Spoofs & Satire

M4W: Surrogate Mother

About us: A childless couple who pines for the pitter-patter of little feet around the house. About you: Fertile, with an athletic build, and maybe a tattoo.

My wife and I are seeking someone to give us the greatest gift of all: the pitter-patter of little feet to make our home complete. We are not particular about race or education. Our main requirement is that you be trusting and friendly. And because we are old-fashioned, that the insemination be done Adam-and-Eve style, without all this fallopian transfer, in-vitro terminology.

About us: We have been married 13 years. We own a ranch-style, cold house in Trout Canyon with separate master bedrooms and two dogs. One dog, Jake, is intelligent, obedient, friendly, and passionate. The other is hers. You may call me Edward. Or Teddy.

About you: You are between the ages of 19 and 25. You are drug-free, though you know how to let your hair down. You have an athletic build, the genetics of which are important to a child’s development. You are STD-free, though without any inhibitions regarding oral sex or role-play. You have round, firm breasts with ample, life-nourishing, milk-holding capacity. Nipples that are large without being too large, just the right size for a developing infant’s mouth, or a nipple ring. You have the smallest tattoo on your back—something classy like a rose, or a marijuana leaf—just above the pant line that peeks out when you do bendy things.

You have a naive and ambitious curiosity about life that allows you to be open-minded regarding situations you may never have imagined you would partake in. You speak slight English, and only loosely comprehend various clauses and concepts. You have an annual salary that would make, say, an Applebee’s manager seem like Bill Gates. You know not who Bill Gates is. You are intrigued by men who ride Harleys/Mopeds.

Insemination location: the Old Barnacle Inn on County Route 12, across from the Applebee’s.

Additionally, there will be an hourly wage and a tip structure as outlined in the Applebee’s operating manual. Pregnancy history: In order to ascertain if you are the right candidate, my wife and I require a detailed pregnancy history. To provide this information, stop reading this ad and look around your home. Are there children in it? Is the room littered with toys and scraps of food? Will you be neglecting your insemination duties in order to take calls from these children at all hours, whenever they need the most miniscule life source from you, whether it be help with homework, a warm meal, or just to inquire when mommy will be coming home? Look, if you’ve had a child—even one that isn’t currently in your custody, or alive—you’re probably not the right surrogate for us.

Television preferences: My wife and I watch a lot of television. A LOT! Because we will be spending a great deal of time together over the next 9-10 months, it’s important we come to an understanding of what will be showing on the motel television before, after, and during insemination. We enjoy sitcoms, Cops, and Yankees games. If any of these three types of television programs are playing on the evenings of our insemination sessions, my wife will be unable to attend.

Remote control: Not in the surrogate’s job description.

Compensation: All-expense paid nights at the Barnacle Inn, along with gas for the moped to get you to and from the motel, will be covered by my wife and I. Additionally, there will be an hourly wage and a tip structure as outlined in the Applebee’s operating manual.

Contact information: Go to the Applebee’s across from the Old Barnacle Inn on County Route 12 and sit at the bar. Order a Strawberry Coco Frost Smoothie with four umbrellas. If the manager comps your drink, you’ll be contacted at that time. Otherwise, finish your beverage, pay the bill, and kindly leave the establishment.

Jon Methven is the author of the novels This Is Your Captain Speaking (2012) and Strange Boat (April 2016). More by Jon Methven