Members of the military tribunal:
I, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, in addition to masterminding the 9/11 attacks, the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the 2002 bombing of a Bali nightclub, and various many other destructive attacks, do hereby testify to the following further involvement in peripheral al Qaeda-linked operations in the United States and abroad. I give this testimony without coercion, and of my own volition.
In 1992, in the Michigan suburb of Grosse Point, the Mazda Miata of one Carol Ann Beltran went missing the morning of Oct. 14, sometime between midnight and 5 a.m. The mastermind of this grand theft? I, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. With my blessed right hand (and a fireplace poker) did I smash the driver’s side window, thereby gaining entry to the automobile. At this time, I hotwired the Miata and drove it to Detroit, where I left it in a parking lot, engine still running, just to waste the gas. For this I was suspected, but never caught.
Fast-forward eight years: Me, a bowl of minestrone, and a quiet bistro in Venice, Italy. After finishing the majority of the soup in my bowl, I inserted a dead fly into the remaining portion in order to procure a new, free bowl of soup. I also received a free espresso after seeking punitive damages from the manager.
On Nov. 8, 1988, I entered the Quik Stop market in Oakland, Calif., at approximately 10 a.m. and retrieved two Snickers bars from the candy aisle. At the register, however, I only paid for one. The five-finger discount, in other words. You know—”free-fifty free?” I then proceeded to the nearest polling place and cast a vote for the senior George Bush, which, it is my understanding, helped tip the election toward his favor. Also, obviously, I voted illegally.
While living in Islamabad, Pakistan, for a brief period during 1999, I successfully carried out a surreptitious solo mission codenamed, “Kick My Neighbor’s Sheep Repeatedly.”
More than a decade earlier, in 1985, two Missouri teams were pitted against one another in the World Series of baseball. The “Show-Me Series,” as it was called, saw the Royals of Kansas City ultimately best the Cardinals of St. Louis. Many attribute the Royals’ victory to a momentum shift in game six of the series brought about by first-base umpire Don Denkinger’s controversial “safe” call on Jorge Orta’s ground single to first-baseman Jack Clark. Cardinal pitcher Todd Worrell, covering first, clearly beat Orta to the bag, but Orta was called safe anyway—by “Don Denkinger.” Anyway, I think you see what I’m getting at.
Daniel J. Nesmith of Dallas had planned on throwing a surprise party for his wife, Nancy Nesmith, on the third weekend of July 1998. After a covert message was relayed to her Hotmail account on the second weekend of July 1998, however, Nancy was not surprised at all. The sender of this email? None other than KSM_030164@aol.com.
I am Batman.