Me: I have to write an article. Will you guys help me?
Erika: What’s the article for?
Me: The Morning News. I believe I’ll be the first contributor with breasts on the site.
Diana: Cool. What are you doing the article on?
Me: Well, I was supposed to do it on bad date experiences, or kinds of men to avoid, but I just feel like I’ve read those a million times.
Mary: And they’re never good.
Me: Yeah. ‘Men bad. Women good.’ So I decided to do it the other way around. Like, meanest thing I’ve ever done to a guy.
Erika: Meanest thing?
Me: Yeah, like who were you meanest to?
Candice: I haven’t done anything bad, but I have a friend who did something pretty bad.
Candice: Well, she was dating this much older guy
Me: How much older?
Candice: Much, much older. Like she was nineteen, and he was in his forties.
Me: You know something weird is going on when the age difference is that extreme.
Candice: Yeah. It was a weird relationship. Anyway, they had this really bad breakup. So she called his boss at work and pretended she was younger than nineteen.
Julie: Whoa. Serves him right though.
Me: When you’re 40, you don’t date someone who can’t have a beer with you.
Me: What about you Sam? Meanest thing?
Sam: The meanest thing ever?
Me: Meanest thing you’ve done to a guy.
Sam: Oh, I don’t know. Well, I did sleep with three of his new girlfriend’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: What? Sorry, it’s taking me a moment to parse that.
Sam: [laughing] I know. To be honest, it wasn’t intentional. But your mind plays tricks on you, when you’re not healthy. [laughing]
Me: So how did that happen, exactly?
Sam: Well, he was kind of a jerk to me. I was so in love, you know, and I think he was sleeping around. Well, I don’t know if it ever came to fruition or whatever, but stuff happened.
Erika: With this chick?
Sam: Yeah. So when they started dating, I promptly went and slept with three of her ex-boyfriends within the next couple months.
Me: Oh, man.
Sam: I think it was a subconscious thing, but I did find out all the bad stuff about her.
Candice: Like what?
Sam: I mean, all her ex-boyfriends didn’t like her. She was very princess-y. Oh! And I also found out she had never had an orgasm.
Me: You’re kidding me!
Donna: They told you that?
Sam: Well, yeah. I was sleeping with these guys.
Me: But none of this is mean to the guy in question, really.
Sam: Yeah. It was indirectly, I guess. How about the guy who wouldn’t go down on me, and I told him it was a major character flaw?
Mary: What was his response?
Sam: He was like, ‘Well maybe I’ll do it for my wife.’
All: [derisive laughter]
Alyssa: What a weirdo.
Sam: Yeah. He was cute though.
Me: How long had you been dating?
Sam: Not very long, it was like the third time. At first I wasn’t sure because, sometimes, you know, it takes awhile.
Alyssa: Why wouldn’t he?
Sam: I don’t know. Grossed out, I guess. I think he was gay.
Sam: [whispers] I always think men who don’t like pussy are gay. You know? Most guys love it. [laughter]
Donna: OK, I have a good one.
Donna: When I was younger, there was this guy who I used to correspond with. We would email back and forth and we actually kind of fell in love that way, right?
Donna: But he was friends with the guy I was dating at the time, so nothing happened. Then I broke up with the guy a few months later, and pen-pal dude came to town. Anyway, he was going off to college and he was a virgin.
Donna: So I took care of that. [laughter]
Donna: But then, he left, right? I didn’t hear from him for, like, months. No phone calls, no notes, nothing, right?
Me: Oh, man.
Donna: Yeah! Keep in mind that we used to correspond constantly, so I was really hurt. Upset about it, of course.
All: [sympathetic sounds]
Donna: So he came back to visit or whatever, and I was really niiiice, and we started hooking up. We got all hot and heavy, and then I was like, ‘OK, you need to leave.’ He was like, ‘What?’ And I said, ‘I haven’t heard from you in months, then you come back and expect me to be all fine with it?’
Lannie: Right on. You’re the one who made him a man! [laughter]
Donna: I know, seriously. And he was all confused and stuttering, ‘You’re just gonna leave me like this?’ And I was like, ‘Yep.’
Mary: Good. That whole blue balls thing is such a myth.
Donna: Yeah, he was pretty much limping out though.
Alyssa: Was this after he had made sure you were satisfied?
All: NO WAAAAYYY!
Lannie: Oh that is the best.
Donna: Yeah, it felt pretty good.
Me: Your turn Anne.
Anne: I’ve never really been mean to anyone.
Anne: Not that I can think of.
Me: Like never, ever?
Anne: Not really. I wish I were more vengeful when someone screwed me over. I’ve dated some real dickheads.
Me: What about guys who repulsed you and you told them you weren’t interested, but they just kept coming back like the plague?
Me: Oh please, you’re gorgeous. That has to have happened to you.
Me: I don’t believe you.
Anne: Actually, I do have one. But I’m afraid you guys will think I’m a slut.
Alyssa: Oh, now you have to tell. [Anne covers face with hands]
All: Tell! Tell! Tell!
Me: None of us are going to think you’re a slut, come on.
Anne: OK. [anxious] Oooooohhhhhh! It’s really, really bad! OK. [exhales] So I used to live with this one guy, and he had this super-hot best friend who used to come around all the time.
Donna: This can’t go anywhere good.
Anne: So his brother was also really hot.
Me: Oh nooooo.
Anne: Sooo So all of us went out one night and we decided to try ecstasy. I’d never done it before, and it totally affects me. Like, a lot. So we’re dancing for a while and then we decide to go home, but I can’t find my boyfriend anywhere. We looked around for like an hour, and finally we just gave up and went home.
Me: Uh huh.
Anne: So I’m in the living room with these two gorgeous guys and I order them both to go sit on the couch. Then I just kneel down in front of them and [covers face with hands] give them both a hand job at the same time.
Me: You are kidding me!
Donna: Holy crap! With his brother?
Anne: The worst part is, he was married.
Lannie: Who, the brother?
Donna: Ahem, you’re in trouble with the married lady over here.
Anne: I know. I knoooow. [covers face] It was so terrible the next morning. Like, ‘Oh my God. What just happened?’
Me: What the hell did happen?
Anne: I don’t know, I just felt like such a porn star. It just sort of unfolded.
Me: Oh my god. That’s amazing. I would so never expect to hear anything like that from you. Anne? Cupcake-baking, freckles on the nose, smiley Anne?
Anne: I know, I still can’t believe it happened.
Lannie: You were livin’ the dream, girl.
Me: Was it good?
Anne: Yeah, it was totally good.
Erika: The brother was married?!?
Anne: I know. Well, not that this makes it any better, but they really shouldn’t have been married in the first place. I actually think he got a divorce a few months later.
Me: Where the hell was your boyfriend anyway?
Anne: Well, that’s an even better part of the story. Turns out that he was out getting crack.
Anne: Can you believe that? Yeah, I mean I understand a little pot or something now and then, but when you get into heroin or crack We broke up.
Me: Did you tell him?
Anne: No way. He still doesn’t know. I wish I could go tell him now. He was a jerk to me.
Me: Why didn’t his brother or his best friend say anything?
Anne: They’re not gonna tell. They’d get in more trouble than I would.
Me: I guess that’s true.
Alyssa: You totally win the story contest.
Me: Oh, man.
Anne: I know. I don’t do ecstasy anymore.