Spoofs & Satire

It Is My Wish

Some hope for peace, others for environmental protection—and that’s because TED Prize wishes aren’t often granted to neoconservatives.

It is my wish to you that every parent have the resources to protect their children—their honest friendships, precious trusts, and boundless dreams—and to be able to yank those children from the depraved public school system and home-school them instead. What happened to those good old days when children didn’t question their parents or grow up expecting a free lunch from the government? Overcrowding, drug trafficking, lunchroom sex parties—all things our children shouldn’t have to worry about in this age of terrorism. Here’s an idea: Let’s not require “teacher certification,” but a more precious credential in this upside-down world: common sense. You taught them how to eat food and ride a bicycle. Now it’s time to teach them everything you believe about science, math, and politics, and send them off into the world as leaders, once you feel they’re ready.


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It is my wish that you sponsor a race to digitally scan every image in every American art gallery and, simultaneously, develop an instrument that detects obscenity within those images and destroys them. Some say it’s impossible to define obscenity. Those people clearly have never looked it up on Wikipedia. If they did, they’d find a very thorough definition, which I personally co-wrote with my chapter of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. We need to get back to the days when protecting your family wasn’t a capital offense, when the First Amendment wasn’t an excuse to smear feces on unwitting nuns or create a urinating cross in the name of “abstract art.” Censorship is the price we pay for civilization. I wish for you to help me get kids excited about this message.


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It is my wish that you create a program where average citizens take turns commanding the United States armed forces. For too many generations we’ve relied on armchair experts and university eggheads who would rather read terrorists their rights than start an all-out race war. I say, let the peaceniks content themselves by singing “Candle in the Wind” to a swooning Hamas. Once helter skelter has begun, our rotating group of generals will bury those kill-crazy religious fanatics in the name of our Lord.


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It is my wish for you to create a groundbreaking gaydar for home use. Like most parents caught up in the hustle and bustle of this modern, secular world, I don’t trust my kids one lick once they’re out of my sight. But they don’t know that. My youngest, for example, thinks he has juvenile diabetes. Every night we check his “sugars.” No drugs yet. Let’s make a pact with ourselves: We will find a way to screen for sins everywhere, so we can confront those sinners with unconditional love and cast out the demons from their bodies. It’s like my father always said, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” And there are some very sick people in the world.