New York, New York

New York Do’s and Don’ts

With budget crises, unemployment, and wild animals on the loose, New York can be a difficult place to navigate. Luckily, we have some tips on how to make contemporary Gotham life more bearable.

Do: Tip the cabbie.
Don’t: Hand him $50 and say, ‘Keep the change, you rascal, you already stole my heart.’

Do: Drop some change into the subway musician’s hat.
Don’t: Then ask him to now please shut the fuck up.

Do: Marvel at the size of the rats scurrying around the subway trenches.
Don’t: Pick a ‘lucky one’ and name it after your mom.

Do: Go with a good friend to the Soho House.
Don’t: Make a friend just to go to the Soho House.

Do: Jog around the reservoir at Central Park.
Don’t: Use it for ‘pit stops.’

Do: Tell your friends about the just-opened super-hot restaurant on the second floor of an abandoned funeral home in the Lower East Side with no sign outside that serves Asian tapas from a chef TWW (Trained With Wylie).
Don’t: Subscribe to New York Magazine.

Do: Cry as you read the inscriptions at Ellis Island.
Don’t: Cry as you read the descriptions of Staten Island.

Do: Ask the subway booth attendant for a complimentary map of the MTA system.
Don’t: Ask them if the vending machines get the same benefits package as the ‘other employees.’

Do: Go to Times Square at four in the morning and comment on how it’s still bright, even in the wee hours!
Don’t: Go to Times Square at four in the morning and comment on how BLEAAAARRRGHH!?!?!BRAINS!IWANTBRAINSBLEAAARGGHH

Do: Let the woman with the stroller go first into the subway car, even if it means missing the train and being left on the platform.
Don’t: Overzealously leap onto the back of the train and cling to its roof, giving mother-and-child the finger through the window all the way to Grand Central.

Do: Plunge into any borough besides Manhattan.
Don’t: Plunge into any 17-year-olds like they did in Manhattan.

Do: Give your spare change to the needy when possible.
Don’t: Give pennies—motherfucker we all have our pride.

Do: Buy tickets for the famous ‘Showtime at the Apollo!’
Don’t: Boo anyone who mentions Jesus.

Do: Notice the celebrities, but never obtrusively, and only point them out when you’re at least a block away.
Don’t: Ask Chloe Sevigny how many takes were required for the hummer scene in Brown Bunny.

Do: Send emails to friends outside New York describing: the Upper West Side as ‘the next Greenpoint’; your Indian co-worker ‘as ethnic as Tabla’; those frat-boys from Hoboken as ‘Big-Cup-prowlers.’
Don’t: Wonder why the same friends don’t call you anymore.

Do: Be on time when meeting friends from out of town at the train station.
Don’t: Lie in the center of the rotunda, clutching your chest (covered in fake blood), imploring, ‘If you’d only been here sooner. If you’d only taken the 4:17…’

Do: Visit the Met and enjoy the Vermeers.
Don’t: Visit the Mets and ask where the goddamn paintings are.

Do: Call your friends in other cities and brag about all the amazing stuff that New York has.
Don’t: Let them crash at your place and actually make you do all that amazing stuff.

Do: Say goodnight to the doorman.