Monkee Wives

a memo of proposed musical outfits, found on the desk of a recently fired music executive

Pepperoni Pizza Party
Concept: Five eight-year-olds, five small guitars.
Flaws: Everyone wants to play drums.
Solutions: Five small drum sets.

Dirty Rotten Jerk and the L.A. Stories
Concept: Band members represent Steve Martin at different points of his career. (First single: ‘Roxanne’)
Flaws: Goldie Hawn wants to sing back-up.
Solutions: Martin Short volunteered ‘to move stuff, or whatever you guys want, seriously.’

Freezer Burn
Concept: Ski-pop. Members wear blue spandex bodysuits and goggles, kind of a Ziggy-Stardust-in-Gstaad thing.
Flaws: That snowboard fad.
Solutions: Mountain Dew commercials.

The Monocles
Concept: Nineteenth-century detective rock. Band wears Sherlock Holmes-style gear, complete with deerstalker cap and accessories.
Flaws: Halfway through the summer tour band members complain of, alternately, ‘whooping cough,’ ‘consumption,’ ‘typhoid,’ ‘dysentery,’ ‘scarlet fever,’ and ‘the white plague.’
Solutions: All-weather tweed.

The Dumped
Concept: Spoken-word by Gwyneth Paltrow’s ex-boyfriends in front of a Greek chorus of agents and publicity assistants.
Flaws: Show likely to exceed 14 hours.
Solutions: US Weekly already signed to sponsor tour.

March ‘n’ Roll
Concept: Band wears marching-band uniforms and marches in place on stage. Songs can be a combination of contemporary covers and originals, all done in a new signature sound: Drum and Brass.
Flaws: Limited appeal outside Texas.
Solutions: Expand Texas.

The Strikes
Concept: Garage-rock quintet with Teamsters agenda.
Flaws: Converse is anti-labor. Also, the name ‘Julian Casablancas’ sounds like a mobster.
Solutions: New single, ‘Hoffa Wasn’t My Man,’ should move us in the right direction.

Insane Clown Posse
Concept: Rodeo clowns craft metal songs.
Flaws: None.
Solutions: Everything is going according to plan.