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Quatrain in Vain

Pope Fabulous

Pope Francis’s recent remark that he would not judge gay priests was a revolutionary moment for the church—a moment, in fact, worth twerking into verse.

Credit: Gustavo Facci

Cancel Palm Springs! It’s the latest gay-cation!
A new diamond lane on the road to salvation.
Queer? Just don’t act, and you might get on line
To that hot old club on the Upper Side.

To wit: The Bible still says it’s a failure,
Ignoring the fittings of your genitalia
So clearly laid out in the user’s guide,
And flaunting apostasy with such pride.

But Frank, this Pope’s a bit different, you see.
“Leave to the Lord judgment,” says he, “not me.
Only He can bestow heaven’s gold medallion
To those … wait, there’s no word for them in Italian?”

The world marvels, gasps at Francis’s moxie,
Disco dancing like that on the orthodoxy.
Now all’s not kosher in the Sistine Chapel.
No, the priests don’t like them forbidden apples.

“Let’s consider embracing them,” Francis suggests,
“Recall that our ranks are dwindling at best.
Let reverence, love be the highest criteria,
And not let sex foster mass hysteria.”

“Objective disorder!” cry the papal judges.
(Hey, nobody’s prefect, burdened by grudges.)
Coal mine canaries in the Catholic Church warble:
“Has Francis misplaced his most holy marbles?

“Is this a guy seeing some bigger picture,
Or a rogue liberal Pope reinterpreting scripture?
Is that common Ford Focus the culprit behind
The man that got away from the pulpit mind?

“No, a shrewder reason just might explain it:
The church lost its groove; he wants to reclaim it!
A dude that resembles a Q-Tip, of course,
Could use a subscription to MetroSource.

“Now, Francis’s plan is plain as the day:
To cherry pick ‘the best’ from all things gay.
Where’s the style and grace? That sense of panache is
Missing, as are bears with groomed mustaches.

“The curtains are stale, throw rugs drab and dreary,
The chi in this place is just downright eerie.
That Last Supper litho is just so passé.
A queer eye could add that Sashay! Shante!

“But what could lesbians bring to the table?
How ‘bout an Outback in the auto stable!
And tips on avoiding boy temptation—
Long as it’s clear there’ll be no adoptions!

“Remove the ‘Gays needn’t apply’ sign from view!
(Our current staff members can come out, too.)
How for this tutelage should we compensate?
Heaven? No! Just let ‘em look over the gate,

“See what they’re missing in light of their sins,
Maybe convince them to turn straight again!
For the church won’t abide at the end of the day.
They chose the lifestyle, but we’re born this way.”

And Francis, head laden heavy with woe,
Laments just how far this ship has to go.
“That wasn’t quite what I’d had in mind.
Rather he who seeks, that he then may find.

Be it Lord or love, be they gay or straight,
To walk safe from harm under His mandate.”
To which arose snickers from those poking fun
At “man date”—though secretly some wanted one.

Francis, you’re trying, it’s no easy task
To put space between a church and its past.
A Kennedy’s vision, but a monarch’s station.
Right now likely planning a little Pope-cation.