fucking drown. What the fuck, Ruffalo?” What people don’t know about Mark Ruffalo is when he was 12 he watched his best friend drown in a swimming hole and didn’t do anything to save him because he was too scared. He’s constantly plagued by nightmares in which his friend’s corpse walks out of the swimming hole, bloated and purple, and asks Mark Ruffalo questions. Sometimes the corpse asks why Mark Ruffalo let him drown. Other times the corpse will point out how sickly ironic it is that a movie star who once passively watched his friend die got his breakout role in a movie called You Can Count on Me.
Mark Ruffalo has never told a soul about what happened that day, so when you confront him about it he’ll fall into your arms sobbing and he’ll shout, “I just didn’t know what to do! I knew I should have helped, but it was like I was paralyzed. I was just a kid. Aw, man, please forgive me!” Tell Mark Ruffalo you’ll forgive him if he agrees to love you and be true to you till the end. “You want to perform penance for not being there for your friend?” you say to Mark Ruffalo. “Then you stay by my side when we’re old. I need you there to hold my hand as our lives wind down together. You hear me, Ruffalo?”
