Spoofs & Satire

Pope Francis of Carhartt

The media has labored to stress the humility of the 266th and current Pope of the Catholic Church. But somehow they missed his taste for Burt Reynolds movies, and other signs of holy humbleness.

Credit: Roberto Stuckert Filho.

“Pope Francis, humble, authentic and credible.”—CNN, March 15, 2013.

“Pope Francis: A humble man facing a mighty challenge”—The Telegraph, March 17, 2013.

“World welcomes Pope Francis as humble champion of poor” – Reuters, March 14, 2013.

Humble Pope Francis is so humble, he rides the bus.

Pays his hotel room bill.

Carries a pitchfork.

Wears overalls with the left button undone.

Prefers to get his news from CBS.

Scrapbooks for relaxation.

Refers to Pringles and Schlitz and Willie Nelson as “God’s Trifecta.”

Keeps his car radio presets programmed exclusively to classic rock stations.

Knows all the words to the Allman Brothers’ “Midnight Rider.”

Considers Hallmark Shoebox Cards the epitome of irreverent humor.

Does his level best to compost with integrity.

Owns all eight seasons of According to Jim on VHS.

Reflexively thinks “empties” when he hears the word “redemption.”

Grows his own incense.

Darns his socks in the night.

Has a spiritual weakness for original flavor Corn Bugles.

Looks forward to Sunday morning for the coupons.

Duct-tapes his running shoes to get another couple of miles out of them.

Is annoyed by certain members of the Papal Household who neglect to empty their pockets on laundry day.

Gets a good week out of each strand of dental floss by rinsing after use and hanging to dry over the shower curtain rod.

When floss finally runs out, patiently unravels acrylic sweaters purchased for $1.59 at Goodwill, uses those instead.

Thinks the red hot dogs taste hot-doggier.

Has never eaten a bagel. “Too ethnic.”

Prefers to sleep in his favorite T-shirt, the one with the immutable mustard stain.

Was baptized Jorge Mario Bergoglio and took the Pope name “Francis”, but his high school buddies still call him “Beer Goggles”.

Owns a lot of cats. A plague of cats. They’re all named after saints and it’s getting to be a problem.  At the Vatican, he’s playfully referred to as “Beer Goggles, the crazy cat guy.” 

Is a Hanes-man.

Would like more tuna-noodle casseroles included on the papal menu.

Considers Cannonball Run to be his favorite movie. Or maybe Hooper. Anything with Burt Reynolds, really. Excluding Boogie Nights.

Exercises the auto-renewal option for his subscription to Popular Mechanics.

Has a nightstand that is literally constructed out of his favorite James Patterson novels.

Self-identifies as “more of a Mary Ann guy than a Ginger guy”.

Is annoyed by certain members of the Papal Household who neglect to empty their pockets on laundry day.

Really looks forward to shorts and Episcopal flip-flops weather.

Is embarrassed by the particular gastric distress induced by the Vatican chef’s Italian Sausage and Pepper sandwich, which rumbles low in the bowel during papal afternoon meetings.

Considers the perfect gift to be an autographed headshot of Jim Belushi.

Wears vestments designed by Carhartt.

Hasn’t been that into the Sox since Tito was fired.

Thinks the best part of waking up is realizing he didn’t die during the night. That, and Folgers in his cup.

Sean Tabb has made a grand total of $250 writing for the internet so, no, he is not buying this round of drinks. He lives and works in Portland, Maine. More by Sean Tabb