The Non-Expert

Photograph by Meems

Love Sic

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. Our mailbag is stuffed with questions about love, often oddly phrased. We address one of the more curious examples.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


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[Please note: We’d like to extend one big sic over this letter and our Non-Expert’s response—ed.]

Question: Me and this girl been friends for a while and we love to be together. She make plans all the time to come and see me cause we live 1 hour apart. We have so much in common and share alikes. She calls me 2 to 3 time a day just to tell me she is lonely for me and is always waiting by the phone for me to call. When we are together she stay side by side and when we pass there will be a kiss in return. We got together by friends and hit it off very and everyone is very surprised at that. She fills like I do wanting things to go slow but we are very att. To each other. My question is do you think she is falling for me and is falling fast and don’t want it to look like she is coming on to strong when she says lets go a day at a time. But I do have to say it was love at first sight.—MDL Welder

Answer: This girl must mean something special to deserve such a big question paragraph. But I understand because other people sometimes make you feel like that and when you see them it makes your heart very att. These people are loves and they understands loves. So you must be loves to her and she will be loves to you. And that will be var.

Wait though there are details to check over and be spective. Love ain’t just a make happen without you doing somework, innit? You say you live 1 hour apart that’s not too much even on a bus so if they loves is strong it is no problem. So that one is checked off yor list see. Then you say you both have much in common and share alikes and THATS GOOD KID, that’s what makes loves thrive. Butwait: she calls you 2 3 times a day saying she is waiting by the phone for you to call? Summink wrong here, hero. If she has to call you to say call me then you have communication isshues right? If you want to be hard to get you’ve got to be HARD TO GET bruv, and that means you go out and you keep your phone off and you ignore those texes and you be it. Be it: don’t think it. Classic eighties song member? “I was looking back to see if you was looking back at me to see if I was looking back to see you looking back at you.” Alright alright but it’s SOMETHING like that and that is what I mean.

You are very att. To each other. Man we all know that, we can all see it. When you two are passing yes there will be kiss in return, geddit? So obv.Kissing, hugging, when you pass there will be a kiss in return. And you’re UNSURE? Sounds like a marridge, fella, a marridge where the people are kissing-in-return for so many years. Not saying some bad thing: no. Marridge can be rox all my friends on the internay say so and most of them know what they are talking about. So real. But why is everyone very surprised about you and this girl? Is there something you are not telling about her? She secret demon or secret swimming structor or secret cartographer or something? No shame in cartography. No one got where they are today without it. My dad used to tell that one.

Oh no, wait, I know it, I know it: wait. She’s this butterfly stroke demon, she can breathe seawater and she carries maps under her waterwings. Cartography of the ocean floors, highly sensitive material, top sea-cret. This job’s gonna keep her out of yor reach forever, that’s why people love being so surprised, it’s cos she’s out of yor leagues under the sea. NAAAAH.

You are very att. To each other. Man we all know that, we can all see it. When you two are passing yes there will be kiss in return, geddit? So obv. Most people wish they were with someone who was so att. To each other. So you say “Do you think she is falling for me?” and all of us here are LOAO because YES YES YES she’s falling for you and she’s already falling so far down you have to reach down and catch up. You need to jump that diving board and triple flip and angle downwards for minimum air resist. She att. You att. To each other. It’s the best way to be, it’s the best way to start. And we say aww.

Here here here, stop now and fastrewind a bikkle: two years from now, you wanna be stopped with her cos some bull about you thought it was too fast? Too att? To each other? So you told her no or slow down and she was all like “fills so sad” and she ended it all. And then it’s few years now, right, like I say, and she’s nowhere in YOR LIFE fella and you’re hating it all because you know she was right and the answer is all there in your last six words: “it was love at first sight.” It was love at first sight, hero, and you don’t know but you WILL know that that doesn’t happen very much. The speed doesn’t matter, it’s the fillings that counts. You two crazieheds. You’re so var. Go be in love. Att. To each other. We say aww, we all say aww.