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New York, New York

New York Inventions

Life in Gotham becomes so insular occasionally, we wonder why scientists aren’t working on special inventions to make our lives easier. Luckily, the TMN engineers are on the case.

GripTek Rubber Dagger Grips

When you’re climbing the corporate ladder, nothing’s worse than a slippery knife handle in your colleague’s back. Why suffer the sweats and possibly lose your grip? Stab with greater ease and confidence with GripTek, knowing your ascent to the top will be cool-handed. After all, even Tony Soprano gets clammy palms.



VD-40

If suburban dwellers can enjoy washing their cars with drive-though comfort, why can’t Gothamites find the same service to fit their needs? Take your new boy or girl-toy down to the local VD-wash and watch while a trained specialist scrubs off your date’s mites, warts, and open sores! Advanced service includes waxing and/or plucking while you wait!



Times Wipers

We all know newspapers are made to sell ads—why should we suffer those annoying blocks of text? Slip on a pair of Times Wipers and watch the meaningless jibber-jabber blur into a pleasant ivory tone, and the Tourneau and Garden of Eden ads stand out in sparkling contrast. Note: Does not currently work with any articles by Alex Kuczynski.



The Bunny Chow

Tired of menus and their endless choices? Wish you could safely eat what’s trendy, organic, and worth bragging about later? Newly patented, The Bunny Chow specially renders any order of food into a small portion of genetically combined (and seared!) toro/oxtail/monkfish/short ribs, with a side of broccoli rabe/bok choy/arrowleaf spinach and a drizzle of Chilean sea bass jus. Coming soon: The Anthony Bourdain Ego-Baster, for low-conceit days.



Up Your Bum!

Tired of giving away change when it looks like the wino spends more on booze than food? With our portable Up Your Bum! kit, charity becomes responsible and fun. Simply unfold the leather pouch, attach nodules to the not-included 9V battery, and insert the four-pronged diode into a bum’s rear (safely done if bum is asleep or drunk). In seconds you’ll have a detailed blood analysis and drug history, so you know your dollars won’t be feeding their addictions.



Thinking Nightcaps

New York City is never at a loss for options. There’s always something to do, every moment of every day and night. So how to choose? A quick round of Thinking Nightcaps, that’s how! Our patent-pending Thinking Nightcaps can each hold four ounces of the finest Highland single malt, and embedded in the cap’s rim is a series of mesh fibers, specially designed to ‘push’ the whiskey into your brain, ensuring the liquor ambrosia doesn’t waste time in your stomach—where it’ll just try to get all digested—and instead directly it enters your brain—where it can aid in the decision process! Note: Do not wear cap while jogging.



Transit Forceps

Rushing toward a subway car full of passengers, just as you hear ‘Dum-Dom,’ and the doors shut? Release your personal pair of titanium Transit Forceps to hold open the doors! Once inside, the forceps will quickly spread apart the hive of riders with a minimum of injury to them, and a maximum of space for you! Can also be used to gently pry apart passengers who are hoarding an extra half-seat.



Escalator Boots

A fact of life in New York City: When the buildings are so tall, and our salaries so low, it’s rare to see an elevator outside the office. The answer? Escalator Boots! Designed by the TMN engineers in partnership with Yohji Yamamoto, these boots will propel you up a single flight in 14SPS (stairs per second), using a unique combination of accordion joints and robotics. Also recommended: Escalator Boots Helmet, for those late nights when you can’t manage to steer correctly and your friend’s landing is made of marble.



SuperArm

It’s raining, and you need a taxi—stat. The only problem is: So does everyone else. Show some leg? No way. Show some arm! Introducing the SuperArm, a mechanical shoulder-bicep-hand combo that shoots twenty-three feet from your natural, human extension, to hail a cab over other hapless taxi-hailers. Watch yellow cabs cross six lanes of traffic in deference to your mighty appendage, then retract the device, enter your chariot, and cruise away—meter a-running.



ButtTrap

Pickpockets beware! Men: One minute you’re navigating the crowds on Canal, the next you’re trying to buy a pair of knock-off Gucci shades. But when it comes time to pay, you realize someone has nicked your wallet. Essentially a mousetrap doubling as a money clip, the ButtTrap is the perfect solution: Safe to install, but deadly to discover, the ButtTrap is lightweight and barely noticeable, at least until our thief slips his fingers in your pocket, and leaves them there!

Note: Lovers are discouraged from cheek-handling when ButtTrap is activated.



Shopping Cleats

Shopping is a sport, and you need the right equipment: Ladies, there are 12 feet between you and a pair of Badgley Mischkas at 70 percent markdown. Unfortunately, there are also 12 women in the way. Worry not: If you’re wearing a pair of TMN Shopping Cleats, with NeverDull™ enhanced golf spikes, those bitches will back away quick when they see you sprinting through the Hanro display. If not, they’ll be a lot more ventilated!



Touriziac

Six hours in line to catch the view at the Empire State Building. A half-day waiting in the middle of Times Square for Producers tickets. A two-hour trip to the Statue of Liberty. You’ve got guests in town and they want to see the sights—but your New York speedometer won’t get with their out-of-town pace. Before you ram them into the first cab to Laguardia, give yourself a time-out and a handful of Touriziac. Designed to be a hybrid of Prozac and Special K, with all the upper notes of dementia and a fruity bouquet, Touriziac will prevent you from realizing that you’re standing in the middle of rush-hour foot-traffic, staring straight up in the sky. Other side-effects include: asking cab drivers to repeat that last thing because you didn’t quite catch it so sorry; forgetting where all the subway stations are; T-shirt shopping; slipping into Central Park at dusk and never coming back.