Sign up for our Headlines morning newsletter.

The most interesting things on the web, handpicked each day. Sign up for our Headlines morning newsletter.

Spoofs & Satire

Of Thee I Zing

In the two weeks since she became John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin has made her mark—most notably for her aggressive joke-telling. Since the Democrats are unwilling to jibe back, here are some punchlines.

G.O.P. vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s sharply delivered speech at the Republican National Convention last week may well have cracked open the smelling salts for the Obama campaign, as the would-be veep lunged fiercely at the Democratic jugular with a calibrated tone of confidence, and, at one point during her diatribe, a little bit of humor:

Q: You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Six days later, Barack Obama said:

“John McCain says he’s about change too…I guess his whole angle is, watch out, George Bush: Except for economic policy, healthcare policy, tax policy, education policy, foreign policy and Karl Rove-style politics, we’re going to really shake things up in Washington.

“But that’s not change, that’s just calling the same thing something different. You can put lipstick on a pig: It’s still a pig. You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change: It’s still going to stink after eight years.”

As reported everywhere, the McCain campaign has pounced on the “lipstick on a pig” portion of that (and left the rest to make hotdogs, or whatever), thus slinging a gauntlet in Obama’s direction. Yet, judging by the Democrat’s lackluster response, he apparently still does not recognize the situation for what it has become: a political cage match.

And if he and his speechwriters aren’t willing to take it to the next plateau of rudeness, then for the sake of the country, I am. If the so-called liberal media is akin to an army engaged with the McCain campaign in a bloody battle of bias (as McCain would love us to believe), then I am more than just a foot soldier; I am a mercenary, willing to cheat, fight dirty, and talk copious amounts of shit—all the things for which Obama’s advisors and media cronies lack the stomach.

David Axelrod, please pay attention. The Sarah Palin roast begins now.

 

* * *


Q: What’s the real difference between Sarah Palin and a pit bull?

A: A pit bull, if properly trained and cared for, will probably not require a muzzle before November.

 

* * *


Q: Knock, knock.

A: Who’s there?

Q: Sarah.

A: Sarah who?

Q: Sarah Palin.

A: Wait, who?

 

* * *


Sarah Palin walks into a tavern in Wasilla, Alaska.

“May I get you a drink, Governor Palin?” the bartender asks. The governor says nothing.

“Ma’am?” he continues, “are you OK?” She stares blankly ahead as the bartender stands confounded. She blinks once. Twice. Minutes pass.

Suddenly a wave of recognition pours over the bartender’s face as he remembers the teleprompter was damaged in a bar fight the previous evening. “How about a ginger ale then,” he offers.

 

* * *


Q: The now-infamous Bridge to Nowhere project that Sarah Palin may or may not have supported was actually not the first of its kind. The original Bridge to Nowhere project is better known by what name?

A: Canada.

 

* * *


Sarah Palin walks into a bar. Exasperated, the bartender yells, “Hey! You better get out of here. We don’t serve your kind!”

Confused, Palin inquires, “What? You mean honest, values-driven reform candidates not afraid to stand up to the Washington good-old-boy network?”

“Uh, no,” replies the bartender.

“Well, what do you mean, then?” she asks.

“Whatever you call the exact opposite of what you just said.”

 

* * *


Q: How do you tell the difference between a child in a third-world country and abstinence-only sex education?

A: One works.

 

* * *


Q: A moose walks into a bar—

A: Kablooee!

 

* * *


Bristol Palin walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “The usual for you, hon?”

“No,” she replies. “I’m pregnant.”

 

* * *


Q: Why did Sarah Palin cross two-thirds of North America?

A: Her water broke.

 

* * *


Q: What do you get when you cross someone who is against pork-barrel spending with someone who is for pork-barrel spending?

A: That’s not possible. Oh, wait, yes it is: Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska.

 

* * *


Todd Palin walks into a bar. Six hours later, he walks out. Then he drives home.

 

* * *


Q: What did one giraffe say to the other giraffe?

A: “Sarah Palin. What an asshole.”

 

* * *


To be fair, while it was Sarah Palin alone who chose to cannonball herself into political celebrity, it was Senator McCain who craftily stuffed the gunpowder. Surely Obama and team will need some material geared specifically toward the Republican nominee:

Q: What’s the difference between John McCain and the Large Hadron Collider?

A: A pulse.




* * *


Two advisors walk John McCain into a bar…

 

* * *


Q: How does Senator McCain’s five-year stint as a prisoner of war help qualify him to be president?

A: A four-year stint as a special-interest slave will be a piece of cake by comparison.

 

* * *


And let us not forget those party members and various supporters in McCain’s base who helped lay the foundation for the newly adopted Republican offense:

A Rudy Giuliani Mad Lib: “Oh, no! Somebody call (an emergency phone number)! There are just over $900—in fact, (a number between 910 and 912) to be precise—missing from my Porsche (certain Porsche make)’s glove compartment!” Oh, no! (Synonym for Sept. 11)!”




* * *


Q: How has Fred Thompson been an advocate for gay rights?

A: As a staunch supporter of same-sex divorce.

 

* * *


Q: Why did Cindy McCain don a $300,000 outfit at the Republican National Convention?

A: To promote Republican values.

 

* * *


And finally, one to pull the whole ticket together:

Q: How is Sarah Palin like a rabid dog?

A: Both could have used a decent vet.